AN: Can also check this out on my blog (link on profile). After reading comments on my blog, i decided to put this POV on fanfiction. Don't forget to sign up on my website (link on profile) and discuss the story on the forums.
Jason Dohring is NOT the James I pictured when I read Twilight. Cam is perfect as James. However, he really didn't fit the James in I Want You To Want Me. Jason Dohring (who played bad boy Logan on Veronica Mars) fits our James Anderson. How? You'll have to read his POV to get it. James Anderson's character is loosely based on Logan as well. Anyway in I Want You To Want Me I picture Jason. You can picture whoever you want, let your imagination go wild!
I have written a JPOV for the story I Want You To Want Me....
Bully.
Jackass.
Man-whore.
Rich.
Badass.
Popular.
They stick you with those names, those labels 'Jackass' or whatever; whatever they like to use. Because they need a label; they need a name. They need something to put the price tag on the back of.
I always had known that my father hated me. He had always blamed me for his beloved wife's death. She was my mother too, you know? I hate myself too. My mother died while giving birth to me. The first woman to leave me, but not the last. And man, she didn't even know me. Then we have the second woman who left me. Lucy. Lucy Anderson. My sister.
She's nine years older than me.
Lucy was like a mother to me, even when Buck couldn't stand to be around me. But she left to. When she was nineteen, she left for college. Yale. She than found a job, a boyfriend, now fiancé, and hasn't been back home for ages. Work is busy, she says.
I don't talk to her much now. She left. Obviously she doesn't want to talk to me.
When I was young, always wanting Buck's love and than being rejected, she was there. Lucy told me that Buck wasn't always like that. That he loved her and mother so much and was always so happy. She even fucking told me he was over the moon when he found out he was going to have a son. Ha. The irony.
If she could only see him now.
My father, Buclin 'Buck' Anderson, is on of America's finest oil corporation's attorney. He spends most of his time out of the house, even out of the country, just so he can avoid me. While Lucy is his angel, I'm the devil's spawn. Always trying to ruin his life. Buck blames me for everything that's wrong in his life. I'm used to it and at a point, I've accepted it.
The third. Tanya Denali.
I remember the first time I saw Tanya Denali. It was in fifth grade. She wore this pink dress with yellow flowers. Her laughter brought a smile to my face. It was like those corny fucking movies when the guy sees the girl across the room and tells his friend, 'that's the girl I'm going to marry.' Of course life isn't a movie.
For some bloody reason, I thought Tanya could be the one. Her smile brightened up my life. Made me forget about Buck, mum, Lucy, my failures. Everything. But that could not happen, right? I can't have anything I want. I killed my mother and I'm paying the price for it. Every second of my life.
I alway admired Tanya from afar. I couldn't risk her getting to close. I never let anyone get close. Cause they would find out about Buck and he'll hurt them too. And I also didn't want her to say no. If she said no, I don't think I could look at her even from afar.
It was junior high when I finally made a move. Worst mistake. I couldn't even get the balls to ask her if she fucking liked me. Bloody pussy.
I can't believe I asked Edward to help me.
Edward Anthony Cullen.
I met when I was six. We grew up together. He never knew about what happened to me. My mother. My father. My father never really told anyone what happened. I just said she died in a car accident. I didn't want them to judge me either. Tell me I'm a killer, like everyone else. Yes. I killed my mother
I have had sleepovers at Edward's when I was young. His dad's awesome, if you like that whole loving shit. One time, he asked Edward how his day was and if he wanted to play catch with him. The fucking lucking bastard didn't even answer his fucking question. He muttered 'good' and 'no thanks' as he lead me to his room to play video games. Fucking ungrateful bastard.
Then we have his mother. She was beautiful. Like an angel. Her hair reached her shoulder and she wore a Sunday dress. She had a voice of angel too, not like I believe in those bitches. She asked him how his day was. He was to busy fighting me in Mortal Kombat to even look at her.
"Told dad already." He said, not taking his eyes off.
She sighed in defeat. I couldn't help it.
"I had a very pleasing day, Mrs. Cullen." I sang. Her eyes sparkled.
"Is that so James?" she smiled and I nodded.
"Mum, were playing a game." Whined Edward. Again. Fucking ungrateful bastard.
"Sorry honey." She giggled.
After she left, Edward made fun of me. Saying I had a crush on his mum. Sick fucker. I told him 'Na ah' and then distracted him with my Sub-Zero. He never mentioned it again. Of course Edward was wrong. I did not have a crush on his mother. No.
I just thought that if my mum was… alive she would look like Esme. Maybe? I don't even no. Fuck. Why am I thinking about this shit. Esme is Edward's mum. Even if he doesn't realize how lucky he is, he is still lucky.
So I have grown up with Edward. I had been there for his Christmases and birthdays. Watched how his parents give him gift and hugs. Esme once gave me a teddy bear, she really shouldn't have. But when she gave me a hug, she smelt like… baked cookies. I wonder if they all spelt like that. Mothers.
As I grew up seeing Edward's life, I realize how different we were. My birthday. Hah. My dad would drink his way trough the day. I was given a gift for Christmas from Buck's assistant. Gift cards, cash, credit cards. Nothing more. My sister on the other hand. I smiled as I thought about her. She used to save up and buy me a cupcake and sing to me. She did have a card, but Buck checked the bill. Sometime she would take me to mother's grave to celebrate. I never felt comfortable. Celebrating my birth was like celebrating her death.
Lucy told me that mum would of wanted to celebrate my birthday and that she, as my older sister, had to make it the best day ever. After she left, no one cared. Buck forgot to mention to his new assistant about my Christmas gifts, so that stopped. Buck always found a way to be out of the country during holidays. On my birthdays he'd mope around the house, drunk, and if I came into his view, he'd go on about how I killed his darling wife. Not really happy birthdays.
So I started to leave my house for my birthday and get as drunk as possible. Get far away from Buck as possible. New York, LA, Vancouver and this year Seattle.
Fuck! My birthday party.
Isabella Swan.
I can't believe Edward left Tanya for her. I mean, yeah I'm glad they broke up… again, but the freak?
I spent most of my school years making fun of her. Good times.
So when the freak dressed up for Emmett's game well I was pissed. What was she trying to do? Be like Tanya? Please many have tried, none have won. Laurent thought she was hot. Please. He said that she might be hotter than Tanya. It took so much control not to beat his ass.
I really hated the freak.
I forgot how, but the bet was made. Laurent dared me to take Edward's girl from him.
I wanted to take Edward's girl from him. I would show him how it felt to see the one you cared about being stanched away from you.
He had everything. Why?
I had nothing. Why?
Edward didn't care about anything. He's the captain of the soccer team. Does he care? No. He won sport champion. He didn't work for it. He had Tanya. And he kept letting her go.
Truthfully. I just wanted to break them up. The Freak and Edward.
I don't even remember that night clearly. But I remember that Freak wearing the sexiest dress, nothing compared to Tanya. And when I saw her on my bed, I couldn't help my self. I mean I led her to my bedroom, she came. She wanted it. I knew she was crying because of Edward. Ha. Edward Cullen strikes again, breaking one heart at a time.
I gave her something to loosen up. It worked. I hated Edward and at the time she hated him. It made sense. I needed to pour out my anger and so did she. Apparently, she asked me to stop. Causing me and Edward to have a show down. My body still ached from the memory. I vaguely remember hearing her say no. But, I couldn't stop. I finally felt in control. Like I had the power. Like I could decide, like I had a choice, like I was in control... Like I wasn't the one receiving the pain for once. /div
And she was so soft. Not as soft as Tanya.
I remember when I spent that night with Tanya.
Edward told me, him and Tanya were over. For good. I wanted to get my chance with her as soon as I could, before he could get his hands on her. So… I drove. I would drive a hundred miles for her. I would walk a thousand miles for her.
When I reached to her place, she opened the door. And she was beautiful. I talked to her. As James. And she talked to me as Tanya. No Edward. But I could still see him in her eyes. So. I lied to her. It killed me to, but it was for her good. She didn't belong to him. He was ungrateful.
I told her he was with some Mexican slut. And after some more red wine… she kissed me. Me. James Anderson. And how could I say no to her. So I kissed her too.
She finally realized that we were meant to be together. She had feelings for me. And I loved her. I couldn't deny her a thing. We moved to her room. And I didn't care if she saw my scars and mark on my body. She accepted me. I belong to her. When she touched me, she wiped it all away. It was the happiest moment of my life. But I didn't know it would be followed by the darkest.
I woke up that morning alone in bed. Naked. Tanya was dressed in skinny jean and a Gucci top. She looked beautiful.
"Morning love." I smiled.
"Don't!" she yelled at me.
"What's wrong?"
"I can believe I slept with you. I had to scrub of a hundred times today in the shower, just to get the smell of me. Your smell." she looked... disgusted.
"Tanya baby I-"
"Ewww. Don't you dare call me baby! This meant nothing to me, James. I was drunk and upset. I would have never slept with you if I was sober. I'm with Edward." She declared.
"But you guys broke up." I stuttered.
"Yeah? So? It doesn't mean I'm going to be with you James. I'm not Victoria." she Laughed.
"Get out of my room James. Get out of my house and my life, you dirty fuck." She yelled as she threw my clothes in my face. I got off the bed and started changing into my clothes. When I put the last element of clothing on, my shirt, she spoke again.
"And James?" she said. And for that moment I had a little hope left in me.
"Don't tell anyone what happened here. Ever. Don't you dare tell Edward. He would never believe you." she snarled.
"Yes, Tanya." I obeyed as much as it killed me to.
And with that, I lost all hope.
I drove back to Forks and went straight to Vic's. And I fucked her. Again and again. Until all the fucking anger was gone. Vic liked it rough and she was always begging me to fuck her. So. Yeah. Vic.
It was 5am when I started to get dress. I was in my jeans in Vic's bed when I was about to put my shirt on. I felt Vic's finger tip dance of my marks. She always questioned where they came from. I still don't know why she cared. When she asked I always told her to go fuck herself.
I was about to put my shirt over my head when I felt… Vic's lip on my scars. I wiped my head to see her placing kisses on my back, the sheets around her breasts.
"What the hell are you doing?" I spat at her. Vic sighed and fell on her pillow, smiling at me.
"I love you." She smiled.
What?
Vic never said that to me. Shit, no one has ever said that to me. I quickly put my shirt on and I was about to get my shoes, when I felt Vic leaning her head on my shoulder.
"I missed you. All Summer. I love you, James. I never felt like this before." She softly giggled. She lifted herself and straddled me, the sheet slipping down her chest. He hands cupped my face and her eyes looked into mine.
"I'm so happy you came back. I love you, James. I truly do." she whispered as she kissed all over my face. I couldn't take it anymore.
I grabbed her hips and pushed her of me. I got my shoes and started walking out of the room.
"James? I lo-"
"NO!" I yelled at her as I turned to face her.
Hurt in her eyes. Water falling down.
"I can believe you. I didn't come back for you. God Vicky! What the hell is wrong with you?" I laughed at her. I used the nickname I knew she hated. Vicky.
"James I-"
"God! Don't you dare say you love me! This meant nothing to me Vicky. I was drunk and angry. You're just a fuck buddy. When I need you for release, I come. That's all we are." I smiled at her.
"It's Tanya, isn't it. You like her more than me, right? She's with Edward, you know?" she croaked.
"Yeah? So? It doesn't mean I'm going to be with you Vicky." I grinned.
"I hope you get this Vicky. I could never love you. Never. You get that?" I tried to make her understand.
"Yes, James." she obeyed.
And I left her. Naked in her bed, clutching the sheets. Alone.
Back to the present...
I was driving home from Laurent's. After breaking off my friendship with Edward today I went to his place to smoke. I told Edward about Tanya. I just wanted to see his face crumble. Just see his face capture the pain that I've been in for so long.
I pulled in the drive way of one of the many mansions of the Andersons. It was dark when I came home. The lights were all off, I assumed Buck was asleep. I slowly opened the front door with my keys and slipped of my shoes and carried them, trying to make not make any noises. I came in quickly but quietly. I was about to head to my room when I saw Buck. He was across the room, sitting in the dark.
"Hey, Dad." I gave him an uncomfortable grin which faded as soon as I met his eyes. I became more nervous.
"What are you doing up so late?" I asked him.
"I couldn't sleep. I got a call from Rogue Hotel in Seattle today." He rose from his seat.
"And from the Seattle Station and Seattle Grace Hospital." He walked relentlessly towards me, increasingly my wary.
"Any guesses what they wanted to talk about? The article about me in TIMES? No. Congratulating me in the case with OPEC? No." he shrugged his shoulders.
Buck reached over to me and planted his right hand, heavily, on the back of my shoulder. He turned me and put his arm around me.
"They wanted to talk about my son's latest boxing match." He slurred, alcohol lurking in his breath.
Buck bent his arm so his hand was on the back of my head. His tone had been steady, but menacing. I put my hand to my eyes.
"Look, Dad, I, uh… I don't know what-" I stuttered.
Before I could say anything, Buck grasped the back of my neck hard.
"Well I know what happened. Believe me I got the full report." He said, dangerously soft. But his voice became louder. "Being dragged to hospital at 1 am in the morning with broken rips." And then he started shouting. "And the hotel finding illegal substance in your fucking penthouse!"
Buck flung me across the room while yelling the last bit in my face. I landed face down on the cold tiles and quickly scrabbled round to face Buck, still half-lying across the tiles. After all these years you'd think I would know what to expect. To be ready, but fear ran all over my soul. I tried not to show it to Buck.
"How does it look when America finest attorney's son contains illegal substance and is taken to the fucking hospital after a drunken fight? Do you have any idea what your stunt just cost me?" He shouted at me.
"Of course you don't. You never had to work for anything in your life." He took his voice down a few notches. The next part, he said softly, but the harshness was still there.
"Well, you're going to get your lesson in respect. Tonight."
Disappoint ran across my face with Buck's words ringing in my ears.
"James. Don't you ever embarrass me again. I'll be waiting in my office." Buck whispered to me.
I watched Buck walk away, as I tried to steady my breathing. It surprised me how much he still had effect on me. I only hoped in lessen over the years to come. I pulled myself up and walked to Buck's master bedroom. Past his king size bed, draped in black silk bed sheets, I move myself to his walk in wardrobe. I walked in and slid open the doors of the familiar section. The section contained belts. There must have been over fifty belts hanging from either side of the walls of Buck's closet. I was familiar with all of them. Madison, April, Alexis, Savannah, Zaina, Abigail and the list when on. Over the years the ladies have comforted me.
I considered them all, all of them were beautiful. But I had to choose one. If I didn't hurry… I finally picked one. It was hard, they were all so stunning. But I chose Scarlett.
Scarlett was very beautiful. Smooth and soft. I felt her weight in my hands, grounding me to earth. I dance my fingers on her. She was black leather and had a 9 caret buckle. Beauty for the rich. I took my time folding her in my hands. Remembering that Buck was waiting I slid the door close and left Buck's bedroom. I walked quickly to Buck's study. Buck never liked tardiness. As I approached the study, I saw Buck Anderson standing at the window, looking over the hills as he drank his scotch. I paused at the door with Scarlett in my hands. When Buck turned around and acknowledged me, I entered his study. He held out his hand for Scarlett, which I gave him with no hesitation. I learnt from the previous times. He unfurled Scarlett and went to close the door.
That was my cue.
I lifted my shirt over my head, taking it off. I neatly fold it and place it on Buck's priceless timber table from Paris. As I do, I bend over and place my elbow on my shirt. Don't want to ruin Buck's table, do we?
I heard Buck step behind me as he cracked his neck. And then… it started.
As Scarlett's slick body slammed against my skin, a burning sensation ran through my body. The sound of Scarlett's flesh against my flesh rang in my ears. I growled as I heard Scarlett's scream as she met my body once again. Scarlett sent my body on fire as she continued to pound against my hot blooded flesh. The burning ran through my body, running through my veins and pierced into my bones and into my soul. Scarlett kept slapping her flesh against mine. Again and again. Again and again. She wasn't going to stop any time soon. The passion of her slim, slick body kept striking mine, sending the burning to my fingers and toes.
Finally with her last slam, the sensation spread to my body causing my head to fall my back and hissed as my body came alive for a moment. The moment came and flew away. Once, my body was alive and now it felt numb. I tried to get my breathing steady and my heart to stop beating so fast. My body was still burning, even after Scarlett's touch was gone. And I knew that when tomorrow came I would have her marks on me. She marked me. I deserved it at least. This was my life. Deciding between Sophia, Sara, Kimberly, Yasmine, Veronica and so many more. They have all marked me in there own way. And I have been accustomed to this life.
My relationship with my abusive father is largely hostile. This isn't the first time he's punished me by whipping with his belt. Sometime he's more creative, giving me cigarettes burns and broken noses and arms.
After Buck left for the airport, he had a meeting in New York with OPEC, I got to my secret stash of scotch. And I drunk. I drank and I drank. All the pain. Washing it all. The pain. The pain I gave my mother. The pain Scarlett gave me. The pain Tanya gave me. The pain I gave Victoria. The pain Edward gave me. The pain I gave Isabella. The pain my father gave me. The pain I gave that band geek. The pain my sister gave me. The pain I gave the fat cheek in math. I drank it all. I leaned my back on the wall and sank down on the floor. I felt the burn on my back from Scarlett. From all of them.
Scarlett, Sophia, Sara, Kimberly, Yasmine, Veronica, Madison, April, Alexis, Savannah, Zaina, Abigail, Megan, Julie, Elana, Diana, Lilly, Britany, Amy, Fiona, Georgina, Gemma, Zoe, Ashley, Zara, Jade, Brooke, Imogen, Mia, Stella, Amber, Keria, Eliza, Ruby, Layla, Holly, Haley, Maya, Joanna, Amelia, Chole, Tami, Oliva, Kate, Audrey, Bianca, Cluadia, Natasha, Brianna, Angelina, Charlotte and... more. There were always more. Their marks, old and new, scratched my shirt as it created friction with the barriers in my house. Their marks. They marked me. But as what? They marked me for what I was.
Orphan.
Weak.
Loser.
Tortured.
Lonely.
I've always tried to avoid labels, but they seem to always find me...