Title: Back to You- chapter 1
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Third Watch. Honest.
Another excruciating shift for the Camelot crew came to an end. Everyone in the 55 was relatively quiet, which usually meant one thing. Someone had died. The fire station was normally upbeat and in good spirits even on some of the hardest days, but today, spirits were broken
Kim sat on her bed, thinking about the last couple of hours they had spent trying to save lives. At first, the call seemed like your everyday, run-of- the-mill fire, and for the most part it was. The fire spread quickly and they were able to save everyone but a 5 year old boy. Jonathan.
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Jimmy was still in his fire gear, minus the hat, sitting outside on a bench. Every time he heard those sirens go off, the sign that they were off to fight a fire, he had some sense of excitement. Of course he hoped that everyone would be safe and they would be able to save all the victims, but there was a certain rush, a sense of pride that he still got, thinking about what was ahead. Most times the worst thing to happen was smoke inhalation or minor wounds, calming down the scared victims. Not tonight though. Every person that had been trapped in that building had been rescued. All except one civilian, his civilian. A little boy named Jonathan. The boy had been so scared, but so relieved to see Jimmy coming to his rescue. He had had such faith that the nice fireman was going to save him. In a moment, that faith was quashed.
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Alex made her way up to the sleeping quarters. That's where she figured she'd find Kim. Whenever there was a child involved, it was always hard for everyone, but especially Kim. It was as if she could see her own child in their place. Alex spotted Kim sitting on her bed, leaning on her knees, staring at the floor. She had seen Jimmy a few minutes ago, and he looked no better.
Alex gently sat next to Kim and put a hand on her shoulder, causing Kim to jump. "Sorry to scare you. I guess I should have stomped or yodeled or something."
Kim smiled, "Yodel? Alex, are you not telling me about some hidden talent?"
Alex smirked, "Well, you know. I'm very mysterious." She became serious again. "I wanted to make sure you were alright. It was a pretty rough night out there."
"All things considered, I say I'm having a better night than Jonathan," she tried to smile, tears forming in her eyes.
Alex sighed, "Kim, there was nothing we could do. The fire was out of control and there was no way to save him. Believe me, Jimmy did everything in his power to try."
Kim looked at Alex through her misty eyes, "Jimmy? I thought D.K. was the one who went in there after him?"
"He started to, but heard someone else calling for help. Jimmy went back and tried to get to Jonathan."
"What happened?" Kim asked with concern, "I never even saw him come out. I figured he was someplace else. Is he alright?" Kim felt the panic rising in her chest. 'Please don't have let anything happen to Jimmy.'
Alex immediately set her fears at ease, "He's fine. He got a little banged up and inhaled a little too much smoke, but such is the hazard of the job. He's fine Kim," she soothed. "I did see him sitting out in the front though. He looks pretty down. A couple of us tried to talk to him, but he didn't say much."
There was always a huge part of Kim that still always worried, and cared about Jimmy. She tried to convince herself she cared because of Joey. She didn't want him to have to grow up without a father, but there was more to it than that. Not that she would ever admit anyway. She wiped her eyes and put her hair behind her ears, trying to compose herself, "He hasn't come in at all?" she asked.
Alex shook her head, "Hasn't moved from that spot since we got back." Alex and Kim had become very close friends as a result of riding together in the bus. She knew that Kim still had strong feelings for Jimmy despite all the crap they'd been through. "Maybe he would talk to you," Alex suggested quietly, giving Kim the push she was trying to give herself.
Kim glanced at Alex and laughed nervously, "Not likely. He never talked to me when we were married. Why would he talk to me now?"
"That's not true. He does talk to you."
Kim sighed, "Yeah he talks to me. He talks to me and acts like nothing ever gets to him. Like he's got everything under control. Like it's something he'll wake up and forget about in the morning."
Alex smiled, "Look, all I know is he needs someone to be there for him right now, and you know you want to be the one who does it." Kim gave her a dirty look and she laughed, "Don't look at me like that! You know I'm right."
"It's not my job to make sure he's ok, anymore. It used to be, but it's not anymore. He doesn't need me to go out there and coddle him. He'd think I was pathetic."
Alex smiled, "Who are you trying to convince?" Kim cast her eyes down to her hands. " It is your job to make sure he's alright, because you care about him. There's nothing wrong with that."
Kim stood up reluctantly and walked to the door, "Yeah, well, if he laughs in my face, I'm coming after you," she shot behind her.
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Kim spotted Jimmy sitting on a bench in the front, still decked out in fire duds. From behind it looked like he was a statue; he was completely still. Kim moved over to him slowly to stand beside him. "Hey," she whispered.
Jimmy slowly looked up and gave her a small smile. His eyes and nose were red from crying, and he nervously played with his hands. "Hey."
"Mind if I sit next to you?" she asked.
Jimmy scooted over without saying anything. They sat together for a while, listening to the sounds of the night life in New York. " So, who sent you out here? D.K.? Alex? The chief?" he asked suddenly.
"No one sent me out here Jimmy. I wanted to see if you were ok," she answered, taken aback by his question.
"Like I told the last three people that coincidentally came out here to 'make sure I was ok', I'm fine," he snapped out.
Kim laughed disgustedly, " You know what, I'm sorry I came out here! I didn't mean to disturb your brooding. I'll leave you alone." She stood quickly and began to walk away.
Jimmy sighed and dropped his head, "Kim, I'm sorry," he raised his eyes to her back, "I didn't mean to snap at you."
Kim turned around and looked at him, "Look, I understand if you don't wanna talk. I'll just leave you alone," she began to walk away again.
"Don't go," he pleaded.
Kim turned around again and walked back to stand next to him. He reached out his hand and took hers, "Please? Sit with me?" he asked softly.
Kim sat next to him, trying to ignore the fact that he was still holing her hand, playing with her fingers. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?" she asked softly.
Jimmy stared at her fingers, not able to meet her gaze, "It was my fault," he stated.
Kim frowned and put her free hand under his chin, forcing him to look at her, "What are you talking about? None of what happened was your fault."
Jimmy's eyes filled with tears again, "I wasn't the one who was supposed to go after him. D.K. was supposed to go get him. Maybe if he had, Jonathan would still be alive. I killed him Kim," he whispered brokenly, still gripping her hand in his.
Kim scooted closer to him, "Jimmy, you know that's not true. You can't save everyone. You know that. Sometimes things happen that you have no control over. You did your best."
" I saw the way you were looking at that building, thinking about that little boy who was burning alive. I know you were thinking about Joey, how someone's little Joey was dying inside," he choked out, struggling not to cry. " You know, he looked like Joey when he was 5. Dark hair, dark eyes, looking at me like I was going to save him, like he could trust me. I know that look, and I know the look he gave me when he knew I was letting him down, that I was going to leave him in there to die. I see that look whenever I disappoint Joey, whenever I disappoint you." Jimmy rubbed his fingers over her hand hard and nervously, not even realizing he was holding her hand.
Kim had tears streaming down her face. She hated to see him in so much pain, it made her heart want to break. She took her free hand and cupped his cheek, " Jimmy, I know you did everything you could do and so did that little boy-"
Jimmy laughed out, but it sounded more like a sob, "No he didn't. All he knew was that I let him go, that I gave up on him, that I left him in there to die so that I wouldn't. A 5 year old boy, Kim! I just left him there!" A tear finally fell from his eye.
"Killing yourself wouldn't have helped save him any. You did all that you could do and you had to get out of there. Dying wouldn't have helped," she choked out past her tears.
Jimmy stayed silent for a while, continuing to play with her hand. He finally looked at her and gave her a sad smile, "No, but he wouldn't have died alone."
Kim didn't know what to say to that. Was he actually wishing he had died with that little boy so he wouldn't be alone? What could she say to that?
Jimmy cleared his throat and looked around, suddenly realizing that he was holding Kim's hand and it was a dark red from the fierce rubbing he had done to it, "God, Kim, why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?" he tried to soothe away the redness by blowing on it.
Kim smiled and wiped away her tears with her free hand, "I didn't even notice."
Jimmy looked at her and wiped away a stray tear that was falling down her cheek. He loved the feel of her skin, which probably explained the mad grip he had on her hand. She turned her head into his palm and nuzzled against it. He smiled gently and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.
Reluctantly he pulled his hands away from her, trying to ignore the urge to grab her in his arms and take comfort in her. Even after all the time that had passed and all the bad things that had transpired between them, she was still the only person that was able to make the pain go away.
Kim smiled at the intent look he was unconsciously giving her. He was obviously thinking about something important. She slipped her hand back into his, catching his attention and smiling, "There you are."
Jimmy laughed softly, "Sorry. Lost in thought."
"Anything you wanna share?"
"I think I've done enough sharing for your lifetime," he chuckled.
Kim smiled, "Well, I hope it helped."
Jimmy smiled, "It did."
"Why don't you come inside and get something to eat? It's been a long day and we haven't had much time to eat."
Jimmy smiled, "Naw, I'm good. You go ahead though. I'm gonna stay out here for a while longer," he turned his head and looked away, not wanting her to see that he wanted her to stay. He felt her move and his heart sunk, knowing he was about to be alone. He could feel the pain seeping in again.
Suddenly he felt her move closer to him, tucking her arm around his, and he turned to look at her. She gazed at him steadily and smiled gently, "Ok," she whispered, making it clear that she wasn't about to go anywhere. He looked at her in surprise, but smiled back. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he could no longer resist, so he untangled their arms and wrapped his around her body. She leaned into his body, snuggling up to him, offering her warmth and comfort, both physical and emotional. He said a silent prayer of thanks that she was still in his life and kissed her gently on the head.
Kim knew that she would probably end up with all the mixed up emotions and feelings that she usually got when they had a nice moment like this, but for now, she just wanted to sit with him and offer him whatever kind of comfort she could. She wouldn't leave his side. Not until he was ready.
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The next day went by fast for Kim. Too fast. She had sat with Jimmy last night for nearly an hour, talking about nonsense, just holding each other. He had driven her to pick up Joey at her mom's house, and taken them both home. When she turned to say goodnight to him at her door, he didn't say anything, but took her hand in his and kissed it. Of course she couldn't sleep after all this, and was over analyzing what had happened between them that night, tossing and turning until the early morning hours. At one point, she even considered calling him, and talking to him, but luckily she thought about the stupidity of that plan and talked herself out of it.
She had managed to avoid him at the station, and hadn't had any calls with him so far, but it was inevitable. She would have to see him sometime. There wasn't a day that went by she didn't. She could never figure out if that was a good thing or not. Walking away from him and crushing his life had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do, but in reality, he had left her first. The first year after their divorce was unbelievably hard and awkward. They still continued to see each other on a daily basis at work, and also in trying to work out a schedule with Joey. The first couple of months, he had tried to get her back; calling her, and coming to see her at home. There was a huge part of her that wanted to go back, but then the thought of him with her sister pounded into her head and gave her the resolve to resist, although not the resolve to not sleep with him a few times. Hey, who could blame her, he was really hot! The second year was more comfortable. It was still really obvious he wanted to be with her, but he never actually said anything, just flirted mercilessly. He did mention getting back together with her once again, but he was engaged, and there was no where for them to go. After Bobby died, things got really bad. She tried to kill herself, and they broke into a huge custody war for Joey. That was probably one of the scariest times in her life. All she had left was her son, and he wanted to take that away. Luckily, he dropped the battle; he would have won. Things had become comfortable again, seeing each other at work and when they switched off with Joey. Last night was the first time they had been close to each other in a long time. Hence the obsessing. Nothing sexual had passed between them; he hadn't made any suggestions and she hadn't encouraged him. Really it was nothing, nothing to worry about. So they had sat together for a while last night. So she had been there for him. It didn't mean anything except that they cared for one another in a completely plutonic way. Right?
"You look like you're having some really deep thoughts over there. Care to share?" smirked Alex.
Kim snapped out of her daze, "No. I'm good. I'm just tired. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." Kim caught the smirk and raising of eyebrows, "What?" she growled out, giving Alex a menacing look.
"Nothing," she gave her an innocent look. They sat in silence for a while. "So, did something happen with Jimmy last night," she asked casually.
"Oh give me a break! I say I didn't get any sleep last night and you assume I shacked up with my upset ex-husband? Nice, Alex. Good to know what you think of me," she folded her arms against her chest, and turned towards the window, away from her, reminiscent of a 2 year old.
Alex just laughed. "Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. It's just I saw you together last night, and I saw you leave together, so I thought-"
"Yeah, we all know what you thought," groused Kim, chuckling a little at Alex's hysterics. They both calmed, and she continued, "Really though, nothing happened. He was really hurting, and I wanted to be there for him. That's all. He drove me to get Joey at my mom's and then drove us home. End of story."
Alex nodded her head, "It was really great how you were there for him. He wouldn't really talk to anyone else and we were getting worried. Having someone die on your watch is always hard."
"He didn't really go in to what happened up there, but he does blame himself."
"We all know he did everything he could to save that kid. There was nothing more he could have done without killing himself.
"It almost sounded like he would rather have had that happen than to have to leave him up there." Kim paused, took a breath, and went on, "Do you know why he wasn't able to bring him out?"
Alex sighed, thinking about the little boy, "The kid was in the corner of the room, crying, and too scared to move. The fire kept getting closer and closer to the room, and by the time Jimmy got up there, it was almost to the door. He went in the room, grabbed the kid and tried to move out the door. Something exploded and caused him to drop the kid and fly a couple of feet. Before he had a chance to get to him again, the ceiling gave way and made it so the kid was trapped. There was no way for Jimmy to get to him, things were burning too fast. He yelled for help and D.K. found him trying to get back into the room. The kid was screaming and crying, and Jimmy was trying, but all he was doing was hurting himself. He was trying to pull away some of the debris, but it was engulfed in flames. D.K. finally had to pull Jimmy away so they could get out before the whole building collapsed."
Kim could feel the tears in her eyes, "Where the hell was I when all this was happening?" She felt so guilty that she hadn't even known Jimmy was in the building, risking his life.
"Hey. Don't do that to yourself. You were helping one of the victims," Alex could see that Kim was blaming herself.
"I should have known he was in there. I should have helped him or something."
"Kim, there was nothing you or any of the firefighters could have done. It would have just put you in danger."
"I can't even imagine what that was like for Jimmy. I mean, I knew he was upset, but I had no idea."
They pulled up into the station and got out. "You helped him a lot last night. If he had gone home last night like he was, who knows what he would have done." Alex gently grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her in the eye, "You did help him. Being there for him was the best thing you could have done."
Kim smiled and wiped away her tears, "Thanks."
Alex gave her a hug, "Now come on. I think I've been enough of a girl today with all the touchy-feely. Let's go get something to eat."
Kim laughed, "You go ahead. I'm gonna clean out the bus. I'll catch up in a few minutes."
"Alright." Kim sat and watched Alex walk away. She had had no idea how horrible that night had been for Jimmy. No wonder he felt so bad. She pulled herself out of her thoughts and started on cleaning the bus. She was going over her med bag when someone pinched her sides, causing her to scream. Jimmy laughed and grabbed her waist so she wouldn't fall, "Did I scare you?" he whispered in her ear in his "creepy guy" voice.
Kim yanked herself away and whirled around, narrowing her eyes at him, "I could have done some serious damage to you, you jerk!" she threatened.
"Oh yeah, tough girl. I'm really scared," he laughed.
She couldn't help but laugh with him. Jimmy calmed himself and looked at her, "I realized today that I never thanked you for last night."
Kim smiled, "You make it sound so sleazy."
Jimmy chuckled, "Seriously. I was a mess last night, and you were really amazing."
Kim blushed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear; nervous habit, "Well, it was nothing. I'm just glad you're ok."
Jimmy moved a little closer to her. He noticed he was making her nervous, but he wanted her to know he really appreciated her concern. Besides she was really cute when she was nervous. "You're always there for me, even though I don't deserve it."
Kim smiled, suddenly not so nervous, "Yeah, well, I am pretty amazing."
Jimmy laughed, "Yes you are. Well, I wanted to say thank you. I really needed someone and you were there, so. thanks."
"You're welcome," she smiled, turning around to finish her task.
"Hey, I was wondering if you were busy tonight?"
Kim turned to face him, "No, not really. I was just gonna go over to my mom's to get Joey. Why?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to grab something to eat," Jimmy tried to gauge the reaction on her face, but she seemed ok, just a little surprised.
Kim's first instinct was to say no. Dinner was never just dinner with Jimmy. Things always seemed to get carried away, and then she'd wake up the next morning in his bed, trying to figure out how this had happened and how she was going to escape without waking him up. Jimmy could see her hesitate, "Just dinner, I swear. I won't try anything funny," he raised his hand in a scout's honor.
"I could eat," Kim smiled, wanting to laugh at the shocked look on his face.
"Really?"
"Refuse a free meal? I don't think so," she smiled.
Jimmy laughed, "Ok, well, why don't you go and change, and I'll call your mom and ask if Joey can stay the night, so we won't have to wake him."
"Sounds like a plan," Kim smiled and went go change. This was probably a really bad idea, but she was going to do it anyway. A girl has to eat.
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Jimmy had taken Kim to a nice Mexican restaurant that wasn't far from her apartment. She was a little nervous at first. It had been a long time since the two of them went out and did something that didn't include jumping each other's bones. It was nice to just sit there and talk.
Everything was going ok until Jimmy started to push his luck. "So, what do you have planned for tonight?" he teased her, making his usual innuendos.
The night had been going so well, and he decided to start acting like an ass. "I find it really amazing that we stayed together as long as we did," Kim laughed, teasing back.
Jimmy didn't find this funny. The reminder that he had screwed up and lost the best thing in his life was somewhat of a bad memory for him. "Why do you say that?" Jimmy asked with a plastered smile on his face.
Kim looked at him, still not seeing his façade, "Oh, come on. Don't you ever think about it? When you say things like that, I'm always amazed that we actually got together. Remind me, did I actually go for a line like that?" she laughed.
Jimmy felt a rise of hurt inside him, and he didn't know why. They teased each other like this all the time, but for some reason it wasn't funny tonight. Kim saw the frown on his face and calmed, "What?"
"What do you think you were to me, Kim?" he asked, trying to keep a lid on the raging emotions that were inside him.
Kim just stared at him, "What are you talking about?"
"You heard me. What do you think you were to me, meant to me? Just some random piece of ass that I happened to waste a few years on? Because that's how you're making it sound?"
Kim sat back, reeling from his statement. Where was this sudden mood coming from? "What the hell are you getting all bent out of shape for? What do you care what I think you thought of me or our marriage?"
"Is that how you feel? Like you wasted a few years of your life on me. Is that how you think about our time together?" he continued, his head screaming for him to stop, but his heart in to much pain to.
"No. I don't think of the time we were together as a waste. You gave me a beautiful son, and I could never regret that. He's the most important thing in my life," she stated coolly, trying not let her emotions get out of hand.
"So Joey's the only good thing that we ever had?" Jimmy knew he was pushing Kim, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.
That was the breaking point, "What the hell are you trying to get me to say? That when we were together everything was perfect and I wish we could go back there again?! What do you want from me?" she violently whispered, not wanting to start an all out scream-fest in the restaurant.
"You always make it sound like I never even cared about you. You always make it sound like what we had meant nothing to you," he bit back.
"No, Jimmy. It meant nothing to you. You cheated on me with my sister, my own freaking sister, and never even told me! I had to find out myself. Don't you ever blame your screw ups on me. You were the one who ruined us. You were the one who broke up our family!" Kim yelled, not caring who heard her.
"You were the one who left me, Kim! I begged you not to go. I tried to get you back!"
"For what? So I could be sloppy seconds? So I could come back and always wonder if were thinking of her or still seeing her? Hell, for all I know you probably slept with a whole bunch of other girls and I was just too stupid to see it!" Kim felt the tears streaming down her face.
Jimmy looked around at the people who were pretending they weren't listening to every word they were saying. He looked back at Kim, ready to fight back about that last comment, when he saw her eyes. She hadn't looked that upset and hurt by him since the day she walked away. "Kim, I'm sor-"
She wouldn't let him finish, "How can you expect me to think about us in any good way when you did everything you could to make sure I knew you didn't love me. We even slept together after we broke up, and do you know why? Because it didn't mean a damn thing to either one of us," she choked out and got up to leave.
Jimmy stood and grabbed her arm, forcing her to look at him, "Kim, please don't leave like this."
She pulled her arm away, but turned to look at him when he followed her out the door, "Leave me alone." She began walking in the direction of home.
Jimmy made another grab for her arm, "At least let me drive you home. It's late."
Kim once again yanked her arm away, "I don't want you near me," she looked at him, close to tears again. She walked away, unable to be with him anymore.
"So what? You're just gonna leave me again," he called after her, desperate to get her to come back.
She turned around and looked at him sadly, "You left me first." He watched her walk away until she rounded the corner and he could no longer see her.
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Kim was in a daze all the way home. What had just happened. One minute they were having a good time talking, the next he started attacking her with words. Lost in thought, Kim didn't see the man that was standing out in front of her building. She nearly ran into him, going in to her apartment building. "Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention."
"You are a really pretty lady, you know that?" the man asked.
Kim looked at him and scanned his appearance, something was off about the guy. He was wearing blue jeans, a leather jacket, and a watchman's cap. He looked relatively calm and laid back. "Um, thanks. Would you excuse me?"
"You live here?" he asked, looking up at the building.
Kim was really starting to feel uncomfortable, "Look, I really need to get inside."
"Maybe you could use some company tonight. Pretty girl like you shouldn't go to waste," he whispered, stroking her cheek.
Kim pushed him away from her, "Don't touch me, you sicko!"
Before she could think the man had her arm twisted behind her and a hand around her mouth, "Ooo, and she has attitude. I like that in a woman."
He was dragging her around the corner to an abandoned alley. Kim tried to fight him, but he was way to strong for her. 'Oh God, he gonna kill me,' Kim thought. The thought made her struggle harder, but felt something sharp pierce her side. The man held a bloody knife in front of her, "Keep that up missy, and we won't be able to have any fun."
Kim was feeling faint and the man pushed her to the ground. She tried to get up, but she was really dizzy and her vision was becoming more and more blurry. The man started kicking her; in the ribs, the stomach, back, anywhere he felt like it. She heard bones crunching and felt herself getting damp with her own blood. He was now beating her face, she tried to fight back, but she was so weak. Finally he stopped, but she felt his hand go to the zipper on her pants, "This is my favorite part, cutie," he laughed. Kim knew she was dead. 'I love you so much, Joey. Jimmy, please take good care of him for me. Take good care of yourself too. I'm sorry we never got a chance to work things out. I love you, Jimmy.' Those were the last thoughts Kim had before she blacked out.
Another excruciating shift for the Camelot crew came to an end. Everyone in the 55 was relatively quiet, which usually meant one thing. Someone had died. The fire station was normally upbeat and in good spirits even on some of the hardest days, but today, spirits were broken
Kim sat on her bed, thinking about the last couple of hours they had spent trying to save lives. At first, the call seemed like your everyday, run-of- the-mill fire, and for the most part it was. The fire spread quickly and they were able to save everyone but a 5 year old boy. Jonathan.
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Jimmy was still in his fire gear, minus the hat, sitting outside on a bench. Every time he heard those sirens go off, the sign that they were off to fight a fire, he had some sense of excitement. Of course he hoped that everyone would be safe and they would be able to save all the victims, but there was a certain rush, a sense of pride that he still got, thinking about what was ahead. Most times the worst thing to happen was smoke inhalation or minor wounds, calming down the scared victims. Not tonight though. Every person that had been trapped in that building had been rescued. All except one civilian, his civilian. A little boy named Jonathan. The boy had been so scared, but so relieved to see Jimmy coming to his rescue. He had had such faith that the nice fireman was going to save him. In a moment, that faith was quashed.
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Alex made her way up to the sleeping quarters. That's where she figured she'd find Kim. Whenever there was a child involved, it was always hard for everyone, but especially Kim. It was as if she could see her own child in their place. Alex spotted Kim sitting on her bed, leaning on her knees, staring at the floor. She had seen Jimmy a few minutes ago, and he looked no better.
Alex gently sat next to Kim and put a hand on her shoulder, causing Kim to jump. "Sorry to scare you. I guess I should have stomped or yodeled or something."
Kim smiled, "Yodel? Alex, are you not telling me about some hidden talent?"
Alex smirked, "Well, you know. I'm very mysterious." She became serious again. "I wanted to make sure you were alright. It was a pretty rough night out there."
"All things considered, I say I'm having a better night than Jonathan," she tried to smile, tears forming in her eyes.
Alex sighed, "Kim, there was nothing we could do. The fire was out of control and there was no way to save him. Believe me, Jimmy did everything in his power to try."
Kim looked at Alex through her misty eyes, "Jimmy? I thought D.K. was the one who went in there after him?"
"He started to, but heard someone else calling for help. Jimmy went back and tried to get to Jonathan."
"What happened?" Kim asked with concern, "I never even saw him come out. I figured he was someplace else. Is he alright?" Kim felt the panic rising in her chest. 'Please don't have let anything happen to Jimmy.'
Alex immediately set her fears at ease, "He's fine. He got a little banged up and inhaled a little too much smoke, but such is the hazard of the job. He's fine Kim," she soothed. "I did see him sitting out in the front though. He looks pretty down. A couple of us tried to talk to him, but he didn't say much."
There was always a huge part of Kim that still always worried, and cared about Jimmy. She tried to convince herself she cared because of Joey. She didn't want him to have to grow up without a father, but there was more to it than that. Not that she would ever admit anyway. She wiped her eyes and put her hair behind her ears, trying to compose herself, "He hasn't come in at all?" she asked.
Alex shook her head, "Hasn't moved from that spot since we got back." Alex and Kim had become very close friends as a result of riding together in the bus. She knew that Kim still had strong feelings for Jimmy despite all the crap they'd been through. "Maybe he would talk to you," Alex suggested quietly, giving Kim the push she was trying to give herself.
Kim glanced at Alex and laughed nervously, "Not likely. He never talked to me when we were married. Why would he talk to me now?"
"That's not true. He does talk to you."
Kim sighed, "Yeah he talks to me. He talks to me and acts like nothing ever gets to him. Like he's got everything under control. Like it's something he'll wake up and forget about in the morning."
Alex smiled, "Look, all I know is he needs someone to be there for him right now, and you know you want to be the one who does it." Kim gave her a dirty look and she laughed, "Don't look at me like that! You know I'm right."
"It's not my job to make sure he's ok, anymore. It used to be, but it's not anymore. He doesn't need me to go out there and coddle him. He'd think I was pathetic."
Alex smiled, "Who are you trying to convince?" Kim cast her eyes down to her hands. " It is your job to make sure he's alright, because you care about him. There's nothing wrong with that."
Kim stood up reluctantly and walked to the door, "Yeah, well, if he laughs in my face, I'm coming after you," she shot behind her.
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Kim spotted Jimmy sitting on a bench in the front, still decked out in fire duds. From behind it looked like he was a statue; he was completely still. Kim moved over to him slowly to stand beside him. "Hey," she whispered.
Jimmy slowly looked up and gave her a small smile. His eyes and nose were red from crying, and he nervously played with his hands. "Hey."
"Mind if I sit next to you?" she asked.
Jimmy scooted over without saying anything. They sat together for a while, listening to the sounds of the night life in New York. " So, who sent you out here? D.K.? Alex? The chief?" he asked suddenly.
"No one sent me out here Jimmy. I wanted to see if you were ok," she answered, taken aback by his question.
"Like I told the last three people that coincidentally came out here to 'make sure I was ok', I'm fine," he snapped out.
Kim laughed disgustedly, " You know what, I'm sorry I came out here! I didn't mean to disturb your brooding. I'll leave you alone." She stood quickly and began to walk away.
Jimmy sighed and dropped his head, "Kim, I'm sorry," he raised his eyes to her back, "I didn't mean to snap at you."
Kim turned around and looked at him, "Look, I understand if you don't wanna talk. I'll just leave you alone," she began to walk away again.
"Don't go," he pleaded.
Kim turned around again and walked back to stand next to him. He reached out his hand and took hers, "Please? Sit with me?" he asked softly.
Kim sat next to him, trying to ignore the fact that he was still holing her hand, playing with her fingers. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?" she asked softly.
Jimmy stared at her fingers, not able to meet her gaze, "It was my fault," he stated.
Kim frowned and put her free hand under his chin, forcing him to look at her, "What are you talking about? None of what happened was your fault."
Jimmy's eyes filled with tears again, "I wasn't the one who was supposed to go after him. D.K. was supposed to go get him. Maybe if he had, Jonathan would still be alive. I killed him Kim," he whispered brokenly, still gripping her hand in his.
Kim scooted closer to him, "Jimmy, you know that's not true. You can't save everyone. You know that. Sometimes things happen that you have no control over. You did your best."
" I saw the way you were looking at that building, thinking about that little boy who was burning alive. I know you were thinking about Joey, how someone's little Joey was dying inside," he choked out, struggling not to cry. " You know, he looked like Joey when he was 5. Dark hair, dark eyes, looking at me like I was going to save him, like he could trust me. I know that look, and I know the look he gave me when he knew I was letting him down, that I was going to leave him in there to die. I see that look whenever I disappoint Joey, whenever I disappoint you." Jimmy rubbed his fingers over her hand hard and nervously, not even realizing he was holding her hand.
Kim had tears streaming down her face. She hated to see him in so much pain, it made her heart want to break. She took her free hand and cupped his cheek, " Jimmy, I know you did everything you could do and so did that little boy-"
Jimmy laughed out, but it sounded more like a sob, "No he didn't. All he knew was that I let him go, that I gave up on him, that I left him in there to die so that I wouldn't. A 5 year old boy, Kim! I just left him there!" A tear finally fell from his eye.
"Killing yourself wouldn't have helped save him any. You did all that you could do and you had to get out of there. Dying wouldn't have helped," she choked out past her tears.
Jimmy stayed silent for a while, continuing to play with her hand. He finally looked at her and gave her a sad smile, "No, but he wouldn't have died alone."
Kim didn't know what to say to that. Was he actually wishing he had died with that little boy so he wouldn't be alone? What could she say to that?
Jimmy cleared his throat and looked around, suddenly realizing that he was holding Kim's hand and it was a dark red from the fierce rubbing he had done to it, "God, Kim, why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?" he tried to soothe away the redness by blowing on it.
Kim smiled and wiped away her tears with her free hand, "I didn't even notice."
Jimmy looked at her and wiped away a stray tear that was falling down her cheek. He loved the feel of her skin, which probably explained the mad grip he had on her hand. She turned her head into his palm and nuzzled against it. He smiled gently and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.
Reluctantly he pulled his hands away from her, trying to ignore the urge to grab her in his arms and take comfort in her. Even after all the time that had passed and all the bad things that had transpired between them, she was still the only person that was able to make the pain go away.
Kim smiled at the intent look he was unconsciously giving her. He was obviously thinking about something important. She slipped her hand back into his, catching his attention and smiling, "There you are."
Jimmy laughed softly, "Sorry. Lost in thought."
"Anything you wanna share?"
"I think I've done enough sharing for your lifetime," he chuckled.
Kim smiled, "Well, I hope it helped."
Jimmy smiled, "It did."
"Why don't you come inside and get something to eat? It's been a long day and we haven't had much time to eat."
Jimmy smiled, "Naw, I'm good. You go ahead though. I'm gonna stay out here for a while longer," he turned his head and looked away, not wanting her to see that he wanted her to stay. He felt her move and his heart sunk, knowing he was about to be alone. He could feel the pain seeping in again.
Suddenly he felt her move closer to him, tucking her arm around his, and he turned to look at her. She gazed at him steadily and smiled gently, "Ok," she whispered, making it clear that she wasn't about to go anywhere. He looked at her in surprise, but smiled back. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he could no longer resist, so he untangled their arms and wrapped his around her body. She leaned into his body, snuggling up to him, offering her warmth and comfort, both physical and emotional. He said a silent prayer of thanks that she was still in his life and kissed her gently on the head.
Kim knew that she would probably end up with all the mixed up emotions and feelings that she usually got when they had a nice moment like this, but for now, she just wanted to sit with him and offer him whatever kind of comfort she could. She wouldn't leave his side. Not until he was ready.
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The next day went by fast for Kim. Too fast. She had sat with Jimmy last night for nearly an hour, talking about nonsense, just holding each other. He had driven her to pick up Joey at her mom's house, and taken them both home. When she turned to say goodnight to him at her door, he didn't say anything, but took her hand in his and kissed it. Of course she couldn't sleep after all this, and was over analyzing what had happened between them that night, tossing and turning until the early morning hours. At one point, she even considered calling him, and talking to him, but luckily she thought about the stupidity of that plan and talked herself out of it.
She had managed to avoid him at the station, and hadn't had any calls with him so far, but it was inevitable. She would have to see him sometime. There wasn't a day that went by she didn't. She could never figure out if that was a good thing or not. Walking away from him and crushing his life had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do, but in reality, he had left her first. The first year after their divorce was unbelievably hard and awkward. They still continued to see each other on a daily basis at work, and also in trying to work out a schedule with Joey. The first couple of months, he had tried to get her back; calling her, and coming to see her at home. There was a huge part of her that wanted to go back, but then the thought of him with her sister pounded into her head and gave her the resolve to resist, although not the resolve to not sleep with him a few times. Hey, who could blame her, he was really hot! The second year was more comfortable. It was still really obvious he wanted to be with her, but he never actually said anything, just flirted mercilessly. He did mention getting back together with her once again, but he was engaged, and there was no where for them to go. After Bobby died, things got really bad. She tried to kill herself, and they broke into a huge custody war for Joey. That was probably one of the scariest times in her life. All she had left was her son, and he wanted to take that away. Luckily, he dropped the battle; he would have won. Things had become comfortable again, seeing each other at work and when they switched off with Joey. Last night was the first time they had been close to each other in a long time. Hence the obsessing. Nothing sexual had passed between them; he hadn't made any suggestions and she hadn't encouraged him. Really it was nothing, nothing to worry about. So they had sat together for a while last night. So she had been there for him. It didn't mean anything except that they cared for one another in a completely plutonic way. Right?
"You look like you're having some really deep thoughts over there. Care to share?" smirked Alex.
Kim snapped out of her daze, "No. I'm good. I'm just tired. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." Kim caught the smirk and raising of eyebrows, "What?" she growled out, giving Alex a menacing look.
"Nothing," she gave her an innocent look. They sat in silence for a while. "So, did something happen with Jimmy last night," she asked casually.
"Oh give me a break! I say I didn't get any sleep last night and you assume I shacked up with my upset ex-husband? Nice, Alex. Good to know what you think of me," she folded her arms against her chest, and turned towards the window, away from her, reminiscent of a 2 year old.
Alex just laughed. "Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. It's just I saw you together last night, and I saw you leave together, so I thought-"
"Yeah, we all know what you thought," groused Kim, chuckling a little at Alex's hysterics. They both calmed, and she continued, "Really though, nothing happened. He was really hurting, and I wanted to be there for him. That's all. He drove me to get Joey at my mom's and then drove us home. End of story."
Alex nodded her head, "It was really great how you were there for him. He wouldn't really talk to anyone else and we were getting worried. Having someone die on your watch is always hard."
"He didn't really go in to what happened up there, but he does blame himself."
"We all know he did everything he could to save that kid. There was nothing more he could have done without killing himself.
"It almost sounded like he would rather have had that happen than to have to leave him up there." Kim paused, took a breath, and went on, "Do you know why he wasn't able to bring him out?"
Alex sighed, thinking about the little boy, "The kid was in the corner of the room, crying, and too scared to move. The fire kept getting closer and closer to the room, and by the time Jimmy got up there, it was almost to the door. He went in the room, grabbed the kid and tried to move out the door. Something exploded and caused him to drop the kid and fly a couple of feet. Before he had a chance to get to him again, the ceiling gave way and made it so the kid was trapped. There was no way for Jimmy to get to him, things were burning too fast. He yelled for help and D.K. found him trying to get back into the room. The kid was screaming and crying, and Jimmy was trying, but all he was doing was hurting himself. He was trying to pull away some of the debris, but it was engulfed in flames. D.K. finally had to pull Jimmy away so they could get out before the whole building collapsed."
Kim could feel the tears in her eyes, "Where the hell was I when all this was happening?" She felt so guilty that she hadn't even known Jimmy was in the building, risking his life.
"Hey. Don't do that to yourself. You were helping one of the victims," Alex could see that Kim was blaming herself.
"I should have known he was in there. I should have helped him or something."
"Kim, there was nothing you or any of the firefighters could have done. It would have just put you in danger."
"I can't even imagine what that was like for Jimmy. I mean, I knew he was upset, but I had no idea."
They pulled up into the station and got out. "You helped him a lot last night. If he had gone home last night like he was, who knows what he would have done." Alex gently grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her in the eye, "You did help him. Being there for him was the best thing you could have done."
Kim smiled and wiped away her tears, "Thanks."
Alex gave her a hug, "Now come on. I think I've been enough of a girl today with all the touchy-feely. Let's go get something to eat."
Kim laughed, "You go ahead. I'm gonna clean out the bus. I'll catch up in a few minutes."
"Alright." Kim sat and watched Alex walk away. She had had no idea how horrible that night had been for Jimmy. No wonder he felt so bad. She pulled herself out of her thoughts and started on cleaning the bus. She was going over her med bag when someone pinched her sides, causing her to scream. Jimmy laughed and grabbed her waist so she wouldn't fall, "Did I scare you?" he whispered in her ear in his "creepy guy" voice.
Kim yanked herself away and whirled around, narrowing her eyes at him, "I could have done some serious damage to you, you jerk!" she threatened.
"Oh yeah, tough girl. I'm really scared," he laughed.
She couldn't help but laugh with him. Jimmy calmed himself and looked at her, "I realized today that I never thanked you for last night."
Kim smiled, "You make it sound so sleazy."
Jimmy chuckled, "Seriously. I was a mess last night, and you were really amazing."
Kim blushed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear; nervous habit, "Well, it was nothing. I'm just glad you're ok."
Jimmy moved a little closer to her. He noticed he was making her nervous, but he wanted her to know he really appreciated her concern. Besides she was really cute when she was nervous. "You're always there for me, even though I don't deserve it."
Kim smiled, suddenly not so nervous, "Yeah, well, I am pretty amazing."
Jimmy laughed, "Yes you are. Well, I wanted to say thank you. I really needed someone and you were there, so. thanks."
"You're welcome," she smiled, turning around to finish her task.
"Hey, I was wondering if you were busy tonight?"
Kim turned to face him, "No, not really. I was just gonna go over to my mom's to get Joey. Why?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to grab something to eat," Jimmy tried to gauge the reaction on her face, but she seemed ok, just a little surprised.
Kim's first instinct was to say no. Dinner was never just dinner with Jimmy. Things always seemed to get carried away, and then she'd wake up the next morning in his bed, trying to figure out how this had happened and how she was going to escape without waking him up. Jimmy could see her hesitate, "Just dinner, I swear. I won't try anything funny," he raised his hand in a scout's honor.
"I could eat," Kim smiled, wanting to laugh at the shocked look on his face.
"Really?"
"Refuse a free meal? I don't think so," she smiled.
Jimmy laughed, "Ok, well, why don't you go and change, and I'll call your mom and ask if Joey can stay the night, so we won't have to wake him."
"Sounds like a plan," Kim smiled and went go change. This was probably a really bad idea, but she was going to do it anyway. A girl has to eat.
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Jimmy had taken Kim to a nice Mexican restaurant that wasn't far from her apartment. She was a little nervous at first. It had been a long time since the two of them went out and did something that didn't include jumping each other's bones. It was nice to just sit there and talk.
Everything was going ok until Jimmy started to push his luck. "So, what do you have planned for tonight?" he teased her, making his usual innuendos.
The night had been going so well, and he decided to start acting like an ass. "I find it really amazing that we stayed together as long as we did," Kim laughed, teasing back.
Jimmy didn't find this funny. The reminder that he had screwed up and lost the best thing in his life was somewhat of a bad memory for him. "Why do you say that?" Jimmy asked with a plastered smile on his face.
Kim looked at him, still not seeing his façade, "Oh, come on. Don't you ever think about it? When you say things like that, I'm always amazed that we actually got together. Remind me, did I actually go for a line like that?" she laughed.
Jimmy felt a rise of hurt inside him, and he didn't know why. They teased each other like this all the time, but for some reason it wasn't funny tonight. Kim saw the frown on his face and calmed, "What?"
"What do you think you were to me, Kim?" he asked, trying to keep a lid on the raging emotions that were inside him.
Kim just stared at him, "What are you talking about?"
"You heard me. What do you think you were to me, meant to me? Just some random piece of ass that I happened to waste a few years on? Because that's how you're making it sound?"
Kim sat back, reeling from his statement. Where was this sudden mood coming from? "What the hell are you getting all bent out of shape for? What do you care what I think you thought of me or our marriage?"
"Is that how you feel? Like you wasted a few years of your life on me. Is that how you think about our time together?" he continued, his head screaming for him to stop, but his heart in to much pain to.
"No. I don't think of the time we were together as a waste. You gave me a beautiful son, and I could never regret that. He's the most important thing in my life," she stated coolly, trying not let her emotions get out of hand.
"So Joey's the only good thing that we ever had?" Jimmy knew he was pushing Kim, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.
That was the breaking point, "What the hell are you trying to get me to say? That when we were together everything was perfect and I wish we could go back there again?! What do you want from me?" she violently whispered, not wanting to start an all out scream-fest in the restaurant.
"You always make it sound like I never even cared about you. You always make it sound like what we had meant nothing to you," he bit back.
"No, Jimmy. It meant nothing to you. You cheated on me with my sister, my own freaking sister, and never even told me! I had to find out myself. Don't you ever blame your screw ups on me. You were the one who ruined us. You were the one who broke up our family!" Kim yelled, not caring who heard her.
"You were the one who left me, Kim! I begged you not to go. I tried to get you back!"
"For what? So I could be sloppy seconds? So I could come back and always wonder if were thinking of her or still seeing her? Hell, for all I know you probably slept with a whole bunch of other girls and I was just too stupid to see it!" Kim felt the tears streaming down her face.
Jimmy looked around at the people who were pretending they weren't listening to every word they were saying. He looked back at Kim, ready to fight back about that last comment, when he saw her eyes. She hadn't looked that upset and hurt by him since the day she walked away. "Kim, I'm sor-"
She wouldn't let him finish, "How can you expect me to think about us in any good way when you did everything you could to make sure I knew you didn't love me. We even slept together after we broke up, and do you know why? Because it didn't mean a damn thing to either one of us," she choked out and got up to leave.
Jimmy stood and grabbed her arm, forcing her to look at him, "Kim, please don't leave like this."
She pulled her arm away, but turned to look at him when he followed her out the door, "Leave me alone." She began walking in the direction of home.
Jimmy made another grab for her arm, "At least let me drive you home. It's late."
Kim once again yanked her arm away, "I don't want you near me," she looked at him, close to tears again. She walked away, unable to be with him anymore.
"So what? You're just gonna leave me again," he called after her, desperate to get her to come back.
She turned around and looked at him sadly, "You left me first." He watched her walk away until she rounded the corner and he could no longer see her.
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Kim was in a daze all the way home. What had just happened. One minute they were having a good time talking, the next he started attacking her with words. Lost in thought, Kim didn't see the man that was standing out in front of her building. She nearly ran into him, going in to her apartment building. "Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention."
"You are a really pretty lady, you know that?" the man asked.
Kim looked at him and scanned his appearance, something was off about the guy. He was wearing blue jeans, a leather jacket, and a watchman's cap. He looked relatively calm and laid back. "Um, thanks. Would you excuse me?"
"You live here?" he asked, looking up at the building.
Kim was really starting to feel uncomfortable, "Look, I really need to get inside."
"Maybe you could use some company tonight. Pretty girl like you shouldn't go to waste," he whispered, stroking her cheek.
Kim pushed him away from her, "Don't touch me, you sicko!"
Before she could think the man had her arm twisted behind her and a hand around her mouth, "Ooo, and she has attitude. I like that in a woman."
He was dragging her around the corner to an abandoned alley. Kim tried to fight him, but he was way to strong for her. 'Oh God, he gonna kill me,' Kim thought. The thought made her struggle harder, but felt something sharp pierce her side. The man held a bloody knife in front of her, "Keep that up missy, and we won't be able to have any fun."
Kim was feeling faint and the man pushed her to the ground. She tried to get up, but she was really dizzy and her vision was becoming more and more blurry. The man started kicking her; in the ribs, the stomach, back, anywhere he felt like it. She heard bones crunching and felt herself getting damp with her own blood. He was now beating her face, she tried to fight back, but she was so weak. Finally he stopped, but she felt his hand go to the zipper on her pants, "This is my favorite part, cutie," he laughed. Kim knew she was dead. 'I love you so much, Joey. Jimmy, please take good care of him for me. Take good care of yourself too. I'm sorry we never got a chance to work things out. I love you, Jimmy.' Those were the last thoughts Kim had before she blacked out.