Author's Note: WARNING: PURE SILLINESS AHEAD.

Also, if you haven't seen VeggieTales, you most probably won't get it. In fact, you'll be extremely confused. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Someone mentioned VeggieTales in an SGAHC discussion thread once and, lo and behold, I found myself penning the following in jest. These are, in actuality, the first Stargate: Atlantis fan-fictions I ever wrote.

And yes, they are filks. I weep in shame.

DISCLAIMER 1: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis or VeggieTales. MGM and Big Idea do, respectively.

DISCLAIMER 2: Spoilers through episode 3x17 "Common Ground."

Thanks to Sarah for the beta. Apologies, too.

VeggieAtlantis

by LilRicki

"Keep Blasting"

(to the tune of "Keep Walking" from Josh and the Big Wall)

Keep blasting, but you won't bring down our shield,

Keep blasting, but she isn't gonna yield!

It's plain to see, the poor guns that you wield

Cannot stand up, to the power of our shield!

You silly little hive ship.

You silly little dart!

You think that blasting down will make our force field fall apart?

The awesome power of this shield, we've shown to all and sundry.

Ah!

But out there in that cold, dark space, perhaps you're getting hungry?

John: I pity them, Rodney.

Rodney: Ah, mais oui, John Sheppard, mais oui . . . won't you join me in my irritating little song?

John: It would be an honor!

Keep blasting, but you won't bring down our shield,

Keep blasting, but she isn't gonna yield!

It's plain to see, the poor guns that you wield

Cannot stand up, to the power of our shield!

(Repeat ad nauseam)

- - - - - SGA - - - - -

"The Hair Gel Song"

(to the tune of "The Hairbrush Song" from Are You My Neighbor?)

Narrator (Carson's voice): Our curtain opens as Sheppard, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his hair gel. Having no success, Sheppard cries out . . .

Sheppard: Oh, where is my hair gel? Oh where is my hair gel? Oh, where oh where, oh where oh where, oh where oh where, oh where oh where, oh where . . . is my hair gel?

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his cry, Elizabeth Weir enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Sheppard in a towel, she regains her composure and reports . . .

Weir: I think I saw your hair gel back there! (exits)

Sheppard: Back there is my hair gel! Back there is my hair gel! Back there, back there, oh where, back there, oh where oh where, back there back there, back there . . . is my hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his joyous proclamation, Doctor Zelenka enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Sheppard in a towel, Zelenka regains his composure and comments . . .

Zelenka: Why do you need hair gel, you'll still get all the girls! (exits)

Narrator (Carson's voice): Sheppard is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. No need? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his hair gel? Sheppard wonders . . .

Sheppard: No need for my hair gel! No need for my hair gel! No need no need, no need indeed, no need indeed, indeed no need, no need . . . for my hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his wonderings, Doctor McKay enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Sheppard in a towel, Rodney regains his composure and confesses . . .

Rodney: Sheppard, that old hair gel of yours . . . well, you always use it, but don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry – wait, no I'm not. I gave it to Ronon - he DOES need it. (exits)

Narrator (Carson's voice): Feeling a deep sense of loss, Sheppard stumbles back and laments . . .

Sheppard: Not fair, oh my hair gel! Not fair, my poor hair gel! Not fair not fair, oh where oh where, my hair no where, not fair my hair, not fair . . . my precious hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his lament, Ronon enters the scene. Himself in a towel, both Sheppard and Ronon are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of each other. But recognizing Sheppard's generosity, Ronon is thankful . . .

Ronon: Thanks for the hair gel.

Narrator (Carson's voice): Yes, good has been done here. Ronon exits the scene. Sheppard smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the hair gel, calls out . . .

Sheppard: Take care of my hair gel! Take care of my hair gel! Take care take care, don't dare not care, take care nice hair, no fair take care, take care . . . of my hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): The end!

(Author's Note: Mmmm . . . Sheppard and Ronon in towels . . .)

- - - - - SGA - - - - -

"The Genii Who Don't Do Anything"

(to the tune of "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" from Very Silly Songs!)

Narrator (Carson's voice): Today we have Acastus Kolya and Commander Cowen, joined by Ladon Radim, who together make up the infamous gang of scallywags, the Genii Who Don't Do Anything!

Kolya, Cowen and Ladon: We are the Genii Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you . . .

Kolya: We don't do anything!

Cowen: Well, I've never farmed for tava, and I've never flown a 'jumper, and I've never kept my secret bunker secret, not at all! And I've never been a good guy, (but I was in lots of Star Trek,) and I've never been to Athos in the fall!

All: 'Cause we're the Genii Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you . . .

Ladon: We don't do anything! And I never hunted Sheppard, and I never fixed the station, and I never did much in "The Storm," not much if you recall! And I never stuck by Cowen, and I never stuck by Kolya, and I've never been to Athos in the fall!

All: 'Cause we're the Genii Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you . . . We don't do anything!

Kolya: Well, I've never captured Sheppard, and I've never tortured Rodney, and I've never taken Doctor Weir as hostage in my thrall! And I never took a bullet, and I'm not too good in combat, and I've never been to Athos in the fall!

Cowen: Huh? What are you talking about? You've done all those things!

Ladon: Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about things we don't do!

Kolya: Oh . . .

Cowen: And you've captured Sheppard twice! But he's still not dead! Why bring up that failure? Am I right? (to Ladon) What do you think?

Ladon: I think you look like Chief O'Brien.

Cowen: Huh? No I don't!

Ladon: You're making me want to watch Star Trek.

Cowen: That's it, you're gettin' thrown in the reactor!

Ladon: Says who? Besides, I already nuked you!

Cowen: Says the chief, that's who!

Ladon: Oh yeah? Sure thing - Chief O'Brien!

(Cowen chases Ladon around while Kolya sings)

Kolya:, And I've never had a bunker, and I never tranquilized Ford, and I never kept a Wraith as pris'ner in a cell so small! And I never stormed Atlantis, and I don't look mean or scary . . .

Cowen: (to Kolya) You just don't get it.

All: And we've never been to Athos in the fall!

- - - - - SGA - - - - -

Author's Note: I am SO SORRY.

If you were amused, I'd like to know! If you were disgusted, I'd like to know! Constructive criticism, please.