A/N: This fic
takes place when Syaoran, Sakura, and Meilin are twenty-ish, somewhere like
that. There will be alternating POVs, so it might be confusing, but I hope all
will be clear at the end. =)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable.
*~*~*~*~*
That day… it was…
I was ashamed.
I am still ashamed, to be
honest, and I'll never regret what I have done to relieve the guilt. I cannot
ever repay Sakura for her kindness, and leaving Syaoran was to help with my
debt, no matter how little it can do.
She refused him.
It must be my fault, I
believe. I was too – too possessive. Syaoran is not my toy. He is not something
I can lock away in my closet, and not let anyone near him. He is a human being,
with a free will, and – and emotions, feelings. He – he loves whoever his heart
tells him to.
I denied him that.
That day, with towering nobility I
can never hope to match, she gave him to me. With her heart full of love for him, she gave
him to me. I was shocked, so truly shocked I hid it with a smirk. Oh, how I hated myself that day. Syaoran was too
shocked to register any emotions – why couldn't have I followed his example?
No, instead, I smirked, scorned her, causing her to leave trying holding back
more tears than she could handle. Syaoran looked at me coldly then, and I knew
whatever little feelings he had for me was dashed away with my one single act.
I regretted it, but not for the reason that he doesn't – and never will - love me, but for the reason that I
destroyed our friendship – the only thing I had with him. And – though it
seemed virtually impossible – I still hoped I had a friendship with Sakura. No
matter how little, I hope Sakura was still my friend. And I shall never have as
good as a friend as her… if I only knew to treasure what I had in life sooner…
it must be nice to have a best friend…
Please, Syaoran-kun, Sakura-chan,
please do not let me go in vain… stay together…
*~*~*~*~*
Maybe it's my fault. Maybe all of it
was just a hallucination, or – even better – a dream. A nightmare, actually.
Her words still echoed in my mind to this day, so clearly it seemed as if she
had just spoken…
May
you two grow old together with joy…
I vaguely remember
there were pauses in between that phrase when she spoke, but that doesn't
matter anymore. It was a translation of the Chinese phrase for newlyweds – bai tou dao lao. She must have meant what
she said, if she went through the trouble of finding a phrase to translate –
right? Or does it mean…
Wishful thinking. I laughed at
myself. How stupid can I get? She – she doesn't want to be with me. I don't
know whether or not Meilin meant what she did on our wedding day – though I
suppose you cannot call it that, since it wasn't complete – but it doesn't
matter to me. I was, honestly, relieved. If it had been Sakura, my heart would
have been shattered, like that tiny crystal swan when I proposed to her.
The next day, she gathered the three
of us in the same room and congratulated us, hoping we would have a wonderful
wedding and even more splendid a life together.
… She rejected me.
Meilin – she should be regretting
terribly for her actions, her manners, that day. She should be. She should be
trying to find a way to make up for what…
She has.
She has made up for what she had
done. It all clicked.
Am I going mad? What took me
so long… ?
But – she did not – no. That would
not have been like Sakura. I am glad to know Sakura did not immediately take
Meilin's place. If she had, I knew that girl – that woman – was not my beloved
Sakura–chan. But now, now it's all too late…
*~*~*~*~*
Was what I did all in vain? Oh
Meilin, why couldn't have you just married him? I would not feel this worm-like
guilt eating away my heart. When you walked away, my mind registered only one
thing – Syaoran was free. I could be with him. But something deep inside of me
told me it would not have been right for me to take your place like that.
I was in cloud nine those few
days I spent with Syaoran. He bought me this beautiful, delicate, little
crystal swan. It was one of the most heavenly things I've ever seen. The way it
caught the light, bringing out the beautiful hues of the rainbow. My heart sang
with joy.
It was for me. From Syaoran.
When I took it into my hands, his
eyes clearly expressed it was from his heart.
I hope he knows I accepted it
with my heart.
That moment, we were truly
happy, blissful, in love, because that crystal swan represented everything we
had.
I broke it.
He proposed to me, oh my kami
he simply kneeled there and proposed to me. Startled, I dropped it – I had it
no more than a few hours and I have already broken it – and I ran away from
him. I don't know why – maybe to avoid confronting him about the swan… maybe to
avoid answering him. I simply ran as fast as I could back home.
You may wonder why I did not throw
my arms around him and scream "Yes!"… Syaoran has – had an engagement with
someone else… and I cannot have him eat his words, even if they were not his
own. He was still engaged to Meilin, and he could not simply throw that promise
away and leave her alone… he cannot. I thought and thought and I decided on
what I had to do. I had a little Chinese – Japanese dictionary I bought a few
years ago for my college course in Chinese. I looked up a specific phrase, and
the next day I invited and Meilin to a café down the street. Mustering all my
willpower, I tried not to cry as I congratulated them. Bai tou dao lao – yes, that was the
phrase. Meilin – I was hoping – she wounded me terribly. I knew she couldn't
have meant it – I think I saw the shock in her eyes through the blur of my
welling tears – but it still hurt.
The bitter tears spilt.
I ran out of the café then,
determined to cry in private. I cried all the way home, and throughout the rest
of the day.
I cried myself to sleep.
And on Syaoran and Meilin' wedding
day, I cried before trying to make myself look presentable for the occasion.
What happened surprised me –
delighted me, too, I'm afraid – but also irritated me. She – all I did was in
vain! I left the wedding after her.
… I'm so sorry.
Meilin
now lies buried under the soft earth, and I cried my last tears. I cried not
only for her, but for Syaoran and me. Her okaasan informed us of Meilin's last
wish…
No matter how indifferent
Syaoran-kun may seem, he does have feelings. And I, I cannot bring myself to
get over the representation of her death.
Gomen nasai, Meilin-chan… we
will not be able to…
A/N: Somewhat
OOCish (especially for Syaoran), ne? =) But let's all keep in mind people do
change over the years…