holy crap, im alive!

so to honor one of my most favorite running gags ever, i decided to the liberty and craft up an beautiful crackfic based on it. note that this takes place in an alternative universe so it doesnt correspond with anything.

in addition to this, the fantastic story, the memememememe brigade heavily inspired me to create this as well as summer break, the glorious hot topic krew(pride and joy), cute toot house and my girlfriend dragging me to the marina and the diamonds froot concert, hence the inspiration for the title.

gasp! merch is actually being nice and capitalizing shit in his story! its the end of the world! nah, i just felt the need to press the shift key for once. however authors notes theres no need for that.

for those who frequent tumblr and follow an certain fanfic blog, you will be extremely familiar with this joke. for those who are new, welcome abroad and enjoy the wacky adventure.

Chrom and the Fishsticks
Cheepter 1: The BUSINESS!

Once upon an time there was an ongoing war between the countries of Ylisse and Plegia in Amerijapanadaropesiafrica. It was started none other than the greedy Gangrel who wanted to get revenge and rule the world just like David Guetta did in his 2004 hit, "The World is Mine." Emmeryn, the current Exalt of Ylisstol at the time tried her best to convince them to reason through peaceful means but unfortunately, the trickster was too much of an dick to even comply. Instead, he kidnapped her and killed her long-time lover Philia in the process. Chrom and his Shepherds rushed over to the scene, arriving too late as Emmeryn decided to sacrifice herself for her people just in hopes of saving them. The younger royal siblings cried, Chrom falling down to his knees as he felt helpless even useless at the fact he couldn't rescue his dearest at the time.

To make matters worse, the sleezebag Gangrel had to rub it in, telling Chrom and the others horrid things like "Trigger warning, #heights and #death" right as his sister leaped off. It was extremely insensitive of him, then again, he is known as the Mad King. From there on, the Ylissean prince alongside the mysterious tactician Refle-, no MOTHER RUBEN, made an pact to put an end to the greedy king's reign of terror and bring peace for both countries. Soon, the final battle between Chrom, Ruben and Gangrel took place as the lord and his tactician finally were able to put the sinister mad man to rest.

"Ugh," cried the mad king Gangrel, "the SJWs are at it... again."

Soon, they helped Lady Say'ri rescue her land and slayed the giant red lobster Walhart, also known as the owner of both the fine eatery establishment Red Lobster and the evilest chain-store of them all, always doing rollbacks, Wal-Mart. Then last but not least was his greatest nemesis ever, THAT FUCKING FELL-DRAGON GRIMA! Oh how Chrom hated Grima and his pure evil to destroy the world, go against Naga's word and even more, he hated Chrom's most beloved food, FISHSTICKS! He was formerly an good friend of both him and Ruben's named Rufure, however he accepted his fate and became his true self Grima. And then after Grima was defeated and sealed away, everyone partied like never before and now years later, the world of Nintendo was happy and at peace.

Unfortunately, Chrom's and Ruben's marriage fell through as she got annoyed with his weird spending habits, his atheist ways, his love for fishsticks and worst of all, he cheated on her with Amy Rose. So, they gotten an divorce and she managed to use the great justice of her lawyer Mr. Burn's lawyer as he somehow managed to make her win the majority of Chrom's possessions to include an good chunk of his finances. That didn't matter because Chrom's an king and his king friends had his back, ranging from King Harkinian, King K Rool, King Dedede, and even the King of Cosmos himself as they all pitched in and gave Chrom everything he lost, to include more.

Now, fast foward to current day, Chrom was walking alongside the beach to join his fellow Memes for their annual summer barbecue party. Shulk was dressed in his underwear color swap, Reyn showing off his muscles, his ancestor Marth wearing an bathing suit from the 1940s, Ike showing off his sexy, six pack and beefy abs, Riki wearing an circular tubed floaty with Steven Universe's Lion on it, Donkey Kong well, wearing funky sunglasses, to even Bayonetta wearing an hot bikini which revealed her beautiful figure. Inklet held onto an watergun, playing with Kirby, Toon Link and his spunky pirate girlfriend Tetra, Lissa, Donnel and Ricken.

Other guests were invited to the big beach bash as well, consisting of Lady Palutena and her patriotic, Abraham Lincoln loving angel Pit and his robot boyfriend Mega-Man, the short yet full of energy mushroom girl Toadette, Ness and his cute and intelligent girlfriend Paula, Jigglypuff, the dynamic duo Lucario and Silver the Hedgehog, the stylish Tiny Kong, Zelda and her beau Link, Mario and his lover Princess Peach, Sonic the Hedgehog, the overly optimistic weeaboo Lana to even the famous Dry Bowser.

They were all jamming to Madonna's "Music" seeing how Shulk is an huge fan of Madonna, the 90s, children's television shows to even his favorite font in the entire world, comic sans. Everyone engaged with one another in conversation, Chrom talking about how his milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and damn right, they were better than Grima's.

"Um, Chrom?" said Nikki, the Swapnote Mii.

"Yes?" he replied.

"You do know Kelis is referring to her breasts in that song right? I really don't think you have any milkshakes, otherwise I'd be rather concerned," she informed him, writing some notes down.

The blue-haired lord frowned in response, realizing that Nikki was in fact, correct. Soon after, his mood was quickly lifted as Palutena held some fancy strawberry shortcake she purchased from Cooking Mama's Bakery. The goddess originally wanted to bake an cake herself yet Pit pleaded her not to, fearing that it would end up like another infamous revolting dinner episode.

Marth took an bite, before feeding his beautiful tan boyfriend Shulk. He moved the fork around, making airplane noises as he smiled.

"Here comes Jayjay the Jetplane," he exclaimed in excitement. "Open wide."

Shulk opened wide, allowing for the fork to enter his mouth as he took an bite of the delicious strawberry shortcake.

"Hey Chrom, can you go get something from the car for a second?" asked Little Mac. "My phone's in there and I want to show Samus something."

"Leave it to Beaver, I mean Chrom," said Chrom.

The Ylissean king made his way towards the MemeMemeMeme Mobile, yet tripped on an sand bucket, falling flat on his face. Soon after, he felt something on top of his head as he slightly moved his head out of the sand, realizing the sand bucket now happened to be on his face. He gently removed the object, looking for he culprit as he came face to face with an pair of big, brown eyes blinking at him. It appeared to be an little girl who've recently turned one years old two days ago. Soon, he felt something hit the back of his head as he winced in pain, muttering some curse words as he looked in the direction of where he felt the object come from as he met another pair of brown eyes as it was now an little boy. Before he could shake his fists because he will not fall to the ground again after Captain Falcon defeated him that one time thus preventing his chance for an slot in the Smash Brothers tournament, someone ran over towards him.

"Marc, don't be throwing things at stran- Chrom?!"

Looking up, he came face to face with none other than his former friend Robin. He noticed the man's wife near them as well as she held onto another small child who appeared to be sleeping this time. The lord couldn't help but make a face as eck, goths were near.

"My goth senses are tingling," Chrom stated in utter disgust. "Don't tell me that the measly Hot Topic Krew followed us here."

"Um, Chrom two things are wrong with your statement," Robin corrected. "First of all, there are no goths near and second, my wife and I aren't even in the Hot Topic Krew anymore. We're too old for that shit and plus, we have an family of our own to take care of."

"Wait, you guys aren't goth anymore?!"

Chrom was certainly out of the loop as baby Morgan reached for the plastic shovel, scooping up sand and burying Chrom's feet to the best of her ability.

"You do remember that the groups disbanded after both the United Nations and the President sent the FBI, National Guard, the SWAT Team, G.U.N., Paul Blart Mall Cop, the Avengers, the CIA to include the famous CIA agent Bill Wilson, X-Men, to even the Justice League right?" informed Robin's beautiful, big-boobed caramel wife Cia. Her hair happened to be back to its natural lavender color as Chrom didn't recall seeing her like that last time. Instead, he recalled her edgy, white hair as she was Ow the Edge of The Legend of Zelda franchise. "Hell, Bill Wilson greeted us as CIA and then had the nerve to tell me I was copyright infringing my own theme song!"

CIA now owned the rights to "Eclipse of the Moon" after he managed to somehow claim that Cia stole her own theme song. Now when people were to watch the Dark Night Rises, her former theme song played in the background of the plane scene were he goes "Dr. Pavel, I'm CIA."

"Not the Memes. We're still growing strong," he replied back, correcting her. Then he added, "Also if you switched back to your natural hair color, why are you still tan?!"

"Do you think I want to look like my overbearing, religious mother?!" she retorted back, being slightly annoyed. It was true, if Cia were to ever lose her sexy tan, she would look like an exact clone of her mother, God's girl and Riki's trusted companion Kynthia. Little Marc looked over in her direction as he heard her voice, lifting up his arms as he wanted to be picked up.

"Ma... Ma..." he babbled, trying to grab her attention. She kneeled down and managed to grab baby Marc, smiling softly while baby Morgan wanted to be held by her father.

"You do have an point..." said Chrom. "Also, that baby is evil!" he added, pointing at Marc.

"He's only an year old dumb ass," Cia exclaimed, being offended by the man's words. How dare he claim her precious little angel to be the evil incarnation of Tabuu.

"Wait, you said the MemeMemeMeme Brigade is still together?!" Robin stated, recalling that moment.

"Yep. Unlike you guys, we actually are an club just like Playhouse Disney, Nick Jr and PBS Kids combined," he proudly roared.

"I see," Robin flatly replied. He exchanged looks with his wife as they both slowly nodded.

As they talked with one another and walked with Chrom to retrieve things from the MemeMemeMeme Mobile, two mischievous kids were near the party, snickering as they had planted fireworks in the grill, picnic tables to even the radio. Dark Pit smirked, taking an sip of his hardcore Capri-sun as his boyfriend Lucas held an remote control with an giant, red button.

"Tell me when you want me to press the button babe," said Lucas.

"Three, two, one and... NOW!"

The blonde bishounen did as his boyfriend told him to, causing the grill to fly out of control, as well as the picnic table full of all the delicious treats to fly up in the sky, never to be seen again like Team Rocket in every episode of Pokemon. They went into an fit of laughter as they heard screaming, a piece of steak even falling on green mom's face.

Pit frowned, knowing already who was behind this awful prank while Shulk was devastated when the radio exploded, losing his beloved Madonna CD in the process.

"DANG IT PITTOO!" screamed the angel. He hastily came for his younger twin as Dark Pit grinned in his face.

"Now what are we going to have to eat?!" Toadette whined.

"Well, I can do the Mashed Potato," Ness proudly stated.

"Now's not the time for that Ness!" Paula said, shooting down her boyfriend's favorite dance ever.

"HAVE NO FEAR, CHROM IS HERE!"

Everyone turned around, seeing Chrom holding what appeared to be golden fishsticks which were deep fried in batter. These were no ordinary fishsticks as they all had their own Mark of the Exalt on them.

Bayonetta couldn't help but feel puzzled. "You carry fishsticks around with you in public?"

"Yep! Who knows when these puppies might come in handy, after all, they're fishsticks," he said. Chrom loved the fishsticks and their fishy stick ways. He learned an lesson though when he tried to feed this delicious food to an seagull. Never again, he thought to himself.

Samus couldn't help but lean towards the beautiful witch, whispering something.

"I do not want to know how that's even made," she murmured.

"Me either."

It was time for the moment of truth. Everyone took an bite as their taste buds started dancing from the exotic flavor, rap music blaring from the distance as it went "Fishsticks Puffs, Fishsticks Puffs! Tempura-Cayenne Flavor!" The whole group almost lost it like Sunny the Cocopuffs bird who went cuckoo for Cocopuffs as it was supposively flavored with Hershey's which we all know IS AN FUCKING LIE!

"Holy shit, it's actually good," said Reyn.

"I'm surprised, especially for someone like... Chrom," Zelda stated.

"HEY! I DO CHROM THINGS ALRIGHT!"

"Take it chill pill Chromeister," said the surprise guest, Henry. Everyone peered over in his direction as he was being embraced by none other than... an Robin clone?! But how?!

Cia couldn't help but feel extremely creeped out by this, in fact, she almost thought Robin ran off from her but he was right next to her the whole time. She looked at her twin sister before kneeling down, speaking in an high pitched voice to her belly as Lana was seven months pregnant with Crossbow Training Link's child, also known as Warrior Link.

"I can't wait to see you, yes Auntie can't wait," she said as if the belly was an dog.

"Oh dear Goddesses, stop. You look like an fool when you do that," Zelda said, cringing.

"Shut up!"

Lana chuckled a bit before sighing. At least their bickering wasn't bad as it was before which was an good thing.

"Did you do it with S-Support?" questioned Palutena, remembering how overly obsessed Lana's parents were over S-Support.

"Ummm." The sorceress' face turned tomato red as she couldn't finished the answer, which only means one thing. No, she did not do it with S-support however by Lancia family rule, Links were exempted which Robin found to be absolute bullshit.

"Who needs S-Support when you have A-Support," Henry said, butting in their conversation.

"A-Support?" Marth tilted his head, unsure what the white haired mage even meant by that.

"Ass Support, duh nya ha ha," he replied. "Guys, I want you to meet my fiance, Roben."

"Hi Roben!" said everyone except Cia and Robin, who were still fucking creeped out by the whole thing.

"I thought he was about to say Ribon," she whispered.

"Same," her husband whispered back.

"Hey Chrom," said Shulk, changing the topic before things got too awkward or out of hand, "Have you ever thought of opening up your own food joint? These will make an fortune!"

"Now that I think of it, no! Perhaps I can share my love of fishsticks with the world! I can see it now, Fishy Chrom's Fishsticks! The Best Fishsticks in all of Mushroom Kingdom, Hyrule, Ylisee-!"

"We get it Chrom," Nikki interrupted him, not honestly wanting to hear him go off on another tangent.

"Chrom's Fishsticks aren't made with love! Riki says they're made with SATAN!" said Riki, dousing his with holy water before eating it.

As the gang were excited to help Chrom with his new idea, little did they know, someone wasn't happy about it. Lucina frowned, finding her father's idea for an small food joint absolutely stupid. Out of all the things she loathed about her father's bad traits, the one she hated the most was his love of fishsticks. Oh how Lucina hated the fishsticks and their fishstick ways! Furthermore, he loved them more than he will ever love her and her little brother Markus, heck, even her own mother! Her blood boiled as she recalled finding his priorities list of who he would rescue in an dire situation.

Chrom's Priority List
1. Fishsticks
2. Chromantha
3. Beautiful Hedgehog Babes
4. Rappy McRapperson
5. Lucina
6. Markus
7. Ruben

Shia out of all people, was higher than the list than she was! It irked her so much, especially since he was never there for her older half-sister yet somehow she was top priority over the daughter he got to know and raise due to the fact that she loved Forever 21 and most importantly, fishsticks as well. Lucina felt heartbroken, let alone betrayed by her own father. Before she decided that putting an stop to this was pointless, an porter potty rose up from the ground out of nowhere. The door opened, revealing Yoshi, Cross, Roy and Diddy Kong.

"So, I heard you might need an little help taking care of an fishstick obsessed man. Care to join us?"

Lucina was hesitant at first, feeling awful for going against her own code of honor however, this was the last straw. She was sick of Chrom pushing her and her brother to the side to do his stupid Chrom things such as starting up Google Chrome or even saying how much he hates the state of California, which she admits, ain't even all that bad.

"I'm in," she answered.

Yoshi grinned, being quite delighted by her answer. "Very well. Inform your mother as well, I'm sure she would be interested in getting revenge as well.

While Lucina and Mother Ruben joined the Yoshi & Co. Gang, word of Chrom's new business happened to spread to an certain someone. Rufure placed down the newspaper he was engrossed in, making an face.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," he stated.

Unbeknownst, Chrom's new food establishment had drawn itself attention.

ive done chaptar, chaptarp, and now cheepter. how many more variations of chapter can i come up with? only naga knows and man, i have sinned.

in the next cheepter, chroms business takes off on grand opening day, already drawing in millions of adoring fans. however, what happens when his dream job is sabotaged by the yoshi & co. gang? realizing he'll need all the help he can get, chrom decides to establish an team of his own to rescue all of the fishsticks in the world even if it includes working with his long-time nemesis grima.

now, i rarely do this but i ask you, citizens of earth, to throw me names and suggest to me who would you like to see in chroms group which is called, yep you guessed it, chrom and the fishsticks.

i already have some people in mind but im always open to more suggestions.

heck, feel free to pitch in wacky ideas and scenarios as well, as long as they arent too disturbing or gross.

now to put this story on archive of our own as well!