AN: I was drunk as I wrote this, and I am still drunk as I post this. It is unedited. I wonder if it's actually that much different from the stuff I write when I'm sober but we'll see.

Once upon a midnight dreary, Claudette gave nary a fuck.

Fuck.

Well, that was what Mark said on that fateful date.

You see, Claudette, yes this is another one about Claudette's breast cancer never mentioned; well she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and she didn't have very much time left to live. But one thing. One thing was certain of her. She was gonna make damn well sure that her daughter (dotter) was going to end up with the RIGHT MAN. Because Johnny was just the best guy ever, he was so perfect and good. Claudette wanted Johnny herself. Oh his long and luscious hair as black as the heart of a raven (that was also very black). His sexy and mysterious accent. His charming demeanor and how he was oh so wonderful and friendly saying "oh hai" to everyone.

Sure she wanted to fuck Johnny but for her daughter she didn't do that. Because we all know that a grown ass woman can't survive on her own and needs a man to support her because this is the middle fucking ages. Claudette was very old, having been born in such a time, and she accepted that death had come for her. Oh the sweet sweet release of death.

And it would be coming for someone else on that fateful morning.

Mark was in his car being "very busy" whatever that entails. Claudette got a spray can of vinegar and a steak knife. She was going to die soon so she didn't really give a fuck if she went to jail.

"Oh hai Claudette" came a voice from the skies. It was God. (Because Johnny was God.)

"Oh hai God" said Claudette happily. She knew she was doing God's work. With her vicious spray can, she encroached on the car. Mark chatted away obliviously with Lisa on the phone because the power of boners was stronger than the power of reason.

Sheer force broke Claudette through the window and into the car. She released a scream of righteous fury and sprayed the everloving shit out of Mark. Mark screamed in pain and distress as his eyes sizzled and disintegrated.

"Oh bai Mark" murmured Claudette vindictively and stabbed him in the heart 23 times, the amount of times that Julius Caesar and also Euronymous from the Norwegian black metal band Mayhem had been stabbed. "I'm gonna eat your skin"

"Fuck" yelled Mark as he met his maker.

And then Claudette proceeded to skin Mark in the middle of a brightly lit parking lot in the middle of the day. Lisa would never re (I forgot the word but it is a fancy word for meet) Mark again because he was DEAD

The police showed up because Claudette had murdered a man in the middle of a brightly lit parking lot in the middle of the day. However, she dropped dead on the spot because she had a terminal illness, cancer, even though that was definitely not how cancer worked. When you have cancer you die a long and painful death and you lose all your dignity. Okay this is getting dark for a crack fic but I recently lost a relative to cancer so yeah all of Claudette;s relatives are asshole. They don't care about her at all and they just dismiss it. Wow rude. She is trapping Lisa with Johnny and killing her true love so I guess that's some decent enough revenge.

Claudette went to the morgue.

"Oh bai Lisa's Mom" said Denny. "I will fuck your daughter now"

And then Lisa proceeded to cheat on Johnny with Denny in spite of her mother's best wishes and the cause for which she had sacrificed her life. Denny was a creep of course but still. Better than Jonny am I right guys?/?

Well the world may never know because Johnny killed himself anyways once he learned of this. God is dead. Then Johnny went to heaven, but it wasn't Christian heaven. It was Johnny heaven. He excel graphed. He banked but it was confidential. Anyways how is your sex life? He got lots of flowers showered on his grave and got to pet all the dogs in the world. And when Lisa died via gunshot wound (courtesy of everyone's favorite drug dealer, Chris R) five years later she went to The Great Abyss instead of heaven or even Johnny heaven. Denny then died because he couldn't pay for anything. He was broke without his adoptive parents (one of whom he had fucked). Denny went on to live on the streets for a few years but then he got his lucky break as a chef, now he has his own cooking show and he remarried a woman named AAAAAAAAAARSHHH. She is much nicer than Lisa.

And such concludes the story of the room and Claudette's murder of oh hai Mark. There are probably lots of plot points I forgot to wrap up, but I couldn't be fucked to do it because neither could Tommy Wiseau.

Goodnight guys I hope you liked it.