Disclaimer: I do not own Legion.
Another possible crack pairing contest entry. This one featuring Infectious Lass and Timber Wolf. If you feel this is rushed or the characters don't match their original personalities, I can only hope the ending makes up for it. Inspired by episodes of Sailor Moon, Urusei Yatsura, and an ending out of an issue of Gail Simone's run of Gen13.
Let Sneezing Wolfs Lie
"Achoo! Achoo!"
Brin Londo mumbled a curse as he lay tangled in bed sheets with a dripping nose, trying to get at the box of tissues on the nightstand. There was no one around to say 'Bless you'.
"Come on, you stupid..." He tried to grab on of the tissues to wipe away the snot, but he was tucked in so tightly he only managed to fall out of the bed, still trapped in the sheet cocoon. He landed on his butt.
"Ow."
Brin thought to himself how he got so sick. Yesterday an emergency was called when the L.S.V. and the Justice League of Earth decided to team up. This called for both the Legion and the Subs to respond. Near the end of the battle, Earth-Man had tried to start up a time bubble which had gone on the fritz, sucking in any unlucky bystander into the time stream. Brin reacted fast, and stopped Infectious Lass before she was pulled in. The next thing he his head felt like it was stuffed with hot tar.
"Last time I do something nice for someone." He growled, before thinking that talking to himself meant his fever was worse then the others thought. Finally deciding enough was enough, he ripped up the sheets with his claws and got up straight. The room spun a bit due to his achey head. He was only wearing orange sweatpants. The fur on his arms and abs acted as better insulation.
Where is everyone?
His keen ears were not affected by his sickness, but he could not pick up any of the normal sounds that one usually hears in Legion HQ. No yelling or screaming. No crying from rude comments or laughter from a joke made at someone else' expense. No sound of dice rolling from the team's resident D&D players. No reprimanding from fearless leader. No liquid being poured into test tubes. No screams or blood letting from a horror vid. No sounds of battle cries from any holo training programs in the holo shed. He was alone. Which meant he could walk about without worrying about any nagging tones from the resident poltergeist princess.
Brin grabbed a box of tissues with him and headed out the door.
"Guys? Guys!"
No answer. He journeyed on.
"Saturn Girl?" He sneezed and blew his nose. "Bouncing Boy? Phantom Girl? Princess, yo-achoo!" Blew his nose. "There?" He sniffled. He heard footsteps coming from around the bend.
"Oh hey!"
Brin couldn't believe. Infectious Lass, of all people.
"Uh, what are you doing here?" Brin said, suprised and feeling another sneeze coming up.
"Well I felt so bad that I made you sick that when Cosmic Boy needed one of us Subs to fill in for some monitor duty, I volunteered." She took a puff from her inhaler.
"Uh, why? Achoo!" He blew his nose.
"Bless you. So I can help you get better, of course." She smiled at the simplicity of her answer. Brin felt uneasy.
"Well, that's nice, I think, but I was kinda expecting someone like, I dunno, Phantom Girl to be volunteering for that kinda thing." He explained.
"Well, she did tell me to take good care of you, before she got shooed out the door by Ultra Boy."
Of course. Jo fripping Nah, again.
"Now you just get back into bed and I'll fix everything." She shooed him back into bed, and yet as she left, only one thought swam in his mind.
"But-"
"Don't worry. I'll take good care of you." She smiled. "Just leave it to me!"
Be afraid. Be very, VERY, afraid.
"Achoo!"
...
"Here you go, Brin. Some nice, hot, elvabird broth. Perfect thing for a cold."
Drura set down a tray on Brin's lap in the bed. The brown broth simmered and steamed in a big white bowl, next to a spoon and a glass of orange juice. He eyed it curiously. Drura stood by the bed, waiting for his critique.
"You mind?" He asked.
"Oh! Sorry. I'll go, uh, clean up the kitchen. Bon appetite!" She happily trotted off.
Brin eyed the soup suspiciously. He couldn't smell anything with his stuffed up nose, and his mouth currently had the test of cotton balls. It didn't LOOK poisonous, and his growling stomach gave an adamant testiment which translated to "shut up and eat."
Starving, Brin swallowed hard before he stirred the spoon around in the broth, then took a big gulp of it. It tasted fine, to his relief. Then, it him like a fat lady going over a balcony.
And in five seconds he managed to burn the door down when he screamed red hot flames.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! WATER!!! WATER!!! FOR THE LOVE OF SPROKCING GOD WATER!!!!!!!"
He clucthed at his throat before he grabbed the juice. It evaporated as it hit his tongue. He tried to keep his mouth closed, but he felt his teeth being racked by an unholy hit and he had to scream.
"AAAAHHH!! AHHH-"
FWWWISH.
He was cut off by the fire extinguisher Drura had in her hands as it sprayed fire retarding foam. He looked like a soapy snowman when she was done.
"I-"
FWWWISH.
She did it again for good measure. Then she licked her fingertips and put out the little flame that did a danse macabre on his ear tip.
"Wow! You could give Fire Lad a run for his money!" Drura exclaimed at the pyrotechnic show she just saw.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN THAT?! TAR?!" He screamed.
"Too spicy?" She asked.
"YA THINK?!"
Drura carefully picked up the spoon and sipped a tiny bit of broth. She gasped at how hot it was and fanned her mouth with her hand.
"I was sure I put in the right amount of spice. The recipe said a 'punch'."
"Punch? A punch of spice?" Brin gapped at her absentmindidness. "What recipe did you use?"
"The Bucin' Bronco's Bed Care CookBook!" She said. Brin almost fell out of bed.
...
About an hour after the broth incident, Brin had stocked up on plenty of ice, cold, water. Sadly, he hadn't stocked up on tissues. He ran out.
"Sprock. Hey Drura!" His voice sounded hoarse from the screaming earlier. "Drura?!" No response. He grumbled to himself and tore of the new sheets he replaced the old ones with. "Drura I need tissues!" He yelled in the hall. "Hello?!"
After trekking and sneezing, he found her in the lounge. Then he learned why she could not hear him. Besides the loud hum of the vacuum cleaners, the words of Larry Underwood's hit single Baby Can You Dig Your Man? were resonating into her ears via headphones. She was blissfully swept up in the music. She wasn't aware that the vacuum hose was actually spreading dust instead of sucking it up.
"Aw grife, what is she doing?" Brin asked himself. He went up to tap her on her shoulder, when the dust that was covering the floor and walls sent him into a sneeze attack.
"Achoo! Achoo! ACHOO!"
He couldn't stop himself, and the vacuum took the opportunity to suck up his pant leg.
"Aw-ACHOO!-grife!"
Drura finally noticed something was wrong when she felt the vacuum machine snag on something. She took off her headphones and turned around to find the lupine Legionnaire fighting off a vacuum machine of reversed orientation to the forces of evil rather than good.
"Achoo! A little-ACHOO!-help here?!" Brin yelled. Drura pulled at the machine to get it off of Brin's leg as Brin tried to pull his leg out of the hungry beast.
"On the count of three!" Drura said. "One! Two! Thre-!"
Her words were cut off by a thud and a ripping nose as she went flying over the couch with the machine in hand. She straightened up and examined the thing.
"Oh! I had this thing on the wrong setting!"
Then she noticed a ripped pair of orange sweatpants hanging from the machine. And the black boxers decorated with pac man ghosts Brin was trying to shield from Drura's eyes by standing behind a chair.
"My dad has those same shorts!"
...
"Brin? Timber Wolf?"
"What?" Brin snapped. Drura was behind the door.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about before, and I drew a bath. Is that okay?" She meekly asked. "It's not full yet, so you can check if there's anything worng with it."
Brin sighed. He heard her walk back down the hall. He made sure she wasn't in the area when he walked out in a pair of blue shorts he borrowed from Lightning Lad's room. He checked around the corners. She wasn't there. Danger Prone Drura wasn't around, whichever part of the HQ he was in. Which meant she was probably wrecking something else. Just as long as she wasn't around him when she did.
He could hear the running bath water from behind the door. The idea of a hot bath did sound good, to clear his head. And he knew she wouldn't intrude if he was in the bath. Not like Tinya, who had the pictures to prove it. He opened the door...
And was greeted by a tsunami of soap and bubbles.
The flood raged and roared down the halls, soaking everything in it's path. Brin did his best to hold his breath because he didn't know how long this flood would last. He opened his eyes and the soap stinged. It went in his mouth when he screamed out various curse words before it hit him full on, and the force of it would probably leave some sore marks.
Finally, the flood began to clear, and Brin wound up drenched on his back, staring up at the gym. Beside him, Drura was coughing up soapy water and fumbling with her inhaler before she took a puff. Brin looked at the soaked girl, and felt a blood vessel burst in his eye. Well, something burst. And the wolf boy had enough.
"I must've knocked the soap bottle in by accident." She lamented sadly. "I am so, so sorry, Timber Wolf! I'll-"
"You'll what? Blow the place up? Set it on fire? Detonate a nuclear bomb and wipe out humanity?!" The straw finally broke the camel's back. Drura sank back.
"I didn't mean-"
"Didn't mean what?! First you make me sick, then you come here just so you could finish the job! You know what you are? YOU ARE A JINX!" He screamed. "YOU ARE A WALKING DISASTER! YOU ARE THE ICEBERG THAT SUNK THE TITANIC! YOU ARE THE ATOMIC BOMB! YOU ARE A KLUTZ AND A WALKING DISEASE COLONY! YOU WANNA MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
He marched back into his room and made sure the automatic doors slammed shut. He didn't hear her sniffle, and he certainly didn't see the water dripping from her eyes.
...
It was two hours later in dry sheets and dry clothes, and a hurrican of tissues, and he did not hear a sound out of Drura, which made him feel suspicious. Silently creeping into the hall to use the bathroom, the second bathroom in case there was overcrowded in the mornings. He opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a thermometer. His temperature was now 101.5. It had gone done.
"Well that's better at least." He said to himself, and held back a sneeze. "Now where's Infectious Lass?"
He wanted to know what she did while he was in bed, and how he was going to explain the mess she made to the others when they returned.
"Hey, Infectious Lass! Where are-"
He walked into the kitchen.
"You."
He couldn't believe his eyes.
"Sprock." He whispered.
The place was spotless. From head to toe. The hall. The bathroom. The kitchen. In the kitchen, Drura laid her down on the counter.
"Drura?" He asked. "Infectious Lass?"
Brin leaned in. She was asleep. And there were tear stains on her cheeks. Guilt stabbed his nerves and he regretted everything he said.
"Geez. I'm such a jerk." He said to himself. "She just came to make me feel better and I screamed in her face." He took a better look at her pale face. "She wasn't so bad. And she didn't mean what she did. So she's a bit of klutz. And I'm a moron"
She stirred.
And, she's kinda cute.
Her eyes fluttered, and she sat straight up.
"Timber Wolf! I'm sorry! You said to leave you alone and I-"
She stopped when she dropped her inhaler.
"Here, I got it." He said, and picked it up for her.
"Th, thank you." She said, unsure of what to do now.
"Look. What I said before, I, I didn't mean it."
"Really?" She asked.
"Yeah. You aren't a walking disaster." Brin apologized. "And I know you weren't trying to kill me. I just had my tail in a bunch. So to speak."
She laughed at the image. "Well, technically I AM a walking disease colony. All my people are." She explained. "But thanks. I know, I'm a klutz, and I'm sorry for screwing up so much."
"Don't worry. We all screw up sometimes." Brin told her, beginning to forget about a spoiled princess from Bgztl for a minute.
"Yeah, but-"
He cut her off with a kiss on the cheek.
"And thanks for trying to take care of me."
Her white face was painted red.
"And when I get better, I'd like to, I dunno, take you to a movie or something. To say thanks."
"That would be great." She said in a dream like trance, hand to cheek.
"Thanks." Brin smiled. "I'm gonna go back to sleep. You need anything, holler."
"Holler." She repeated.
"Thanks, Drura." He said.
"Thanks, Drura."
She would never wash that cheek for the rest of her life.
...
The alarm rang up. Then it got thrown out. Brin rose and strecthed his arms, feeling like a million bucks. He'd give a call to Drura, thanking her and then deciding what movie they would see.
"Morning guys." He said as he entered the kitchen.
"Oh h-" Garth choked on his last words when he saw Brin. Everyone else stopped what they were doing, or continued to do so, as was the case for Dream Girl as she didn't stop pouring coffee into the overflowing mug. Monstress covered Cham's eyes. The Trips covered each other's. Sun Boy was blushing madly. Cos and Garth looked sick. And Imra looked like she wanted to burst out laughing.
"What?" Brin asked. "I got something on my face?"
"Not your face." Cham spurted out.
"Brin, Infectious Lass was here yesterday, right?" Vi asked, face turned to the wall.
"Yeah." Brin smiled.
"Uh, Brin, do you know what Granderian Gender-Reversal Germs are?" Brainy asked.
"What? Guys, what are you all... staring... at...."
Brin's mouth hung open for a moment, before he ran out of the room screaming and covering his new, big, bare breasts.
"I don't believe it..." Tinya gasped.
"I know." Chuck said.
"He has bigger boobs than I do!"
End