Despite my best efforts, this is the way I feel….
Nothing can change it. Believe me when I say I have tried it all. I only ended up wasting time…or maybe not all together wasting. Chances are I would have found another way to put off the evitable. Denial has always been a personal favorite. What I do not know can't hurt me, right? Yeah really….When you know it all that way of thinking is about as effective as an air pump on a punctured tire. On the subject of bizarre analogies, lately my mind has been completely like a broken record. I keep hearing your name over and over again. What comes next? Why can't I just kick back and listen to the sweet melody? Damn those scratches…And all this time I thought I was taking care of myself. Scars from over-playing and misuse? Bruises from other souls not handling me properly? Or perhaps time was the culprit…Maybe I am a broken record…Wait who am I kidding? I have never ever seen an actual record. Did records even exist? Doubtfully, the more I think about it the more I had bet they are just another myth from the Lost Jerusalem Era….Huh? How did I get there? Stupid brain….If one read my mind they would have to think all my neural pathways led to the same place…Or do everyone's? Regardless, the point of the matter being no matter what I think or do my mind wanders back to Lost Jerusalem. That is exactly it! All that other crap was pointless….I'll just go ahead and delete it….or not…maybe I'll find it amusing one night when I'm out of mind…Like now…Where was I going with that broken record simile? If I were driving a car right now, my brakes would be broken and I would be speeding endlessly on some dark road. Inertia and friction would be pointing and laughing at my predicament of course. Hey, if I were not in the driver's seat I would be busting a gut too….There I go again…I am just like a chain reaction….NO! I am not any of those things I seem to love comparing myself too. I am not an inanimate object. I am a fully thinking human, which is definitely my downfall. When was the last time you heard a broken record lose a night of sleep?
Yeah I do not sleep…
Who needs sleep anyway? A normal, properly functioning member of society? Um…about society…we left that behind some thousand light years ago. I never understood the general aversion to pulling an all-nighter. I rather replace the batteries with fresh ones than wait for the old, worn out ones to recharge anyway. Each time you charge it, it loses a minute amount of its ability to hold a charge. Humans are not really batteries, but it sounded good at the time. Moreover, I have sworn not to use the delete key. I am pretending I am talking to you after all and we cannot exactly pull poorly phrased sentences back into our mouths can we? You know what I mean right? Or maybe not? How about if you do happen to find out drop me a line. Maybe then, I could sleep for a while…Not that I want to sleep. Just something new to try to keep from falling into the same pattern of behavior…That is the last thing I want to happen…Well not really, but that is an expression somewhat like saying I am burning the midnight oil. Incidentally, I am not burning anything- except oxygen. I am sure the others aboard this ship could make much better us of the gas than me. Which reminds me, I bet you want to hear about how everyone else is doing…
Sorry, I am not the one to tell you. It is not that I am out of touch with them or anything, but you know…you are much more fun to talk too.
It was actually Allen who suggested I take up writing as a hobby. I bet he is kicking himself now though. Is it even possible to kick yourself? Oh never mind that is, another one of those figures of speech. It is a godsend that I never had any aspiration of becoming a writer…Or….Nah….Even if I had locked myself in an attic and wrote day in and day out, fate would still have delivered the gift of saving the universe to my doorstep. The best I could have hoped for was an afternoon delivery…
One positive consequence of spending the rest of your life on a ship bound for a planet that may or may not even exist is that you do not get any mail.
Sure, you do not have to worry about paying bills or any of those trivial things associated with normal "life," but I do occasionally miss receiving letters from far off companions…Wow, now I am lying. I never got a letter in the mail in my life. Did we even get mail? Oh man, since a few weeks ago I've gotten this quite frequently: I find myself thinking about something then just as I am about to come to an understanding I realize I have no idea what I am doing…Yeah I know I'm talking err…typing. When I think about how much time I spend typing my hands really start to cramp up. Mind over matter. I am not typing. I am not typing. Say it with me now.
I have not had a complete mental breakdown.
That is what we really should be repeating for understanding -more to convince you then anything. I know I am at least still partially sane. If I was not I could never claim to be losing it. I am not insane. An insane person wouldn't sit at their desk all night typing out every thought that entered their head and pretend their dead friend is some how reading everything…By the way, how come you never respond? Ha-ha…..Just kidding….I am not that far gone…..yet.
Yet.
We are not there yet. I am not ready for bed yet. The storm in my mind has not cleared up yet. The figurative sun has not risen yet. The rest of the crew has not thrown me in a padded cell yet. I am not ready to move on yet.
Nevertheless, as I said earlier, I do want to move on. But move on too where? There is not any room for advancement here. Really, there is not any room for anything. There is a surplus of time though. Call me a liberal but I think the Captain has to start monitoring the economy around here more closely. No one wants to fall into a depression.
Crap….there is the D-word again….
Well one of the D-words that haunt me…Depression, Doom, Denial, Death, Dread, Drifting, Darkness, Despair, Damaged….INSANE. As I'm sure you heard, that last one
wasn't a D-word as much as it is me. No, we have already established I am a person not an abstract concept…
The others seemed to have adapted well…or at least better than I have. Or are better at hiding it…We all have our own ways to cope. I know you are not judging me. The Elsa's crew has though. I even stopped getting visitors. I did not let them in but it is more the principle of the matter.
Oh and guess what?
Allen told me off about my recent fetish for solitude. Who does he think he is? …...Actually, I know exactly who he is as he knows who I am….really Allen is a great guy. But I just cannot talk to him the way I can talk to you. If he really wanted to he could eavesdrop on our conversation, but I do not think he will. He said he would give me my space to think stuff out whenever I need. But the joke is on him…I'm not thinking…Is there an off switch anywhere around here?
At least the lights go out.
I refuse to sleep in the dark though. Yeah you are right at the current time I refuse to sleep at all but that is besides the point at hand. If I were to sleep, I'd want a nightlight of some sort and something to hug. Am I regressing back to my youth? I had not noticed…They once talked outside my room about how this sort of thing was common in people who experienced everything I did. I would rather not go there. Why should I go anywhere? I am perfectly happy here. Truth be told, I do miss Allen some nights. When I imagine him fast sleep, dreaming of who knows what, I get green with envy. Even I can no longer deny my mind has a bottleneck. Wouldn't sleep unclog that right up? If it was missing the clog perhaps, I could do away with all these tiresome circular thoughts. I really have a bone to pick with the person who claimed the circle is a perfect shape….
But on the other hand…
If time is circular then by logic eventually we will end up in the same point we began at. Plus, you and I no matter where we are on said circle are still the same distance from the heart of the matter. Or do you not even exist in same plane of time and space as me…Sorry…Now would be the point where you should put your palm against my cheek. As reassurance, you know. So this may be rather random, but is the universe expanding in one direction like a ray or in both like a line? Think about it…that is hilarious. I am asking the guy who is causing the universe to gradually disperse…Let me look out my window to see if the nothingness is red or blue. Maybe that is where you blue eyes?
That does make sense.
Her eyes are red. I must have been thinking about this subconsciously when I built her. Come on, you have to love the ability to flawlessly jump from one topic to another completely unrelated one.
I am wrong.
Everything is related. We all come from a common thread. A single moment in time. Stop laughing at me. You know exactly what I am talking about even more so than me. We are going to make it back to that point, right. Scratch that that is what we do not want.
Can anyone spell paradox?
I am losing my ability to string words together. Infinite regression. Devolution. All I am left with words and phrases. Like those refrigerator magnets that if you play with long enough you can spell things. But only they are in a blender so I can never hold my thoughts long enough. Wow, jury strike that from the record.
Chaos.
I am sorry for rambling. I am sure you have many other things to do besides fret over me. If I were a scale model for this universe, I could see how it is destroying itself. The universe is insane. Confused. Chaotic Rejecting. But there is nothing wrong with chaos. We cannot have order all the time. Take the first time I met you, my "order" almost got me killed. Chaos and order are a system of checks and balances. I am not blushing so stop smirking. It is your fault for having the same name as chaos.
I am starting to think of all my experiences as an allegory.
We all represent something much bigger. You pretty much can compare any thing to anything else. By doing so, we are futilely attempting to make order out of chaos. We do not like chaos- it is the landing atop the slide that leads to our own demise. Yet right now, I'm taking solace in the chaos. After all, insanity trumps depression any day.
Are you sleeping?
You must have gotten tired from existing for thousands of years. I can barely keep my eyes open and I have only been around for about two and a half decades. Maybe you are like me…you are not ready to sleep yet. Let us stay up late together. Funny is I would say if I were with you I would be cool with sleep.
Don't you concur?
I know you are doing your best. I should follow suit. We cannot be together now. I know that. You have your path and I have mine and there simply is not a camping ground that both ours run into.
You see chaos…
I admire you oh so much. I believe in you. I simply cannot get you out of my mind. This time I am talking about you. I love you chaos, but I am not going to mourn of misfortune.
I feel better now.
Not good enough to sleep but…Hold on, someone is outside my door…
It is Allen. He wants me to turn off this thing. He says he is willing to take drastic measures. We do insane things for the ones we love.
So farewell my friend. Look after her for me just as Allen does for me…
He turned off the lights…Darkness is nice…Just like the universe; I succumbed to chaos in the end…
Hey chaos? It is I, Allen. I am trusting that wherever you are, you can somehow read this or at least hear our feelings. Do not worry about us. Shion will be fine. If anything, your conversation is proof of that. You do your part and we will do ours. I have complete faith we shall be together in one time at all. Until next time, sleep well. Right now, my part includes bringing Shion to bed…