Hello World! Here is my first attempt at a "short story." As you can all see I am pretty much going to fail… I told my roommate that I was "writing a story where Tony Stark goes to buy art supplies and gets Chinese food. It's going to be about 20 pages." She was like… "you said two pages right?"
This story is dedicated to seanchai and elspethdixon for their amazing story "Resurrection, Reconstruction, and Redemption," (on for getting me OBSESSED with the Steve/Tony pairing and for letting me play in their sandbox! (they said I could—just read the last chapter of RR&R::smiles manically:: )
xoxo
Resurrection Art
The numbing chatter of a hundred people speaking all at once, barking orders, sifting through Intel, spurts of static and talking heads from news stations around the world, as well as live data feeds and translation software working overtime; It was… difficult (if one wanted to be laconic) to process that jungle of information and make sure it all ended up where it was meant to be. The last thing SHEILD and its operatives needed was to show up at a designated safe point to discover it was a Starbucks.
Tony needed to stop thinking about coffee…
Something tugged at his consciousness. It was trying to convince him to come back to his real surroundings. His waking life.
But that transition was always challenging… and recently a bit painful.
Tapping into the Extremis and letting his mind process and organize the communications network, Tony had discovered, was pure torment until he let his consciousness wander out far enough to no longer feel his body.
Reigning himself in was even more painful and then he was left with an exhausted body, a headache that was steadily getting worse, and bones that felt like they'd been set on ice.
And Steve… he was also left with Steve.
Unfortunately what was tugging at his physical body now wasn't as comforting as Captain America's warm presence to stop his shivers before they started.
Tony slowly collected himself back into his body. His first sensation was a drop in temperature that made him want to recoil back into his mind, but the incessant shivering and constant dripping noises in the back of his brain wouldn't let him retreat any longer. He finally was cognizant to his surroundings, the Extremis data folding neatly into the back of his mind.
He was in the shower of a random hotel room. It had only been four days since everyone had been set out into the field. He still couldn't quite get used to so much information being filtered through his head, though he thought he was pretty good at faking it. The water in the showerhead, Tony could only assume, had long since turned to ice.
The last thing he could clearly remember had been Steve solemnly pushing him towards the shower after Tony had stubbornly refused to make an appearance at any store that had "mart" in its name.
The real reason had been that the bigger the crowd the more the electronics, and the more the electronics, the harder it was to concentrate and act like a coherent and functioning member of society. Tony would rather go someplace small with less people than make Steve guide him around like a lost puppy so he could immerse in the data streams. It was bad enough that's what he had to do when they traveled from safehouse to safehouse.
Passing out in a tub and laying in water until it turns cold means that you're clean, right?
Tony sighed and pulled himself up from the tub floor, shutting off the water as his vision danced with little spots telling him he should have gotten up slower. His body started to shiver more violently and he searched for a towel with one hand, his other wiping the hair out of his eyes. His vision ached like he had just woken up, even though he'd been awake for at least twelve hours.
He gazed hazily around the bathroom and found a neat pile of clothes to change into on top of the closed toilet seat lid, rolled up army-style. Steve had left them there for him. Tony found himself grinning and paused before he made his way over to the clothes and began working on toweling off and getting dressed.
He was just finished with zipping up his jeans when a data stream stole his attention away from waking life again.
/Director Stark? Unit four reporting in. Things are ready for the Parkers to be informed of safehouse location 240. /
/10-4/ Tony replied, shutting down that data stream and redirecting the frequency of the Extremis to pick up on the Avengers comlink Peter had been hesitant about wearing. Luke and Danny Rand had already been given the coordinates separately and had arrived there at different times to keep up appearances. The same had to be for Peter and MJ. No good in Doom's robots or Mandarin's lackeys figuring out where a whole slew of superpower was before anything had been resolved.
/Pe--- Spider-Man…/ Tony started. /Issue twelve. Turnip alpha three. Seven seven four. / Tony stated the encrypted data that Peter knew to translate into the coordinates for the safehouse.
/Hmm./ He heard Peter respond.
/Do you remember wha--/ Tony began, hearing the hesitation in Peter's voice.
/No./ Peter said hastily.
/Turnip means downt--/
/Yeah, ok got it. / Peter said hastily again.
/Good. / He shut down the feed.
Tony tried to smile but he couldn't quite do it. He had to admit that it felt good to be needed even if he wasn't liked, and even if it was only temporary. It was a simple feeling, one he'd never admit to out loud or confess to anyone, but he felt it nonetheless. His thoughts of Peter aside, he hated the idea of burdening Steve with all of this, even if the man had practically stamped his foot down and spat death glares at Nick Fury to get the job.
He remembered the days before Steve's return when all he'd been running on was a dead man's memory and spite. He hadn't allowed himself to stop or break-down because that would have belittled Captain America's death… and Steve Rogers' life.
After all of Tony's plans and secrets and looking at the "big picture" during Civil War he had completely ignored and seemingly destroyed any friendships and loyalties he'd once have done anything for.
He wasn't sure how long he would have gone down that path if it hadn't been for Steve's death. How far he would have gone for "his future" to come into being?
If Steve wasn't in the world, then what was the point?
It wasn't worth it.
Tony wasn't sure how long he could have survived if Steve hadn't come back. He'd never tell the man that of course. There was so much that he could never say to Steve. Things he'd never burden that charmingly innocent face with. Those blue eyes…
Even with their relationship being new, it didn't mean that Tony could be. His feelings were tired and cynical now. He couldn't help the way he thought. It was like his mind was always trying to find pieces to a puzzle that Tony didn't want to solve. Calculating and distant. He wasn't sure if it would even be responsible for him to really be together with Steve.
The second that Tony had realized Steve was really truly back and that they might be able to have a future… after his melt-down where no thoughts were possible… he'd realized that his distant and calculating self had to go away. Steve had to be the only thing that truly mattered.
It would be too damaging to Steve if Tony continued down the path that had led them all here. What would it do to Captain America to know his boyfriend wasn't sure he even had emotions anymore? It was like falling in love with someone and later learning they were evil. What did that make you?
Tony tried not to think about another tall blond he'd once had a crush on…
Ty would never change. What made Tony think he could? Too much time with Tony and what would happen to Steve?
Just what America needs… an incensed, distant, and self-loathing Cap.
That's how he had acted throughout the entire Civil War too… How much of that was your fault?
Tony shook his head from such thoughts, a motion that made his head swim. He imagined all of the news reporters broadcasting inside of his head being shuffled around like there was an earthquake and actually did manage a smile. He moved to find the deodorant and wherever his shirt had run off to.
Steve was acting like the old Steve again and Tony had had his wake up call. It had been even more painful than his moment of clarity after hitting rock bottom on an alcohol binge so long ago. Steve had known to keep his distance then. What had really changed?
Didn't he realize Tony was just damaged goods?
A chill went down Tony's spine as he once again thought that Steve's affection might only be temporary. Tony was his oldest friend. Of course he'd want comfort from him after his own death… Even if Steve's old friend was distorted beyond sensible recognition, Tony was still the embodiment of the old Avengers and all that had been comforting to Steve in the first days after he'd come out of the ice. Of course he'd want to be close to that until he acclimated himself to his surroundings again.
These were the thoughts that had plagued Tony as of late. He thought them as he was immersed in the Extremis data. While Steve was breathing deeply next to him and the only thing keeping Tony grounded was the fact that the man might need him if he woke up again from some undeserved nightmare.
But Tony considered himself to be a person of reasonable intelligence… He realized that he didn't deserve Steve. Tony was historically weak. Weak body, weak heart, weak mind, weak will power…
Was giving into this relationship just another weak move? Was leaning on Steve too much going to prevent him from being able to move on once he realized that he was just fine being alive again?
Tony shook his calculating, worrying thoughts from his mind. He wasn't going to over think things anymore remember?
Just let it go Stark. This may not last much longer but at least it's here now.
And Tony was going to take advantage of it. He'd never push Steve for more than he was willing to give, but Tony knew that Captain America was good for him. Things could never go back to the way they were before. Back when the Avengers were in the mansion and Steve would blush when he couldn't figure out the TV remote or when he would look at Tony dumbstruck at the fact that Google was now a verb. But if Tony couldn't be with Steve, he'd at least make him proud.
Being around Steve Rogers was like being around the sun… which was good yet also painful. He felt warmer, stronger, more capable around Steve. Like all of that optimism and good-heartedness would rub off on Tony and he might actually be able to make it through another day. That he might actually be as strong as Steve always told him he was.
It was painful too. Like the sun, there was no place to hide around Steve and all of his failures and mistakes became glaringly obvious.
Exposed and blinded by the light for everyone to see. For Steve to see…
It was enough to make him drink.
The pain that Tony felt about this was the only thing making him think that this relationship wasn't just weakness. At least with the alcohol everything went away. Steve made Tony remember everything… and want to.
Steve made Tony want to feel deeply again. He'd been robotTony for a while there, too tired to emote let alone do anything else.
--
He finally found the light tan shirt Steve had left him and as he slipped it on, Tony caught his reflection in the mirror.
It glared back at him with dark blood-shot eyes and a five o'clock shadow that looked more like nine o'clock. The color of his skin was pale except for under his eyes. He looked like he'd been punched in the face by an angry mule.
"And I used to be so pretty…" He said raising an eyebrow.
His mind jumped to Steve and he frowned.
"Well I wouldn't have sex with me."
His reflection made a face and Tony closed his eyes.
Where was this coming from?
It wasn't exactly like him to feel insecure about his looks. Though… nothing was exactly like him lately. He could tell everyone was concerned about him.
When was Tony Stark going to have his big breakdown?
That's what his reflection was asking him when he opened his eyes again. "Shut up." He answered. He looked at the stubble on his face, the thicker lines of his goatee.
Luckily, Tony had thought to pack a razor.
As he shaved, the Extremis data settled a little bit farther into the back of his mind. The last thing he needed was to cut his throat. Steve would never leave the room again! He almost smiled at the thought, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. But it was too true. Steve really wouldn't leave Tony alone if something like that happened. And Tony really had been happy when Steve had left earlier.
Tony had been feeling like a really bad host… he guessed years of social events would do that to you. Steve had been a little bit restless lately and had really needed to get out.
Tony remembered two nights ago, before they had checked into the Bohemian Rhapsody here, Steve had tried to start a game of Poker with a deck of cards he'd found in one of the hotel drawers (their choice of hotels hardly even had a television set and Steve could only handle so much of the bible for days on end). Tony hadn't been able to focus properly.
On top of working around a constant low-grade headache and some minor uprisings in Washington, he had been getting everyone acclimated to the new operating system. Plus Tony had been fairly certain that Nick Fury had bribed someone on Tony's tech team to download linguistics software translating everything Tony had tried to say into German for a couple of hours until he had given up on giving orders and had resigned to simply relay orders.
Needless to say he hadn't been able to bluff his way out of a cardboard box. Steve had made one of those bored grumpy impatient noises he insisted he didn't make and had opted for push-ups and crunches to keep himself occupied instead, which usually meant he was upset about something, and Tony had felt guilty knowing Steve would have rather been out in the thick of things as Captain America then playing babysitter as Steve Rogers.
Tony washed the remnants of the shaving cream from his face and dried himself off with a towel.
Steve needed something to keep himself occupied that didn't include Tony. Tony peeked through the towel at his reflection in the mirror.
It smiled back at him.
"That's a good idea." Tony replied.
He tapped into the Extremis and uploaded the surrounding city block's grid into his consciousness. He looked at the storefronts to see what was around. It took him 4.7 seconds to find what he wanted (well this entire hotel did have a starving artist feel to it).
"Perfect." He said aloud, throwing the towel at his reflection as it turned from his sight. He left the bathroom and went to find his coat, the one with the cash he had "borrowed" from his own accounts. As he slipped it on he shivered involuntarily. He hadn't realized how cold it was.
Actions spoke loader than words anyway. If he could never tell Steve how important he was to him, he could at least try to express it in other ways.
He shut the door to their hotel room and made his way towards the stairs.
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