Super Smash Bros,
The Story Continues
"Well, well, well, what HAVE we here?" Mario spun around to find out where this deep voice had origionated.
"Ay ay ay, who said that?" The baffled plumber demanded of the empty woods behind him.
"Down here, sucka." Mario slowly nodded his head to cast his glance downward, and whom did he see but everyone's favorite little pink cream puff, Kirby.
"Oh," Mario remarked nonchalantly, "It's you."
"You were expecting Donkey Kong?" Kirby retorted, his Barry White voice dripping with sarcasm.
"No," Mario pointed up a tree to Kirby's left, "Donkey Kong is right there."
"Hmm, so he is." Kirby tried his hardest to seem not to care.
"I assume you interrupted my Sunday stroll in the forest for a reason?" Mario said, beginning to sound annoyed.
"You know what I want." Kirby demanded.
"I told you, I don't have it!" Mario said, for what seemed to be the 20,000th time in the last two years.
"I want my cut of the profits from Super Smash Bros!" Kirby growled.
High up in the tree the voice of a British gentleman called down, "I do say my good chaps, now that you mention it…"
Mario and Kirby both raised their heads and stared blankly at the large ape in the tree.
"Umm, err… I mean… that is… KONG WANT MONEY!"
The three began yelling at each other, each at the top of his lungs. Kirby and Donkey Kong craving money, and Mario claiming that there was none.
"No one got any! There weren't enough profits from…" Mario yelled.
"Bull poopie!" Kirby exclaimed, "I saw the paperwork! You and that Earthbound gimp made off with all the dough!"
"I say, can't we just settle this over tea? I mean…um, KONG turn YOU into dough, little man!"
This went on for another few minutes or so, no one getting anywhere. All of a sudden, out of nowhere (and of course by nowhere I mean Texas), a troupe of buglers marched in on either side of the path, and began playing a round of fanfare. Between these two rows a stout man in ill-fitting clothing stepped forward and unrolled a piece of paper.
"Announcing," the man read, "The great, mighty, hero of Hyrule, that slayer of Sorcerers," to which he added under his breath "who somehow always manage to rise from the dead. Again and again and again…" This got a snicker from the three video game heroes gathered, and a kick in the bum from one of the buglers. "OW! Oh, um... fighter of evil, guardian of justice, and official spokesman for Pegasus Boots â¢, Link!"
At the sound of his name the hero walked through the ranks of musicians and swatted the pudgy yeoman from his path. His bright shield shined in the sun, and his sword was freshly stained with the blood of one thousand offending mosquitoes.
"What means ye by yon disturbance of Hyrule's great peace?" Link calmly demanded of the quarrelers.
Kirby was the first to point an accusing finger at Mario; "He won't give me my cut of profits from Super Smash Bros!"
Mario rolled his eyes, "I told you, there wasn't…"
Donkey Kong interrupted, "ME WANT MONEY! I want my cut AND you have yet to pay me for that false imprisonment…"
This time was Mario's turn to interrupt, "I said I was sorry! Geez, it really looked like you were kidnapping the princess! How was I supposed to know that you were just administering the Heimlich maneuver?"
The newly arrived elf rubbed his chin in thought. "Thinking back, I believe not that any rewards were bestowed upon me…"
Mario smacked his forehead. "Are you ALL morons?"
"Huh?" asked Kirby, "Sorry, I was just thinking back to what happened whenever Ness blasted Samus with a thunder ball…"
Mario looked to the heavens, "IDIOTS! I'm surrounded by idiots! Oy, I need a pizza."
Link was abashed, "Darest though insult me thus?"
Kirby rolled his eyes at Link. "What do you need money for, anyway? Your rich girlfriend `ll give you anything you need. -I-, on the other hand, don't have a sugar mama."
Instantly Link's sword was drawn and at what he could only guess was Kirby's throat. "Thou shalt not insult the fair Princess Zelda, thus!"
"Ha!" Kirby laughed, "What? You gonna poke me with your little stick?"
"I shall skewer thee and roast thy corpse upon yon fire! I shall make s'mores of thee!"
Donkey Kong pondered this from his perch high in the tree, and asked after a moment, "How can you have some more of something that you…" But no one was listening. They were too engrossed in their own petty conversation that they'd forgotten about the large ape in the tree. Thinking that if he were down next to them, they'd hear him, Donkey Kong lept from the tree.
"KONG FFFFffffaaaaaallll…."
And with a `THUMP!' the mighty monkey landed on the ground.
"Watch it!" Kirby complained, "You almost squished me!"
"Not to alarm ye, but dost thou know what becomest of Mario?" Link asked, looking around frantically.
At this Donkey Kong looked very uncomfortable. "Terribly sorry old chaps, but I do believe that I've found him." And Donkey Kong lifted his foot and there they saw the broken bloody remains of Mario.
"Not… dead…" Mario pleaded, "oh… here it comes… bury me… with… mastacholi…" And with those last words, Mario's life was ended.
"Oops." Was all that Donkey Kong could say.
Kirby was furious. "You big clumsy olf! Do you know wt you just did? DO YOU? Now I'll never get my money! You big stupid ape!"
Donkey Kong looked down at his small accuser. After much thought, he decided that the whole situation would just be more pleasant without Kirby in it. So with one smooth motion, Donkey Kong bent over and caught Kirby with his tongue, chewed, and swallowed. "Creamy!" He remarked.
Link stood still, blinking his eyes, hoping to make at least a small amount of sense out of the situation. He failed. "Well… " He said, "I suppose now I must slay ye… having just killed two heroes, and all."
"Not to worry, old chum. I know how it is. I suppose we should now prepare for a very long and gruling battle in which we both fight our hardest for many days until we both die of exhaustion…"
Link pondered this for a moment, and realized that the whole idea just wasn't all that appealing to him. "Or… how about I give you five dollars to run away like a schoolgirl with a skinned knee and we call it even?"
Words cannot begin to describe the rage that flowed across Donkey Kong's face at such a suggestion. The mighty Kong? Run like a school girl? For five dollars? Actually, come to think of it… how many bananas can you get for five dollars…
Instantly the scowl was replaced with a bright smile and, taking the five dollars from Link's poor abused yeoman, Donkey Kong happily retreated while screaming like the Sega executives when they found out that dreamcast had gone under.
"Yeoman?" Link summoned.
"Sir?" was the cautious response.
"What hath become of my noble steed?" Inquired the victorious hero.
"Your horse? I believe the monkey squashed it with his other foot."
"Blast." Link said. "You know the drill."
The yeoman sighed. "Yes, sir."
And so, the conquering hero went off in search of new adventures, astride his noble servant.
"Sir, must you dig in your spurs like that?"
"Yes, yes I must."
El Fin
2001 by Spider IDH
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