Full of Grace
Nick always did what was right when it came to other people but when it came to him he didn't have the courage.
Nick's POV during What Would Happen
Lyrics from 'Full of Grace' as sung by Sarah McLachlan
CSICSICSICSICSICSICSICSICSICSICSICSI
the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
I claw back from my nightmares, the darkness wrapping tighter and tighter around me as the lights dim.
My only connection to the outside world was my certain death, I still toss and turn unable to sleep without the light on but fearing what would happen if it was on.
That's when I realised that this was the real me, the one that feared the outside world but needed so much to be apart of it. When the suffocation of my apartment became too much I escaped, not looking for anywhere or anyone in practical but just needed to be somewhere else.
I drifted for the first few hours, allowing the last of the man I was pretending to be at the lab to fade away from me… at least for tonight. I didn't and couldn't be that man who pretended everything would be ok.
Deep down the real me knew that nothing would be ok anymore, I should have died that night but I didn't, so when I emerged from that coffin I knew that the old me was buried there still while the real me was trying to his way in the world.
It scared me at first, knowing I was going to have to pretend to be someone else… knowing that I had lost my home that night as the real me came back.
I was sinking fast but I couldn't grab anything to cling to… that was what was driving me the night my real self escaped like a baying animal.
I was being pulled down so fast that I was blinded until I saw the light for the club, I was drawn to it before I even knew what had happened.
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
I didn't even bother to show any interest in the swaying bodies around me, I just needed to feel… anything that wasn't the darkness or the fear.
The song switches but none of the swaying dancers seem to notice, their ritual to entice their mates for the night.
But I sensed her before I saw her… I don't know how but I did and when I saw her moving to the music with such freedom that I knew she wasn't the woman I had left at the lab hours ago.
She was different… she was real and I know that when she saw me she saw the fear that had been haunting me for so long now and the lust at knowing I wasn't the only one who hid the real person in side.
I quickly make my way to her, knowing that I couldn't leave without feeling her against me. I didn't even have to ask or prove who I was as my hands slipped across her hips dragging her to me.
The strength and courage of the real me had made sure that this unspoken language of ours was strong enough.
I loved her… I always had but the pretence I kept up at the lab would make sure she never knew. I only wish that the fear of being the real me to let the world in once more didn't stop me from proving that I could love her more then just this.
so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
Our personal language made quick work of any thoughts of backing away from this, they way we moved, her hands on me while my hands travelled places I only dreamed of.
We had this chance so many years ago, just to be like we were but we knew that it was better to keep it hidden and just move on despite how hurtful it truly was.
Our playful flirting our easy words were just kept there to make sure we knew never to cross that line.
But it wasn't true here… this place we were allowed to be ourselves our real selves, as the song continued I knew that the real me would always demand the taste of her.
I spin her and even as I crash my lips against hers I know we had crossed a line… and we didn't care.
We tumbled into my bed… our hands and kisses growing more demanding as the fire built inside of us. Our gasps were lost and I felt the need grow within me… along with the lust and fear.
She fell asleep in my arms, when she woke I made sure that the pretence was back… but the truth was I watched her sleep all night.
As she crept out I knew we had both been pretending for far too long to allow the real people inside out. We were stuck with the characters we had created and it had left us drained.
I find her in the lab, working away… the real man inside yearns to be released from me, to meld with her once more. I feel the fear and lust grow within me when she sees me… but the rest is just a pretence, our perfect act that we had crafted so many years ago.
I walk away leaving the yearning baying at it's cages as I return my case… the act was needed here and I needed to act that ever thing would be ok.
During our break I struggle to maintain the act as the others chat with such ease, I wonder if they pretended as well… of course they did but they hadn't been broken… they hadn't left any part of themselves buried in the ground.
She enters and the pretence gets harder… she had seen the real me just like I had seen the real her.
I try to reach out with our unspoken words but it's hard because of the acting I had to keep up for those around us. But one touch was enough to remind me that the real us was still there, just beneath the surface ready to spring forward.
Grissom arrives and I know he sees through it all… the act the pretending the false words of assurance. He sees the fire and though he may not see the real us he knew it was there.
I turn my glare away from him, the real me had seen something he had never seen in her and it had laid claim to it. Grissom had no right to her anymore and the pretending was just to make sure everything might stay the same… because of course no matter how hard we pretend we had crossed a line that maybe we shouldn't have but needed too.
if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
I left the lab with no intention of returning to her… the real me had escaped once but I couldn't let out again… oh how I wish I could keep it locked up again but the truth was the strength I needed to do that was buried the night I nearly died.
I was barely keeping my act at the lab together but when the darkness came as I returned home, alone with no one to pretend for the real me clawed to escape and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
I wanted the courage to say I had wanted to talk to her as my old self but the truth was I yearned for the realness we had discovered that night we tumbled and I needed the fear and the lust she brought out in me more then anything.
"Nick" her whispered word only helped release the real me, I could see the real her in her eyes and knew that alone away from the world we could have that… those hours of peace without pretending.
In that moment I needed her more then anything else… I needed to feel her because she was the first thing I ever felt as the real me.
"Sara" the fear, the lust and most of all the need had drained away that man I pretended to be and soon the real me took over as my lips crashed down on hers once more.
We tumbled once more, retracing where our hands and kisses had led us that other night the fire boiling our blood as it rose from it's depths.
I know she understands why this happened… she knew I was broken just like her. Our shells had been broken as we became victims but we still pulled those shells back together for others.
But until the new day came we could lay there broken and free… knowing we had each other.
We pulled the shells back together each day at the lab, pretending to be the people we had to be. But I knew when I see her that each night after our shift I would let the shell break open and I would stay with her.
Grissom would look at her as though trying to prove a point… but it didn't matter because it was useless trying to prove something to people who only existed in the world of CSI.
The truths we listened to at the labs were forgotten when we found each other alone in our world.
The old Nick Stokes had been buried that night and was completely saved… but this new me, the one that held fear, lust and need was something only she wanted and I could only wish to have the courage, the strength and the grace to assure her she didn't have to pull those shells back together anymore… we could be broken.
But I had none of that…that had been robbed from me… stolen that night.
I never had the courage to stop her from wishing… for wondering what would happen if we didn't.
Because I at least had enough courage, strength and grace to wish for that myself.
The end
This is Nick's thoughts on the events during 'What would happen' I searched high and low for a song for him and this is the best I could come with.