Disclaimer: I do not own copyright to Fullmetal Alchemist, nor make any profit in writing fanfiction. I'm just an ordinary fangirl.
A/N: This is CRACK which means that it isn't supposed to make sense or be sophisticated in any way. This is just me having a bit of fun. The last time I wrote crack I received a few annoying flames, so since I've clarified what "CRACK" means, any flames accusing me of being OOC or "not making sense" will be taken as compliments.
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Fangirls: Guide to Self-preservation (State Alchemist edition).
Why are you reading this? As a state alchemist you need to be aware that you will be the constant target of a specific race amongst our citizens, namely, 'Fangirls'. Although the term is accurate in that most of these people are girls, a sub-division of 'Fanbois' is known to exist.
Early detection of their presence is key in survival. Under clause V, paragraph XV, part VI of the constitute, offensive action towards citizens without provocation is subject to a level 2 discipline from the Annoying But Innocent Citizens Act. Thus, it is advised that the targeted state alchemist avoid the fangirl(s) rather than attack.
Fangirls are mostly aged 13-15 but there are those of their species known to mature before this age while others have been discovered to survive past this age. Studies have shown Fangirls to originate from an Alternate Universe. If you see a girl dressed in clothes unidentifiable to our cultures, a strange vocabulary or accent who fits the above age frame, escape unnoticed. Create a diversion if necessary. Costs for damage will be covered under the SAS Act. (State Alchemist Self-Preservation).
The young males in the state alchemist division have been known to suffer more greatly than that of older recruits. Common factors of past victims include fame, status, effeminate men. (Cross reference cases: The Fullmetal Alchemist, The Flame Alchemist). If that is the case then the solution can be found in a military standard haircut, a moustache and beard.
Fangirls are masters at disguise and will go to the extent of constructing fake state alchemist watches and home-made military uniforms. Do. Not. Be. Fooled. If she approaches you with a predatory or maniac gleam in the eyes, trust your instincts and run for it. They have an intricate intelligence network so do not be surprised or alarmed if the fangirl targeting you holds unexplained vast amounts of confidential knowledge regarding military affairs or your private life. Task comfort in the fact that as they are your FANgirls, they are unlikely to sell their information to your arch nemesis.
Regarding habitats: they can be found in the shadows of your local neighbourhood. Do not underestimate them, for fangirls have been sighted under office desks, closets, cupboards and under beds. The following are real case studies that have been recorded and included in this guide for your use as possible danger scenarios:
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Monday xx/xx/xxxx
Scribe: Ug Lee
Subject: Edward Elric (The Fullmetal Alchemist)
At 11:35pm the subject returned home to his dorm, flung his clothes onto the nearest chair and headed for the shower.
At 11:43pm as the water was running in the shower, the subject heard "a girly voice singing" from the wall beyond his currently naked body. He identified a few words such as "Ready steady can't hold me back."
At 12:05pm the subject left his shower sooner than planned due to the uncomfortable thought that there would be a naked singing girl on the other side of the wall. As he entered the kitchen still naked the doorbell rung and the same girly voice he heard singing in the shower called out, "Is anyone home? Helloooo?"
The scribe notes that further accounts could not be name due to the indiscernible mutterings of the victim/subject.
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From the above case study, one and only one response should be drawn- and that response is neither 'potential free sex' nor 'Noone's home, go away.' No mere human would be able to finish a shower, get dressed, lock their own dorm room and get to the front door of your dorm room before you, the bloody human weapon, have crossed only halfway across the room. The solution employed by Mr. Elric in this case was optimum. He sealed off the front door with alchemy along with the bathroom door. Creating an exit in the ceiling, Mr. Elric escaped onto the roof of the military lodge and into the night.
A lesson to be learnt from Mr. Elric's unfortunate encounter is to trust one's instincts. Although no explanation has yet been found, state alchemists have been discovered to have an internal fangirl radar of sorts. When in the target range of a fangirl, the state alchemist will experience sensations that have been described to be like an icy cold hand rubbing up your spine, an itch at the back of your neck and miniature dwarves in your head stabbing at your brain with garden forks.
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YAOI Fangirls are a subcategory within the species and differ from the defined main branch in that they will not latch themselves onto you like a hound after prey or leech after your blood. Rather, they display similar characteristics to that of butterflies as their sole purpose in life is to pair up pretty boys just as butterflies spread pollen for pretty flowers.
Logically, yaoi fangirls should be avoided if one demonstrates that one is strictly heterosexual by frequently dating women, marrying a fair maiden and producing endearing offspring with said maiden. Unfortunately, yaoi fangirls do not follow such logic, thus, it would be imprudent to lower one's guard simply because the above factors are fulfilled in some way. Major Hughes and the Flame Alchemist are perfect examples of yaoi fangirl un-logic. The Roy x Hughes Yaoi Fanclub is a recommended reference point and should clarify any confusion of the threat yaoi fangirls impose on heterosexual make state alchemist. If endangered by this breed of fangirls and if you are either Roy Mustang or Maes Hughes, please call our free 24/7 helpline on: 1400 ZOMG-YAOI.
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Being an officer with the status of Major or above, it is your responsibility to protect your subordinates from fangirls and to ensure that they are capable of protecting themselves should you be absent to do so. Close surveillance of the office environment is essential and when believed necessary, direct intervention during after office hours is permitted. Cameras, microphones and all related military issue spy equipment are reimbursed through the military budget if:
1) It is used strictly for the close examination of subordinates directly under your command.
2) It is used for an issue that is directly related to The Fangirl Threat.
3) It is formally documented and filed for report to financial management sector of your area.
If you should discover a tiny voice in your head that accuses you of "invading your subordinate's privacy", or "interfering with their personal life", or "destroying their chances at finding a girlfriend because they've all been eliminated as potential fangirls", or other similar accusations, please see the designated military psychiatrist to your area. The military guarantees that you will not be brainwashed and promises to remove that annoying weakling called "Conscience".
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If it has become known that you have made contact with a fangirl and no further information of your situation is discovered, you will be classified as MIA. Be sure to contact your CO or fellow soldiers within 5 days of your fangirl misadventure. In conclusion, if you are a male state alchemist aged 15-30, and reasonably attractive, please complete and formalise your will and name your next of kin should you be so unfortunate as to meet a fangirl. (Processing fees and costs are insured).
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A/N: And just when I thought I'd never write another piece of fanfiction…
This piece of writing is the product of pure madness. Please review! It's been over a year since I last wrote anything. Did you like it? Hate it? My sense of humour spits like a camel?