This is something that came to me a moonlit night when I was observing the usual shadows in my room that freak me out and listening for weird and strange noises that freak me even more out. It's probably gonna seem funny in some sort of weird way to some people and that's totally understandable.
I do not own Beyblade!
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To Whom It May Concern
Ever had the feeling that you were being watched? That you were constantly being observed by someone or something? Especially when you're in your bed and about to fall asleep?
I've had that feeling for about seven months now and it's really starting to break me down. It's there when I wake up, it's there when I get dressed, it's there when I fix my hair, it's there when I eat breakfast with the others, it's there when we train, it's there when we eat lunch, it's there when we hang out, it's there when we eat dinner, it's there when we go out, it's there when I turn off the light in the room I share with Kai. To sum it up it's everywhere!
I'm going mad! I can't do anything properly anymore. I can't eat, I can't blade, I can't relax, I can't think straight and most of all I can't sleep; at least not until a couple of hours after I've gone to bed, cause then the feeling slowly disappears and lets me have a little peace.
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Here the other day I decided to take it up with Kenny, cause… Well, he ought to know how it feels to be almost scared to death every time something more exciting than watching Tyson eat his fifth cheese cake for dessert happens and how it should be handled. But he just stared at me with his mouth open and made several strange girlish whining noises.
"Rei, you're scaring me," he eventually forced out with a shaky voice. "Who's watching us? And why?"
Then he sort of went into a little world of his own – with Dizzi of course – while continuing his whining.
"Sorry, Chief," I said and hurried out of the room when I realized that I might just have made things worse; for both of us actually.
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Neither did it help talking to Tyson and Max later that same day. I didn't understand much of what Tyson said, cause he had his mouth full of sushi, but I interpreted all his immense arm movements and the weird noises coming out of his mouth as some kind of speech about how I shouldn't be afraid and how nothing was going to happen to me as long as they – meaning himself, Max, Kenny and Kai – were around. That didn't help me much, mostly because I wasn't sure if Tyson was actually saying what I thought he was, but also because those as-long-as-we-stick-together speeches have become nothing but empty words to me. They are all the same. Nobody really listens to the contents of what's said anymore and the whole speech thing is simply just taken for granted.
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I was hoping that Max would be a little more helpful and definitely more understandable.
As I expected he smiled one of those calm smiles of his and patted my shoulder. "Don't worry, Rei," he started. "Nobody's watching us. Nothing's going to happen to you; none of us. Everything's alright." Then he giggled shortly and blinked.
It helped a little, but a part of me found it quite superficial; just another speech, so when I got back to Kai's and my room I was back to where I started.
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Every time I walk back to the room I can't help glancing back over my shoulder to check if someone's following me whether I'm walking alone or with one of the others; it doesn't matter. I usually end up running the last couple of meters and when I'm finally inside the room behind a closed door I lean up against it and listen for footsteps, or just anything. I sigh in relief when I conclude that nothing has followed me, but when I walk further into the room the feeling returns immediately. Then I walk over to Kai's bed.
Kai mostly goes to our room right after dinner and stays there the rest of the evening, so when I retire for the night he's usually asleep. Then I sit down next to his bed and rest my head on the edge. This makes me feel safe for a while. I can feel his heartbeat on the mattress. His heart is beating fast… I suppose he often has nightmares. Then I go to my own bed and hurry underneath the covers.
I can't help looking around when I lie there in the dark. I even sit up and turn to look at the door sometimes; to check if someone's standing in the room without making a single sound or movement, just watching and waiting for the right moment to attack. Sometimes I panic and jump up and switch on the light again. Then I walk around restlessly the whole night like a wild animal in a cage.
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Last Tuesday I accidentally woke up Kai. He just stared at me as if I was a patient, who'd just escaped from the loony bin. I had to tell him then, so I sat down on my bed and began to explain why I was walking back and forth from one end of the room to another.
Kai sat up too and listened patiently to what I had to say. Suddenly he stopped me. "Rei, stop looking everywhere."
"What?" I asked, but realized in that very second that I was glancing at the ceiling, the door, the window, the floor and at every single corner in the room frequently.
"Stop looking at everything in this room."
"Oh, I'm sorry… But I can't help it."
"This is nonsense," Kai said and shook his head. "No one's watching you, Rei, no one's following you and no one's up to get you."
This was exactly what I had expected from him; a fast, clear and precise conclusion of all this. It was cold and not at all friendly or considerately, but somehow it was still comforting and definitely more convincing than anything else I had been told.
"Goodnight, Rei," Kai then sighed and lay down again.
"Goodnight, Kai…" I said and lay down, too. Then I switched off the light and closed my eyes.
The feeling of someone watching was still there, but it was certainly on a decline.
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The reason why I think all this is starting to break me down is because of something that happened yesterday.
I was walking quite fast – to no one's surprise I suppose – down the stairs, but when I got to the bottom and quickly slipped around the corner I almost screamed my lungs out. Around the corner stood Kai. Of course, who wouldn't be scared if they suddenly bumped into a guy like that totally unprepared, but Kai himself wasn't what had almost made me piss my pants. It was his face; it wasn't his.
At where Kai's face should have been I saw the face of everyone and everything I've ever feared just a little bit. Every supernatural killer, every zombie, every alien, every extraordinary creature. I know it sound…well, ridiculous, cause I know none of them are real, only Hollywood-offspring, but still…
I had never been that ready to get down on my knees and beg for my life! And why did Kai reach out his arms towards me at the same time anyway? Hmm… Now, back to the point. If I keep on sensing and hearing, and now also seeing things that aren't there on the faces of those I care about, the people I know, my friends, I'm pretty sure that either I have to cut down on those late night horror movies on TV or I ought to get some professional help for this. I'm a nervous wreck! I think I would have passed out if Kai hadn't immediately grabbed my shoulders and taken me in to his arms and held me tightly. Then I started crying. Not hysterically or anything, but in absolute silence. And that really freaks me out, too! Why did I start crying? Kai eventually asked me that, too, but frankly I had no idea and I still don't.
The only thing that keeps me from panicking and place myself in a corner and start banging my head against the wall right now is the thought of how comforting it was to sleep in Kai's bed last night; next to him. Of course I didn't get much sleep, because of the shock and all the weird thoughts running through my head, but I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all if he hadn't been there right next to me. He does care then, I suppose… About me at least.
I really do hope that he'll let me sleep in his bed till things start to calm down or well…more like till I calm down. Perhaps now Kai's got the picture of how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. He did seem kind of shocked too yesterday, his hands were shaking… Or maybe that was caused by me shaking? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I can't think. I can't tell what's real and what's not. There will always be a "but what if…" after every little speech I get trying to convince me that no one's watching or out to get me.
Although, I think a reason why Kai's speech, or well… I wouldn't really call it that, but anyway I think that what he said had so much more effect than anything else I've been told, cause he practically told me to shut up and stop all the nonsense about things that aren't there, he might as well have said that instead of what he did.
I'm not really sure about what to make of this… Does it mean that the fiercer tone the less I dare not to "obey" it? Is the speech more convincing when it's told in the right tone, at the right time and… by the right person? One would think, and I myself do too, that keeping a thing like this to yourself wouldn't help a bit, the feeling wouldn't go away, it would just get worse. But what if it was actually the other way around? That I eventually would forget about the whole thing, cause I was "too scared" to even mention it, and then had to think of other things to talk about? I don't know.
I think I'll try to get some sleep. Everyone's still awake and all active and it's not dark outside yet. I'll fall asleep in Kai's bed just in case he doesn't want me sleeping in his bed again. He probably won't bother moving me to my own bed at that time, he'll be too indolent… I hope.