Disclaimer: Degrassi is NOT mine. Characters and such belong to Epitome Pictures Inc. and Canada (the-n doesn't deserve Degrassi, they abuse it too much)

This is an AU fic, based on an idea I'd received from a friend after a discussion about General Hospital and the infamous Luke and Laura. Not to compare Ellie and Craig to Luke and Laura or anything like that (they are dog crap compared to ABC's super couple). But this is more or less based off the idea that despite Luke raping Laura, she still loved him, and he still went on to become and amazingly favorite character of the show's fans. So the request in general was that I try and portray a usually well loved character in such a horribly violent way, that could still be a well loved character by others on the show as well as the fans...this is my attempt...

The beginning is the scene from WIFLTBAG (2), but then slips into AU after the infamous Crellie kiss. This will not be a multi-chapter, this is a side project (I'm still working on Reprise, and that's my main focus). This will be 3 Chapters total, they're already planned out, and just need to be written. To my regular readers: new chapter for Reprise next week, it's already at a good 10K words so get ready for a long read.

-MJ

Soaked all the way through with remorse and regret
Fire to purify my soul and blood to replenish it
I search in hopes of completion to justify my love for you
Nothing ever ends where our souls begin

Atreyu "Bleeding Hearts Shed No Tears"

Ellie was fuming. Anger and worry had flushed her skin the color of her hair as she pushed through the crowd to get back stage instead of enjoying the show she'd later have to report on. Tonight was his last chance, his last swing up at bat and if he missed, that was it, strike three. He'd be out. Trust was already broken, he'd already lied and she'd already fallen for it. To her, him lying was like slowly breaking apart the friendship she'd worked so hard to keep despite her feelings and it only seemed to push her further away. This was not something she or he needed. She showed her press pass to the bouncer, ignoring the band on stage and making a beeline to the dressing room where she knew he'd be. The music began to fade through the walls as she opened the door and slammed it shut. She stared at his reflection.

Craig looked up into the mirror to see Ellie walking into the room behind him. She was obviously angry and upset, "Ellie, hi…about group therapy listen…uh something came up," he said. She made a straight race for his bag and started looking through pockets and it's contents until she found what she was looking for. Ellie shook her head ignoring him as he pleaded for her to respond, "hey!" he called out as she went through his stuff, "hey! What are you doing?"

She turned around and held up the baggie of cocaine, "either you stop now, or I call Joey and tell him about this." She looked around, and back at him, as his eyes and thoughts focused on the baggie of white powder while he tried to pay attention to her words, "And this? This will all end, the touring, the music career, finished."
"Come on…Why would you do that to me?" he said. Ellie looked at him, "just leave me alone."

"I can't," she answered, scared of him asking her to say it, to say what's been on her mind since the summer they spent together in group therapy, getting closer, understanding the darker parts of each other's minds.

"Why not," he asked, hoping, praying, and wishing he could get her to understand why he needed the drugs.

"Because," she answered simply.

"Because why?" he turned back to face her. He knew, he always knew. And he always knew that she'd do anything for the people in her life that she loved and cared deeply about.

"You know why! Craig, you know so don't make me say it," she looked down at her feet, afraid to look up, afraid of what he'd say, of what he'd do.

Craig looked at her, he wasn't sure if it was his need for the cocaine or the lust from the last line he'd snorted before she walked into the room, but his blood was pumping, and he felt high as a kite as he rushed over, and grabbed her around the waist and brought his lips to hers and passionately kissed her. She responded with a smile, he responded with lust. "I love you, Ellie," he said blankly. There was no emotion, but it didn't come off that way to Ellie, she'd been dying to hear those words from someone, anyone since the day Sean said he loved her and left her.

" I love you, too," she said between smiles.

"So don't make me stop," he said, "Please, I need it,…don't call Joey."

Ellie pushed him away, "You bastard,"

"Ellie come on," he said feeling his moods beginning to sway. He hadn't been on his lithium in what seemed like months, and the high he was on was pushing him into a manic state, "You don't understand Ellie."

"Like hell I don't understand," she argued, "in case you've forgotten I know what it's like to be addicted."

"I'm not addicted," he said angrily, "I can stop, I just don't want to!"

Ellie rolled her eyes, "screw you Craig…" she said and began walking out of the room when he grabbed her by the wrist, where skin had been welted and raw from snapping a rubber band, because of him, because of worry. He pulled her closer to him and stared down at her. "Let me go, Craig," she said sadly, looking down at her feet.

" I love you," he said, hoping that if he kept repeating it, he'd get a free pass in life, a get out of jail free card, and pass go, all on one turn around the board. He leaned down and pressed his lips tightly against hers.

"Craig, stop," she insisted.

He ignored her and kept a tight grasp on her wrists, and wrapped another arm around her waist and pulled her closer as he bit roughly on her lips and tugged away before burying his head into her strawberry red hair, breathing in her scent. He held her close and rubbed her back as she struggled to get away from him in such a state.

"Craig, let me go," she begged, as she realized how intimate his intentions were progressing and brought her hands up to his chest and tried to push him away. This was not how she saw things going when she heard him first confess to loving her, this was not love. This was not the Craig she'd known, this was something new. He held her tightly as she continued to struggled against him, his mind was focused on one thing, and ignored everything else, the words she struggled to speak as he caressed her back.

Touching her was unlike touching Manny or Ashley when they'd made love. They never struggled against him, but the fight she was putting up drove his hormones into overdrive. It was an unstable mix of testosterone and an unhealthy high, fueled by the fact and idea that cocaine was the only love in his life at the moment. Manny had left him. He nibbled on Ellie's ear and waited for her to give into his advances. To Ashley, being bipolar almost made him damaged goods. He ran his hands down her back and roughly grabbed her rear and gave it a squeeze. But Ellie said she'd loved him, why was she trying to get away.

Ellie was sobbing as she realized she was getting something she always wanted, but not in the way she'd envisioned as one of Craig's hands ran up her shirt and the other struggled to get into the seat of her jeans. "Craig, please…." She begged. She hadn't been touched like this by many. She'd been with Sean, and was with Jesse, had kissed Marco, but this…this was something she wanted, but struggled against. She wanted this moment, to be something special, but this felt like anything but. She closed her eyes tightly and thought of the men in her life that left a loving touch on her skin, she struggled to remember Sean's hands when they used to gently trace the scars on her body, or Jesse's lips when he'd kiss her passionately, even the way Marco hugged her, anything to forget the way Craig was touching her.

Craig ignored her sobs and tried to kiss her again, but she turned her head. She continued to try and push herself away, turning around in his arms, she twisted to kick start her legs to run away from him. Craig grabbed her roughly around the waist and pushed her up against the table his bag had been on, and forcefully ran his hands up her shirt and grasped at her chest. She could feel his erection pressing through his jeans and against her rear.

Ellie sobbed harder, continuing to fight against him. She could feel his grasps leaving bruises on her pale skin, as she braced her hands against the table top and tried to push herself away but Craig pressed all his weight against her, pinning her to the table. Ellie cried, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Get off me," she managed to try and scream out, maybe if she was louder someone would hear her, but she remembered the show going on just outside the door. She could still hear Taking Back Sunday performing their set, and dropped her weight to the table. Fighting had become useless, she'd just given up.

Craig kissed her neck, and held her tightly with one arm as he unzipped his jeans and then struggled to get into hers as well, she struggled slightly but she eventually again gave up. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to think of someone else, not this monster in the room with her, pressuring her. She felt his cold hands reach into her jeans, she felt him smirk into her skin as she realized her body had betrayed her.

"I love you," he repeated. Ellie wasn't sure if he ever really meant it, or if he was subconsciously making love to his drugs. She felt the tears running down his cheeks as he forced himself into her. She felt horribly dirty as she allowed him to penetrate her over and over. She couldn't fight him anymore as she felt his hand on her back forcing her bend over the table. He braced his hand against the table, reached the other around in a feeble attempt to pleasure her. But she found nothing pleasurable in the situation. Her body was reacting but her mind was far from the situation. She felt him pull out and finish, and he backed away.

All the weight that had pressed her into the table was gone and she slipped to the ground in a fit of sobs as he zipped up his pants and looked down at her lustfully. There was a look in his eyes that she didn't recognize. This wasn't Craig. The Craig she knew didn't hurt others, or do drugs. She grabbed onto the table and pulled herself to her feet, and pulled up her jeans and walked to the door, as Craig grabbed his guitar, "I love you," he said as he inched closer to her and kissed her chastely on the cheek, she felt her skin burn at his touch, and rushed from the room quickly.

Ellie didn't even bother to stay for the rest of the show, or finish her interview with the band from earlier. She just wanted to get home, to get clean. She felt empty, and snapped her rubber band against her skin, but it did nothing, she felt numb to its sting. As she walked up the steps to the home she rented with Marco and Dylan she fumbled to get the keys in the door without crying hysterically. The house was dark, Marco and Dylan weren't home and she climbed the stairs to the bathroom turned on the shower waiting for the water to get scolding hot and stripped off her clothes. She looked at herself in the mirror, her hair disheveled and her skin marked with bruises, and welts from the rubber band. She noticed the hand shaped bruises on her wrists and the bruises on her waist, from where he'd held and pinned her against the table. Despite the incredible display of violence he pressured onto her, she still loved him, she still cared. The man in that dressing room was not the man she loved; he'd been nothing more than a shell of a man, a man high on drugs. She tried to rationalize the situation, telling herself he did care, he did love her, he'd only hurt her because of the drugs. She opened the medicine cabinet and fumbled through it, looking for a razor, a pair of scissors, anything sharp. She found a disposable shaving razor and removed the razor blade from the plastic casing and climbed into the shower.

The water burned away the scent of him, and washed away the dirt she felt herself covered in. But through out it all, the pain and hurt he should have made her feel was not visible, she wanted to feel it, to know she was alive. She brought the razor to her thigh and dragged it across quickly, watching as it took a few seconds for blood to seep to the surface and stung as the hot water hit it. She felt hot tears streaming down her face as she struggled to forget the night. He loved her, or at least he said he did, and it was almost worth the fifteen minutes of pain he'd inflicted, just to hear those words, or at least that's what she'd rationalized herself to think.