AN: I just saw RocknRolla for the first time and i realized that if i didn't write this down, it would kill my imagination, because the plo just kept banging around my head. Its gonna be short and not really in the vein of the movie because lets face it, i can't write that. but i hope i keep true at least to the characters.
For the little girl here, and later the grown one, i imagined Mia Wasikowska, because she just fits. I hope you like.

Part 1

"There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with our first great sorrow. Before we know what it is to have loved and lost, to despaired and have recovered hope." ― George Elliot

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Chapter 1

She had been thirteen years old when Johnny Quid had died.

Well… now - about nine or something years later - she should probably say 'when Johnny Quid died for the first time', but that was the problem: he had died once and only that time for her. After that, she hadn't hurt as much. It wasn't nice to say that, and maybe that made her callous, but after that first time, she had lost the ability to be surprised by anything he did – death included. Johnny Quid – that became the joke in some circles she ran in, but Lisa had never, not once, found it funny.

But it had never been quite like that first time, and that was the pure truth. Possibly because she had been so young then. She had never known any kind of sorrow, or fear or loss. She had lived a very sheltered life, in many ways she was still a child. So when she found him that fateful night, looking grey and cold to the touch… there had been no means in her to deal or even understand the absolute despair she felt.

Lisa had known that he did drugs - he and his friends talked about it often enough and she knew enough about the argument never to repeat a word of what she heard to another living soul - but in her mind she had not been able to truly dissect what that meant. She didn't have the means to understand the harsh reality of it beyond a group of teenagers laughing all over the Persian carpets of her living room.

The only thing that Lisa shared with Johnny Quid's world was the name of their school and her sister, who played in his band.

Jocelyn Wilbur, a.k.a. Will to for her friends. (Cee to her sister alone) was a guitarists and she played with Johnny and three other boys in their band. They practiced in her house's basement, and had parties and even though Lisa was almost five years younger than both her sister and Johnny, she still hung in the fringes of their life – and Cee let her, because she could see how much Lisa adored it.

It was just so much fun, even though all Lisa did was just sit there with a camera of a sketchbook and look at them. They were so glamorous in her eyes, so impossibly free and cool and alive. rock&roll with a side dish of danger, because being around them always felt just a little bit wrong, as if she was doing something she shouldn't be doing… and Lisa loved it.

There were four boys in Cee's band, but Lisa liked Johnny best of all. Mostly because she had known him every since she could remember, seeing that Cee was the closest thing he had to a best friend. And also because… well, it was silly and stupid and Lisa would never admit it to a living soul… but she had a crush on him. And why not - he had the sweetest smile and always made her laugh and never talked to her like she was a retarded five year old. He was the only one in her sister's band that actually talked to her period – the other doofus' looked at her like she was a pet or something. Johnny knew better, and Lisa adored him for it.

She remembered this one time when they had all been sitting in the kitchen eating and talking about their next gig, when – without warning or any obvious motive - Johnny had grabbed Lisa and thrown her over his shoulder kicking ad screaming and then run all over the house with the others chasing him and Lisa laughing and Cee staring after him in irritation, rolling her eyes. One particularly loud 'if you get her hurt I'll rip your spleen through your back Johnny' followed after them and Lisa felt like smiling. She had been thrown in the pool and the four boys came crashing down after her, laughing and howling like wolves.

That had been a fund day.

There were not-so-much-fun days as well, but Lisa had only ever had glimpses of those, which was perhaps why she had no understanding of what drugs really did to you – or Johnny, as was the case. But Cee didn't feel the need to educate her baby sister on that particular subject. Years later Lisa had understood that her sister was trying to protect her and she acknowledged that, had she been in Cee's place, Lisa would have probably done the same thing… but sometimes she couldn't help but wanting to have had some kind of warning. But Cee didn't keep her around when Johnny was all glares and sneers and filthy words and short-temper.

Cee knew that Lisa loved having Johnny around (the more the merrier was her little sister's philosophy, something Cee suspected was because she missed her parents, who were almost never around anymore.) They were both used to him, he had his own room and everything, seeing that every now and then he took a vacation from his house and came to stay over, sometimes for weeks (god knew Cee understood!). But though Lisa cared for Johnny like she would for a big brother, she was just a kid still and she wouldn't understand it if he snapped at her seemingly without motive, and Cee had enough presence of mind not to keep her around when he got like that.

Something else Lisa never really understood back then was the true nature of that gleam in Johnny's eyes sometimes. She never really comprehended that it was not quite like her own, not happiness or laughter. never caught the particular manic signs in his behavior sometimes. Cocaine will do that to you... but Lisa had been barely thirteen, she didn't really know all that. Not yet anyway.

She found out exactly what that mean on Cee's class graduation party.

And she could never quite forget it.