Alternate Endings to an Unfinished Story

(An Attempt House Humor)

A/N: Okay, now it's House humor I'm trying to get at. I'm an mostly AU writer, so it's easier for me to write AU than write something that keeps up with the storylines. But hey, who cares. Read the fckin' story. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to update in a while...so...enjoy!

Chapter One

The Pixie from the 9th Circle of Hell or AU Stacy

"Who the hell are you? You're not some kind of pixie, are you? I hope those wings are detachable because I'm going to rip them off." The old, crippled man who looked like an older, meaner version of my boyfriend stood up with his cane and came over. I ripped off the wings, took out the fangs, and looked at him.

"Hey, you look like my boyfriend, just older, and without the piercings. And this is the same house he lives in too. And your name must be Gregory House-"

"Shut up." He tapped my head and went to the kitchen to pour something. I smelled alcohol. "Okay, now you can start talking again."

"Hmm. Well, I was walking to the restroom and suddenly I walked out here. Either this is a future or this is an alternate universe."

"Or maybe both." He limped back out and handed me a shot glass. "Never mind that you're not of legal age. Might as well, I only get adults, and childish ones in my house. Drink up, kiddo, it's probably the last time you're going to have a scotch in a shotglass."

I downed the glass, then put it down and sat down on his chair. "I don't know why you're here."

"Or how to get back. I'm not going to be your babysitter."

"Are you always this acerbic? The House I know is a nice guy, even though he dyes his hair purple."

"I'm not the House you know." He looked at me. "I guess you're here for a reason. And once you find out that reason and solve it, you're going out."

"Go ahead. I've been out in the streets before. I know how to pick your lock, steal your things without you knowing, and make people drop dead on their feet. Don't make me."

He laughed. "Maybe you are useful after all. Want a job?"

He held out the door so I could come in, and I settled myself in a comfy chair.

"Off."

"Woof." I got off and sat in another seat.

"Ouch."

"He's a rebel genius. He learns from me, what makes me tick. It's money."

"Huh. And why does he like you?" He spun, and I smiled.

"Because I saved his life. How about that?"

He paused, and then sat down. "Okay, kid-what's your name?"

"Stacy."

House stopped, and looked at me. "Stacy…"

"Hassell. Now, what's the job, how much do I get paid?"

The door opened, and three doctors came in. I didn't take notice, except that they stared at me for a moment, then sat down.

"Christ, I should've dumped you out of the door when I had the chance." He handed me a 100 dollar bill. "Look, Foreman and you are going to break into someone's house, so I can get some info. Details please."

"Sure. Where's this Foreman guy?"

He pointed behind himself, and I looked up. I stared at a black guy. "Ah. Hi, I'm Stacy."

"I'm Dr. Foreman. We better leave."

"And do get some ladies panties and maybe a bra. I got a date with Wilson!" House yelled back.

I threw up the finger, and he backed off. "Okay, okay, just some panties."

"Hmm, no key in the usual spots, or anywhere for that matter," Foreman said. "Pick the lock?"

"No. This place's too rich for no protection. The house is wired, if I pick the lock the wires trip." I looked around, and found a window half open. "Gotcha. Lost some pounds yet?"

"No…Hey, I'm not fat!"

"Neither's the opening." I went to the back, and I heard him mutter, "If this is House's past girlfriend I'm going to shoot myself."

"Start cocking the gun." I looked at the opening, then climbed up and slipped through the hole, and opened the window for him. He climbed in, and we started searching.

"Nice place."

"No stealing."

"Yes, master." I laughed and went to the fridge. "Hmm. Nice place." I took out a Tupperware container full of food that was moldy. "Mold."

"Good, grab that when you leave." Foreman hit something, and something shattered, tripping the alarm.

"Oh, fuck." I grabbed him and went though the window, moldy Tupperware under my arm. "Mold's bad for people, so you might want to check me out when you get there."

We ran from the place, and got far enough before the cops came.

I walked into his office, and saw him with my Halloween fangs on. "A cape and you would be an impeccable vampire. Sans the cane." He smiled, I slapped the Tupperware down in front of him, and he leaned over.

"That's it? What, did you only raid their fridge?"

"Foreman tripped the switch." I sat down, leaning back. "Not my fault."

He looked at me. "What? I knocked over a vase, and it fell. That's all."

House looked at him. "Lose the weight. You, Stacy, go and get me some candy." He gave me a dollar.

"Yes, my dark lord." I bowed, blew him a kiss, and walked out.

I slapped the candy down and he still had my fangs on. He growled low in his throat. "Good, good."

"What else do you have for your minion? And take off those fangs, they're not yours."

"But I like sucking blood out of unsuspecting ducklings…"

I reached over and he drew back and hissed. I went back on my feet and snorted. "Go ahead. I have another pair in my world."

He smiled, and sat there, turning on his DS and playing, Castlevania of all games. I stood over him and watched as he beat the crap out of demons and vampires.