The sound of silence
Numb.
That was the word.
I sat in my bed looking at the grey wall in front of me. I wanted to feel sad, angry…anything. But all I felt was numb.
Maybe there was a toll on how much I could feel for a certain amount of time. Maybe I had reached my limit for this month, this fucking year.
I smiled.
I remembered when I asked to stop feeling, when it got to be just a little too much. When my chest hurt just by breathing…now that my wish was granted I felt, odd. Unbalanced.
I knew that it was only a matter of time. I knew that deep down, all the pain I had endured those last months, was still there. Waiting. And like always, it would become too much and like a ticking bomb, it would explode in the worst moment…leaving me filled with shame and regret -on top of everything that I already felt-.
That was a classic for me. No wonder I was alone.
Who could want me? Unattractive, uninteresting and with too much baggage. Yes, some might think that I was fine, that all my smiles were real and my apparent carelessness was real. But as always, that was just a cover, a lie for me to keep on living, to fool myself and all the others into believing that I was untouchable, that I didn't hate every pore of my being. That I dreamed with my death every single day, because that was the beautiful scape. The chance to rest and stop this pain that seemed constant inside my being.
Killing myself you say? Nah, been there, done that. Didn't work.
I need death to come my way without my aid. That's why I go seek it every change I get, but of course. The bitch doesn't want me.
Just like he doesn't want me.
Oh, because of fucking course there is a he in this equation. Only that could trigger this fucking pity party. Only that could ruin the fucking joke of a nice life that I had.
I didn't even know his name…or his face.
I just knew his laugh, because he had the fucking guts to laugh at my jokes! To get my fucking twisted sense of humor! To look at me like a human being instead of…whatever the fuck I actually was.
Fucking wall crawler.
I snarled grasping my bold and disgusting head. What was wrong with me? Was I so low in the self-love scale that I was seriously falling for the first person that didn't try to kill me on sight?
Yes, you are.
Ah. Quietness didn't last long. I was starting to get worried. I thought narrowing my eyes when the white box decided to make its appearance.
Your pity parties are quite entertaining
"Go fuck yourself." I muttered to the yellow box, normally it was the one I liked the least.
You rather keep this going until you shot yourself? That shit hurts.
Better do it in the face, so we die for a while and don't feel much of it.
As attractive as that sounded, I had to decline. I was needed.
Cursed be the day we decided to work with Spidey.
At least we get to look at his ass and he even gave us a piggy back ride!
"Yeah well. Hopefully we finish this deal fast and then we travel to fucking Mexico for a while and drown ourselves in tequila, chimichangas and tacos" I stood up and took my mask to put in on before going to the window and climbing outside to use the emergency ladder to the roof.
Spiderman and I had been working on uncovering an evil crazy scientist that was abducting people and experimenting on them. We had been on his tail for the good part of the last three months and on that time…well, you should know what happened to me. I already explained in the first paragraphs.
At first I thought that I could handle working with him, after all, he had only looked at me with mistrust and had actually complained to fury when he told him that I was assigned to help him with that case. I wasn't surprised at all by this, we all know that I'm the Merc with the mouth. The one they only get for cases like this. When the maniacs they're after are more likely to shoot before spewing their evil plan -like normal super villains-…so they went to the safest choice, the one that wouldn't die…or that they wouldn't miss in case they got luck and ended up, well, ending me.
And I was okay with that. And also with making kebab with the evil son of a bitch that decided to play with innocent lives only because he was a crazy motherfucker. I was not about to let him go into jail just to escape two months later and continue his work.
"You are scary quiet today." I pressed my jaw before putting on a big smile on my face and turning to see him.
"I may be quiet on the outside but inside I am as talkative as a toddler on sugar high!" I opened my arms. "Spidey baby boy! Time to go finish this up. It's almost seven and I have to be home at eleven for my telenovela reruns." He chuckled.
"Come on." He walked to the edge of the building and signaled me to follow. "Hop on, we'll get there faster if I use my webs."
Yay!
Think about Wolvy, maybe like that you won't pop a boner.
I grinded my teeth before letting out a 'Yay!' and jumping on him. Trying to disguise how pissed off I was about how I felt about being this close to him.
How would he react if he saw that I actually looked like boiled meat under the suit? He had probably gotten glimpses, I was not exactly careful in stopping my suit from being shred to pieces, but the whole picture was something that not even I liked to see.
"Hold on tight!" He chucked and I cursed the day Spiderman went and grow up on me. This manly sexy laugh should belong to the friendly neighbor!
At least when he was young we could control ourselves.
Aha…we felt bad about perving on a fifteen-year-old for about six minutes before we decided it didn't matter because there was nothing we could do about it.
"And now we're more or less the same…but worst." I told them.
"I feel bad about putting my nose in other people's conversations but you are speaking to my ear so…what's up?" He spoke while we did the swing-around-New-York thing.
"The last disappearances weren't abductions." Yay for white box and it's quick thinking!
"Why do you think that?" I closed my eyes committing to memory what it was to feel his body this close to mine.
We are so pathetic it's not even funny.
"There was no signs of struggle and from what I gathered about them…they wanted it."
"Who could want to be experimented on?"
"…me" I felt the instant tightness in his body. Shit!
Are you fucking insane?!
Yes, we clearly are and not just because of the talking boxes.
"…I read your file."
"I don't need your pity." I growled before letting go.
"WADE!" Was what I heard before I saw his web shoot my way. No. I wanted peace. I wanted the bliss that came with dying. I pulled out my katanas and cut away the flow before closing my eyes when my body hit the ground and the blackness surrounded me.
Aaaand we're back online.
That didn't last enough…and this headache's a bitch!
It's not nearly as painful as the last time…we did something wrong.
I think we fell somewhere.
"…bastard. You stupid, stupid man."
Hey we know that voice.
He sounds worried…
Is it just me or we're somewhere soft?
Our bed is not nearly as good as this one.
"…fractured skull and a fuck-ton of bones! Why did you even do that?"
Now he sounds pissed…and I think we know him.
Was Spidey with us?
Oh! Oh! The evil scientist! Wait, why didn't we kill that bastard?
Because we died, duh!
Why did we die? Fuck everything's fuzzy…
He said he read our file.
Well that explains the us-dying part.
"I know you're awake…can you open your eyes?"
We don't want to!
"Come on Wade…I need to see you're okay."
He knows my name.
I felt my fingers twitch at that last thought. He is calling me by my name and he sound genuinely upset. Why? Why would he care if I died? I frowned not being able to get what was happening.
"Oh thank fuck!" I felt something drop on my chest. Something warm and wet? Hating the need to fucking know what was going on, I made myself open my eyes.
"Ugh." I moaned trying to focus my sight.
"Easy…easy." I looked at the white ceiling on top of me. That was not mine.
"Where…where am I?" I tried to sit but a strong grip on my chest prevented me from moving.
"My place." I stopped moving before turning to look at my side.
Oh shit.
It was spiderman…but…but…
"Your mask." I dumbly said seeing the most beautiful pair of brown eyes I had ever seen. They were dark brown, surrounded by a creamy white skin and an unruly mop of hair…did he have to be gorgeous on top of everything?
If there was a God, he really fucking hated me.
"Hey! How are you feeling?" His hand moved to caress my forehead.
My bare forehead.
"No!" I jumped back while my hands touched my face in search of my mask…it was not there.
"It was soaked in blood, so I had to take it off to wash it." He shrugged pointing at the chair nearby
where it looked to be drying. "How are you feeling? Do you have a headache or something? I can give you Tylenol." I opened and closed my mouth…he didn't look bothered by my face.
"You were crying." Was what my mouth decided to say. He looked down while a beautiful blush covered his ears.
"…I was worried." I shrugged. "I intellectually know that it's hard to kill you, but…I-I…" His voice broke before he groaned and put his face in his hands. "Fuck Wade! Why did you do that?"
"Why do you care?" I shook my head before moving to the end of the bed and reached for my mask.
"Please don't." I stopped.
"What?" I didn't dare to turn to him.
"I-I like seeing your eyes."
"What."
"I like seeing you…without the mask." I snorted.
"Good one spidey…"
"Peter…I'm Peter. Peter Parker." I swallowed trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Spiderman didn't do that. Everybody knew how secretive he was with his identity!
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because…I want you to know me." I took a deep breath before turning to look at him. He had a sad smile on his face while his stupid beautiful eyes looked at me like he could read whatever was going on in my head. "Wade…" He moved closer and sat next to me.
I froze.
The numbness was leaving, but I had no idea what was replacing it. I just knew that my lungs felt tight, that my body hurt but not the normal kind of hurt…and my traitorous heat was beating like it couldn't do it fast enough.
His hand moved to touch my cheek.
In my haze I started to recognize some of the feelings that crowded my mind.
I was terrified. Of him, of this fucking guy that seemed indifferent to my fucking joke of a face.
I was sad. Because I was beginning to think that this was a fucking hallucination created by my delirious mind.
He moved forward until his soft cheek was against mine. I shivered when he exhaled right against my neck as his hand caressed my skin. I didn't want to close my eyes, I wanted to continue fooling myself into believing that this was real, that this was not a fucked up dream.
"I want to know more of you." He spoke. "I know enough to see the difference between Deadpool and Wade Wilson. To see who you actually are…outside all the antics and jokes." I moved my hands to grasp his waist when I felt myself tremble at his words.
I was not strong enough to leave. Even if this was a cruel joke, I would take what I got.
"Peter…" I whispered, trying his name for the first time. He moved to hide his face on my neck.
"God, I wished for you to actually say my name for so long…I'm sorry it took for me to see you die to finally have to guts to tell you." He moved back and I had to bite back a pathetic whine…until I saw his eyes look into my lips.
"I'm gross." I felt the need to warn him, even if I didn't move any muscles to put more distance between us.
"No you're not. You have gorgeous eyes and a nice and strong jaw…and I can't think of a single reason to not kiss you." I swallowed seeing him move forward. "Can I…?"
I was excited. Because maybe I could actually get this.
"Ye..." He did.
His lips were soft and quietly demanding. After a couple of seconds where I just sat there, completely stunned. I started moving mine, always fearing that he would turn around and gag at the feel of my skin against his.
That moment didn't come.
He actually moved to straddle me and glue his body to mine before ending the kiss and putting his forehead against mine while he hummed. Like he was happy for being like that.
"I won't tell you that I love you because I know that you won't believe me. But I promise you what I will work on us so when I decide to tell you, you won't have any fucking doubt that my feelings are real."
Happiness.
I was sure I didn't know it. But this mix of feelings told me that I was pretty fucking close to know how it felt.
The end.