WARNING: In the process of writing this as a fill for the Mass Effect Kink Meme so there are naughty bits!

This is my first Shoker and it's taken on a mind of its own so I have no idea where it will end. Hope Shoker fans enjoy!

In all her time serving with the Alliance, it was inevitable that Shepard would eventually find herself in the company of a few swaggering rookies. They would strut and preen and try to tell her stories of how they had almost died on this mission or had single-handedly won another – vying relentlessly for her attention long enough to get her into their bunk for the night. But like any good Alliance soldier, Shepard was not one to be swayed by pretty, flexing things, and found great pleasure in informing them that she had been five ranks above them by the time she was twenty. Some squirmed away out of fear of being discharged for harassing a superior, while others skulked out of her sight merely due to marred pride. Then, there was the occasional, puffed up subordinate that was undeterred by either of the prior reasons, and thought it would be a lovely notch in their belt to say they'd banged their Commander.

They usually left on a stretcher.

Shepard had always assumed that when you were involved in a war that it should be your primary objective, no distractions. She supposed she could understand Garrus' point of view on the whole thing, using sex as a stress reliever, but it didn't sound like the Turian males were half as irritating about it. Everything was much more straight-forward and to the point – much like she preferred it. Not to say that any of the dipshits that had approached her would have done much better saying 'Hello, Shepard, let's go fuck in the hanger'.

No. That one ended up the infirmary for three weeks.

Funny thing was she never received any complaints from the board about her violent behavior towards the other soldiers. None of them filed a thing.

It had been a few years since all that, though. She'd earned a reputation and it cleared the way of any more of that nonsense. It only amused her when Joker began making the same old tired claims she had heard long ago. Somehow, it suited him, and it didn't bother her in the slightest that he swore he could make any lady swoon. Maybe it was because it wasn't directed at her this time.

"Seriously."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. See? This is my serious face," Joker stared up at her with his jaw set firm.

"So, how many dates have you had?"

"Well, plenty! Of course, I...haven't had the time to work my charms lately – being the best pilot in the known galaxy puts you very high in demand."

"Uh-huh," Shepard said with a wry grin.

"Oh, right. Yuk it up, Commander. What's the last date you ever had?" he said, sinking in his chair a little sourly. Shepard's smile waned at the question and she brought her hand up as she cleared her throat so he might not see the change. Joker was not so easily fooled. "Oh, come on. Really?"

"Like you said. I don't have time...or interest," she murmured the last part as she folded her hands behind her back and straightened her posture.

"Uh... Commander, you do realize like half the crew would jump if you just asked."

"I'm not keen on using my position to -"

"Not what I meant. What I'm saying is there are plenty of choices here. How can you possibly have 'no interest'?" She couldn't believe he had just air-quoted her knowing how much she hated the gesture since the Turian Councilor done it. But it was Joker and he was more than likely just trying to ruffle her feathers on purpose.

"I just don't," she replied. "We have more important things to be concerned about. The Reapers are trying to destroy the galaxy – not exactly the ideal time for a budding romance."

"It's the best time," Joker argued. "Imminent danger, saving each other from certain doom, crazy spur-of-the-moment passion?" Shepard crossed her arms now and regarded him with a crooked expression.

"I had no idea you were into that sort of thing."

"I told you – I'm a romantic. Especially if said romance involves epic space battles."

"Sounds like you've been watching too many action vids to me," she replied with a small, breathy laugh.

"It happens when you're stuck in a bed for most of your childhood. But my heroic back-story aside, I think you would be perfectly interested if you met the right person."

"Didn't know you were a pilot and a psychoanalyst, Joker."

"I may not be a people person, but I know people."

"Alright – if you're so smart - who is my Mister Right?" Shepard could barely contain the grin when she found her question brought Joker's ever-ready responses to a halt. He hadn't been expecting her to ask him that, and she watched his eyes dart off to the side as she waited for an answer.

"Finding a perfect match to one's personality and biological makeup is extremely unlikely, although an agreeable partnership is much more plausible. Examining the Commander's profile suggests that she would enjoy the company of a fellow human with whom she has frequently worked and survived many hardships. These mutual, life-changing experiences would allow a beneficial relationship for both parties."

Joker stared hard at EDI's sphere, and for a moment Shepard thought he might be sweating. She may have prodded him about his silence had she not been locked in thought about EDI's recommendation. The quiet continued for only a few more heartbeats before EDI added:

"It would seem that Jeff fits-"

"PERFECTLY IN THIS CHAIR!" Joker exclaimed. "Have I mentioned how comfortable it is? Leather seats – real leather!"

"Yes, you've mentioned," Shepard quipped.

"As I was saying," he huffed, avoiding her gaze as he went back to tapping at the controls before him. "Considering the galaxy is at stake I completely understand throwing yourself into work and all, but that doesn't mean you should completely ignore other things. You'll miss out... I know I have."

"Sounds like you're speaking from experience," she said softly, noticing the regretful lilt to his voice.
He glanced up at her and gave a mild shrug before turning back to his work.

"Maybe." Shepard paused, feeling a little guilty for his seeming discomfort with her remark. She gnawed on her lower lip briefly before she leaned down by him with her hand on the back of his chair.

"Well, if you're really the biggest ladies' man in the 'verse then you should be perfect to show me just what I'm missing, right?" she teased. When he looked over at her and she watched his mouth curl into a mischievous grin, she knew she had pulled him out of the somber mood. She kept her own expression challenging and playful, though there was something about the way his eyebrow quirked that made her feel a twinge of unfamiliar nervousness.

"That's dangerous territory, Commander. Not sure you could handle it."

"Pft, whatever." She pushed back up to her full height, hands resting at her hips. "You can talk the talk but meet me in my quarters later and we'll see if you can wa-... You know what I mean." Having completely flubbed her exiting remark, Shepard turned swiftly to go. Joker watched her as much as he was able before his neck refused to give any further. Turning back around her glared at EDI.

"Don't ever do that again."

"You were fumbling, Mr. Moreau. The conversation needed to be redirected or the outcome would not result as desired."

"We made an agreement. You stay out of my personal files and I stop making you spontaneously break out into show tunes."

"Your assumption is incorrect, Jeff. I did not need to reference your files to come to my conclusion. Your attraction to the Commander is easily evidenced in your elevated temperature and heart rate whenever she is present in the cockpit."

"Would you just – shush!" Joker hissed as if he was afraid someone might be listening in.

"Juvenile behavior is also a common result."

"You're juvenile," he muttered under his breath. EDI fell silent and Joker suspected if she had eyes she would have been rolling them at him.

"I am taking over the Normandy's controls now, Jeff." He hated when she said his name like that, with a tone of finality that said that their current discussion had just ended. Despite being an AI she really managed to sound like a typical human female when it came to winning arguments: 'I won, you lost, accept it. No, by the way, there are no do-overs.'

Joker let out a deep breath, knowing that EDI would not unlock the controls until she saw fit. He had the choice of either sitting completely useless in his chair or taking the Commander up on her challenge. There was no contest, really. As he hoisted himself carefully out of the pilot's chair, he decided there was one place he needed to go before he ventured into the unknown that was the Commander's quarters.

Shepard idly filed through emails and reports on the computer in her cabin. She had buried herself in her work the moment she returned, ignoring the fact that her conversation with a certain pilot had become thoroughly distracting. She couldn't believe she had actually told him to come up to her cabin, much less in order to prove his prowess as a supposed heart breaker. He probably took it as a joke, right? He couldn't have possibly taken her seriously. It was Joker, after all. Right...?

Her eyes lifted to survey the room and she felt a twinge of panic. She never expected company and the entire room was a disaster. There were datapads and papers scattered all over the desk, unorganized but everything where she could easily find it. Her blankets and pillows were still slung across the bed where she had left them about fifteen hours prior. There was even the wayward pair of underclothes laying at the foot of the step.

Instinctively, she lurched to her feet and began a frenzied attempt to pick up the room. He wasn't coming - he wasn't! But she wasn't about to take that chance! She was fighting with the covers on her bed, trying to get them even and flat when she cursed herself. Why was she acting so terribly unprofessional? If Joker did show up all she had to do was tell him it was a huge misunderstanding and she had merely been joking with him the whole time. The thought led to a memory of Joker's saddened expression from their conversation before. Could she really do that to him? Disappoint him? She planted her face into the mattress and kicked her feet in agitation.

"Get a grip," she muffled into the bed before lifting her head again. All she had to do was think about this logically. In the event Joker arrived at her door she had two choices: turn him away or invite him in. Well, technically she had already invited him so it would be rude to change her mind now. So he would come in and start laying down those cheesy lines just like all the marines. She would laugh and pat him on the back and say 'Well, guess your charms just don't work on me!', and that would be that. Yes, that would be that.

But as a good soldier she should be prepared for the unexpected. What if he tried to make a move on her? Her fingertips wadded the blanket into their grip. Well, if that happened she would just stop him and tell him how unprofessional it would be to do such a thing. But, then again, what if she indulged him...just a little bit?

'That's dangerous territory, Commander...' Shepard felt a chill run through her spine as Joker's cocky smirk flickered into her memory. No... No, it would just be best to not let this get out of hand.

"Commander Shepard," EDI's voice cut through her mental berating.

"No! Yes! I mean...What?" she declared, leaping to her feet again.

"Mr. Moreau is requesting entry into your quarters. What is your response?" Shepard shoved the wayward hair out of her face, raking her fingers through it, before tossing the bedding into place and shoving the laundry out of sight.

"Just...one moment!"

"What's she doing?"

"That would be a breach of privacy, Jeff."

"Fine." Joker huffed a breath and let his eyes wander to the bare walls and ceiling before adding, "What's she wearing?"

"Denied." There was that tone again.

"You're such a party pooper."

It didn't take much longer before the door finally opened with Shepard there to greet him. Unfortunately, she was not dressed in the lingerie she was so often wearing in his fantasies, but she looked damn good in anything she wore.

"Hello, Joker," she said, seeming to have a hard time looking him in the eye.

"Am I too early? We didn't exactly set a time or anything."

"No, it's fine. It's just that I...," she paused, unable to ignore it any longer. "What is that?"

"Oh," Joker said with a wry grin. "Like the awesome date I am, I came prepared."