At exactly 4:59 pm, Seto shuts down his computer, casts a glance across the already immaculately organized desk, and arranges a few last files. Normally, he wouldn't dream of leaving work at this hour, but today, he has more important things to worry about. Or rather, to be prepared for. Dates are a normal occurrence in people's lives, he certainly won't be worried by such a mundane occasion. He merely likes to take his time to prepare for… unfamiliar challenges.
Yes, let's go with that.
The trouble in this case being that he has no frame of reference for how to be prepared. There are no previous experiences, no questionable lessons from his adoptive father or one of his private teachers to build on. No employees to call in for a briefing and listen to with a bored face that suggests 'I know all this already, I just need to make sure that you imbeciles do, too.' Hell, not even the occasional romantic comedy that Mokuba made him watch during one of their movie nights. For one thing, the kid is much more of an action and animation kind of person. For another, even the few films in this category which they did watch did not cover any dates between perpetual rivals-turned-something-like-friends. Who also happen to be of the same gender. Which may or may not play into how this evening goes. But if one thing is for sure, the standard etiquette of heterosexual dating isn't going to help him much.
In an uncharacteristically evasive gesture, Seto's fingers strum a nervous rhythm on the shiny dark wooden surface of his desk. Then, with a barely audible sigh, his hand shoots forward, reaching for the phone.
It rings three times. Four. Ten.
Damn it, woman, pick up. I don't have all afternoon.
When the phone finally goes to voicemail, he slams it back onto the table with more vigor than strictly necessary, and briefly contemplates just driving home and getting dressed. He has spent time alone with Atem before, he should be able to handle this. But. Just barely making his way through a situation isn't the way Seto Kaiba does things. He comes prepared, he over-delivers, and he leaves his audience in awe. Or occasionally rage. But certainly impressed.
A few sharp taps on his phone screen, and the dial tone is back. This time, it only sounds three times before it is replaced with a groggy voice on the other end.
"What the hell do you want, Kaiba. It's four in the morning, this better be an emergency."
His immediate instinct is to snap a reply. I certainly wouldn't bother to call if it wasn't urgent. But. It's entirely possible that in that case, Mai just wouldn't talk to him at all anymore. She may be among the few people against whom he has little to no leverage. Meaning who couldn't care less if he sets his legal team on them and also probably don't care much if he challenges them to a duel. And while he isn't willing to admit that he would be lost without her advice… her hanging up on him certainly wouldn't help accomplish the goal of this mission.
"I require your assistance," he replies instead, stiffly, but as politely as requests ever get for him.
That must have registered with Mai, because instead of hanging up the phone, he hears her shift and presumably sit up. At any rate, when she speaks again, she sounds slightly more alert. As though she's going to remember at least 50% of this conversation in the morning.
"Right, shoot, but make it quick."
Now for the tricky part. How do you ask for advice without actually… sounding like you need it?
"You've been with a lot of men."
The 'what the fuck', though unspoken, is almost audible.
"Are you telling me you've called in the middle of the night to slut-shame me, Kaiba? Why is this even any of your concern?"
With as much annoyance as any other emotion, Seto registers the beads of sweat forming in his armpits. This is ridiculous. He has withstood significantly more dangerous situations without being visibly nervous.
"It's not. You misunderstand me. I need your advice." Those last four words come out forced, between gritted teeth. "I am going on a date tonight. And I'll need to know what to – what is expected of me."
There's an indistinguishable, strangled sound coming over the line and then a low thud, followed by long seconds of silence. When she finally speaks again, Mai's voice betrays laughter and lack of breath.
"Okay… And I suppose we're looking for something more sophisticated than 'choose a nice restaurant and offer to cover the bill' here?"
Seto doesn't dignify this with an answer, unless you're generous enough to apply the description to his customary 'of course, don't waste my time here' grunt.
"Fine, all right, let's start with… a little wardrobe advice, then. I know you guys like to pretend this is something only women need to worry about, but seriously, if you show up in one of your superhero capes, there is a one hundred percent chance you'll come off as either overcompensating or a self-absorbed dick, and I'm sure you'll want to give your date a proper reason for that impression, at least."
Well, that was uncalled for. But he wouldn't have worn any of his coats, anyway. Probably. It's not like he needs to intimidate Atem. And, to be entirely honest, they aren't very comfortable to wear when you're mostly going to be sitting down.
"Also, don't be too confrontational. Although… achievable goals. Well. Just give her a chance to speak. Ask her something. About herself, or her opinions. Doesn't really matter, as long as you show interest. Nothing worse than a date that talks over you the entire time."
Aha. Here's his advantage back. The best thing in any negotiation is to know something the other person doesn't. Even if, as in this case, the information is entirely useless to them. At least you'll be showing them there might be more they hadn't considered.
"What makes you think I'm going on a date with a woman?"
He may even have considered the rumors about Mai's own… commitment to the other team when he considered calling her. Not that there were that many other people in his pool of possible advisors. Or that he bothers to think about Mai's private life. That would imply some sort of personal relationship with her, and Seto doesn't do personal relationships. Which brings him back to the problem.
"Oh. I guess I just assumed. Wait – who ARE you going out with, anyway? Anyone I know?"
At the question, Seto's spine immediately goes rigid. He'd already been sitting perfectly upright, of course, so this just serves to turn him into an extremely tense, slightly nauseous-looking living statue.
"I don't see why that information would be any of your concern."
But Mai isn't having any of his evasion tactics.
"Well. Then maybe I don't see why I should give you any more pointers."
Damn. He shouldn't call an experienced duelist and then be surprised that his bluffs aren't working.
But the answer to her question is as hard to give as it is straightforward.
"I'm… It is Atem."
He hates the sentence as soon as it is spoken. It's a peculiar mixture of unprofessional and too familiar. Everything he never wants to be. The absence of a last name somehow hangs in the air as if it's its own word, as if he somehow intentionally only said his first name. Because there could only be one.
Which is probably true, but Seto would still have appreciated the detached objectiveness of a family name. Beyond Mutou, which he knows Atem uses for formal purposes, but which sounds artificial, somehow.
"Atem?" It takes a second for the realization to dawn on Mai. "Oh. Oh. Why are you even calling me, then? You'll be fine."
She's chuckling, but to his surprise, Seto realizes that he doesn't really mind. There is nothing he hates more than being made fun of or having people feel superior to him, but somehow… it doesn't seem like that is Mai's intention. Her laugh sounds well-meaning, almost… big-sister-y. Not that he ever thinks of what it would be like to be the younger sibling for a change. Where did that thought even come from?
"You two have tons to talk about. Just don't take everything as a challenge – I know, it's hard for you – just… consider that you don't need to have the upper hand all the time. See where the conversation takes you if you only make it, say, fifty percent about winning."
Well, that makes no sense. Either you win, or you don't. And you don't get to win if you don't give it your all. Unless you have an unworthy opponent, and Seto would never go on a date with someone so far beneath him. But there's no need to explain himself to Mai, so he just sighs impatiently.
"Fine. I'm sure we will be fine with the talking part. What I am calling about is… the other part."
Why must this feel so awkward? Seto gave Mokuba 'the talk', it's not like he isn't capable of discussing kissing and touching and… other things. Which won't happen on this first date, that much is for sure. So he doesn't need to embarrass himself by going there.
It turns out though, that Mai is going to do the embarrassing for him.
"Oh hon, you're adorable." Again with that chuckle. This time, he is much less prepared to accept she means well. "This is your first date? I mean not only with him, this actually is your first date?"
In lieu of an answer, Seto lets out an exasperated sigh he hadn't realized he was holding in. If it wasn't, do you think I'd subject myself to this phone call?
"I was going to suggest to just try and follow his lead, but I'm guessing it's spikey nerd's first date, too. Just take it slow? I know you two always have to show how you have everything figured out, but at this point, you just don't, okay? And there's nothing anyone can tell you that will make you. You'll have to do that on your own. Just… I don't know. If you want to touch him, do so. Watch his reaction. If he pulls back, maybe don't. Personally, I'd save the kissing for the end of the date. That way… you'll have time to process after. Because I can almost guarantee you it won't feel like you think it will. You just can't describe that, or foresee it, so give yourself some time after and next time, you can try again."
Try is not in Seto's vocabulary. And he makes sure to let Mai know about that. But again, she just laughs it off.
"It'll have to be. Unless you're the first person in the world who figures out how to learn dating in the abstract. You'll be fine. Now try not to get too worked up and get your butt in a shower or whatever you think you're doing as preparation. I need to sleep."