"Goddamn it! Why won't you die, bitch?!" I yelled a the television screen before forgetting the minor detail that most of London was logically in bed right now, along with my flatmate, Micah.
Speak of the devil, she came out of her bat cave. "What the fuck?! Your imaginary friends don't need death threats," Micah stumbled out of her room, mumbling incoherently.
"Har har." The only death threats I'd be sending would be to whomever decided to gift her with the talent of light sleep.
"It's four in the morning."
"No shit. I just have to defeat this boss monster real quick."
"Your life is so satisfying," she said, then proceeded to tap against the wall and disappear into her room. I love that girl, but I'm in the middle of Zelda and can't be bothered. When I'm playing any sort of video game, I am always crazy stressed, that is until I press the save button, when all of my worries are washed away. That feeling is worth the hours of anxiety over how to kill this monster.
The sun peaked at me behind the four blankets as if to say, "Wake up! Get off your ass,!" Which I respond with a, "I'm going to climb a space ship and blow you up." You think I'm kidding, but trust me, I'm dead serious.
Grumbling, I left my bed at 12:27 on the dot. Impressive, considering that I usually wake up about three hours later. It's just that every time I attempt to leave my bed, I end up getting sucked back in by the softness of the covers and promise of slumber. Plus my cat wouldn't let me go. I can hear her little purrs decoded into something along the lines of, "Don't leave, Atari! You must stay with me and sleep forever!" And who can argue with that?
Checking my phone, I realized that I had the usual good morning text from my boyfriend. However, when I opened it, it said, "Meet me at our Starbucks? I want to tell you something."
Smiling, I got ready. Clothes? Check. Hair? Sure I guess. Okay, ready. TOMS, cash, cards, and my cell phone later, I left for the underground.
I tugged my cardigan closer to me, shielding from the very late November chill. The holes in my shoes made walking uncomfortable and my toes frozen, but I would continue to wear these until there are no soles. I forgot about the cold when I saw Ben inside with his coat on and no drink in front of him.
Then I saw his eyes. His beautiful dark green eyes that changed to turquoise when he was happy and blue when he was sad. They were light green when I looked at him from underneath the covers two years ago and light turquoise when I woke him up the next morning. But now they were staring at me with broken blue inside. Instead of the usual glow about his face, there was a sense of guilt. And I knew that before I even got to the table.
"What's wrong?"" I asked as I pulled out the chair. The ice from his eyes moved from my face to the table.
"Nothing," he hesitated. But who could believe someone who was avoiding your gaze and tapping his leg against the floor?
"I'll go get you your usual. To go or for here?"My feet started heading for the counter when he pulled on my wrist. I pulled my arm away. I hate when people grab me like that.
"Sorry, but no. Um.. sit down." He rubbed his neck guiltily. Okay, something's wrong. Did he quite his job? Did he move? Is someone dead?
I sat down. "Now before you start asking questions, I have to let you know something." Que dramatic pause, as though it was a movie. "I slept with someone last night and I hope you can forgive me and we can be friends but I think thatweshouldshmershmershmer."
"What?" None of that sunk in. I felt like he was going to say "Surprise! I was just kidding, got you there, didn't I boo? But no seriously, someone died." Because that's something that he would do. I accept the good and the bad in people.
"I think we should stop seeing each other." Ben confessed. His eyes were the worst part. He had always been easy to read. That was one of my favorite qualities about him. Now it was my downfall. His eyes said that he was sorry, but not for the fact that he cheated, but for the fact that he confessed. Insecurities of myself flashed before my eyes as everything crumbled. I knew that I wasn't good enough anymore.
"It's okay, we can work this out. It was only once, ri-"
"We've been fucking for two months. We want to go public but she told me I had to tell you first." One last glance was all I got before he left the cafe.
My mind acused me of everything I'm not, and what I should have been. She's probably prettier, skinnier, more social, she probably likes cars and cares about her social factor, has a normal job, better past, less involvement, less investment in time.
But I refused to be one of those girls who cries in cafes and runs around complaining about their life. I got up calmly from my chair and ordered a drink that's warm and sweet before I left the coffee shop with a jingle of bells over the door.
My feet carried on, calm and collected as I moved to the underground. I knew that a bit of Halo 4 would get me back on track.
But when I saw the train pull away from the station just as I arrived, I collapsed. Am I ever going to be enough for someone? What absolutely sucks is that I spent two years on him. Ben didn't even apologize. He wasn't even sorry for wasting two perfectly good years of memories. I was going to move in with him and leave Micah for her own flat. Guess plans change. God I sound like a freaking soap opera.
My legs were no longer strong enough to hold me up. I met the dirty floor and found salt water coming out of my eyes, slowly but surely. When I cry, I am not one of those pretty girls who can just casually cry with pretty wide eyes and lightly pink cheeks, no I am a fucking dying walrus. I pulled my knees to my chest and sobbed as people moved past me, too involved in their own personal lives to care. So I huddled closer to the wall, getting soot and ashes on my pants.
"Missing the trolly is nothing to be upset over, love," I peaked my head up from it's resting place on my legs. The adolescent man sat next to me, not seeming to care if he got dirt all over his jeans that were sagging off of his hips, exposing boxers. After letting me cry for a few minuets, casually tapping his fingers against his leg and nodding his head to unrecognizable music, he pulled me closer to him. This gave me hope that people aren't total dicks and that there is hope for humanity. But not for Ben. If I thought I was sobbing then, after that train of thought, I was a fucking waterfall. I have never cried over a guy like I was crying now. And in front of a cute boy.
After many minuets and a few trains passing, I finally calmed down. "One time, my flatmate Phil recorded me talking in my sleep and for a good half hour I was contemplating about bunnies terrorizing little boys. Is that weird?" I looked up from the position in the crook of his arm and saw the perfect expression on his handsome face and nearly died laughing. This started him into a fit of chuckles.
To anyone other than us, this would have looked quite odd. The children walking in front of us pulled on their mothers' and fathers' coats, pointing, while the adults glared and ignored us.
"Thank you," I said once I composed myself. "I needed that. And no, I don't think that's weird at all. I'm sorry for yeah, crying and all that. I don't usually do that," I confessed, wiping the water off my heart-shaped face, away from my pink cheeks and gray-green eyes. His arm was still around me, and I may or may not have moved closer to him.
"Don't be sorry, there's nothing to be sorry for," the boy replied. A fresh set of dark brown eyes gave me a life jacket to hold on to.
"I probably melted all your frozens," I said, gesturing to his grocery bags.
"They won't mind. What's your name?" he asked
"Atari," I replied, rubbing my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my cardigan, still under the protective arm of the mystery guy. He smiled. "My parents were huge gamers, so I guess they wanted to pass it on."
"That is the coolest name ever. My name's Dan, if you wanted to know, but yeah. I don't know if I trust you to get home by yourself. Would you like a train partner?" Dan asked as he stood up, holding his hand out to me. His smile made my stomach explode with excitement. Now what was I crying over?
"I'd be honoured. But I'm not a damsel in distress," I stood up on my own and smiled at his face that was a few inches above mine. My hands clutched my coffee closely, where I found it to the perfect temperature to drink.
We proceeded together past the desk to the trolly. Thank God for cards. This time we made it with time to spare, unlike my previous endeavor. The conversation was stifled until the doors closed, when the lack of space in the London underground put us in a situation where talking was welcome to avoid the awkward situation. With only five minuets until my stop, and honestly, I was thankful for the company.
"So where are you originally from? Your accent sounds like American, but not, you know. Yeah," Dan said.
"I was born in the US and moved here when I was 19 for a scholarship in video game design over here in London," I said between sips of warm coffee. I used my freehand to take one of the bags of groceries and set it on my lap so he didn't have to handle so many Tesco foods.
"Wow, that's actually really cool. Do you design any fancy video games? Or are you still in uni?"
"I graduated uni and now I work in designing video games but as of right now I'm going through six months of internship, sort of, I just fill in a bunch of paperwork on my computer about the graphics of various games and playing all of them for about 9 hours a day. I got my gen. eds. in my hometown and transferred here for my sophomore year on till graduation, I took a year to intern in Seattle for Microsoft. This is probably way more information than you need," a blush spread across my face.
"You worked on X-Box games?" Dan was in minor shock.
"Yeah, sort of, I learned how they did the sounds for Halo and all of the graphics. I mostly ran around with flash drives and USB cords. It was really cool though."
"That sounds fucking amazing!" His smile just brightens my day a little more every time I saw it. There's a small dimple that appears next to his laugh lines and it's super cute. "Sorry, I have a bad habit of swearing. Hope you don't mind. But even if you did, I literally won't stop. Sorry."
"Trust me, I couldn't care less if you swear. My flatmate hates how often I do it."
"Same here! Phil can't stand it." The train came to a halt at my stop and we both got off, Dan claiming something of how this happened to be his stop as well. I was thrilled for the excuse to walk next to him more.
"So where do you work?" I asked. The hustle and bustle of the train cut off his mumbling. "What?"
"Never mind," he replied. And like the socially awkward person I am, I decided to not bring it up again. I know, it would make the conversation flow better, but I've never been good at that. We stayed quiet, talking about the weather and stupid small talk that we both hate. Inhaling each others air, me happily getting small whiffs of his cologne mixed with the November breeze.
"Well, this is my building," I said as we got to the large complex of apartments.
"You're joking."
"No... Why?" I began to get confused. Like what? Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is my building...
"This is my building," Dan said with giant grin on his face.
"No fucking way! This is perfect!" We entered together, and I have to admit, I liked the way we looked in the reflexion from the elevators when we got there. I was only one floor down from him. The posh lady said "going up" as we ascended into space.
"Text me sometime maybe? I could introduce you to Phil maybe? Or we could play video games or watch Buffy or Doctor Who maybe?" his voice was shy and adorable.
"I'd like that," I said with a smile as I poked his shoulder. We exchanged numbers, leaving me exactly enough time to leave the elevator and walk down to my apartment. Little did I know that leaving the company of someone else would make me wallow in self pity for the fact that I am forever alone.