I could help myself. I love Dalton. And I've become obsessed with Jogan...
I hope I did at least a quarter of the justice that these wonderful characters deserve. I don't think the characters are very canon, but I tried my best. Story is rated for language and m/m pairing.
I do not own Glee, Dalton, or Three Days Grace.
Story is based around the quote.
Smiles are like band-aids… They cover up the pain, but it still hurts.
He was sick of grinning and bearing it.
He was sick of always running away.
But then, what else could he do? It hurt to be away for too long, but it hurt more to stay.
Damn it, why do I have to be in love with Logan Wright?
Every moment they had ever shared had been etched forever in his mind. Every argument, every joke, every time Logan had broken down, every single fucking glance Logan had thrown his way. Not enough. It was never enough.
Why the hell did he have to care so much? Why couldn't he not give a damn? Because if he didn't, there wouldn't be this aching hole in his chest every time he stared at Logan and he went unnoticed. He wouldn't have the urge to scream profanities every time Logan turned away, never noticing the effect it had on the actor.
He'd spent his entire life trying to make sure Logan would end up happy, even if it wasn't with him.
When the hell would anyone ever do that for him?
Derek didn't hear the faint guitar sounds until he was right outside of Julian's room.
He knew something must be wrong, or at least even worse than usual. Julian didn't play regularly, and only pulled out the instrument when in great emotional distress.
The jock stopped in mid-stride, wondering if the actor was composing a new song in the spur of the moment.
Julian wasn't, and it was easy to recognize the song immediately from the familiar opening riff; it hurt to listen into something that was so painfully true.
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Derek could almost sense, as the last note echoed into silence, the tears that were threatening to spill over Julian's eyes. And why wouldn't they? Julian was an amazing singer, and he had probably been taught to let loose all of his emotions through his voice; obviously, there was no emotional lack.
He heard the sound of a guitar being placed down on the floor; then, all of a sudden, loud music – the original version – blared from one of Julian's many speakers. Derek winced at the sudden sound.
He waited a few seconds, then took a deep breath and walked in, thinking carefully about what he would say.
"Seriously, Julian? Three Days Grace?"
"Why not?" Julian mumbled. "That song pretty much describes how I feel right now."
"Well, turn it off. Everyone on the floor is complaining." A bit of a lie, but at least it would get the other boy to listen to him.
Julian sighed through his nose, but he complied, getting up to turn off the music. The silence that followed was strangely deafening.
"Jules, I've never seen you this depressed before."
"Depressed? I'm not depressed." The words came out in a monotone.
"Stop acting like you're just an emotionless actor who doesn't give a crap. You're not fooling me."
Julian turned away.
"Yeah? So what? Why should you care?" The only person who should doesn't, Derek could almost hear Julian say.
"Dude, what's wrong with you?"
"Everything," Julian whispered.
"It's like… It's like you're not alive anymore. And what's this I hear about you going back to that movie? You know you might die."
After a long several minutes of silence, Julian spoke again, but it seemed he wasn't paying attention to Derek.
"I'm a coward, I try to hide my feelings, I always run, and the only boy or even person I've never loved doesn't even look at me and see me clearly. It hurts. I don't want to run anymore, because the longer I'm away the more it hurts. But staying here hurts too. I never know what to fucking do with my life. And worst of all nobody even cares about me. When am I going to get someone who can mend the broken pieces? Because that's the way they're going to stay. I don't think I have it in me to fall for someone else."
Derek blinked his eyes, once, twice. This was the first time Julian had ever truly poured his heart out to him.
The actor drew in a shuddering gasp, bringing his fist angrily up to his eyes.
"I'm leaving. For good. Fuck my stalker. Fuck everything. I can't stay anymore. I tried. I can't…"
It saddened Derek to see Julian this way – vulnerable, all the happiness sucked out of him, trapped. He could leave, that was true, but it would be at the risk of his life.
They both stood in silence for a few seconds, Derek trying to think of the right thing to say, Julian caught up in his own thoughts.
"Jules… Logan does care. He just… He's just too fucked up to see it yet."
"I better see it to believe it."
"At least… at least try, all right? Try to tell him. It's painful to watch you try to cover up everything with a fake smile."
"And what if he rejects me? I don't think I could handle it. I know he still loves Kurt, no matter what he says. And being the rebound hurts even more."
Derek could see his point. But he was tired of seeing Julian running away from his problems.
"So is that what you're going to do? Leave again, even though your life might be at jeopardy for it? Leave, even though you've done it too many times already?"
"Honestly, I'd rather die than live with the pain," Julian said with the bitterest smile Derek had ever seen to cross someone's face. The actor shouldered his way past the taller boy and out the room.
Derek could only stare after him, wishing that somehow things could work out.
How could it, though, when Logan was, in some ways, the densest boy he had ever known?
"He's boarding the plane today."
"So? What does that have to do with me?" Logan said with a lazy shrug. He lay, sprawled over his bed with his head rolled back so that he stared at the ceiling.
"I just thought you might want to know that he's never coming back," Derek said, trying to control the annoyance that had suddenly flared up at Logan's words. "He's your friend, after all."
"He'll be back soon, I'm sure. He always comes back."
"He's not coming back. He's been hurt for far too long by an idiot on this campus to bear it any longer."
"What idiot?" Logan said, mild interest present in his voice.
"Wouldn't you like to know."
"Actually, yes, I would."
"Well, it's not my secret to tell," Derek said with a smirk. "If you really want to know, I suggest asking him. Except, oh wait, he got on a fucking plane less than thirty minutes ago and you seem like you couldn't care less that you're never going to see him again."
"What is wrong with you today?"
"Oh, nothing, except the fact that you've gone way too far this time, Wright."
"What do you mean?"
"You are the most ignorant boy in the history of the world. You can't even see what's right under your nose. No wonder Julian's going away. He's sick of dealing with you when you can't even see him for who he is."
Logan sat up suddenly, staring at Derek with the expression of someone who had a sudden epiphany.
"Are you saying what I'm thinking you're saying?"
"Depends."
"Oh my God, I really am a fucking idiot," Logan muttered, slapping a hand to his forehead.
"I'm glad it took you that long to finally figure that out."
"What… what am I supposed to do?"
"You could start by apologizing."
"But you said it yourself. He already got on a plane."
"There's another flight to LA in about an hour, if you can drive that fast to the airport," Derek said casually.
"Why can't I just call him when he gets there?"
"Because after everything that he's been through, he deserves more than a phone call," Derek answered quietly.
Logan didn't need any more encouragement to bolt out the door without even a care for personal belongings.
Derek smiled. Maybe things would finally go right for Julian.
It was about time.
Julian got off the airplane, reaching up to the overhead compartment to get his bag before walking off. He made sure that he was wearing sunglasses and a scarf. Sometimes, even bodyguards weren't enough.
He always had at least several bodyguards tailing after him, but still, he couldn't help but look over his shoulder every now and then. As much as he tried to be nonchalant about it, the death threats really did scare him.
He made it to the hotel unscathed, then checked into his room with his script in tow. He'd read most of it on the plane, and he planned to spend the next half hour finishing it before it was time to go eat dinner with some celebrity girl his publicity agent had said would boost his image if he was seen with her.
He didn't even care anymore. He'd resigned himself to the fact that he would have to live in this charade for the rest of his life.
Fifteen minutes into his reading time, though, an unexpected knock sounded at the door.
Fear made Julian's heart thump faster. Did his stalker finally decide to strike?
He peered through the peep hole and almost did a double take at the sight.
He briefly contemplated not opening the door, but then he gave up and with trembling fingers, he unlocked it and let the person on the other side in.
"Never expected to see you here."
"Well, you know, everyone from Dalton has the tendency to pop up in unexpected places."
"Why are you here, Logan? Don't you have a certain Kurt Hummel to pine over at home?" Julian said coldly, turning away.
Logan winced at the words. "I came to apologize."
"For what?" Julian said with an incredulous laugh. Did Derek tell…?
"For everything I've ever done to you," Logan sighed. "No, Derek didn't tell me anything, but he made me realize how much of a jerk I was."
"Damn right," Julian said bitterly, trying to control the hot tears from spilling down his cheeks. The uncomfortable thing in his throat that he couldn't swallow around wouldn't go away.
"And on the way here, I finally realized something."
"And what is that, O all-knowing one?"
"That you love someone at Dalton."
"Oh, do I?"
"Was that person me, Julian? Is that why you've been running away for so long now?"
Julian turned to look at Logan.
For the first time, Logan truly saw Julian for who he was, in that brief moment when their eyes connected. He saw the way the sun hit his intense brown eyes, causing tiny black lines in his iris to stand out. He saw the way his dark hair fell into his forehead and the perfectly chiseled features that girls loved so much. He saw the moisture that threatened to spill over, the droplets that were gathering on the actor's beautiful lashes. He saw how red his eyes were, and he saw the desolate, bleak expression that seemed it would never go away.
He saw, and his breath was taken away.
"Jules, I'm sorry," Logan whispered, ashamed at how selfish he had been.
"It's too late to be sorry now," Julian snapped.
Logan stepped closer, until their chests were almost brushing. He looked down at the shorter boy, and his next words came out in a whisper that brushed against Julian's face.
"You don't have to run away anymore."
Before Julian knew it, warm lips were pressed against his own. Hands were at the base of his neck, playing with his curls. They broke apart, and Logan stared into his eyes with a solemn look on his face.
Julian was stunned, for a second. He'd been waiting for this moment to happen for a long time. Since freshman year, to be exact. But then insecurities and realizations flooded in, and the tears gathered again.
"What the hell was that?" Julian said, his voice cracking. "Were you pretending I was Kurt? Did it make you feel better for being alone? I know you, Logan. You use people to your own sick advantage. Don't make me believe that this was for my own benefit. Come on, now. You can't make me believe that you got over Kurt that easily."
"Julian, I just saw you for who you are for the first time two minutes ago," Logan murmured. "It's going to take some time, but we can make this work. I can't promise that I can give you what you want immediately. But if you don't come back to Dalton, you won't ever get it."
Julian broke down, then, in Logan's arms, his tears running freely. He buried his face in the taller boy's shoulder, hoping that words weren't needed to express how he felt.
Logan simply tightened his hold around Julian's body, knowing that somehow, someway they would make it work.
Someday.