The Way To Break Chapter 1: Goodbye My Lover, a law and order fanfic

AN: Let's start with the discliamer! I don't own most of these characters, Dick Wolf is the man, and the credit goes to him. Some characters on here I did create, and are mine, I'm sure you can tell the difference.

This is story 3 in a series, go back and read the others first or you'll be lost :) 1. Rusted Armour And A Broken Knight 2. We All Fall Down. As always, I've written all the chapters and am in the editing process. Chapters will be posted after editing, no promise on how often it will be.

Unlike the previous two stories, the chapters in this story will probably not all be songs. Those that are, are credited to the artist as always. Those that aren't are just fun chapter titles I made up on my own. Too many chapters this go around, sorry.

I think that's it. Oh yea, my law/court/medical knowledge is all what I learn by watching TV, deal with it, go with it. It's all for entertainment. Enjoy!

Goodbye, My Lover

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be..."

James Blunt

He woke up but took a moment before opening his eyes. He felt...well he felt like shit. Not quite hungover, but definite afterthoughts of the beers he'd had. For a moment, that's all he remembered. Then he rolled over and opened his eyes. He started to reach out to the warmth beside him...a familiar body was strewn across the bed, asleep. But one clear look and he knew. It wasn't the one he wanted. Not the right body. He closed his eyes. It had all happened. All those words...last night hadn't been a dream. Because there he was...in Kim's bed. No, no, no, why was he in her bed? Well, he knew why...and he hated himself. He remembered it all. He remembered his apartment...he remembered the cemetery...and worst of all, he remembered arriving at Kim's apartment.

"Come in," Kim said.

He looked her up and down slowly, then stepped inside. "You look good, Kim." He stepped up to her and put a hand on her hip. "You always look good...uncomplicated."

"Uncomplicated is always how we did it," she replied, pulling him close. She started sliding her hands up under his shirt.

Ed slid off of the bed and looked for his clothes. He couldn't find his shirt. He took what he had and went into the bathroom. He didn't want to go over the night in his head, but push it away instead. He had to be at work soon, and all he wanted to do was go home and crawl into his own bed. He got dressed and washed his face. As he grabbed the towel to dry off, he caught his reflection in the mirror. He stared himself down. Who had he become? Why had he screwed everything up so perfectly? Why the hell was he at Kim's apartment? It wasn't where he should be. He threw the towel over his shoulder and leaned against the counter. He hung his head and closed his eyes. He heard Kim pull herself out of bed and walk across the room to the bathroom door. She knocked.

"Ed?"

"Yea," he replied. He walked out of the bathroom. "I'm gone, don't worry."

She tied her bathrobe around herself, taking her time to look over his bare chest. "At least stick around for breakfast."

He snorted. "Breakfast? Since when do we do breakfast?" He went to the front room to find his shoes and shirt. She followed him out and started up a pot of coffee.

"So what's her name?"

"Whose?" He slipped his shirt on.

"Whoever you substituted me for."

"We're not talking about it," he said. He sat down and pulled his shoes on.

"This one was something big, wasn't she?" She stared at him over the kitchen counter.

"Kim," he warned.

She rolled her eyes. "Excuse me. I shouldn't be surprised."

"About what?"

"Let's face it Ed, you're not boyfriend material."

"What does that mean?" He snapped his head up to her.

"Well for one, I never saw you. You never talked to me when we were together. You were always distracted by the job and by whatever ghosts you keep locked inside. It didn't bode well for us."

"'It didn't bode well for us'?" He mocked. He laughed. "No Kim. What didn't bode well for us was the fact that you're a bitch."

She smiled. "It's the reason you came after me in the first place."

"I came after you because you impressed me. The only reason we stayed together was...hell, I don't even know."

She laughed. "Admit it, sweetheart, I came at you on cross that day in court and I killed your testimony. I ripped you apart, and you loved every second of it. As soon as my case was over, I had you buying me drinks, and that much closer to my bed."

He shook his head. "You know, there were really only two things that we did well. Fighting and...well we took care of the other one last night. Let's not fight now."

"Oh, sugar, no. There was nothing done well about last night," she laughed. He gave her a glare. "Stop looking at me like that. We both know you didn't come over for good sex, you came over for empty sex. You got what you needed. Next time it will be my turn to call you, and we'll go through all of this again."

He stood up and pulled on his coat. "It's no wonder why we never worked."

"Your self righteous attitude never helped," she muttered. She poured herself a cup of coffee and didn't bother offering him any. "You always thought you were better than me because you're a cop and I'm a defense attorney."

"You've defended some real assholes."

"Just like I used to defend you, when everyone told me you were worthless?" She raised her eyebrows.

He gave her a sarcastic smile. "It's always great to see you, Kim."

He headed for her door as she called after him, "Come on, Ed. So our personalities clash, it's what worked for us. We may not have been in love, but we cared about each other. And every time we tried to end it, we always came back." He ignored her and left, slamming the door shut behind him. As much as he despised the words that came out of her mouth, she was right. He was an asshole.

When he got home, Bobby was up and working slowly at getting ready for work. The crutches slowed everything down. Bobby looked up at Ed when he came in the door. "Hi."

"Hey," Ed replied. He headed for the bathroom to get his shower.

"Did you go see her?"

"Which her?"

"Olivia?"

"Nope."

"Then where-." Ed cut off Bobby's words by shutting himself in the bathroom, and cutting the water on. He needed a hot shower, with lots of soap, to wash off the night before. He stood under the water until the steam in the bathroom was too thick to breathe through. Then he grabbed his body wash and scrubbed at his skin. And scrubbed. In the solitude of his shower, all he could think about was that it was real. It was all real. She was gone. He knew it had been coming. In a way, he was hoping for it. He wanted her to have better. She deserved better. But it didn't make the pain any more tolerable.

He finally shut off the water and climbed out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist, but didn't have the strength for anything more. He dropped to the floor and leaned against the wall. The bathroom was still filled with steam and it made him feel like he was locked away in some...alternate realm. Far away from reality. He wanted to stay there. He had to stay there. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back to the wall. He was never a fan of reality.