Ch 1- It's Too Late

August 1985

"I can't believe they're having another baby." Bob said as he climbed into bed. "I mean you know how old he is… They've gotta be kidding!"

"Yeah…" Emily reflected distantly.

She gulped, turning over on her side, his words hitting the pit of her stomach like a sinking rock. Emily closed her eyes, trying her best to shut out the relief in his tone. Bob paused, noting her stillness.

"Emily I'm sorry, I know you would've liked to…"

'Oh yeah.' She thought, 'Like you really feel so bad.'

It hadn't come up in almost five years, since Howard and Ellen had their twin boys. Their childlessness had been something that'd broken her heart, but which Bob found himself deeply thankful for on a month-to-month basis. There'd been a time, almost fifteen years before, when they'd both wanted a child, but when that'd not happened, Bob had become more than happy about his carefree childless life. As the seventies faded into the eighties, even Bob's mother Martha (who had been all too eager for them to have a baby and asked about it every chance she got) had stopped mentioning it entirely. Emily played along with Bob for a long time, pretending she wanted their life the way it was: the penthouse, the trips… Howard… it made the longing easier. But she had never given up hope, at least secretly.

'Maybe.' She'd held in in her heart, like the most fleeting but desperate of wishes. 'Maybe there's a small chance, all it takes is the once…'

But now the final boom had been lowered: menopause, followed quickly by Ellen's announcement that she was going to have another baby. One she didn't even want. Bob was happy about the former, and aghast at the latter.

'Was I really so bad? How was I not good enough to be a mother?' Emily asked herself, a tear streaming down her cheek.

"Honey. Honey I really am sorry." He said.

'Sorry now when there's nothing that can change it?' She thought bitterly. 'What am I saying? It's not his fault… As much as he wanted it this way he doesn't control biology… the basic biology that we can't have a baby…' She choked on the thought. 'But he willed it this way…'

"Oh honey, come here." He whispered.

She wanted to run away, but turned over again, accepting his gentle hug as she started to cry. He kissed her forehead, cradling her gently, kissing the tears from her cheeks.

"I'm um… I'm sorry I've been so emotional lately… it's the menopause." She cleared her throat, not wanting him to know how she felt.

He knew it wasn't. It broke his heart that she was sad about his sister's news, but he couldn't say he sympathized. He didn't want children: it was a simple fact. They'd been a wonderful match in every way but that, and Bob often wondered if he'd been selfish, if he could've helped her try harder, or helped her heal, or even let her adopt… but that was the last thing on earth he wanted. Now that nothing could change it, or take it back… now that it was too late, and their time had passed, Bob decided to help her heal, failing to see that that was almost meaningless.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked. "Maybe I'll take the day and…"

"Oh no, no." She said quickly, brightening at the thought. "Tomorrow's my Auntie day Bob."

"Oh..."

At first, Howard and Ellen's instant and accidental family had really hurt Emily, but soon she'd found that the days she spent with their twin sons helped fill the hole in her heart. Bob, on the other hand, disliked his identical toddler nephews, their rowdiness and general disruptive behavior making Bob even gladder that he didn't have children of his own. But somehow, Ryan and Zach Borden, who really were the epitome of little terrors, behaved tremendously well, almost like little gentlemen, for their Aunt Emily… and only for her.

The twins healed her breaking heart, but also made her idealize motherhood in an unrealistic way… And unfortunately, they made him villainize fatherhood.

"Well." He said. "Dinner and a movie after, your favorite, okay?"

She giggled as he kissed her nose. "You're on."

'Maybe.' She thought as he started to kiss her. 'There are worse things than a man who doesn't want children… at least he's a sweet man, and a good man who loves you… '

Emily got lost in her thoughts as they continued to kiss, realizing that many of her high school friends who'd married very young, were going to be grandmothers very soon.

'Oh well.' She thought, wrapping her arms around her husband's neck as, together, they sunk into the covers. 'It just wasn't met to be…'

…

The Next Day

Bob looked up, startled when his sister came into his office and slammed the door.

"Is it hot in here?" She asked, fanning herself with a newspaper.

"I-I think it's just you."

"Bob I need to talk."

"Sit. I think I have another forty minutes or so until Mr. Carlin's due in…. How do you feel?"

"How do you think I feel?! I never really wanted to have kids…"

"I remember."

Howard had tricked Ellen. Even three years after she left him, the guy was still crazy about Bob's little sister. And to a degree, the feeling was mutual. The commitment shy reporter really did love Howard Borden, just not enough to give up her freedom to be with him. So when the idiotic co-pilot visited Ellen in Cleveland one fateful spring (having not seen her in a year), he did the only thing a desperate man could do: knock her up… purposefully. This, of course, had led to the end of Ellen's career, her move back to Chicago, and her subsequent marriage to Howard.

"Look. I just… God I feel awful for saying this." She managed, trying not to get sick again. "I should've done it the first time, not that I don't love the boys, but…"

"Done what?" Bob raised an eyebrow.

Ellen stared back a beat, wondering how clueless he really was.

"Bob." She said seriously. "Howard is so excited about this baby. He's freaking me out. He got a video camera Bob. He wants to film it!"

"Y-you're kidding."

Bob was stunned. He knew all too well about the new video camera. Howard had been bragging about it, making movies of the twins and the rest of the family. He'd filmed Howie's high school graduation, and Bob and Emily's fifteenth anniversary party. He'd even gotten in trouble with the FAA for trying to make home movies of himself at work. But most recently, he'd told Bob about his idea to use the camera in the bedroom.

'Howard that's my sister!' Bob had screamed, causing everyone at his mother's dinner party to turn and stare.

Ellen sighed. "Bob. I don't want that… I don't want this… I want…"

Ellen Hartley Borden paused, wondering if her big brother would understand the sentiment. He was tolerant, but not exactly liberal.

"Ellen. Whatever you wanna say, I'm here for you, more than anyone, like I always have been: I'll understand. Just say it."

Ellen almost bristled, and grew very serious. "Bob. I wanna have an abortion."

…

"Ryan and Zachie look at you my handsome little devils!" Emily laughed, getting on her knees.

The preschool ended at noon, and so did her day. Having her nephews at school with her had been something else that had tempered her longing for her own child. It'd been hard to work in education and want a child so badly. Becoming vice principal, almost a decade before had made that pain a bit more removed, which she was grateful for. Being with a classroom full of kids on a daily basis would've been agonizing for her the last couple of years.

Ryan and Zach hugged Emily as she kissed their cheeks. It didn't matter to Emily, that the boys were her husband's nephews and not her own, or that they were the biggest troublemakers in the class, she loved them as if they were her babies and they loved her back: sensing an appreciation from her they didn't get from their mom.

"Auntie. Someone told us today that you were important." Zach began as Emily took their hands.

"But we told them you weren't important you were just our Aunt Emily."

Emily giggled. "Well you're both right. I'm the vice principal, and I am your auntie."

"So it's true, we do get away with murder?" Ryan asked, sniffling.

Zach hiccupped. "Auntie? What's murder?"

Emily'd been accused of nepotism: of going easy on the twins because they were her nephews. In fact, the truth was, the preschool was simply housed on her campus, and so disciplinary problems were the teacher's sole purview, not hers. Next year, when the boys entered kindergarten, it'd be a different story. Emily wanted badly for their behavior to improve so she wouldn't have to make choices she'd feel terrible for when they got older. Little did the twins realize, Emily would not, in any universe, go easy on them.

Zach sneezed. "Oh honey, do you have a cold?" She asked.

"No." Ryan explained. "He's sick like Mommy."

Emily giggled again. "No guys, you're not sick like mommy, I think you've just got a little bug." She said, placing her hand on Zach's forehead. Zach did the same to her, noting she was warm.

"You're warm too."

"Oh am I warm too?" She teased.

"Do you got the same thing as Mommy?" Ryan asked, the question giving her a moment of pause that was like a spear to her gut.

"No." She managed a small laugh. "Not quite."

Emily got up off her knees; suddenly noticing she was very dizzy. She blinked a few times, gathering herself before taking the twins home.

…

Bob crept into his den, hearing Ryan squeal with glee as he and Zach watched a movie. He hated the fact that his twin nephews were in his den, but Emily claimed it was the easiest way to watch them while she made dinner. Howard was flying and Ellen on was assignment: she wouldn't pick up the twins until late, which met they'd have dinner with their aunt and uncle.

"Hi Uncle Bob!" Zach waived.

"H-hi boys… what are you watching?" He raised an eyebrow, the screen catching his eye.

Bob immediately noted that the twins were watching The Exorcist. The twins stood and started trying to spin, both boys appearing as if they were flying when they were really attempting to move their heads around.

"W-what are you doing?" He asked uncomfortably.

"Why can't we do it?!" Ryan whined.

"Do what?" Bob was partially annoyed partially freaked out.

"Why can't we spin our heads around like that?" Zach asked, pointing at Regan, whose head spun in circles.

"I-I've been wondering that myself boys."

"I like that other movie better." Ryan bit his lip.

"W-what other movie?" Bob raised an eyebrow, wondering why in the hell Howard and Ellen would allow preschoolers to watch this.

"Yeah! Mommy she said she had nightmares about us at the end of the hall, and we're identical too!" Zach excitedly announced.

"Oh…" Bob said flatly.

"Boys… why don't we watch something else? Okay?" He said, changing the channel. The twins were disappointed, but quickly became satisfied with their new viewing selection.

"Yessss!"

"Monster trucks!"

Bob sighed, heading back toward the kitchen.

"Hi honey." Emily smiled, "I heard you come in."

Bob looked up, seeing her for the first time that day. His breath caught in his throat at the very sight of her, and he found himself spellbound.

"What is it honey?" She asked.

"N-nothing you're just… really beautiful today."

"Ooooh." She squealed with surprise at the compliment.

Bob didn't think she was beautiful, there was something about her he couldn't put his finger on: she wasn't just beautiful to him tonight… she was captivating, radiant… glowing. Emily giggled as he came around to greet her, kissing her cheek before wrapping his arms around her from behind and holding her tight. She smiled, leaning into him, and hearing the boys play in the background: pretending they were theirs and that he'd just gotten home from work…. Emily was playing house in her head, but Bob's touch brought her back down to earth. She moaned when she felt him start to kiss her neck.

"Honey." She laughed. "Honey, you can't kiss me like when we've got little kids in the house." She closed her eyes, smiling deeply when she felt him kiss further down her neck. She moaned, arching her neck back further, not wanting to pull away. "Oh Bob…" She finally broke away, leaning up and kissing his lips sweetly.

"I love you Emily." He whispered, his lips brushing hers lightly. "I love you more than anything."

"I love you too." She smiled, kissing him again.

Bob was grateful: thrilled to the depth of his soul that he'd won, once and for all. He could keep his Emily, who he loved more than life itself, as his and his alone: heart, mind, body and soul, for the rest of their days. He kissed her deeply as he listened to the twins play in the background, glad that children like them had not been part of his fate. Instead, he and Emily would be together happily, healthfully and obligation free until they grew old, and into the next life: together. But what the psychologist ironically failed to realize, was that his carefree, loving marriage was not obligation free and that he'd been neglectful of Emily's needs for a long time.

"Auntie Emily! Auntie Emily!" Zach screamed, running into the room and tugging at her skirt.

Emily giggled, pulling away from Bob as he sighed in frustration.

"What sweetheart?" She smiled.

"Auntie, Ryan's being a butthead."

"HEY… We don't say words like that, remember?"

"Oh… " He reconsidered. "He's being a weenie!"

"Oh honey that's not the word either…"

"No I'm not!" Ryan defended as he ran in. "He's making it up!"

"I am not!"

"You two! My little gentlemen don't behave like that. You're brothers. Remember what Auntie told you last week?"

Ashamed, the twins put their heads down, repeating her words verbatim. "That we're brothers and that no matter what happens, we'll always have each other."

Bob rolled his eyes as he watched the kids gather around his wife, their argument stopping in her presence.

"That's right. Now can my boys go wash up?"

They nodded at once as she kissed their cheeks, and ran off to wash up.

"God I'm glad we don't have to deal with that." Bob said.

"Mommy!" They heard the boys squeal in the distance as Ellen came in the door. Bob could see his sister down the hall, who got on her knees to hug the twins.

Emily lowered her head, clutching the kitchen counter. Bob, as insensitive as he was, noticed right away that she was hurt.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." She bit her lip, feigning that she was fine. "I just… Bob… Do you think I would've made a good mommy?"

"Y-yeah the best!"

Emily started to cry, hugging herself tight. "Then why on earth wouldn't you let me have that?" She slammed the utensil drawer shut, and rushed out of the room.

"E-Emily!"