Slash!: Hi everyone! *waves* Welcome to the Nonsensical Theatre, where my harem of newsies present excerpts from those lists that talk about things you COULD, theoretically, do in a public place, but no one except the extremely deranged would ever actually do. But first, the harem.

*Bumlets, Specs, Dutchy, Snoddy, and Skittery wave.*

Slash!: Talkative, aren't they? In any case, the premiere episode of Nonsensical Theatre showcases "50 Things to do in Wal-Mart." Enjoy, and give me lots of FB! ^_________________^

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5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

"Juniper," Skittery read aloud, frowning at the lablel on the spray bottle. What in the world was 'juniper?' Were there no pictures of 'juniper?' Shrugging, he squirted a bit into the air and sniffed it. Nodding, he moved on to the next bottle. "Citrus Breeze." Being as there were no pictures of 'citrus breeze,' he decided to sample that too.

*15 minutes later*

"Oh my God, Skit!" Bumlets said, staring at his fellow newsie through tear-dampened eyes. He coughed a few times, then continued, "What the HELL did you do?"

Skittery blinked, completely oblivious to the stench. "Tried out the air fresheners." He grinned. "Wanna try out the juniper?"

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7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

"The time . . . of the hamster . . . is nigh," Dutchy typed slowly, making sure he typed every word correctly. Checking it over, he decided it was right and went to the next typewriter. "Beware . . . of . . . the SPLUT!"

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10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

Specs cleared his throat and tapped an employee on the shoulder. The man turned and said in an I've-been-polite-to-people-all-day-and-I-can't-handle-it-anymore voice, "Yes?"

"I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," Specs replied in his best boss voice. The man's eyes went wide, and he grabbed for his walkie-talkie.

"Attention! Attention! We have a code 3 in housewares! Repeat!Attention! . . ."

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20. Put M&M's on layaway.

The woman behind the layaway desk looked up as the handsome young man approached her, smiling shyly.

"May I help you?" she asked kindly, hoping to put the young man at ease.

Snoddy smiled at the nice woman and held out his purchase. "Um, hi. I was just, um, wondering if you could put these on layaway? Thanks!" He waved and then scampered out of the layaway area.

The woman was left staring at a bag of peanut M&M's.

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22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

The employee paused at the sound of giggles emanating from the camping section. Frowning, he walked over to the giggling tent and pulled back the tent flap. He found himself face-to-face with five grinning young men.

"Hi!" said the Italian one. "Wanna come in?"

The employee blinked.

"You can't," the blonde one said. "Not unless you bring us a pillow from Bed and Bath!"

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29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Skittery stood in the electronics section, blinking at the vast array of blinking lights and beeping machines. He felt someone tapping his shoulder and spun, finding himself face-to-face with an employee.

"May I help you?" she asked.

Fat tears began to well in Skittery's eyes, and he sniffled a bit overdramatically. "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" he cried, flinging his hands into the air and fleeing the area.

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31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

"Excuse me, miss," Bumlets said, trying to catch the employee's attention. When he finally succeeded, he smiled his best lady-killing smile and said, " 'Scuse me, do you have any Juolpe in stock?"

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37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

Dutchy peered around the corner, eyes darting from side to side. Humming softly, he ran across the aisle to hide in the safety of the Barbie aisle.

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48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

"Employee to Housewares, employee to housewares," the voice echoed through the store. Specs fell to his knees and clutched his ears, doubling over and screaming.

"Specs, Specs, what's wrong?" Snoddy asked, kneeling next to his friend and staring at him with some amount of terror.

"NO! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" Specs clung to Snoddy, shaking uncontrollably. "Make it stop, make it stop . . ."

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Slash!: Let's have a great big round of applause to the harem. *applauds* Thus ends the first episode of Nonsensical Theatre. Hope you enjoyed it!