White. All I've ever known is white. Soft, shining, menacing white walls everywhere. They're going to close in on me. Get closer and closer until I suffocate from this horrible lack of color. It's even there when I close my eyes, this blinding, horrible white. It's on my skin, my clothes, my hair. Maybe my eyes. I wouldn't know. I haven't seen my eyes in months. What color did they used to be? I don't remember the name of it. The color of nature, I think. Of the leaves and shining gemstones. What was that color again?
I hear a noise and jump up in terror. I hide in the corner trying to blend in with the rest of the white, close my eyes just in case they still have color. Maybe they won't notice me.
Another noise, louder than the first. Like something slamming against something else. I whimper. Have they come back for me? Are they going to make me speak? Read their little cards and take their tests? I won't! I won't!
"No, Jessie, you can't go in there!" said a deep voice. Familiar. I know it. But who does it belong to? Does he have a name?? And he called someone Jessie. That's mine, right? Or it was. I think. I can't remember. But I know the name. It should be mine. I want it. I should have a name, right? My name...
"I'll go wherever I damn want to! I-" The other voice stops. It's female. It's mine. My name, my voice. I'm afraid to see if she has my face. "Is that me?"\par "Ten years into the future," he answers softly, and I can't help but whimper again. What's going on? Why am I over there? This never happened, did it? But maybe...
Flashbacks in time. Shining metal creatures. Hot blades. Questions. Threats. Pain. Oh, the pain. I cry out from it both now and then. I was so hurt, so burned, so hurt...
"But... that can't be me. Look at her. Her- her hair's white. She's..."
"You." A pause. The girl is looking at me now. I feel it. I know it. Maybe I remember it. "You looked into the heart of the TARDIS. I was too late to save your mind. But ther you are, ready to become someone new. Or yourself again. I don't know. But you haven't spoken in months."
Bright light. The White started then, with that light. Shining so beautiful and terrible. It was in me. It was me. I was dying, I was...
I look up at the man. Color! Hair and eyes like chocolate. Oh, chocolate, I remember that? I could taste it! I think I think I taste it now. Creamy and soft and... yes, I remember it! I gasp lightly, unable to beleive it. Feelings, feelings... what feelings?
He continues to explain. "You saved the world though, Jessie McCain. God, you were brave. You saw the heart of the TARDIS, and you saved the world again. It was you. And the Cybermen, they're gone for good."
Cybermen! I know that word! But I've been calling it Fear. Fear and Fear and Fear...
"But Doctor, why am I like that? Why am I so scared? And why am I muttering? Why has my hair turned white?" She feels the fear now too. I hear it. I remember it. She fears me. "Oh, God, her eyes..."
"Nobody's supposed to look into the heart of the TARDIS," he told her. He's meeting my eyes. Nobody ever meets my eyes now. But he is. This wonderful man with the chocolate eyes. "It started eating away at you. You lost your color because it was pulled out, like a sponge pulling water. And the power drove you mad. It's been months since you've spoken a word to anyone."
"But this doesn't have to happen, right? I can change it. I can refuse to look. It wouldn't be like this, would it? I'd be normal."
Oh, I tried! I did everything I could, but the world was ending! The Doctor was dying! Mom, Dad, brothers, everyone... I had to help...
"Yes, you can." Such a sad voice. I see it in his eyes, that sadness. I feel it, distantly. Off in some other place where I feel things like before, the Sadness is there.
I'm smart next, aren't I? I think I remember this part now. The perfect clarity. The knowledge of what I'd do. Saving the world. Saving everything. Me. "But I won't, will I? I'll do it anyway."
"Yeah, you will." The girl steps closer, and I finally look to her. Oh, me! Dark blonde hair, green eyes, - yes, that was the color, green! - colorful clothes. No white. None. Oh, that color, that blinding, beautiful color! "Don't touch," he warned. "You'll create a paradox."
"I won't. I just want to look." And the girl named Jessie comes down closer to me, kneeling in front. I push myself closer to the wall. Paradox. Paradox. That's bad. Don't touch.
Suddenly, I see myself as she does. I remember, I think. Pale, like a terrified, scrawny little ghost, backed against this white wall like I'm going to go through it, but I can't. I can't. It's so solid, and I'm not a ghost, am I? Not a ghost. My vision blurs, and I feel moisture running down my cheeks at the thought, the memory. I'm so scared. Or she is. Or both. We're one person, aren't we?
I begin to sob, just sob and sob and sob. Little sounds are coming out of me, telling them I'm scared, and I'm sad and lonely and confused. I want them to help me. Save me. Please save me. I don't know who I am anymore.
"Hey..." she says softly to me. I look to her through the tears, my eyes wide and my body tense. "Hey, it's okay. You saved people." Her eyes are watering now as well. I can't see it, but I remember. She thinks I don't know who she is. But I recognize myself. I know myself. "You're a hero now, you know that? You saved the world." She's speaking through her own tears now, comforting me. I suddenly want to touch her, to feel skin that's not ghostly pale and cold, to be held.
Slowly, my tears and sobs stop, and I blink the water out of my eyes to see her clearly. I'm huggingmy own knees now, I think. I can't hug her. I can't touch her. Paradox. Paradox. "Was it worth it, at least? To save the world, was it worth it?"
I open my mouth. Speak! Words! But they don't come. I can't talk to people anymore. After a moment of trying, a gasp comes from my mouth, and I whimper and pull at my hair in frustration. Speak, speak...
"Come on, it's okay. You don't have to talk." She gets closer now, trying to meet my ivory eyes. "Just tell me. Was it worth it to save them? Was it? Jessie?"
My eyes grow wide. Jessie! My name. I'm Jessie, and I... I saved the world. The universe, maybe. I defeated Fear even when the Doctor said not to. Because it was right. I did that. Slowly, I nod my head to her.
Oh, God, I'm miserable.
She - the past me - nods and backs up, standing with the Doctor again. I see her hugging him tightly, crying into his coat. She's scared of being me. I dimly remember that. Fear of what's going to come to her. To be me. I bury my face in my knees and let more tears fall. I shouldn't even be me. I shouldn't... and where's the Doctor? Gone all these months, gone... he promised he'd come back. Where is he? Because the one here isn't mine. I need my Doctor. Need him!
"Can't you help?" the other me asks the Time Lord. Her voice is muffled, but I don't know id her tears or mine muffle it. Maybe it's the white in the room. That suffocates anybody. "Can't you fix me?"
"No. Not now," he answered, and my heart is ripped to peices. I think I can see it, feel it. Pain and fear and loneliness. Doctor, save me! Oh, I can't breathe, can't ssee, feel pain through my heart and soul. He has to save me! He has to fix me! Doctor! Doctor!
"What's happening to her?" past me asks, but the Doctor can't answer. People are rushing into the room now, holding me back. Can't breathe. Not the needle! Not the needle!
"D- D-" I can't say it. Doctor!
But the Doctor is already gone.
More white and more white and more white. But I still remember the chocolate in the eyes of my Doctor. I close my eyes again, but he's all I see. Oh, I hate him. I hate him. He left me. I want to kill him.
God, I want to kiss him.
A noise again! That noise! Someone's coming! But I've given up. Take me. Kill me. I don't want to see white anymore. So alone...
My eyes are wet again behind their lids. Scared, still scared. Make it end, make it over! I whimper. Why don't they just do it? I'm dead, I'm a ghost. Why am I here?
"Jessie..."
Doctor.
I'm crying harder, making little noises that are like sobs, but I don't move. Doctor, Doctor, you're not real. You're not there.
I feel him kneel next to me. But no, he's not there, not there. Not even when he pulls me close in his arms and hugs me tight, and I cry into his brown pinstriped suit he always wears. I know it's that one. I feel it. I smell his scent. His arms are holding me, and I cry and cry and cry.
"Not real," I choke out hoarsely. "Not real, not you."
"I'm here, Jessie. It's the Doctor. I said I wouldn't leave you."
"Lies..." Even as I cling to him, I know he's lying. He left, he did! But I can't look at him. No. What if he's not real? Don't disappear.
"I won't leave again. I'm going to take care of you."
I shake my head in his chest violently. Liar. He'll leave me! He did.
"There were things I had to do," he explained. "It wasn't all done. I came as soon as he could... Jessie? Jessie, look at me!"\par I shake my head again. Don't look, don't look. Not real!
"I am real."
A sob again. No, can't be, can't be.
"Listen, I'm going to fix you, okay? You have to trust me."
Trust, trust... trust the Doctor. Love the Doctor.
I feel his hands on the sides of my face. So warm. So soft. Going to hurt me! Going to look into me! I try to pull away, but I'm weak, too weak! And he holds firm.
"Listen to me, Jessie, I'm going to help you!" Trust me."
Slowly, I relax. Trust him, trust the Doctor. He'll save me.
Cybermen coming. Big metal bodies. They want my brain. My mind? It's gone. Wasn't though. Now gone. I was fighting and fighting. There was pain...
"Ah!" I grab onto the Doctor's arms, holding tightly. Scared, scared, stop... I'm pleading to him to stop.
"It's okay, it's okay. This will pass." I whimper.
Running through the corridor. One way to save them. I did, I did! And the light was going through me, and it was me, and it was leaving and fixing things...
"No!" the Doctor yelled. He'd said not to do it. I didn't listen. I never listened.
Oh, shit, that power. It hurt. I feel it again now. So sharp. Doctor, help me!
Something fixing, something mending. Flashes of life and love and everything in between. Happiness? No, that wasn't real. Nothing was.
"It was real. It was so real, Jessie."
I feel his breath on my face. So close. My breathing quickens again. So many images! And the colors and sounds! I want to tell him. I want to, and I want to be okay, and I want to go back to the TARDIS and see the stars again! Something beautiful. Show me something beautiful!
On the ground, in some distand galaxy, but oh, is it perfect... Gardens all around, stars and meteors in the sky. So exotic, so beautiful. The Doctor next to me, our sides touching. He's holding my hand. I feel- oh, God...
My breathing's relaxed now. I'm in the arms of my Doctor. He's really here. He cares. I feel that. It's coming from him, from his mind to mine. How soothing. How perfectly beautiful. Before I've thought about it, I'm speaking. In a feeble voice, I'm saying, "I love you."
My eyes open, and so do his. I feel mine are green again now. And his are brown. Chocolate. Just like always. And he smiles, and he says, "I love you too."
And the Doctor doesn't disappear.