~See, not everything I write is angsty! Despite the title, this is actually a humor fic. Really. The first couple of pages are mostly an introduction (not much new information, though I don't know if it's exactly accurate). There are some late Battle City spoilers (mostly just who the finalists are). This fic gets really insane towards the end. Enjoy. There are a lot of pairings, and most of them het for once! Different degrees of severity when it comes to the pairings. (Yugi/Anzu, Jounouchi/Mai, Seto/Isis, Honda/Shizuka/Otogi and Malik/Ryou/Yami Bakura.) You'll see.
~
Seto Kaiba stood, triumphant, on the dusty dirt floor of the stadium. He was prepared for the Battle City finals. The Battle Ship was prepared. Everything was ready.
Now he just had to wait for the finalists to show up.
The other finalists, that was – he was one of them. There would be seven others. Once they arrived, the Battle Ship would launch, and the finals would commence – bringing Kaiba that much closer to his goal of owning all three god cards. Laughing softly to himself, he reached into one of his numerous pockets and pulled out Obelisk – his most prized card, prized even more than his beloved Blue Eyes White Dragons. This card would allow him to beat Yugi. With Obelisk, he could once again reclaim his title as the world's top duelist.
He just had to wait to see who arrived.
Kaiba muttered in frustration when the KC logo on his coat began to blink. He pressed it, annoyed, wanting to bask in his success more.
"Niisama!"
Mokuba's high-pitched voice was full of excitement. That was probably not a good sign, Kaiba realized.
"What is it, Mokuba? I'm busy."
"I just had the best idea, Seto!"
"What?" Kaiba felt the tiniest bit of dread. Mokuba answered, happily. Kaiba just stared. Then his eyes narrowed, his brows contracting in annoyance. "Mokuba, are you crazy? I don't have time for fooling around! I'm a serious duelist. I need to concentrate. I have to win the other two god cards and beat Yugi!"
"Pleeeeeeease, Niisama? It'll be fun! I won't even be there if you don't want, but it would be a great way for you to have fun. It would get the other duelists to relax, too, and that way they'll be less prepared for you when you beat them with Obelisk."
"I don't want to have fun, Mokuba! I want to win."
"It'll throw the others off guard! Trust me, you don't have to do anything except show up!"
Kaiba sighed. "Fine. We can do this tonight. But the duels start first thing tomorrow morning!" He pressed the button on his coat again, cutting off the connection. Somehow, he had a feeling he was going to regret this. Where did his little brother get these insane ideas, anyway? Kaiba's biggest weakness, he realized, was the inability to say no to Mokuba. He shook his head. This better be over quickly. I need to get those god cards and beat Yugi!
A few minutes later, Kaiba heard movement, and saw several figures sprinting through the door on the far side of the stadium. He hurried in that direction, and quickly realized the running figures belonged to his archenemy, Yugi, and his friends. Yugi was grinning and holding up the six clear locator cards necessary to place in the finals. Not a surprise, thought Kaiba. Yugi was, in his opinion, the only duelist truly worthy of dueling him.
"Yugi, you are the second finalist. The first being myself, of course."
Yugi's grin got even bigger. "Did you hear that? That's great!" he cried, turning to his friends. "Jounouchi-kun, you're next!"
Kaiba's expression soured as Jounouchi pulled out six of his own cards.
"How did you get those?" he growled. "People are so careless. I can't believe that many people accidentally dropped their cards!"
"Why, you..." Jounouchi growled at Kaiba. "I won 'em, fair and square!"
"Hmf." Kaiba had tried to prevent Jounouchi from even entering Battle City by keeping his rating level at only 2 stars, even though he had come in second in the Duelist Kingdom tournament. Yet the weakling had somehow managed to pick up a duel disk anyway, and had managed to get ahold of the required number of locator cards. Kaiba didn't like the fact that Jounouchi was a finalist, but he didn't really have a choice: Jounouchi had the required six cards, so he qualified. "You're the third finalist, though you don't deserve it," Kaiba finished.
"Good luck, big brother!" Shizuka said happily, giving Jounouchi a quick hug. He grinned. "Don't worry, I'm gonna win this! I need to prove I'm a real duelist! One worthy of winning back my Red Eyes from Yugi."
Kaiba spun around, suddenly aware of a presence behind him. There were three presences, actually: a boy with white hair and a striped shirt, who Kaiba vaguely remembered from school as Bakura, and two other figures standing a short way off. Kaiba hadn't noticed any of them entering, but figured they had come in the other doorway while he was talking to Yugi and Jounouchi. One of the figures was very tall, and his dark purple robe was pulled up over his head. Kaiba felt a slight flicker of fear – was this Malik? The other person stood a few feet away – he had fairly dark skin and blond hair, and wore a shirt revealing his midriff.
"Nam-kun!" Anzu had turned along with Kaiba, and although she didn't recognize the robed figure, she did recognize the shorter one near him. "And Bakura!"
Yugi turned as well, and his eyes narrowed when he saw the taller, robed figure. "Hey, aren't you—"
"Yes. I am Malik."
Jounouchi, Yugi, and the others gasped when he said this. Jounouchi growled and balled his hand into a fist, and Yugi's hand flew to his Millennium Puzzle.
Kaiba, though wary, had a job to do. "Show me your Locator Cards," he growled. Bakura, Malik and Nam. The three of them produced the cards as requested, and Kaiba had no choice but to grant them places four, five and six in the Battle City competition.
"Hey! Kaiba!" A female voice came from the other side of the arena, causing Kaiba to turn. It was Mai. Kaiba wasn't surprised to see her, since she was one of the top duelists around. She produced her locator cards and Kaiba proclaimed her the seventh finalist.
Now they just had to wait for the eighth to show up.
They didn't have to wait long. After only a few more minutes, a mysterious figure clothed in white entered. This duelist was definitely a woman, though she wore white robes over her head and face and it was impossible to tell who she was. Only her eyes were exposed, and although they looked oddly familiar, Kaiba couldn't remember who she was. This was odd, he thought. Half the people there were who he expected – Yugi and his friends, all decent duelists. Except Jounouchi, but he undoubtedly had won his cards through dumb luck.
"That makes eight," Kaiba declared.
"So, when can we duel?" Yugi asked, full of his typical enthusiasm. Kaiba smiled slightly.
"We aren't dueling here."
"What?"
Kaiba pressed the button on his coat. "Bring in the Battle Ship!"
A moment after he spoke, Yugi and the others were covered in a large shadow. As they glanced up, they saw a large blimp approaching the inside of the stadium, which descended and landed. Mokuba leaped out and prepared the entry ramp. "We're dueling on the Battle Ship!"
~
An hour later, Yugi lay stretched out on his bed, nervous and excited. He and the other finalists had boarded the ship without incident, but when Anzu and his other friends had wanted to get on the ship, Kaiba had tried to stop them since they weren't duelists. However, Mokuba had managed to convince Kaiba to let them on, hinting at some greater plan of his. Yugi wasn't sure what that plan was, but he didn't really care. He was too busy thinking about his upcoming duels.
Mou hitori no boku...Yugi thought, establishing contact with his Yami. I'm nervous. What if I can't do this? I want to help you get your memory back...
Don't worry, aibou. You'll do fine. I'll help you. I know we can do this, together, for my memory and for the fate of the world as a whole.
Yugi smiled. He surveyed his room, which was furnished quite nicely. Kaiba had really gone all out to prepare the ship. He knew he'd have to get some rest before he dueled, so he snuggled into his covers and closed his eyes, just intending to rest for a few minutes.
He jerked awake some time later, when Kaiba's voice came on over the intercom. Yugi's stomach lurched nervously. He hadn't intended to actually sleep – now he had wasted a lot of time, he didn't even know how much. He had to get his deck perfect before the match!
Don't worry, aibou. I went over our deck while you slept, and it looks fine... Yugi smiled as his other half comforted him within his mind.
"Duelists! Please report to the main room in half an hour," Kaiba's voice boomed, reminding Yugi why he had awakened. "However, you will not be dueling until tomorrow morning. I have some...entertainment planned. In your closets you will find a wide variety of formal clothing. I had this planned before I knew who would be competing in the finals, so you may choose to dress however you like. Report to the main hall when you are finished."
"What could he be up to..." Yugi wondered to the empty air. Yami didn't know either.
"Hmmm..." Yugi walked over to the closet, and pulled it open. It was indeed stocked with lots of different outfits, both for men and women (since Kaiba hadn't known who would occupy what room, Yugi figured). All the clothes were fairly formal. Yugi shuffled through the choices several times, and finally decided on a familiar-looking red suit.
"I know I saw someone wearing this before..." he murmured, but with all the excitement of the past few weeks, he couldn't remember who it was. He quickly changed, and although he was generally uncomfortable in formal dress, Yami assured him that he looked good in the suit. He left his collar on.
~
"Do you think he wants us to dress up too?" Anzu wondered. She and Shizuka were seated in Mai's room, since Honda and Otogi had claimed Jounouchi's room.
"I don't see why not," Mai responded. "Here, let me help you decide." Mai threw several dresses onto her bed, then held up a bright blue, glittery one to Anzu. "This matches your eyes," Mai said. "And pink is your favorite color, isn't it, Shizuka? This one will look good on you," she added, handing her a rose-colored gown. "As for me...Hmm..." She searched through the dresses again, then decided on one.
~
Yugi was the first one to enter the large hall, his Millennium Puzzle still dangling around his neck despite the change of clothes. He glanced around, wondering what Kaiba had in store. There were tables pushed up against the sides of the room, and they were covered in food and bowls of punch. The main floor of the room, however, had been cleared. Perhaps Kaiba had installed some new, elaborate dueling technology, and was about to give a demonstration? Yugi felt around in his pocket to make sure his deck was still safe there, which it was.
The other competitors and guests began arriving. It was a bit of a shock for
Yugi to see his friends dressed up, since they usually wore school uniforms or
casual clothes when they were together. He was especially struck by Anzu's
glittering blue gown. What had Kaiba planned?
Finally, the Battle City host entered, standing on the raised platform at one end of the room. "This idea was completely Mokuba's, yet I decided to indulge him for once."
"For once?" Jounouchi muttered. Kaiba stared icily at him.
"While I know this will undoubtedly undermine my reputation as a professional duelist, I have decided to give you a night of respite in the competition, especially since the duels that are to follow have incredibly high stakes." He glared pointedly at Yugi as he spoke.
"So..." He swept his hand out over the large, empty hall. "I have arranged for a formal ball."
Yugi blinked.
"I know it seems strange and unfitting, yet Mokuba seemed to think it would be a delightful idea. I am not sure why I agreed, yet I shall merely watch, not participate. You can eat or dance as you please. Dueling is expressly forbidden, and talking about cards is also not recommended. Take a break. Relax. Yet tomorrow morning, the duels will begin."
Jounouchi glanced around. "Hey, but...there aren't enough girls to go around!" Mai, Shizuka and Anzu were standing together, but there were no other females to be seen.
"Hmm...Wasn't the eighth duelist a woman?" Yugi asked. "Where is she, anyway? And where's Bakura?"
"Oh well, we can worry about that later," Jounouchi responded. "Right now I just want some FOOD! Itadakimasu!!!!" He ran over to one of the loaded buffet tables and began heaping potatoes onto a plate.
Kaiba sat down in a large chair on the raised platform and surveyed the scene, scowling. He still didn't really like the idea. He motioned to an employee, who pressed a button and started playing a recording of Mozart's waltzes. Although no speakers could be seen, the room was soon filled with music.
Yugi took some food as well, then sat at one of the tables at the edge of the room and began to eat it. Anzu sat next to him, which caused his heart to pound. He wanted to ask her to dance once they were done eating, but he wasn't sure if he could get the nerve. He didn't even know how to dance anyway. Anzu was a great dancer...he was sure he'd somehow screw up and embarass her.
Don't worry, Yugi, you'll do fine. I'm sure she'll be glad to teach you. And don't ask me for help; you're on your own. I will not interfere.
Yugi gulped. He was sort of encouraged by his partner's words, but he wished Yami had offered more advice. His nervousness increased, and he soon found himself unable to eat.
"Hey...Shingnon, want some of my food?" he called to Jounouchi.
"Huh? What did you call me?"
"Sorry...Serenity."
"Eh?"
"I mean Wheeler! Why can't I talk today?"
"Ah...I see. You've been corrupted by the HK bootlegs, haven't you?"
"What's a HK bootleg? That isn't a card...is it?"
Jounouchi sighed. "Never mind. I'll always go for some more food, though!" He proceeded to shovel down the rest of Yugi's unfinished dinner, then belched loudly.
"Hey! Isn't that..." Anzu stopped Yugi from commenting by pointing at the door.
"...Bakura-kun?"
"Bakura-CHAN," Jounouchi corrected, a slight sweatdrop appearing on his face.
The figure that had just entered was undoubtedly Ryou Bakura, yet he was clothed in a long, elegant black dress. His long, silver hair had been brushed and smoothed back, and his large brown eyes seemed even larger than normal. He glided over to the table Yugi and his friends were sitting at, a slightly embarassed smile on his face.
"Why...Why are you..." Anzu couldn't even finish the sentence. She was trying not to laugh, but also a bit disturbed.
Ryou blushed, which made him appear even more feminine. "Kaiba-kun said we could wear whatever we wanted," he said softly, "and I wanted to wear this. It's pretty. Besides, there aren't enough girls to dance with all of you."
Nam also came running into the hall, followed by the hooded Malik. Yugi hadn't noticed his absence before, but when he noticed his entrance, he waved Nam over to their table. He liked Nam, though there was always something a bit suspicious about him that he couldn't pinpoint. Nam hadn't changed – he was still dressed in his short, midriff-exposing white shirt and black pants.
"I'll be glad to join you, Yugi. Just let me get some food." He smiled and hurried off to the refreshment tables.
Yugi gazed around the room, watching the unfolding events. Honda and Otogi were arguing in a corner of the room, occasionally shoving or punching each other. Both were dressed in black suits, a sharp contrast to their usual casual dress. Yugi assumed they were arguing about who got to dance with Shizuka first. Kaiba was still slouching in his large chair, though he had gotten up to get some food. Mai and Shizuka were sitting at a nearby table, and Malik was leaning against a wall by the door. The eighth duelist hadn't shown up.
Nam quickly returned with his food and a glass of fruit punch. He ate quickly, then began playing with the icecubes in his glass. Yugi and Anzu were also done, and although Yugi wanted to ask Anzu if she wanted to dance, his throat closed up whenever he tried. He didn't want to be the first one on the dance floor, anyway.
Honda, it appeared, had won his argument with Otogi; he ran over to the seated Shizuka and pulled her onto the dance floor. They began slowly waltzing, Honda clearly enjoying himself. Jounouchi shook his fist at Honda, still protective of his younger sister, but his focus was quickly diverted when Mai invited him to join them.
Anzu surveyed the scene, then glanced at her furiously blushing friend. "Yugi," Anzu asked, smiling slightly, "would you like to dance?"
"O-Oh! Anzu! Of course! I just...I don't really know how, and..." His speech trailed off, and he just looked at her, his face bright red.
"Don't worry about it," Anzu smiled. "And don't think about sending him out, either. I want to dance with you."
Yugi shakily stood up, taking Anzu's hand as she pulled him onto the dance floor. "Just follow my lead," she murmured, circling her other arm around his waist. Yugi was still blushing, and the fact that his head just came up to Anzu's cleavage didn't help the situation. They gently swayed in time to the music, and although Yugi accidentally stepped on Anzu's foot a couple of times, she didn't say anything. She seemed to be enjoying this as much as he was.
Nam licked his lips slightly as he admired Ryou. He was surprised to find that he was turned on by seeing the other in a dress, and he knew that Yami Bakura was somewhere within – he had long lusted after the spirit, and now, he might have a chance to fulfill it at least slightly. He smiled broadly and extended his hand towards Ryou.
"Care to dance?"
The boy blushed and stood, taking Nam's hand. The two of them joined the couples on the floor, gently waltzing in time to the music. Otogi and Shizuka (Honda had been roughly pulled away from her by Otogi after only a few minutes) were dancing towards the back of the room. Mai and Jounouchi had stopped dancing, and were simply standing together, gently rocking back and forth along with the music. Anzu was patiently teaching Yugi to dance.
Ryou gasped in surprise as he noticed a robed figure in the doorway. It was the mysterious eighth duelist! And she still hadn't changed her clothing, or taken off her head coverings, so her identity was unknown. She surveyed the scene, then glided to Kaiba and, apparently, asked him to dance, because he reluctantly stood and joined the dance floor, encouraged by Mokuba. He was taller than her, and she rested her head on his chest as they gently moved in time to the music. Kaiba was slightly annoyed, because he had intended to just watch the proceedings, but he had to admit that he didn't mind dancing with this mysterious woman. He was getting a bit tired of the same slow songs, though – he wanted something a bit more energetic. Nam was bored as well. He tried to think of a way to incite Yami Bakura to appear, although Ryou was certainly cute.
Smiling wickedly, Nam pulled Ryou extremely close and began whispering. "I have a secret to tell you..."
Ryou quivered slightly. "Y-yes?"
Nam gestured towards Malik, who was still swathed in robes at the edge of the room, drinking fruit punch. "He isn't Malik..."
"...He isn't? But then..."
"I'm Malik!" As if to prove it, he reached behind his back and produced the Millennium Rod.
Yugi had just sneaked a hand up to rub Anzu's chest when Ryou cried out. Dropping his hand (which caused Anzu to look rather disappointed, he noticed), Yugi spun around. As he watched, the golden Millennium Ring materialized above Ryou's black dress, and the youth's stricken face transformed into the sadistic Yami Bakura. The dark form looked around, looked down at himself, and began laughing hysterically.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ....I'm in a dress!"
Malik (the real Malik, who had been calling himself Nam) smiled wickedly, and pointed his Millennium Rod at the KaibaCorp employee who had put on the classical music.
"We need some REAL music!" Malik grinned. The edge of the Rod shone, and a glowing third eye appeared on the man's forehead. Shaking, he turned and disappeared into a corridor. Malik's grin intensified.
The music stopped suddenly, which caused Jounouchi and Mai to break out of their trance and look around.
"What's going on...?" Mai murmured.
The music suddenly flared up again, though it was of a very different variety. Loud, throbbing techno, with indistinguishable lyrics.
Malik laughed. Yami Bakura laughed as well. They were the only ones laughing; everyone else was just standing and staring.
"You can stroke my Rod any day," winked Malik, as he began to dance in a very different manner than the earlier sedated waltzing. He seemed intent on seducing Yami Bakura, who watched in amusement as he backed towards the food tables. He grabbed a piece of meat and devoured it hungrily, watching Malik. The blond was grinning, occasionally sliding a finger across his exposed midriff as he licked his lips and gyrated wildly.
Nearly everyone was sweatdropping at this point. Yami Bakura finished the meat, then seemed to once again notice that he was wearing a dress.
"I hate dresses!" he shouted, and clawed at it, tearing the fabric down the middle. He slipped out of it, wearing only boxers – Ryou's, which were decorated with purple hearts. He ran over to Malik and jumped on him, knocking him to the floor. Everyone else in the room grew even more uncomfortable.
Suddenly, the man off to the side, who people had thought was Malik but apparently wasn't, slumped to the floor.
"What...?" murmured Yugi. Malik began laughing insanely.
"He has no alcohol tolerance! And I spiked the punch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Malik suddenly cried out as a third eye appeared on his forehead and his face stretched oddly. His voice changed, growing deeper and with strange vocal inflections. He opened his mouth and began to sing raucously.
"HA HA YOU'RE DEAD! And I'm so happy! While your ship is going down, I'll stand by and watch you drown! Ha ha you're dead ha ha you're dead ha ha you're dead!"
"He's just unconscious," Yami Bakura pointed out.
"But that's enough! HAHAHAHA! World of Darkness, I summon you!" With that, Yami Malik pointed his Millennium Rod at Jounouchi, who happened to be standing next to the lightswitch. Jounouchi's eyes grew flat, and he reached up and turned off the lights. Yami Malik then released him, though nobody could see it happen.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yami Bakura's laughter echoed throuhout the hall as he leaped at his dancing partner, now obscured by darkness.
"I have to admit, the World of Darkness isn't so bad," Yugi whispered to Anzu, as he reached up to rub her chest again.