SPOILER WARNING: Never Again; Triangle
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNING: Some of the imagery might be disturbing to somepeople.
CLASSIFICATION: MSR
SUMMARY: VRA
Jump
by Brandon D. Ray
"Come on, Mulder -- let's walk back to the hotel."
"Walk?" Fox Mulder hurried after his partner as she strode purposefullytowards the exit of the Veterans' Hospital. They'd spent most ofthe last three days in this building, investigating reports of an apparenthaunting, only to have the whole thing come crashing down when the "mysteriousvoices" turned out to be a couple of employees carrying on a secret loveaffair. All of which left Mulder feeling more than a little frustratedat having having had to admit that one of his theories had been provenwrong. And on top of it all it was past midnight and he just wantedto stretch out somewhere and try to get some rest --
"Yes, walk," she said, slowing only briefly to allow the automatic slidingdoors to get out of her way. "We haven't had nearly enough exercisethis week."
"But what about the rental car?"
"It'll still be here in the morning, and we can walk back and pick itup. The exercise --"
"-- will be good for us." He sighed, then gasped slightly as theystepped outside and the cold wind hit them. "Scully," he said, "it'scold out here."
"It's nearly forty degrees," she replied, leading the way through theparking lot and towards the street. "And this is Iowa and it's January. That means it could very easily be forty degrees BELOW zero. Lookedat from that perspective, this is positively balmy."
"There's something wrong with that logic, but I'm too tired to figureit out," he complained. He almost bumped into her as she suddenlystopped at the foot of the driveway. He backed off a step or twoand watched as she looked first one way and then the other. It seemedas if she wasn't sure which way to go, and finally he said, "Left. The hotel is to the left."
She turned and looked at him over her shoulder, and arched an eyebrowat him. "Thanks, Mulder. I wasn't sure which way, but now Iam." And she turned resolutely to the right, and again he had tohurry to catch up with her.
"Scully," he said, trying hard not to sound as if he were whining. "Scully, we're going the wrong way."
"No we're not," she replied over her shoulder. "The hotel's thisway." She looked back to the front and pointed. "See? There's the river already."
Mulder peered ahead in the darkness and saw that she was right. He sighed and ran a few steps, finally catching up with her and fallinginto step as they came to a curve in the road they were following. The bridge across the river loomed a few hundred yards ahead, and he tooksome comfort in that as he realized that it meant they were only eightor ten blocks from the hotel.
The two friends walked in silence for a few minutes, while Mulder triedto figure out what had gotten into his partner. She'd been actingstrange for a couple of weeks now, and for the life of him he couldn'tfigure out what was going on inside that mind of hers. It sort ofreminded him of how she'd behaved before that fiasco in Philadelphia twoyears ago -- there was the same feeling of wildness and lack of control-- but at the same time it was different. It was almost as if thistime she was turning TOWARDS him rather than AWAY from him....
He cut the thought off firmly. He'd long ago given up on thinkingabout that particular extreme possibility. He knew he was in lovewith Dana Scully; he'd known it for a long time. Years. Buthe'd given her ample opportunity to demonstrate whether or not she sharedthose feelings -- including a flat out declaration of his love as he layin a hospital bed last fall -- and she had chosen not to pursue the matter. So be it. He could content himself with her friendship. Thatin itself was a gift beyond price.
The highway they were following had turned and was now paralleling theriver. There was very little traffic, and no other pedestrians atall, and it was easy to believe that they were the only people awake inthe entire city. Mulder had always liked that feeling -- the feelingof quiet and solitude that fell over a city late at night. It wasone of the big reasons he had become such a night owl -- because it wasone of the more effective ways he had of escaping from the sometimes smotheringburden of interacting with his fellow human beings.
Except for Scully, of course. She was never a burden to him.
At length they came to the Burlington Street bridge, and Mulder followedin silence as his partner turned left and led them out onto the bridgeand over the river. He was so lost in his own ruminations that fora moment he did not notice that she was no longer walking at his side.
He stopped walking and turned and looked back the way they had come. He was roughly halfway across the bridge, and she was about ten yards behindhim, leaning against the railing and looking out over the water. Mulder stood looking at her for a moment, and for what must have been atleast the thousandth time in their association he found himself lost inadmiration for her. She was so strong and self-assured, and so intelligent. That was what had really attracted him to her in the first place, he thought-- her driving, uncompromising intelligence, and her dedication to thetruth. Not that she didn't have other desireable qualities --
"Come look at the water with me," she called, cutting him off in mid-thought,and he realized he'd been standing there staring at her, and he hurriedforward to join her at the railing and turned and looked out over the river.
It really was lovely tonight, he had to admit. Mulder was notone to be overly ga-ga over "the wonders of nature", and in his more introspectivemoments he was able to admit, at least to himself, that this was due atleast in part to his own self-absorption. But the sight of the waterflowing along in its banks, rushing towards them and disappearing underthe bridge beneath their feet, seemed dark and mysterious, and more thana little exciting, and for a few minutes he just leaned against the railingnext to his partner, looking out at the water.
"I've always loved running water," Scully said at last, her voice softand dreamy. "It's always seemed special somehow; magic. Youdon't know where it's been, and you don't know where it's going. All you know is the few brief seconds it takes to flow past you, and thenit's gone." She paused for a moment, and Mulder glanced at her. She was still staring out across the water, her face soft and open. Her eyes seemed to be looking at things that no one else could see, andfor some reason he felt his pulse quicken at the realization.
She started speaking again. "But we're really on the wrong sideof the bridge, you know?" She turned her head briefly to glance athim, and then looked back to the water. "We shouldn't be lookingupstream; looking upstream means looking into the past, and while thatcan be interesting and sometimes necessary, it isn't really what humansought to spend most of their time doing."
Suddenly she turned away from the river and strode quickly out acrossthe six lane highway running across the bridge. Mulder felt his eyebrowsshoot up in surprise, and he turned and ran after her, glancing quicklyboth ways to make sure that no cars were coming. He caught up withher just as she reached the sidewalk on the other side, and in anotherinstant the two of them were leaning against the rail on that side, andstaring out over the water again.
"This is where we really belong," Scully said as Mulder struggled tocatch his breath. "This is the way we ought to be looking. Downstream. Always downstream. Looking downstream means you'relooking towards the future." She paused for a moment, then liftedher arm and pointed. "See? The water flows out from under thebridge. We don't know where it's been or how it got here, but itdoesn't really matter. It flows out from under the bridge, and thenit flows over the dam and past the power plant, and after that there'sa bend in the river and we can no longer see where it goes, but in ourminds we already know."
She turned and looked at him inquiringly, seemingly asking him if hewas following her. Mulder nodded slowly; he was too fascinated atthe idea of exploring this unexpected side of Dana Scully to ask her tostop, and after a moment she nodded back, and then turned to look out overthe water again.
"The water flows past the power plant," she repeated. "And thenit disappears from our line of sight. But that doesn't mean it'sgone. The water is still out there, still flowing, still going places. And after awhile the river empties into a bigger river, and then perhapsthat river empties into a still bigger river. And finally the waterfinds its way to the sea."
Mulder nodded again slowly, although he knew she wasn't looking at him. The sea had always been a powerful symbol for her; he knew that much. At least in part it was because it stood in her mind for her father, butnow he was coming to suspect that there was even more to it than that. He didn't know what the sea meant to her, exactly, but he knew it was somethingimportant. Something vital.
"Are you ever tempted to jump?"
He turned and looked at her, surprised at the sudden apparent changein topic. She had turned away from the water, and now was lookingup at him intently, searching his face, looking for...something.
"Jump?" he asked. "Jump where?"
She continued to look at him, staring up into his eyes in the darkness,and suddenly he felt a chill race down his spine. "Jump into thewater," she replied at last. "Over the railing and into the water. When you're walking over a bridge, or standing at the rail of a ship, aren'tyou ever tempted just to climb over the rail and jump?"
He thought about that one for a moment. He suddenly wasn't sosure he liked the direction the conversation was heading after all, buthe had long since given up lying to her. Finally, he said, "Of courseI have. That's a natural urge. I get the same feeling sometimeswhen I'm on the observation deck of a tall building. It can be avery seductive feeling, just to let go like that. But I don't doit."
She nodded thoughtfully, and continued to look into his face for justanother moment before turning to look back out over the water again. "It is seductive," she agreed. "Very, very seductive, sometimes." There was just a hint of amusement in her voice, and Mulder wasn't at allsure he liked that, either. She was acting really strange this evening;she was saying some really strange, unScullylike things, and she was startingto worry him.
He cleared his throat. "Scully? Shouldn't we be gettingback to the hotel? It's almost one in the morning." She didn'tseem to hear him, and after a minute he said, "Scully?"
"When you jump you lose control," she said. "You completely losecontrol. Gravity takes over, and a few seconds later you plunge intothe water, and for just an instant you think you might sink all the wayto the bottom and drown. But then the water buoys you up and supportsyou, and it carries you away. But still you have no control. You have to go wherever the water takes you. Over the dam and pastthe power plant, and on and on and on, past towns and villages, into thebigger river and then the still bigger river, and finally all the way tothe sea."
"Scully?" This was really starting to bother him. He wishedshe would stop; he wished she would snap out of whatever state she wasin. He couldn't ever remember seeing her like this, and he didn'tlike it.
"You'd float awhile in the shallows," she went on, softly, dreamily. "You'd be pulled this way and that by the eddies and currents close tothe shore. You might eventually be washed up on the beach, and thatwould be too bad. But if you were lucky....if you were lucky you'dfinally drift out of sight of land, and be lost in the vastness of theocean."
"Scully," he said, carefully suppressing the nervousness from his voice. "Scully, please stop. You're starting to scare me a little."
She was silent for a moment, her expression unreadable. Finally,she said, "You should be scared, Mulder. You're right to be scared. I'm thinking some very dangerous thoughts tonight, and it's only naturalthat you should be scared." She turned to look at him again, andher voice grew even softer, and Mulder had to strain to hear her. "If I decided to do something dangerous, Mulder, would you let me do it? If I decided to jump, right now, would you try to stop me? Or wouldyou let me go?"
"I...I guess that would depend on the circumstances," he said. "I value your friendship; you know that. I would hate to lose that." He thought about it for a moment, and tried to keep the fear he felt atthe direction the conversation was taking from overwhelming him. "I guess if I was sure you understood what you were doing, I'd have tolet you go." She continued to look at him, and another thought cameunbidden, and before he had a chance to second guess himself he added,"Maybe I'd jump with you."
Still she looked up at him, and again seemed to be searching his face. At last, she nodded slowly. "That's a good answer, Mulder. That's a very good answer." And she turned and looked out over thewater again.
After another minute of silence she started speaking again. "Wecan change the course of the river, you know." Her voice now helda meditative quality. "Obviously, we can change the course of theriver." She gestured downstream. "There's the dam, for instance-- but that's a big change, obvious to anyone. The other changesare less obvious." She suddenly squatted down and felt along thepavement, finally standing up again and holding out her hand to show himthat she'd found a small stone before turning and flinging it out intothe river.
"See?" she said. "I just changed the course of the river. Now the stone will settle to the bottom, and the water will have to flowaround it instead of flowing straight through the space it now occupies. That will set up eddies and side currents, and before very long the entireriver will be changed, different. You won't be able to measure it;no one will ever be able to see the difference in the river. Butthe river will be changed nonetheless, and all because of the stone I choseto throw into the water."
Mulder nodded. "Chaos theory," he said.
Scully nodded as well, still staring out at the rushing water. "That's right. A butterfly beating its wings in Peking can causea thunderstorm in New York, and no one can ever make the connection, becausethere are just too many variables."
She fell silent for a moment, and her hands began caressing the railingthey were leaning against.. Then she said, "It's one of the wonderfulthings about being human, isn't it? That we can make deliberate changesin the things around us. It's such a wonderful gift, and often weuse it so unwisely." She turned her head and looked at him untilhe nodded in assent, and then she turned to look back at the water again. "We can make deliberate changes," she said. "But we can never anticipateall the consequences of those changes. I think that's why we makeso many bad decisions; because we don't know what the future holds, andthat makes us afraid. But being afraid is no excuse for making baddecisions, is it?"
Mulder shook his head, and then realized that she wasn't looking athim and therefore hadn't seen the gesture. "No," he said. "No,it isn't." He was startled to discover that somewhere in the lastfew minutes his fear had evaporated, and now he was suffused with a feelingof acceptance. Whatever was about to happen was about to happen,and he would stay with the ride to the very end. Good or bad.
"There are so many possibilities in the future," she said. "Inthe next five minutes, anything can happen. Anything at all." She turned her head again and glanced briefly up at him, and then lookedaway, back once again to the rushing water. "The most likely possibility,of course, is that we'll talk for a few more minutes, and then we'll turnand finish walking across the bridge and back up the hill to the hotel. And we'll go to our respective rooms and try to get some sleep, and inthe morning we'll go to the airport and fly back to Washington. That'sthe most likely future for us, wouldn't you say?"
"I suppose so," Mulder said.
"There are other possibilities, though," she went on. "Perhapson our way back to the hotel we'll be hit by a drunk driver and left todie. Or perhaps we'll be found in time and rushed to the emergencyroom, where the doctors and nurses will struggle to save our lives. And perhaps they'll succeed. Or perhaps they won't."
"I suppose that's possible, too," he agreed, keeping his voice carefullyneutral. She was starting to scare him again, but something toldhim it would be best to keep that to himself for the moment.
"Then there are the other possibilities," she said, turning away fromthe water to face him. There was a sense of finality to her movement,and he suddenly realized, somehow, that the conversation was almost over. "The really extreme possibilities. We could be struck by a meteor. Or we could be abducted by little gray men from Reticula. Or we coulddecide to go for a long, long walk out in the country, and not come backuntil dawn, and then the possibilities really begin to open up." She paused for just a moment, and took a step closer to him, and she reachedout and laid a gentle hand on one of his where it rested on the railing. "Or we could decide to jump."
Mulder stood absolutely still, staring down at her, barely breathing. Her eyes were dark and unreadable, and her expression....her expressionwas indescribable. He wasn't getting anything off of her, not anythingat all. She seemed to be poised. Waiting.
Finally he said, very softly, "Yes. Yes, we could jump."
She nodded slightly in apparent approval. "I want to jump, Mulder. I've been walking across bridges my entire life, and now I want to jump. But I don't want to be alone. Will you jump with me?" And shetook another step towards him, until their bodies were almost touching.
"Yes, Scully. Of course I'll jump with you. You know that."
And again she nodded slightly, and for just an instant the air betweenthem seemed to crackle with electricity. And then she went up onher toes and kissed him, and Mulder felt himself being swept up and away,almost as if they were floating over the rail and then falling down towardsthe rushing water below. In another instant they would plunge intothe water and plummet towards the bottom, still locked in an embrace, andperhaps they would never come up. Perhaps they would drown. But he was in her arms, at last, and he couldn't make himself care aboutanything other than the woman he was kissing.
After a timeless interval their lips separated, and Mulder realizedthat he'd slipped his arms around her as well, and now was holding herclose against him. He looked down at her and smiled, and she smiledback up at him. "See?" she said. "That wasn't so bad."
"I never thought it would be," he replied, and then he released herand took her hand, and they turned and walked on across the bridge andup the hill to the hotel. And the water buoyed them both up, andcarried them over the dam and past the power plant, on and on and on, pastthe towns and villages, into the bigger river and then the still biggerriver, and finally all the way to the sea.
Fini