Jus a weird... something, that I just had to write. I don't know where it came from, I really don't...
II(:
Disclaimer: blahblahblahnotmine,doyouknowwhatfanfictionis?blablabla...
The Last Letter
Dear Sirius,
Yes, it's me again. Maybe it's pathetic, the way I keep writing to you even though I never get replies, but you know why I'm doing it. And this time I'm not expecting an answer either. I'm unlikely to live long eough to see it. This is my last letter.
I want to say goodbye, but we've already said goodbye a few years ago, when you left. Maybe I should say hello instead? Maybe I should. After all I guess we are brothers again now. Or maybe I should say I'm sorry? For all the times Mother yelled at you and I stopped myself from defending you. For the years of appearing to hate you. Not really for hurting you, because I know you just didn't care what I thought of you, but for lying to you. And to everyone. My whole life was a lie. This letter is the only bit of truth I've ever told (At least I hope it is truth. I hope I can overcome my nasty habit of lying). Because I never hated you. Not even when you ran away. Mother cried that night, I don't think I ever told you about it. See, I'm such a liar. But I just thought you'd be happier thinking she was just angry. It would make you feel like you did the right thing. But did you really care? You're not me. You've got a conscience of your own and you don't care if I think what you did was right.
Anyway, I didn't hate you. It was hard to forgive you, but to hate you was impossible. I wanted, oh, how I wanted to forgive you, but I couldn't. Then I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't either.
Anyway, I want you to know why I lied. I've always been afraid of the truth. You might not understand it. You were the brave one. You had the guts to say what you thought. Now I see it was courage. I only called it stupidity because I was jealous that I didn't have it. You could shout back at Mother when she shouted at you, because you believed in what you were shouting. You could run away all you wanted, because you had somewhere to go. I was jealous. I could only be a good boy and watch it allpretending to agree with Mother. I could only do what they told me to. I couldn't say no. It would hurt them all too much.
But then I realised what I was being told to do began to involve hurting a lot of other people. You know I could never sacrifice my life for any kind of cause. But I don't like the idea of sacrificing other people's lives for it either. That's why I wish I could just quit it. But there is only one way out of it. I'm scared, but it's too late for fear. It's time for saying goodbye, explaining things, doing what I never would have done before. If I wasn't so frightened, I would say I'm finally free. I don't care how many people are going to want to kill me. Only one of them can do it after all. Nothing can make me more scared than I already am, so I can do anything now. I like to think this is a kind of courage too.
I wish I could say I'm not trying to make you proud, but that would be another lie. You know I'm not you and I always needed someone to tell me I'm a good boy… You don't have to really be proud. After all I'm a liar and a coward… I'm just asking you one small favour. Since I know I'm going to die soon, can I please die thinking you are proud of me?
I'm not as stupid as you probably think I am. I know I won't live to see the answer. I guess I'll just have to hope you are happy.
Your brother (again)
Regulus