When Rylie turned from the galaxy map, she came face to face with Miranda and Thane. At first she felt a rush of happiness to see them. She wanted to jump Thane and kiss him. Though that lift of a good mood faded fast when she really looked at them. The two were in their nightwear and they stared at her in shock at what had just happened. An entire star system was gone, hundreds of thousands wiped out. Rylie knew they wanted to ask about it but she didn't want to answer just yet. Not with some of the staff present that were kidnapped by Collectors. To announce that the Reapers were here may traumatize them more than they already were. It seemed best to keep the situation low key till she could at least catch her breath.
"I assume everything went fine while I was gone?" Rylie asked.
"Yes, everything was splendid," Miranda said, "What happened on your end that you've been missing for days and had to wipe out an entire system?"
"I'll answer that in my report and call for a meeting later to discuss it. The situation at the moment is to remain confidential Lawson," Rylie began to step down.
"This will be difficult to keep confidential, Shepard," Miranda said.
"You can do it," Rylie patted Miranda's shoulder as she passed, "I need a shower."
"You may wish to go to visit with Dr. Chakwas first," Thane said.
"I'll go see her later," Rylie said.
"But you're..."
Rylie immediately interrupted him, "I'm fine, I've got work to..."
"You are bleeding!" Thane snapped. Rylie spun around angry by his tone of voice. Then she looked down at the small trail of blood that led from her right to the galaxy map. There was a gash in her suit on the upper part of her right hip. Dry blood dotted her armor and belt. It was something she received from Dr. Kenson's attempted suicide. Any other time, Rylie would have tried harder to talk the person down, but when the indoctrinated doctor pulled that detonator out Rylie shot her without hesitation. Then the bomb went off anyways. She had used medi-gel to seal the wound and did a emergency patch job on the suit. It was a poor job in her rush to get off the asteroid but it at least survived the vacuum of space.
"I'll be fine. It doesn't even hurt," Rylie shrugged it off.
Miranda grabbed Rylie's arm and lifted it, "You look like you were stabbed with a butcher knife," she leaned in to inspect the gash, "That is a reopened wound after you used medigel, you've got something in there. I already called Chakwas to her lab in case you needed medical attention. You are going now," she began to drag Rylie into the elevator and Thane followed. As though the privacy of the elevator would encourage her to talk, Thane asked in a low voice:
"What happened?"
"The usual," Rylie said.
"The usual does not involve killing innocent people," Thane said, "Why didn't you report back?"
"I need to breathe, Thane, please," Rylie warned. His face became stone cold as he straightened out. Miranda and Thane were the only ones that had knowledge of what this solo mission was about. To everyone else it was classified. Miranda knew out of necessity. Rylie had to make sure someone on the Normandy knew what was going on and why she couldn't bring anyone along. Thane knew because she gave him permission to use her room whenever he wanted. When Rylie went to speak with Hackett privately, she didn't realize Thane was meditating on the couch. The discussion that followed showed that this might have been a bit of a trial for them. He didn't openly oppose her going alone, but his eyes spoke volumes that he was uncomfortable about it.
"I'll be fine. I'll sneak in, get her out and be back in a day," Rylie said.
"I know you will," he smiled.
The smile seemed genuine enough that he had complete confidence in her. When she first met him, his face seemed too alien and unreadable. In the months she had come to know him and in the little time they had taken their relationship seriously, she found herself getting the hang of reading his face. Every twitch at the corner of his lips, every flicker of his eyes, she was starting to see more going. Now in the elevator, even though he was stiff as a board, she could tell he was tired and stressed. It wasn't lack of confidence at all, he was just worried.
Miranda also displayed the cold persona she was famed for. But Rylie knew better with her too. Miranda wouldn't have bothered to drag Rylie to the elevator if she didn't care. Not returning in a timely manner probably not only worried the former Cerberus operative but had the entire crew bugging her for what was going on. For the duration of that time she probably behaved as though nothing was wrong even though everything was. Worse of all, Miranda couldn't really plan a rescue mission when it was obvious that Rylie was missing. Rylie had mentioned wanting to investigate the reaper artifact after rescuing Kenson, but did not bother to report back the location of the thing.
It was becoming more and more clear that Rylie had made one of the biggest mistakes in her life. She got too caught up in seeing the Reaper artifact Kenson had found. There didn't seem to be any danger in a few extra hours away to feed her curiosity with an Alliance run project. To see if a plan to destroy an entire star system was warranted enough. If she had taken just a few minutes to contact the Normandy and tell Miranda where she was heading for pick up in a few hours, the whole thing would have been solved days ago.
The weight on her shoulders doubled as her mind spiraled into the survivors guilt she had spent years dealing with. Only this was worse than surviving Akuze. No one could possibly tell her this time it wasn't her fault that everyone died. This wasn't just a simple failure on her part, a mistake wasn't the word for it. This was a clear headed decision that led to the total annihilation of a colony in order to protect millions. There is always another way and this time there was just a small window for it, in which she messed up.
"You want to judge me? Look in the mirror," Vasir's voice never seemed to burn more.
The three stepped out of the elevator quietly, though as they turned the corner towards the medical lab Rylie felt the Normandy spin under her feet. She put her hand against the wall and leaned her head into it, her armor pulling her down. She could feel both Thane and Miranda grab her before she completely collapsed. She recognized the feeling that came over her now.
"I was in this zone for the whole hour," Rylie said, "That worm thing flipped me and cut my face open on the ground and I didn't feel it. Didn't even knock me out. Then after I get the shuttle into orbit, I'm was just in incredible pain, puked and passed out."
"Endorphins," Doctor Andrix smiled, "The body's own homemade morphine. Takes care of any pain you're feeling and makes you stronger, more resultant. Evolutions way of helping the human race survive extreme situations. When you relaxed and were safe, the endorphins went away. You passed out. The vomiting was your own stress reaction."
The pain Rylie felt now was the same pain all over, an ache that reminded her of every plasma hit, grenade explosion, every pound of her feet hitting the ground. Her head was throbbing and now her hip was in excoriating pain. Then she dry heaved. She hadn't eaten in a while, there was nothing to puke, but she still got that awful taste in her mouth from whatever fluid did come up. There was one thing different from post-Akuze. Instead of completely blacking out next, the visions made a return.
The same old flashes of metal and flesh, screams, destruction and death. Then something new. A much more personal attack. A reaper running through the Citadel, destroying everything and attacking everyone that she cared for. Thane, Miranda, Chakwas, Kaidan, everyone. She could do nothing but watch helplessly as they were brutally killed. Crushed, melted down and turned to dust.
No, please no!
When she came back to reality she was lying down on her side, her entire body was numb and everything bright white except for a green blur not too far from her.
"Thane?" she whispered. The green blur moved, coming more into focus. It was his arm, he was standing over her.
"Don't move," his voice rumbled softly as he put his hand on her face.
"Please, don't move Shepard," Chakwas warned from somewhere.
"What is going on in there? Is she okay?" came Tali's voice over a com.
"She is fine, her injuries are being attended to," Miranda responded, "Now if you don't mind..."
"Just tell us what the hell happened?" Garrus asked over the com, "Where has she been?"
"Again, I am not at liberty to discuss that right now," Miranda responded, "We will have..."
"An entire batarian colony was destroyed this morning," Jacob spoke up next, "did she have anything to do with that?"
"...We will have a meeting when the Commander is in better condition for it," Miranda said with a more annoyed tone, "I ask that you all have patience until then and leave the Commander in peace for now. EDI, block communications with the med lab now."
"Communications blocked until further notice," EDI said.
"I almost have the last shard out," Chakwas said.
"Good. Then we can move her to her room before anyone else wakes," Miranda said. From the sound of heels clicking on the floor, she had the chance to change into uniform. In Rylie's slowly clearing vision though, Thane was still in his sleepwear.
"What happened?" Rylie asked.
"You had some shards of metal in your hip," Chakwas said, "The rest of your armor did its job and protected you from the explosion you experienced. Just this point on your hip, the metal managed to burn right through your under suit ," there was a small clatter before Chakwas continued, "And that was the last one."
"As always, thank you Doctor," Rylie said.
"Of course Commander. I'll seal the wound back up and in another ten minutes the sedative should wear off," Chakwas said. There was a short hissing noise and Rylie's hip was numbly tugged a few times, "I do have one question though. Are the visions back? You were showing some unusual brain readings again."
"Yes. They are," Rylie said weakly, "Object Rho zapped me like the prothean beacons did. It's how Kenson captured me. They were indoctrinated by it and tried to sedate me for two days."
"Fortunately the cybernetics I put in you did their job ," Miranda said, "I'm sure the visions are the same old warning, so we don't need to hear anymore."
"Not a warning," Rylie's voice cracked a little.
"Not a warning?" Thane asked.
"It was a hello," she said as she patted Thane's hand. The silence in the room was heavy, but Rylie continued anyways, "Kenson and her team had planned to throw that rock at that relay to slow the Reapers down. They were going to warn the Batarians in time. When the team became indoctrinated they weren't going through with it any longer till I showed up. A year at the most and the Reapers will be everywhere."
"Oh God, " Chakwas gasped, "What are we going to do?" Rylie pressed her lips together hard when she realized she had opened her mouth in a semi-drugged state.
"Nothing," Rylie said.
"Nothing? We can't do nothing," Chakwas raised her voice.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have talked about that in front of you," Rylie rolled onto her back to look at Chakwas. All she saw instead was a light blur she could only assume was the doctor, "Then again the truth would have come out soon enough. I've spared as much time as I can for the galaxy. There's nothing we can do now till the Reapers make their first move."
"Don't say that," Chakwas said, "What's wrong with you, this isn't the Shepard I know. Millions are going to die if you don't do something!"
"Oh believe me, I want to do everything I can to stop them," Rylie's voice cracked again, "We could try to figure out what relay the Reapers will try to use next. It's just half the galaxy is probably going to be breathing down my neck for what I did long before we figure that out. For all we know there is another uncharted relay just like the Mu Relay that they're going for. Even if we do manage to find the next relay, what are we going to do then? Throw another rock at it? There's just nothing to do but keep warning everyone and wait."
"We should have kept the collector base," Miranda said.
"No. That would have been bad," Rylie said.
"You destroyed it out of superstitious fear and because you hate the Illusive Man," Miranda said.
"Superstitious fear!" Rylie shouted, "Miranda have you been paying attention at all? Didn't you see what happened to those people on that derelict reaper? Didn't you hear what I just said about Dr. Kenson and her team? The same thing would have happened on that base. The Illusive Man would have abused it for research that would just hurt more people."
"We should have taken the risk," Miranda argued, "The Reapers are on our doorstep and we have absolutely nothing."
"We can we still fight them," Rylie said.
"With what?" Miranda asked.
"Everything that everyone has, down to tooth and nail," Rylie said.
"No one will listen to you. They'll put you in chains first for terrorism," Miranda said.
"I'm going to keep warning them anyways. I need to write a report on what happened to give to Hackett," Rylie said.
"Are you going to turn yourself in?" Thane asked.
"No," Rylie shook her head, "Hell no."
"Why not?" Thane asked.
"I joined the Alliance to keep myself out of prison. I'm not about to let them put me in prison when I did the right thing to try to protect everyone," Rylie said.
"If you want to run it would be smarter not to write your damn report," Miranda said, "You blew up any evidence of being there and they'll have a difficult time pinning it on you."
"I've got to tell them what I did and why. I've got to warn them," Rylie said.
"Then running will not be in your favor," Thane said, "It'll only make things worse considering the poor relations humans and batarians already have."
"It was a trap, I did everything I could and people still died. I am not going to prison over that," Rylie started to sit up but Thane caught her trying to slow her down, "Will ya cut it out!" she shoved him away and then put her hand on her forehead as she waited for the head rush to pass,"I need to go write that report."
By the time she realized what she did, he was already at the med lab door unlocking it, "Thane, wait a minute!" Rylie scooted to the edge of the bed and stepped down only to fall flat on her face. When she looked back up he was gone. The door shut and locked, "God damn it," she pushed herself up on her knees and rubbed her forehead feeling her head throb again.
"You deserved that," Miranda said. Chakwas came up beside Rylie to help her back up into the bed. All the while the Commander glared over at Miranda sitting at Chakwas's desk, "It was good that he knew where you were. He was remarkably calm while you were gone. If he hadn't remained calm, I think the rest of the crew would have been more difficult to deal with. They looked at him, he wasn't worried, so they didn't worry. Except when we talked in private the second day you were missing. Then his true concerns came out," Miranda stood up, "Anyways, you must be famished. I'll have a meal sent up to your room. I look forward to reading your report, Commander" She turned and left the room without another word. Chakwas flashed a light into Rylie's eyes.
"Why did I do that? He was just worried about me," Rylie said.
"You're used to handling these sort of things alone, not having someone coddle you," Chakwas said as she walked over to the sink to wash her hands, "He was once too though, I'm sure he understands. You broke him out of his shell and he let you into his difficult world. He just wants to return the favor. You really should talk to him as soon as you can."
"Later, I have to write this report," Rylie said.
"That report isn't going to give a damn about how you feel and think," Chakwas spoke harshly.
"What I feel and think won't matter when the Reapers find another relay," Rylie said.
"You've always been so selfless," Chakwas picked up a neatly folded uniform from another bed and brought it over to Rylie, " Save everyone else first, not worry about yourself. That's why you died," Chakwas helped Rylie get the medical gown off, "Remember when I asked you how you were feeling. You said the heroic, idealistic thing you always do. Everyone is counting on us. And with what you've just said... not doing anything, not turning yourself in. It's not like you."
"I'm not giving up, I'm just not perfect," Rylie said pulling the uniform shirt over her head, "I... need to breathe."
"I have faith still that you did this for all the right reasons, even though it cost so much. You are saying the things that you are saying and you insist on writing this report all because you feel guilt," Chakwas handed Rylie the uniform pants which she immediately put on. The sedative had finally worn off and she could stand on her feet again, "Writing the report will only give you temporary relief. Just give Thane a chance to support you through this, take a breather with him. The two of you have little time left. You're going to regret not talking to him while you have the chance."
"How bad is he now..." Rylie asked.
"He's stable but in pain. He's got too much pride to admit it," Chakwas said, "When you shoved him he winced pretty badly."
"God damn it, I'm an idiot," Rylie said.
"Go rectify that," Chakwas said, "Then make sure you eat something. Come back to me later so that I may do a routine checkup just in case. I didn't see any other unusual readings, I don't think Object Rho did anything else to you, but you never know."
"Yes," Rylie nodded. Then she pulled Chakwas into a hug, "Thank you."
"Uh...you're welcome Commander," Chakwas chuckled a little as she hugged Rylie back. Rylie let go and began to walk away but stopped when she heard Chakwas let out a sigh.
"Are you going to be alright," Rylie asked looking back.
"Yes. I've always wondered what it would be like should the Reapers actually come, " Chakwas said, "At least you have given us plenty of warning and more time. There is a lot of preparing we must do. I'll be ready for it though."
"Okay, but if you need anything just tell me," Rylie said.
"Go take care of your needs first, then worry about me," Chakwas said.
As Rylie finally stepped out of the med bay, she looked towards the mess hall which seemed to hush as soon as she did. Along with the few former Cerberus crew, there was Garrus, Tali, Mordin and Zaeed. The awkward silence finally ended when Tali spoke up.
"Are you alright Shepard?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine for now," Rylie said as she continued to walk.
"We don't sacrifice lives for the sake of the mission, eh?" Zaeed said after her, "How's that working for ya?"
Shut up you old fuck. Rylie walked the path that went directly behind the elevator.
"That was just a tad much Zaeed," Garrus said.
"Oh, what was it you just said to Jacob. I hope she has a good excuse after all her preaching or something?" Zaeed said.
"I did not say that, you're twisting my words," Garrus said.
"I'm sorry. My hearing must be going bad then," Zaeed said. As she passed the elevator, Rylie reached her hand out making the doors open and shut. Then she stood outside the door to life support. The mess hall seemed to relax with the thought she had left and returned to the low rumble of conversation. She didn't pay attention to what they were saying. She was stuck on the life support door's green lit holo. Thane hadn't locked himself in, he was waiting for her. Her mind raced on what she was going to say to him, how she should approach this without saying something else stupid.
Just be open about it. It will make you feel better. You know that.
"Shep! You're back!" came Kasumi's voice. Rylie winced and looked down the hallway to see Kasumi and Samara coming from the women's restroom.
"It's good to see you made a safe return," Samara smiled.
"Is something the matter?" Kasumi asked, eyeing Thane's door.
"Hah!" Zaeed's laugh echoed the hall.
"I'm calling a meeting later," Rylie said.
"Uh...okay, this must be a bad time, see you at that meeting," Kasumi said. Both she and Samara walked down the curved hallway out of sight. Rylie finally opened the door to life support and walked in. Like so many times before, there Thane sat with his back to her at that table.
"Do you want to talk?" she asked.
"I think the better question is do you want to talk?" Thane asked without turning.
"I do," Rylie walked around the table and sat across from him, folding her hands on the table and staring directly into his eyes. She took a deep breath and began, "I'm sorry. I know that you were just worried about me. I should have handled myself better when I came back. I didn't even act like I was happy to see you again. I barely even acknowledged you and I kept pushing you away. I don't know why I shoved you like that. I want you to know that this was not how I really felt about seeing you again...I just..."
"I know what it's like on the other side now," Thane said, "Waiting and worrying. Unsure if you will return at all, and if you do, will you be okay."
"I'm sorry," Rylie said.
"And I know it's only going to become worse now after what has happened," Thane said.
"I'm so sorry," Rylie said.
"But I have experienced what it's like on your side," Thane continued, " I know how much it matters to have someone stay yours despite everything. To wait for you to come home and welcome you, even if you are not in the best state for that welcome. Even if its days, weeks, months at a time that I'll be waiting."
"Thank you..." Rylie swallowed hard. He reached out and took her hands in his own, "Thank you so much," Rylie squeezed his hands tight, "After I..." she pointed at her right quickly, then grabbed his hand again, "...woke up from that explosion. I heard alarms blaring and this warning, 'Collision Imminent.' There was absolutely nothing else I could do, all communications were still down and there was half an hour left to get off that rock. All I could think about was getting back to you. I wanted to hear your voice again, hear you call me Siha. I wanted to see you smile, and hold you and feel your scaly skin even though it sometimes gives me a rash. That sounded really weird saying that out loud, " she pressed her lips together a moment then continued, "the point is that I realized I love you, " she let out a shakey breath and then words continued to spill out of her mouth,
"My conscious is killing me Thane. I should have reported back, I let my guard down and trusted Kenson. I wanted to see Object Rho, I wanted to see if the threat was real enough to do what they planned, I had no idea what was going to happen. It was an Alliance project, but I still should have contacted Miranda before going and I didn't. Now all those people are dead," tears began to roll down her cheeks. Thane pulled his chair down, sitting next to her and wrapping his arms around her, "When I became a Spectre I swore I would never do this, swore I would never kill even one single innocent life to get a mission done. Now I've screwed up. I'm just as bad as Saren and Vasir and it kills me inside."
"You are not like them," Thane said, "You did not intentionally plan to kill those people, let alone risk their lives. You said yourself you wanted to see if the threat was real enough. You didn't want to destroy that system till you knew and could warn them."
"Yeah, but who said Saren and Vasir planned to kill anyone till they had no other option to," Rylie said.
"You did everything you could to warn that colony, did you not?" Thane asked.
"I tried, but Kenson blocked me," Rylie said.
"That is the difference between you and Saren or Vasir. They wouldn't have bothered."
"It makes no difference if I tried to warn them or not. Those people still died. Their blood are on my hands," Rylie said.
"That may be true, but It makes all the difference that you tried," Thane said, "Seeing you like this and knowing you tried, it is a relief to me. I was worried by your behavior that you did not care about what you did."
"I care, I care so much, but I...it doesn't matter now. What's done is done. I am paying for this in more ways than one. My conscious is going to keep me up at night, my reputation is already in the shitter because of Cerberus and now this has pulverized it. When they come to arrest me, I'm probably never going to see you again Thane. You know they're not going to let you come with me. Those Reapers are going to attack whether we're together again or not."
"Whatever happens I believe we will see each other again," he leaned his head into hers. " You will be in my prayers, please tell me I will be in your thoughts at least."
"I might pick up praying. You've already got me meditating," Rylie said. She gently touched his chest, "I'm sorry I shoved you, are you okay?"
"I am fine, Siha," he whispered, "I love you."
"I love you," Rylie said kissing him softly. He reached up and wiped away a few more tears from her cheeks, "I need to get my report done and tell everyone what's happened."
"And eat something," Thane said.
"Yes, that too," she slowly pulled away from him, rubbing her face dry.
"I'll be up in a little bit," Thane said standing to move out of her way, "For now I wish to meditate."
"Okay," Rylie said standing up. She hugged him tight and kissed him again.
"Are you going to turn yourself in?" Thane asked again.
"If the Alliance asks me too," Rylie said.
"Then I hope there is a little time for us before then," Thane said. When Rylie finally broke away from him and left life support, she immediately walked across the hallway into the men's restroom.
"Shepard, the..."
"I know EDI," Rylie turned the sink on to wash her face. She snorted her nose and spat mucus back out. Then she just leaned into the sink, watching the water go down the drain for a moment. She couldn't decide if she felt worse or better. Better that she cleared the air with Thane, but worse because reality was hitting all the more harder. She turned the water off. Only the sound of pouring water continued. She looked over to see Jacob standing naked in the showers, hands cupped in front of him.
"Oh geez, sorry Jacob," she turned immediately and grabbed a towel off the wall to dry her face.
"You're fine commander," Jacob said. He seemed pretty calm about the situation.
"Please don't tell anyone you saw me crying," Rylie said.
"Didn't see a thing if you didn't," Jacob said.
"Got it," She left, about to go for the elevator when she stopped. She peered down the curved hallway that led to Miranda's office. Then she detoured down it. The awkward silence in the mess hall was still there as she passed. She took a quick glance and saw that the crowd had grown larger. Jack and Grunt had joined and of course all that were present were staring at her. Without a word she continued into Miranda's office.
"I thought you had a report to write," Miranda said as Rylie came around the desk, "I had breakfast sent to your room already."
"Stand up," Rylie ordered.
"Why?" Miranda hesitated.
"I want to give you a hug," Rylie said.
"What?" Miranda leaned away.
"I don't know exactly what's going to happen from here on out, but if I don't take the chance to thank you now I may not have the chance again later. I couldn't have done anything without you, Lawson. You have been invaluable to me, as my second in command and more importantly, one of my closest friends. It was rough to start off with our different opinions, but we worked it out and I am really going to miss working alongside you." They stared at each other quietly a moment. Then Rylie held her arms out with a small smile on her face. Miranda nodded her head, then cleared her throat as she stood up and immediately hugged the Commander.
"I am going to miss working with you too," Miranda said over Rylie's shoulder, "I will not forget what you have done for me. And your support. Thank you," She pulled away and patted Rylie's back, "Now go write your report. I'll edit it to make sure you don't make a idiot of yourself telling the Alliance about what you've done."
"No run on sentences," Rylie said as she turned for the doorway.
"Good girl," Miranda said as she sat back down.
"Meeting at nine, tell Chakwas I'll be back in her office by ten," Rylie said before the door opened.
"Yes Commander."