Rainbows

by Amalin

A "cheerful" fic for the holidays from your not-so-retired retiree.

A/N: To begin with, you may be wondering why the former retiree is returning after all. ~wink~ Long story, but this idea has been stuck in my head since long before I quit. With Enemy, I'd thought I had said all I had wanted to say. I guess it turns out I was wrong. In any case, my short period of temporary retirement turned out to be quite a benefit, as IMHO my writing's improved since then. I don't know if you could call this coming out of retirement, since I have no idea if I'll write anything more. If I have something I want to say, maybe I will. We'll have to wait and see.

Okay, second order of business. I'd like to thank my wonderful, wonderful betas - AniSky, SkySorceress, and Christy - for all their help in the making of this fanfic. I really couldn't have done it, or at least done it as well, without you guys. ~grins~ And a thank you to all the rest of you that gave me a hand, it was well appreciated. A word of warning -- this fic could easily be interpreted as dark, morbid, and sure to ruin any holiday cheer you may have. You've been warned. ;) It's rated PG-13 (though nearly R) for profanity, some suggestive sexual content, and violence. It also contains some religious opinions -- if you are opposed to them either skip over this fic or simply over those parts. Please note that they are in no way meant to offend or override your own beliefs.

Also, let it be known that this is not a self-instertion. While Noelle may be a new character, a creation of my own, she is not me. Though I can't quite claim there isn't anything of me in her... ~serene smile~ And finally, the paragraphs in italics in Chapter One are Tobias' flashbacks, if you can't figure that out. And Chapter Seven is quite short, but it didn't fit with Chapter Eight. It had to be by itself, and that was all that had to be said... The quote at the beginning is taken from a medely of Somewhere Over the Rainbow and What a Wonderful World, done by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole and recently used in the movie Meet Joe Black. (If you like instrumentals, that sountrack is highly recommended. Gave me quite a bit of inspiration in writing this.) I think the song really fits this fic, and in the beginning this was actually going to be a songfic, but it just didn't work out. ~sigh~ But anyway, on with the fic itself. As always, any comments, questions, suggestions, criticism or anything else helpful is appreciated.

R A I N B O W S

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly...and the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?

-- p r o l o g u e --

"Tobias!"
The stars glittered above me, a thousand tiny diamonds shining in a sky of velvet blackness. A few clouds drifted lazily over the starry sky, dreamily floating over me. Below me lay the city, suddenly seeming so tiny. But my cares were not there - there was nothing there for me. Nothing lay before the sky and myself.
"Tobias!"
I caught a column of air and soared upwards, my wings carrying me with little effort up to lazily soar with the clouds. There was nothing on my mind, nothing troubling...I was free. Truly...free...
"It is likely he will recover soon. I would not worry."
The feeling of freedom seemed to lessen, slipping from the grasp of my mind. I tried frantically to recover it, to return to its comforting haven. But the sky seemed to wrap me up, the darkness surrounding me, seeping into my mind and returning me to a sudden blackness, and then light.
"How do you expect me to not worry, Ax? He's been out for ten minutes!"
"At least he won't be trapped, he's in hawk form," another voice commented. Marco? I looked around, my vision clearing.
"Tobias!"
I blinked, seeing five faces peering down at me. I flapped weakly, talons clutching at a slippery metal floor. After a moment of panicking, I realized I was in Cassie's barn. I flew to the rafters above me and perched there. What happened?> I looked down at the metal operating table I had been lying on when I awoke. The last thing I remember was...> I thought back, attempting to clear my confused mind. The battle! What happened?>
"Stalemate," Jake supplied. "But we're alive. You were knocked unconscious and we-"
"-retreated," Rachel finished almost harshly for him. But she looked up at me, and I could see the relief in her eyes. "I thought you were going to die or something. Or go into a coma...can hawks go into comas?"
I'm OK now,> I reassured them. The real world was beginning to draw me back, the troubles and worries of everyday life beginning to seep back into my mind. I remembered my dream clearly, but it seemed unreal, as if it were only a movie I'd seen, or a story I'd heard. I could recall the feeling I had, but it was out of reach, unobtainable. I sighed mentally.
"If you're okay and all, then I've gotta go," Jake said. "I promised my mom I'd be home by dinner."
"Yeah, and my parents should be home any minute," Cassie said.
"I will demorph quickly, then," Ax said, and proceeded to change from his human morph to his normal Andalite form. There was a short pause, and then feather patterns rippled over his skin and he began to change to northern harrier. He looked expectantly at me, as did Rachel. I knew she was asking me to come over, although she didn't voice it.
I'm a little disoriented,> I said, pretending I didn't see the look in her eyes. Ax, you wanna make sure I get to my meadow okay? I'll be all right, but I'm still sort of recovering.>
I will do so,> Ax said. He flapped hard and took off out the barn door, powerful wings carrying him into the sky. I glanced at Rachel, who avoided my gaze. Marco and Jake were already fully morphed, and flapped out of the barn behind Ax.
See ya,> Marco called as he left. Cassie quickly busied herself with feeding the animals as Rachel finally turned to meet my gaze.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked first.
I'm fine,> I replied. Really. I'm just...tired.>
She stared at me for a minute, then nodded. "Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll see you later...or something." Looking away from my glance, she stalked out of the barn. Cassie looked up at me, an unvoiced question in her eyes.
It's nothing,> I reassured her. We're all just worn out.>
Cassie nodded, but stood there a moment, and finally said, "Did something...happen?"
Something...you mean between me and Rachel? No, of course not.>
"No, I mean...something in general. It's not just Rachel, is it?"
Not just Rachel...what? There's nothing going on with me and Rachel!> I paused. I mean, there is, but not like an argument...> Cassie was silent, listening patiently. Look, Cassie, I appreciate your help, but...>
"Ax is waiting," she finished for me, and turned with a slight smile to refill a water dish. I hesitated to see if she was going to say anything more, but she seemed to be busy with the animals. I flew out of the barn, and Ax flew up to meet me from his perch on the barn roof. The grass was wet with raindrops, and I vaguely remembered storm clouds hovering above us as we flew to the battle. Now the skies were clear once more, water droplets poised to drip from the edges of the barn roof. We soared away over the forest in silence for a few minutes, each lost in our own private thoughts.
Cassie was wrong. There was nothing the matter...not with Rachel, not in general. And as for Rachel...I was tired, and so was she. I would probably go to my tree and sleep, or maybe hunt and then go to sleep.
Here is where I normally leave you to depart for my scoop,> Ax said, interrupting my silent thoughts. Do you wish me to accompany you to your tree?>
I'll be okay,> I said. I'm just going to go rest.>
Goodbye, Tobias.> I returned the farewell and we each flew our separate ways, Ax to his scoop and me to...to where? I was going in the direction of my meadow, but I found myself wanting something else. To rest, to hunt...I wasn't in the mood. You could visit Rachel, my mind reminded me. I shook off the thought. She was already angry at me. For not going to visit her in the first place, a part of my brain added smugly. If you did so now, she wouldn't be angry at you.
No, I wasn't in the mood for that either. I thought of Cassie's words, and inwardly winced. I wasn't avoiding her - I still loved Rachel just as much as ever. And most of the time, I liked nothing better than going to spend time with her. But the memory of soaring up to the stars, the feeling of complete freedom in every fiber of my body...
A mouse poked its nose cautiously out between a few wet blades of grass. I briefly considered the thought of hunting, but dismissed it. There was something else... Passing over the mouse, which probably had no idea how close it had come to being a meal, I changed directions and began flying away from my meadow. Out of the forest, out over the city.
I don't know what I thought, I don't know what I was trying to find, maybe to recover my dream. Somehow, in some small way, to find that feeling I'd experienced.
I soared on the light breeze, the city quietly busy below me. Cars sped beneath my spread wings, the people there oblivious to anything else but their own lives, caught up in the day to day struggle of life. I turned my sharp eyes from the world, disinterested. There was something I craved, something I longed for. Something unexplainable - perhaps not even tangible. I'd had it in my dream, and lost it...forever?
A phrase, heard once and forgotten until now, leapt to mind. Nothing lasts forever. I supposed it was true. How could anything last? The memory might linger, but nothing more. Only memories of things discarded, feelings hurt and dreams broken. Is that all there is? I wondered as I flew, heart yearning for something I could not even put a name to. Were fading memories the only things kept of times past? Some things are better forgotten, buried. That, at least, was true. And yet something seemed wrong, out of place. Was there nothing that endured through time?
I soared over the city, mind restlessly searching for answers that I didn't even know existed.

-- c h a p t e r o n e --

I heard yelling from the houses below me, some fight erupting somewhere. It was generally a bad neighborhood, full of drunks and criminals. An actual family lived on the corner, most likely having fallen on bad times and needing somewhere, anywhere, to live. A single mother, the woman had two little boys, seeming around six. They won't stay too innocent for long, living around here, I thought. But innocence doesn't last long anyway.
There wasn't much of interest in this neighborhood, at least not to me. Occasionally a fight would occur, sometimes the police would come through, some excitement of that sort. Still not too interesting. I'd seen enough anger, enough hate, already. The mother with her twin boys was interesting enough, I suppose, but it was one family that drew me back here. Weird, I suppose. Not right, perhaps. It was like spying on them, but...it was just something, something that called to me. Some fragment of memory, maybe, just...
I flew down towards the house. It was nothing special, nothing that stood out about it. In fact, I'm not quite sure how it attracted my attention in the first place. But it did. And now here I was, back, like some sick spectator at a bullfight. But I wasn't here to watch, to observe them from afar. I didn't know quite why I came back, but it seemed right. It felt right. Maybe it wasn't, maybe I shouldn't have come in the first place, but just something seemed right about it.
Settling on a branch on the tree outside their house, I listened carefully. Yes, they were definitely home. At least, the man was.
"Damn it, get back here!" A muffled sob followed, then, "Don't just walk out on me, woman! You'll leave when I want you to leave!"
There was a sound of flesh striking flesh, and a sharp cry. Then a door slammed and a woman ran out of the house, clutching her face and running towards the old, rusty car parked on the street. She hastily climbed in and started it with keys left in the ignition, then pulled away, the sound of tires screeching and a smell of burning rubber left behind her.
Moving slightly closer, I heard the man mutter, "She'll be back soon enough." After a hesitation, where I guessed he took another long sip of alcohol, he yelled, "What're you lookin' at?"
The reply was so quiet I didn't catch it. The next thing I heard was a ringing slap, and I winced inwardly. There was silence, and another sound of the man hitting someone.
"Say somethin'!" There was only silence, then a sharp intake of breath as he continued his actions. "Don' I hit hard 'nough, 's that it?" He took another swig of alcohol. "Y'just wait, I'll...show you..." I could hear him breathing heavily. Panting, eyes bloodshot, like my uncle used to get. A crazy look in his eyes, a craving to see the pain of others...
"That's right, you good-for-nothing son of a bitch! Get over here 'n I'll show you what real pain is!" My loud sobbing followed the sounds of heavy breathing and the sounds of his fists striking me. He had me up against the wall, struggling for air, gasping in pain and smelling the overpowering stench of alcohol on his breath...
"Damn you! Say something!" The man was angrily striking his victim repeatedly, the fact that she wasn't resisting or crying out making him only angrier. Almost like my crying and pleading would only encourage my uncle to further abuse. But I could never stop myself, I couldn't hold back the sobs, couldn't ignore the pain...
He kicked me over and over, catching me in the side. I curled protectively into a ball on the floor, groaning and unable to help myself. "You're pathetic," he yelled, kicking me one last time before turning in disgust and stumbling off towards the kitchen. Presumably to find another bottle of alcohol. I could feel the tears soaking my cheeks, could hear myself whimpering as I tried to sink into the floor, tried to somehow forget where I was, just wishing I could die... I was pathetic. He was right. I was pathetic, curled here on the floor, scared and crying and alone.
The man was now just grunting in frustration as he slammed his fists in the general direction of the girl, missing several times and swearing loudly as his clenched fists hit the wall. "Get me 'nother drink, girl," he yelled, slumped against the wall where he had slid after he missed once again and nearly put a hole in the wall. A sudden rush of memory overcame me.
"Get out! Out, y'stupid bastard, I hate you!" I was pressed against the wall, his heavy hand gripping my shoulder. He was drunk, but not as much as normal, just starting. "Get me a drink!" When I made no move to leave, seeing no indication of his grip on my shoulder lessening, he yelled, "Now! When I give'ya 'n order, I mean it, kid! Go!" I slipped out from his grip, somehow managed to escape the kick he sent in my direction, and headed towards the refrigerator, where I pulled another bottle out. Away from his angry gaze, I quietly opened it and poured about a quarter out, replacing the alcohol with water. Putting the cap back on - he wouldn't notice, he was too far gone - I hurried back to where he waited, leaning against the wall.
"'Bout time," he grumbled, grabbing the bottle and twisting off the cap sharply. Gulping about a third of the bottle in one sip, he suddenly spat it all over me. "What's this? You think to poison me? Why..." He grabbed me by the arm, earning a startled cry from me. He pulled me closer, and I realized he was less drunk than I had thought. "Ya think I'm stupid, boy! 'S that what you think?" He stabbed a finger in my face, his own crazed features about four inches from mine. "I'm no fool, n'matter what you think...I c'n tell the difference b'tween real alcohol and this..." He released me. I lost my balance, startled by being let go so suddenly, and stumbled backwards. He threw the bottle towards me, and I watched as it smashed at my feet, shards of glass flying everywhere...
"Where's my drink?" the man bellowed. "Noelle!!!"
"Get out!" I could do nothing as he literally lifted me from the ground, bloodshot eyes staring into mine. "Hear me? I hate you!"
"Get back here!" He lurched to his feet, staggering towards the kitchen.
"Yeah, y'hear? I hate you! I hate you! You're a pathetic little loser, you bastard! Where are your parents, huh? You don't even know who they are! Where they are!" I whimpered, reminding myself of nothing more than a beaten dog.
"Where are you, girl? You get in here! I want a drink!"
"You fuckin' bastard! No wonder you're such a loser! Your mother was trash! Y'hear me, kid? Like you! I bet you're th' reason she left, bet she hated you so much she couldn't take it..." I could only cry helplessly, unable to defend myself. Unable to defend my mother. Unable to do anything.
"Go'way," the man grumbled, grabbing the bottle from her. "Need to...gotta drink in...peace..."
"Ahh!" I clutched my nose, coming away with blood smeared all over my hands. He'd really hit me this time, maybe it was broken, maybe...
"Get upstairs! I don't wanna look at you!" When I didn't move, I found myself suddenly choking as he held me by my shirt in the air. Gasping for breath, I felt the blood running down my face and onto my shirt.
"P-please," I gasped out, struggling to get air into my burning lungs. He smiled cruelly, almost enjoying my agony. I could taste the acrid, coppery blood streaming over my lips as it ran unhindered down my face. I tried to breathe through my nose, but had no idea how badly it was hurt... Tears were dripping down my cheeks to mingle with my blood. "Air..." I mouthed, unable to suck in enough to speak loud enough to be heard.
"I said go!" the drunken man yelled.
Air...I couldn't breathe...
"Go!" he screamed, and sent a kick toward her, missing and nearly falling.
The overpowering smell of alcohol on his breath, the taste of my blood and sweat and tears...
"Go on, get upstairs!" he yelled, finally releasing me. He almost tossed me in the direction of the stairs. I landed hard on my side, gasping for breath and clutching my nose.
"Y'hear me? Go!"
I stumbled to my feet, ran as hard as I could, breathing like each breath was my last, half-tripping, half-crawling up the stairs, collapsing in my room...
"Yeh, run, you bastard! Run!"
His voice followed me, tormented me. I crouched on the floor of my room, clutching my nose, face and hands covered in blood...I covered my ears, closed my eyes, wished I could disappear. Just wanting to die, wanting to escape, to sink forever into the blackness that threatened to envelop me...
Ahhhh!>
The soothing darkness...
What was...the sky was suddenly spinning...where was I? The ground...I was...
Swallowing me up, carrying me away...
What...everything was moving so...slowly...
Carrying me away to a blissful oblivion...escape from the prisons of reality...
The...I was...I flapped frantically, but was out of control. Couldn't...stop...
Just darkness.
Sudden, sharp, shooting pain. And then...
Release.
Black.

-- c h a p t e r t w o --

Wha...?>
I awoke lying painfully on the ground, my wings flapping weakly against the dirt. I frantically attempted to right myself and eventually was successful. Around me a few of my feathers were scattered on the ground. Feeling dizzy, I tried to recall what had happened. I was...the man inside was...
I must've run into something,> I realized, and looked up above me at the house. Oh great. Nice going, Tobias, run into a window.> Still feeling slightly confused, I tried to shake off the feeling. Remembering I'd been knocked unconscious only about an hour or so earlier in the battle, I groaned. Twice in one day?
I wasn't severely injured, I didn't think. Just in case, though, I dragged myself behind a bush and morphed raccoon, then demorphed back to hawk. By the time I was finished, my mind was clear and I flew up to the tree above me. After a moment, I realized I was staring into the girl's bedroom. Noelle, was that what the man had said?
My first thought was to leave. I had no right to invade into this family's life, and besides, why should I? I had no part in this family's life. I had just happened to be passing by, like someone driving by an accident on the side of the road. I had no idea why I'd come in the first place, some stupid idea of mine, some crazy thought. And all I'd accomplished was getting lost in a past I'd tried forgetting and ending up unconscious. That was the end of listening to that crazy part of my brain.
And anyway, she didn't seem to be too badly hurt. Not in need of a doctor. No blood, just some bruises, maybe. She was lying on her bed, sleeping? Resting?
That's when she saw me. She stood up, walked to the window, and I could see the tearstains on her face. Her hair was messy, her pale gray eyes red and a little puffy. "You," she called softly, and I nearly jumped. She was staring out the window, staring at me, talking. Not to me, she couldn't... "Please, come here? Are you a sign?"
I blinked. Was she talking to me? Was she talking to herself? Maybe she was a little crazy - no one could blame her, many kids in the same situation ended up not altogetherly right, a little messed up...
"Please...bird...what is it that you are? A hawk?" She sighed, silent for a moment. "What am I doing? This is crazy. You're just a bird, right?" She walked to her bed, sat down. "What am I thinking? I've...I think I've lost it..." She laughed a little bitterly, a derisive laugh, and reached over to pull open a drawer. Despite myself I leaned forward to see better, wondering what that glint of metal was. A...
My heart seemed to stop for a moment, glimpsing the knife she gripped and panicking. Peering through the window, gaze now changing from mild curiosity to urgent interest. Scattered in the drawer, which she'd left lying open, were a few packs of matches and something I couldn't make out in the gloom.
She raised the knife to her upper arm...to her heart? She couldn't be...it wasn't... As she lifted her arm, I made out a few tiny scratches near the inner part of her wrist. From her father? I wondered worriedly. Or from herself?
"I'm sorry," Noelle whispered. If my hawk eyes were not so keen, the movements of her lips as she spoke would have gone unread. There was a wistful sort of look in her eyes, an odd longing mixed with apology. "I'm sorry..."
I wondered what she was so sorry for. She'd just been beaten by her father, and she was apologizing to...to whom?
"God, please forgive me..." she murmured, if possible in a lower tone than before. Her eyes raised up to me, yearning, searching. Then she looked back at the knife and raised it to her shoulder, about half an inch away from her throat.
"I'm sorry," she breathed once again, and closed her eyes.
Nooo!>
Before I knew what I was doing, I was flying towards her room frantically. Luckily this window was open, and I blew through the open window and towards her. Startled, her eyes flew open. She fell back, the knife slipping out of her grasp and onto the floor. I flew down and landed by it, one talon clutching the blade guardedly.
"You...you are real," she whispered, looking both scared and awed at the same time. "I - I mean, you..." She stared in silence down at me for a moment, eyes wide as she regarded me. I suddenly realized the predicament I was in. You idiot, I berated myself. You just tried to save some girl's life you don't even know, and in a few minutes you could be dead yourself! My heart stopped as I realized that something worse could happen. Not just to me, to the world. Had I risked humanity for one girl's life?
"Am I dreaming?" she asked softly. "I have to be. I always used to, you know, dream that somehow God was watching over me and would send me a sign that I wasn't alone..." A sigh. "You came to save me, didn't you? But the window...I didn't see anything more...and now you're here." There was a faintly worried look on her face. "I'm not hallucinating, am I? Are you an angel?"
I fought the urge to laugh. An angel? Me?
Maybe she's not a Controller, I thought, trying to stop the surge of hope that welled up inside me. Relief flowed over my mind like a wave. She seemed slightly unstable, but then that was to be expected. Taylor, my mind warned, even as I dared to think that perhaps the world was safe for a moment longer. Be cautious, Tobias.
I'm no angel,> I finally settled on replying, mind poised to morph. I was, after all, the one with the knife...right?
"You talk!" she exclaimed quietly. "I - thank you." Noelle looked almost embarrassedly down at the knife I clutched possessively. "I wasn't going to suicide though, if that's what you thought? And he's never hurt me that bad." She paused then, as if my words sank into her brain just then. "What are you, then? I...you were..."
I fought within my own mind, torn by indecision. She didn't seem like a Controller. After all, would a Yeerk truly take that abuse, day after day? Would a Yeerk really force itself to live in those conditions? I paused. I didn't know. The Yeerks we'd come in contact wouldn't...but...
You're the one that got yourself in this situation, I reminded myself coldly. I'm a dream,> I tried, that you won't remember.>
She dropped to her knees on the floor before me, hand outstretched. Her fingers brushed the tips of my feathers, almost reverently. "How can this be a dream?" she whispered. "It feels so real." There was a slight pause, as she closed her eyes in thought. "You're not an angel. Then you're not sent by God." Her shoulders seemed to slump, not noticeably, perhaps an inch or so. After a moment she looked up at me, eyes wide. "Who are you? Why did you - why did you try to save me?"
I wasn't trying to save you before. I ran into the window.>
"You're more than a talking bird." Her voice was flat with the surety of her statement. I was startled at the way she simply accepted me, the way she never questioned how a talking bird was standing before her clutching a knife. "And you're more than a dream."
How do you know?> I countered. My mind was still trying to decide how to make sure she was not a Yeerk. Three day confinement would be much too obvious, unless I involved the Chee, which would mean involving the others. And for what? This world seemed separate, apart. It was wrong to bring the others into it, it was futile even to attempt to explain why I'd even come in the first place. Jake would yell at me for nearly blowing our cover. Rachel would demand what I was doing there to begin with. Marco, no doubt, would have an unnecessary comment, and Cassie - perhaps worst of all - would have her sympathy and her attempt to understand. Ax, I didn't know, but there seemed to be no purpose in dragging them into what had started so innocently. What could have been nothing, if only I had not been so reckless and-
"I can sense it." Noelle nodded, drawing her knees up to her chin as she leaned back against the bed. "You're as real as I am. You don't seem like a bird or a dream, you seem like a person."
I was silent for a moment. Did I? Did what she said even make sense?
I have to go.> I don't know what I expected - for her to keep me there, for her to protest or something, perhaps. But she only sighed and nodded.
"Will you come back?" It was not a plea, not her begging my return. A question.
I don't know.>
If I did, it would most likely be to kill her. Without pause, I turned and flew from the window. There was no point in associating further with her - I had only to discover whether she was a Controller or not. So you can kill her or forget about her, my mind continued ruthlessly. That's it, isn't it, Tobias. I pushed the thought away, telling myself that I was being kind. That I had morals. That I should have killed her anyway, just for knowing.
"Goodbye," she whispered as I flew out of sight. I circled around to land nearby - still out of sight from her room - to watch. Her gray eyes watched the empty sky once more, still yearning, still wistful. Why did it remind me so much of something I'd felt only hours ago? Why did it remind me of the same longing that had enveloped my mind?
It's not the same.
And I deliberately kept my mind blank as I watched her close the window, the sky off limits forever.

-- c h a p t e r t h r e e --

"Tobias!" Rachel looked up as I flew into the barn, settling on my usual rafter perch. She kept her gaze on me as I began to preen, a mixture of confusion and worry. "Where've you been the past few days? Ax said he couldn't even find you when he went to tell you of the meeting yesterday, not until you went by his scoop."
Really?> I feigned ignorance. That's weird, I was around. Probably hunting and he missed me.>
Rachel was silent then, as Cassie entered the barn. "Hey, Rach," she exclaimed. "Hi, Tobias." She leaned down, checking the animals' food and water before settling on a bale of hay beside Rachel. Moments later Jake entered, followed by Ax and Marco.
"What's up?" Marco asked, glancing towards Jake. I was only half listening, only half there. The past three days I'd watched Noelle, kept an eye on her. Most of the time she stayed in her room, once going to the store but otherwise remaining at home. Made things rather easy for me, and it turned out that she truly wasn't a Controller. And now what? my mind was demanding. You haven't forgotten about her yet.
"...more hosts," Jake was saying. "Erek seemed to think that it was going to be easier for the Controllers they have already to make Controllers of their families and close friends, then keep going."
"Tom?"
Jake shrugged. "What can we do without more information? Erek's trying to get more information on some of the current Controllers, especially those of importance both as a Yeerk or a host." I tuned out again. No mission, at least not yet. And something about Noelle persisted, clinging to my brain and refusing to let go. Something strange, something too...familiar.
They talked for awhile longer, seeming not even to notice my quietness. There was a sort of oddness in the air, a feeling of something not quite right. Or was it just me? Was I just imagining things, or creating feelings that didn't even exist?
Tobias?>
My head snapped up to see Ax staring at me with all four of his eyes. Uhm, what?>
We're leaving.> He stared at me for a moment longer, then went to morph. I realized quite belatedly that Jake and Marco had already left, and Rachel and Cassie were discussing homework.
Bye, Rach,> I said.
She looked up for a moment, eyes clouding over for a second. "See you," she replied, and was it only me or did she look a little perplexed? Was I wrong, had they noticed my silence? I took off, joining Ax in the air and heading towards my meadow. He flapped hard to catch up, then soared beside me. The silence was now uncomfortable.
Is there something on your mind?> Ax inquired, almost politely.
Nothing really,> I sighed. I mean, not anything I really want to discuss.>
As you wish,> Ax answered. Though is your absence the last few days at all related to this problem you won't discuss?>
I was silent for a moment, unsure how to answer that. I don't know,> I finally said. It really isn't a problem.> He was quiet then, agreeable silence descending over us as we flew. I didn't even notice when he changed directions to return to his scoop, leaving me to fly on alone. I soared in circles for awhile, thinking. Flying. Searching, I guess, though for what I didn't know.
Before I knew it, I was settling on what had oddly become a familiar perch on the tree outside Noelle's bedroom. Certain branches left you a view of the room without revealing yourself to the occupants of the room, but I hadn't landed on such a branch this time. And she was in her room as I'd come to expect, reading. I landed on the windowsill, wings flapping against the glass. She heard me and looked startled until she realized who it was. She quickly opened the window, admitting me.
"You - you came," she finally managed, surprised. She left the window open and returned to her place on the worn mattress, carefully bookmarking the place in her book and setting the large volume aside. With mild curiosity I read the title, realizing she was so deeply involved in reading the bible.
I came,> I agreed, not knowing what else to say. She wasn't a Controller, that much was known now, but what else did I know? She had an abusive family. She read the bible. Why had I come, anyway?
"Why did you?" she asked, almost reading my thoughts. Storm clouds gathered outside, reflected in the overcast gray of her own eyes. We were both quiet for a moment, unsure what to say. Myself, I was surprised she still accepted this as more than a dream. I thought of what I would have done, having a bird fly into my room - a talking bird no less. She was either remarkably stable - or just the opposite.
"Who are you?" she persisted when I did not answer the first question. I supposed she had a right to know, didn't she? After all, I was the one that barged into her life. I was the one that flew unasked into her room, the one that had returned.
My name's Tobias.> There was another hesitation, an uncomfortable pause of quiet in which we regarded each other. You're right, I'm not a dream, but I'm certainly not an angel.> If birds could shrug, I would have. Like you said, I'm a person. Like you, like anyone.>
"There's a difference between 'me' and 'anyone'," she said quietly. "Anyway, I'm Noelle, and why did you come? Shouldn't I find this rather odd, a talking bird claiming to be a person like me flying into my room?"
There've been odder things,> I said, though any that came to mind couldn't exactly be shared with her. Noelle didn't seem to mind, acknowledging my comment but not responding directly. I don't know why I came, maybe I just had to.>
"Maybe you did," she agreed, seeming not at all perturbed by the only phrase that had leapt to mind. After a moment of silence, I realized it didn't even matter to me anymore. Why had I returned? I still didn't know. Just that I had to made the most sense in a twisted way.
"I guess you first, well, got to know me because of my father," Noelle said in the quiet. Her voice didn't seem to break the silence, only add to it.
Yeah, well...yeah.> We both sat without speaking for several minutes, her still holding the bible on her lap and me balanced on the stained carpet of her room. I pushed off the floor and went to perch on the back of her desk chair. You don't mind, do you?> I asked. My talons might...scratch it or something.>
"No, no, it's fine. None of this is worth much anyway." She shrugged, watching me curiously. "Are you a bird pretending to be a person? Or a person pretending to be a bird?"
The question hit me a lot harder than it should have, the innocent inquiry suddenly something that dug at the depths of my soul. I'm a person,> I answered, though still uncertain. She meant it literally, I tried to convince myself. She was just wondering how someone like you could exist. She doesn't know about the Andalites or morphing or any of that.
"I thought so." And we were silent again - not an uncomfortable silence, not one that gradually built up a stone wall between us until talk was impossible. It was more of a peaceful quiet, where it felt like a comfortable solitude even together.
You don't know much about me,> I finally said, breaking the comfortable quiet that had settled around us like a blanket of snow. But like you said, I'm more than a talking bird. I have a human body I can take.> She stared at me, somehow not surprised. I wondered briefly if she was a Controller, but no - I had watched her. I used to be human, you know.>
"You are still," she said. "Aren't you?"
Uhm...yeah. Yeah, I am - I meant I used to be human in form. Do you - do you want me to show you?> Noelle gave me a hesitant smile and nodded, although there remained an unreadable expression on her face, maybe of doubt, of confusion? I shifted my perch to the floor once more as I prepared to demorph. I sensed her eyes upon me as I began the changes to human, hoping I wouldn't scare her. In the end I stood before her, human and clothed in my morphing suit. She didn't look frightened, not even half as surprised as I expected.
"I don't understand," she sighed after a moment. "You're not of God, and yet you cannot be of the devil - you tried to save me twice." She seemed unconvincing of the fact that me running into the window was something else than an urge to stop her father. "What are you? Is it wrong to believe in these shapeshifting powers of yours?"
I settled cross legged on the floor, the position feeling slightly awkward to me. "I'm human just like you," I finally replied. "It's not like I'm another god or anything. Look on it as if this was any talent, like musical talent or artistic talent or something of the sort." I shrugged helplessly, still unused to emotions or gestures in human form. "I'm still Tobias," I said. "In any body."
Noelle regarded me with more interest than before. "That was you?" she asked softly. "In your human form?" I nodded.
Silence fell once more, shifting and settling around us. It was several minutes later when I finally gestured to the book she still held. "You're...Christian?" I questioned.
"Yes." She answered without a doubt, then sighed. "Well, technically no, and yet I am. I've never been baptized, you see. But I consider myself a Christian nevertheless. You shouldn't have to be told you are one if you're everything one should be to begin with."
I paused a moment. "Why aren't you baptized?" I wondered, even as I hoped I wasn't intruding too much on her life. She had stayed remarkably reasonable about the questions she poured on me, and I didn't want to offend her by not returning the favor. I didn't have much freedom to talk of my own life.
"I never got a chance to. That doesn't mean I can't believe."
"How'd you start believing, then?" I asked, as she didn't seem put off by my questions. Religion was a topic I'd never really heard much about. It interested me, even though I had none. "I mean...like...when..."
"I -" She shrugged. "I don't know, Tobias, I never stopped to question my God. I was lost and alone, and I needed something to believe in." She smiled faintly. "I was lost on the streets, it was back when my mother pretended to actually care about what happened to me and took me with her when she ran from my father. I got separated from her and had no idea what to do. I ended up wandering into a church."
She sighed, remembering in silence for a moment before she spoke again. "I was only four or five, I didn't know what it was. I ran into a priest - Father Connor - and he helped me." Her smile faded. "Back then, the whole concept of a God that loved you no matter what - it seemed so strange, so alien. But I was young, willing to believe. To believe anything."
"My uncle didn't care for religion," I shrugged, feeling almost obligated to return something of my own life. And yet it wasn't awkward to tell her, as I always felt telling anyone else. Perhaps because of her similar situation. Perhaps because how she sat there, listening intently, thoughtfully. "My aunt went to church on Sunday, but never made me go. Most of the time I had to clean, or if I didn't, I just reveled in the time alone. I guess that makes me an atheist."
Noelle shook her head. "No, it doesn't make you anything. If you don't believe in a God, you're an atheist. But you - Tobias, you never had a chance to believe or not to believe."
"What about you?" I countered, almost defensively. It seemed odd, at least, this life of hers. "You just started believing at four and kept going?"
"No, I just...church seemed safe for me. I can't go anymore, my father won't let me. But God understands, I know He does. And I have to keep believing. You have to have something to hold onto." She looked at me, gray eyes curious. "How can you not have anything to believe in, Tobias? If you don't have anything to cling to, no hope to hold to, how can you last?"
I stared at her, the concept new to me. "I - I don't know. I just never thought about it."
She suddenly stood up, kneeling down before her bed. When I made no move, she took my hand and pulled me down beside her. "Say a prayer with me," she said. "I know you have to leave soon, but before you do, just please say a prayer with me."
"But - I'm not-" I was protesting without even knowing why. "I can't," I finally said. "Isn't it somehow, like...wrong? With me being-"
"Repeat after me," she said firmly. "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." She made the sign of the cross as she spoke, and I imitated her.
It seemed so odd. She seemed suddenly like the little girl she had told me about, the four-year old child dutifully saying her prayers to a God she'd accepted without question, a God she believed in because she had nothing else. And yet here she was, a fifteen-year old girl, praying earnestly with me beside her. I'd met her only a few days ago, and now...
"Give me wings with which to fly," she finished, "and give my soul the means to soar..."
"Is that in the bible?" I asked ignorantly.
Noelle looked a little shy all of the sudden. "No, I...I wrote it. I mean, I made it up."
I was silent, thinking. I'd only met her just a few days ago, hardly knew her, and here she was praying with me. No one I knew even knew of my religious beliefs - which were none - and yet here was this girl I barely knew who seemed to be able to see something in me I never even realized was there. "Noelle?"
She opened her eyes and looked over at me, silent.
"How can you believe so easily? Without question, without doubt, I mean just so simply..."
"It's easy, Tobias. You just have to open your mind. Don't be so cynical sometimes. Some people think that because of what I've been through, it'd make me have less faith. It's just the opposite. I know my God helped me endure through this, and will be with me to help me to endure for as long as need be. I don't know how I would have lasted by myself." She flashed me a quick smile. "Besides, God sent me you. My guardian angel, remember?"
I couldn't help smiling back as I began to demorph. There was just something about her, something... 'Bye, Noelle. Thanks.>
She looked surprised. "For what?"
For showing me that you don't need to see to believe...that believing can be seeing.>
Noelle shook her head. "I didn't show you that, Tobias. I helped you discover it yourself." She only smiled as I flew out of her window and into the night.

-- c h a p t e r f o u r --

"Tobias!" She sounded the most excited I'd ever heard her. After several visits I'd grown accustomed to her, and she me. It was a routine habit, almost, flying to visit her. A change in my life that I welcomed.
I landed on her desk. "Come on, demorph," she said eagerly. I looked at her questioningly. She only smiled in her mysterious way. I demorphed.
Noelle handed me a pile of clothes, beaming. "They're my father's. He never wears them anymore, he's normally too drunk to care what he's wearing. They might be a little big, but just put them over your morphing clothes."
I did so, curious as to why she wanted me to. When I was done, she grabbed my hand and dragged me downstairs, explaining as we walked. "My father's gone today - he's looking for a job." At my questioning look, she laughed a little bitterly. "No, he hasn't suddenly reformed. Well, he thinks he has, but tonight he'll be just as drunk as ever." She shrugged, her smile returning. "He's out of the house, in any case, so come on."
"Where are we going?" I asked as she pulled me out their front door.
"Anywhere!" She looked at me, her light look for a moment replaced by an uncertain glance. "If you don't mind, could we go to the church?" I glanced at her, and she added almost apologetically, "I haven't been there for at least three years."
"Of course," I reassured her. "We can go wherever you want." She smiled and led me off again. The sunlight shone warmly down on us as I followed her through the city. I'd only seen these parts before from the sky before, and they took on a whole new aspect. I supposed it could be taken as a bad area, full of crime and such, but today everything was different. Today the sun shone its blessings on everyone.
"Here we are," Noelle smiled, gesturing to the tall and majestic building towering above us. It was beautifully done, I suppose, in an architect's eye. And the stained glass was nothing short of stuning, especially with the glorious sunlight streaming through. I could have stared up at the building, almost apprehensively, all day, but Noelle grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. She knew where she was going, heading towards the back rooms of the church. I opened my mouth to ask where we were going when a priest opened a door to see, then blinked and stepped out.
"Noelle?" the short man gaped, his mouth dropping open. His face suddenly lit up as he smiled widely. "Is it really you?"
"Father Connor?" Without waiting for an answer, she ran forward and hugged him. He adjusted his glasses and hugged her back.
"You're not my little Noelle anymore," he laughed, positively beaming. "Ohh, it's been much too long. I missed seeing you here every week!" He turned his gaze to me, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. "What's this? Your boyfriend?"
Noelle blushed. I wanted to shake my head, to deny it, but I didn't. I didn't because somehow, not all of me wanted to deny it. Not all of me wanted to explain about Rachel, to say...
"This is my friend, Tobias," Noelle introduced me, the smile that slightly turned up the corners of her mouth laughingly reproving the man for his joke. Startled, I realized she almost seemed a different person here - different than she acted with her family, different even than she acted with me. It wasn't that she had a different mask for each of us - I felt confident enough that she truly was herself with me. Just something about this man, something paternal and loving, seemed to bring out the charming little daddy's girl she could have been.
"Ah. Tobias, it's nice to meet you." Father Connor's eyes still smiled at me, genuine warmth within his voice. He offered a pudgy hand and I shook it hesitantly, unused to his kindness and all the things he represented. Turning to Noelle, the man continued, "Bringing me converts, eh?"
Noelle laughed. "No - I don't think so, anyway. We were just enjoying the day, and I couldn't resist stopping in. It's been so long since I've seen you last." She turned, her eyes taking in the sight of the church. "So long since I've been here." Suddenly, startling me, she grasped my hand and led me forward. "Come on, Tobias, I'll show you around." Walking slowly at her side, watching her almost reverently pace down the aisle, I saw another smile light up her face. "It hasn't changed!" she cried softly, sounding delighted. "Just like I remember..." After a moment of contemplative silence, she turned back to the priest. "I think it's welcoming me back. I've never felt so at home in a place."
"God welcomes everyone back with open arms," he said, and Noelle smiled absently. I felt suddenly uncomfortable, like I'd wandered where I shouldn't be. Listening to Noelle talk about her religion was all right, I was used to it. But this man, this priest I hardly knew, seemed somehow different. He was only preaching his religion, the faith he'd devoted himself to, but in my ears it sounded strange. Like I shouldn't be hearing, like I was interfering with something too important, too good, for me.
"How...how are things?" Father Connor asked kindly. The question was open, but I suspected it was directed mostly to Noelle. After all, she was the one that knew him, and why would he be inquiring about me? But even more, he seemed to have an almost fatherly concern for her. Did he know about her real father? I wondered, squinting at him as if to peer into his mind.
Noelle turned and also looked at the man with a rather piercing gaze, as if to also discover what he was thinking. "Fine..." she finally said, almost doubtfully. I could see her cheerful mood was slightly lessened by the question. "I'm doing all right." She nodded.
Father Connor's eyes seemed to smile kindly - a smile encompassing not only Noelle but me as well. "Good, good. I'm glad you got the chance to stop by." He turned his gaze to me and nodded. "You too, Tobias. Please feel free to drop in whenever you can."
I nodded, wondering if I'd ever really take him up on that. It didn't seem right, didn't seem like me. I didn't belong here.
But could you? a voice seemed to ask. Could you belong here?
The priest winked. "I'm sure you young people don't want to spend the entire afternoon cooped up here with me. Thank you for coming." There was only a slight hesitation I may have even imagined, and he continued. "I'm glad to hear you're doing all right, Noelle. Stop by anytime."
"I will!" She hugged him again, lingering in his wide arms for a moment before rejoining me and taking hold of my hand. It was as if she looked up to him as a symbol of her god, seeing him as the father she had never had. That, I thought for a moment, is probably what's kept her going. Or was it her god himself? I wasn't sure.
"Goodbye, Noelle," Father Connor called after us. "Goodbye, Tobias."
Noelle waved happily as she led me from the church, out into the bright sunlight of the early afternoon. There were few clouds, the azure of the sky spreading nearly interrupted over us. "Father Connor's wonderful," Noelle sighed. "Isn't he, Tobias? He's the most wonderful man I've ever met." She smiled faintly, a faraway look in her eyes.
"Yes, he's a nice man." I paused for a moment, silent. "He's really devoted to...to his religion...isn't he."
Noelle smiled. "Yes he is, he's a wonderful man and a wonderful Christian." She gestured across the street. "There's a park here, would you like to see?"
It was obvious she'd been there before, maybe cherishing the time alone in beauty after a visit to the church. It was also clear she wanted to visit it again, if just to show me. "Of course."
She led me across the street, her mood returning to the lighthearted child again. Around us green sprouted, the grass soft under our feet and the trees a welcome canopy of shade above our heads. Not far off lay a large fountain, crafted of stone. Its waters splashed over the edges, at least a six-foot area of cement around the circular fountain lay soaking.
"Come on, Tobias!" she laughed, pulling me along. The reflection of the sparkling water danced in her eyes, and her light laughter rang in my ears. She pulled me with her as she ran towards the fountain, gray eyes laughing as shockingly cold droplets splashed against our skin.
"Noelle - it's -"
"Cold?" she suggested, an amused smile playing around her lips. "You have no sense of fun!" She slipped her hand out of my grasp and, with a teasing look, circled around behind me and covered my eyes with one hand. The other pressed into my back and directed my forward.
"What - Noelle!"
The only answer was her quiet laughter in my ear as she turned me left.
"If I didn't know better, I'd swear we were going towards the-"
"The what?" she asked innocently as suddenly water was raining down on us, wonderfully cold. I could hear it splashing against my skin as clothes that weren't even mine quickly became soaked.
"The fountain," I spluttered, opening my eyes and fixing her with an accusing look. She only laughed again, ignoring my feigned anger and turning to revel in the beauty fo the day.
Tiny rainbows danced in the mist of the fountain, the droplets raining gently down. Noelle stared up at me, the smile on her face as brilliant as the sun shining on us. Her smile, obviously infectious, caused an answering one on my own features and I watched her run in the water, savoring the childhood she'd never had. I pushed back the sigh that threatened to chase away my smile and stepped away from the water a bit. Around us in the park people were enjoying the day - a mother pushing a stroller, a couple kissing on a bench. Even the squirrels scampering through the trees seemed to share that carefree feeling of the afternoon.
Noelle glanced up at me, laughing as a dog ran barking across her path, furiously shaking the water out of its coat. Running to me, wet hair dripping water onto the dry ground where I stood, she flashed me a smile. Her gray eyes were bright, sparkling, shining with a love of life itself.
"I never thought I'd do something like that in my life," she admitted with a grin, and then added, "I bet you never thought so either."
"I...never really thought about it," I admitted, settling down on a bench behind us. She joined me, ignoring the fact that the wood was soon soaked from our saturated clothing. Two men strolled by, dressed in business suits - one gesturing wildly and the other listening, an attentive look plastered upon his face. Following them was another dog, his leash trailing and a child running after him shouting. The one business man paused only a moment in his speech to glance back, then quickly resumed.
"People are so interesting," Noelle murmured, as if echoing my thoughts. "There's so much hidden, and yet so much silently worded..."
I nodded slightly, eyes flicking to the happy couple sitting together a few benches away. There was that uncomfortable feeling that you get when eavesdropping or doing something you shouldn't, and I turned away a little embarrassed. Beside me, Noelle sighed and I turned to glance at her, mind silently inquiring the cause.
"Tobias?" I looked down at her, wondering the reason for the thoughtful, almost wistful look on her features. "Did you...did you like today?"
"Of course. I haven't been, well, out as Tobias for quite awhile." I thought of the mall, going there last month with Rachel and the others. With a start I realized that it had been only two weeks ago, really, only awhile ago...why did it seem so distant? Why did everything seem so far away?
The sun was sinking slowly, hovering over the treetops, spreading it's warm glow like a last gift over the world. "It's beautiful," I whispered without thinking. Noelle glanced up at me, eyes big, trusting.
"I - I...thank you."
"For-" I began, when her cool fingers slipped around my neck and she leaned up to kiss me. My brain seemed distached, protesting, reasoning, calm and cool. I could feel her wet hair clinging to my skin, my own lips starting to respond as if they weren't under the control of my mind any longer...the picture of us blended with the happy couple of before and everything blurred into the warm glow of a setting sun...
She pulled away first, lips still lingering close to mine, breathing quietly. The moment was shattered, the time ceased to pause and moved on. I gently pulled her arm from my neck and slid away, mind rejoining my body and demanding just what I had done. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared up at me as I stood, an unreadable expression clouding her eyes. Now uncomfortable, my gaze sought elsewhere to land. The sun cast long shadows over the park, shining as if a blessing on the happy couple. They were sitting close, hands clasped, lost to the world and knowing only each other. Something in me longed for that, something reached out and begged to be them.
"I'm sorry," Noelle whispered, the look in her eyes now clearly worry. "Tobias..."
"It's not your fault," I said quickly, something about my words or my tone that shattered any remaining pieces of the golden afternoon. "I - I have to go." I turned, eyes shut against the happiness elsewhere in the world, the happiness that had been within my grasp only minutes ago. Even as I left, fighting the emotions conflicting inside me, I could still feel the warmth of the sun drying us as her lips sought mine. The feeling welling up inside me was surely regret - but for what?
I'm sorry. I pushed the recent memories, the emotions away. It was too late - it would always be too late. And that happiness everyone else seemed to find so easily remained too elusive for me.

-- c h a p t e r f i v e --

I hadn't slept at all the night before. I hadn't even been hungry and hunting gave me no satisfaction. I tried visiting Ax but he wasn't there, and I was in no mood to wait. Most of the morning had been spent flying in circles, my thoughts spinning in the same loops. Over and over and over, they ran through the day before. In the end I found myself at Noelle's house, unable to avoid it any longer. It was unfair to her to never return. It was unfair to both of us.
Noelle?> I whispered tentatively, talons squeezing the soft wood of her windowsill. I peered in at her sleeping form. Noelle?>
She awoke with a little start, turning over. She suddenly sat bolt upright. "Tobias?" she whispered, then rubbed her eyes as if she was dreaming. "Is - is that you?" She got to her feet, still dressed in the clothes of the day before. Walking to where I perched, Noelle blinked. "Tobias, you...came."
I felt suddenly uncomfortable, but I had had to come. There was something left unsaid about the day before, and whether or not it was said today mattered not. I had needed to come, had been drawn here. And something in me was satisfied, even as another part grew uncertain. Of course I came,> I finally answered, refusing to recognize the silence that had stretched between us before I spoke. Did you...expect me not to?>
She hesitated, now rubbing her eyes to disperse the sleep lingering there. "I don't know," Noelle said truthfully. And while her honesty only increased the uncomfortable feeling pervading the room, it was refreshing and somehow more fulfilling than any lie she could have told.
Noelle, about-> I began, feeling almost as if I had to speak of it. About...>
She stopped me, one hand raised gently. "No." As I stared at her, golden hawk eyes focusing upon her face in perplexity, she added, "Yesterday was something meant to be, but not in this time." As my gaze stayed uncomprehending, Noelle shook her head. "I'm sorry. Forget about it."
I was about to speak, but fell silent. What had she meant? What was she saying?
"You don't understand," she sighed. "Yesterday never belonged to today. For now, remember that?"
Yesterday never belonged to today. I forced my mind back to that golden afternoon, the faint feeling of that beautiful happiness tempting me. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps yesterday wasn't part of the world we knew, it was like a sliver of gold among the plain pebbles. And somehow I knew that the feeling of yesterday was gone forever, as impossible to retain as yesterday itself.
"Noeeelle!" I nearly jumped as the voice carried through the floor to her room. Her eyes darkened for a moment, then she glanced up at me.
Your father,> I said, not even a question. The strange thing was, he did not sound drunk. Stranger still that he was not hung over from the night before. Noelle had told me he had convinced himself that he was reforming, but I had no idea how long this illusion would last. Was he drunk and did I not hear it? Was he still sober? My uncle never cared much for my presence if he wasn't intoxicated by alcohol, in fact he rarely acknowledged that I existed unless he was beating me and cursing that existence.
"Tobias..." Her expression was changed, different even than the thoughtful look her features wore only moments before. "You should go."
I can...wait...if you want to go see what he's calling you for,> I said, suddenly uncertain. Yesterday was forgotten as I felt a sudden urgency in the air. Noelle? What's->
"I'm coming," she yelled in the direction of the stairs, then turned back to me. "No, Tobias. You should go."
Is he drunk?> I asked, feeling somehow stupid and I had no idea why. I felt as if there was a secret everyone else knew and they spoke to me as if I knew as well, so I had no choice but to play along.
"Probably," she replied, not meeting my eyes now.
Noelle? Tell me what->
"Go, Tobias. You never interfered before..." As if realizing the force of her voice, she closed her eyes for a moment. "Tobias, I never asked you to care about my life. I've never asked about yours. Please."
"Noelle!" The voice was considerably louder, outside her door. As the doorknob turned, I turned and fled to the nearby tree, desperately hoping I hadn't been noticed. Her gray eyes followed me for a moment, almost sadly, then turned to the figure standing in her door. I'd never realized how big the man was, not until I saw him this close. Over six feet, his position in the door frame made him look only larger. "Close that window," he growled. "It's cold."
Noelle came to the window, her look pleading. "Go," she whispered to me. "Please, Tobias." Before I could reply, she shut the window with a final little click and turned away.
Noelle!> She didn't even look up.
He's not drunk, I thought puzzledly. Then-
Her father slammed the door behind him. Took a step forward. And all at once, the knowledge that had been so evasive flooded over my brain.
Noelle!> I cried, now frantic. Why hadn't I seen? Why hadn't I realized? She'd told me to go, she'd shut the window, he came...
You never interfered before, her voice accused me softly. I never asked you to care about my life.
The window was shut, a barrier of glass against my return. What could I do? Nothing, I thought. I can do nothing. I turned from the room, turned away. She'd asked me to leave. She'd asked me to go, told me I shouldn't care. She'd tried to spare me. And now it was too late, too late for anything. All that was left to sit there and watch helplessly, the same curious spectator I had been at the beginning. Or I could leave, I could run, I could abandon her.
I could have spoken to her again. Could have reassured her, apologized, at least said goodbye. But that never occured to me. I thought of nothing but my guilt, how she had begged me to go and I had fled when the door opened, ran for my life because of course the life of an Animorph mattered the most, the safety of the planet on my shoulders, the secrets of a war...
You're not a warrior, my mind said coldly. You're not the cold-blooded predator you think you are. You're scared right now, you don't know what to do. You're just a coward like the rest of them - that's right, Tobias. Look away, forget about everything, and maybe they won't be your problems anymore.
I could have done something else. I could have. But what we could do and what we do do is always different, and thought is different than action.
Like the coward I was, I turned and flew away.

-- c h a p t e r s i x --

A chilling breath of wind whispered through the trees, a quiet mournful dirge that shifted uncertainly in one's ears. I folded my wings in the cloudy afternoon and headed for the open window directly ahead.
She was sitting on her bed, cloudy eyes focused on the answering gray skies, and saw me almost immediately. "Tobias?" she exclaimed as a note of hope lit her voice.
Noelle.> What else could I say? What else was there to say?
"I've...missed you," she said finally. "It's been days, even a week." I could hear the worry in her voice, see the concern on her face. She bit her lip as she looked at me, an uncertain look in her eyes as if wondering just what I was going to do or say, unsure, wary.
I didn't know if I should come,> I said harshly. I wondered if my tone was as cold as it sounded in my mind. From the wince that slipped across her face and the way her eyes darkened so slightly, I realized it had.
"Then you...you...saw?"
Saw?> I echoed, voice tinged with bitter derisiveness. Yes, I 'saw.' How could I not see?>
"Y-you're...angry?"
Not at you.> My voice was rising. You couldn't help it, after all.>
"I-it's not his fault," she said softly.
It's not?> I exploded. Then whose is it? Your mother's? Yours? Face it, Noelle! Your dad isn't, and never will be, the fairy tale father you dream of! Stop pretending!>
"I'm not pretending." She looked on the verge of tears, but her jaw was set stubbornly. "I know he's not the father I wish he was. That doesn't mean I can't be a good d-daughter."
A good daughter?> I repeated, outraged. This is taking the perfect child thing a little too far, don't you think? As far as I know, fucking your dad isn't exactly on the list of good child behavior!>
She stared at me, and I saw something in her eyes that reminded me for a brief moment of nothing as much as Rachel. Some iron will, some stubborness that wouldn't give in. Then it was gone, replaced by a hurt look. "What can I do, Tobias? Run away? Tell someone and get put in an orphanage? A foster home? Do you think that's what I want?"
I don't know what you want! I thought I did, I thought I knew you, but I guess not! Not after last night!>
"Tobias..." She looked hurt, but also determined. "This doesn't change things, Tobias. You might think it does, but it doesn't. It doesn't." She shook her head, not really emphasizing her point, but as if agreeing with something else. "There's nothing different. You were my friend before, I hope you are still. You can't say that things are different between us because of him. If you give me a truly good reason, perhaps things are different. But because of him, because of his weaknesses, because of what he lacks...that changes nothing between us."
No, but...but it...it...> I trailed off. She was right, somehow. And yet how could I simply stand there and watch her be taken advantage of, be so used like that. It was different than simple abuse. It was just...different.
Noelle stood and walked to me, leaning down slightly to face me eye to eye. "Look at it like anything else," she said quietly. "You can't change things - things are the way they've always been. They don't need to be changed. I didn't want you to interfere, it would do no good. Nothing's different than it has been."
It is, I wanted to tell her, to somehow explain. But she was right, at least for her. Nothing had changed, it had always been this way for her. And when she met me she knew that even I could not change things that drastically. I'm sorry,> I muttered. I guess you're right.>
She looked not satisfied but only tired. "I guess so."
"Where's the beeer?" her father bellowed from below. Noelle winced and straightened.
"I should go," she sighed. "I went shopping yesterday, and he's forgotten already."
Goodbye, Noelle.> I hesitated a moment, then added, Be careful.> Before she could answer, I was gone.
I settled on the rooftop for a moment, the chilling breeze ruffling my feathers. After a few moments of silence, I could take it no longer. Noelle had been right. I could do nothing. And it only made me feel more helpless, more powerless. I could have done something, I thought bitterly. Then. But I didn't, I ran away. And Noelle had said nothing of it, but it still weighed on my conscience like a shadow over the sun.
I heard sobbing from inside the house, unabashed weeping that couldn't have been Noelle. Here I am again, I thought. Powerless. Tobias the predator, the Animorph, overcome by an abusive man. But that was how it had always been, hadn't it?
I landed behind the bushes, quickly demorphing. I stood just in time to see Noelle's mother run from the house, clutching a bag. I slipped from the bushes and caught up to her as she was about to open her car.
"Wait!" The woman turned around, her face streaked with tears. She looked impatient, almost frightened. "You're Noelle's mother?"
She stared at me uncomprehending for a moment. I was about to repeat myself when she finally answered almost reluctantly, "Yes. Whad'isit?" I paused, now unsure how to say it. She stared back at me, looking somewhat afraid. I couldn't help but wonder if her husband, not to mention her lifestyle, had somehow damaged her.
"Did you...I mean, are you aware..." I stopped again, hesitating. Unsure how to put this. "Your - your husband, he's-"
"He ain't my husband," she replied almost defiantly, one eye glancing warily back to the house. I blinked. They weren't married? I suppose that would explain a few things, but also created more questions. Why was she still there, why were they still together, why was Noelle not...
"But-" I began, then realized that was the wrong approach. "Uhm...so you're not too, uh, close, then?"
"Who are you anyways?" she demanded. She looked ready to jump into the car then and there, so I took a step forward. The woman shrank back from me like I was about to attack her. I backed away.
"I'm a friend of Noelle's," I said vaguely. She looked surprised but uncaring, like she was startled that Noelle had friends but overall didn't care. "Why aren't you married?"
"That ain't none of your business," she said, bristling slightly. I opened my mouth to apologize, when she said, "No reason to be married. So we're not."
"Ah...I see." There was a long pause and she gazed at her keys, dangling tantalizingly from the ignition. "Look, uh, it might not be any business of mine but it seems to me you should talk to him." At her incredulous look, I quickly continued, "Or...something. He seems to need, er..."
"He just ain't the sort of man you talk to," she said, looking like she didn't care. "I d'nt care 'n neither does he. Dun't see why you should."
"What about Noelle?" I persisted. This conversation was getting more and more uncomfortable, but I had to do it. I had to somehow do something for her.
"Noelle...don't see why I should care about her either, she's okay."
"She...you think she's okay?" Her irresponsible, selfish behavior had always irritated me slightly, more at the back of my mind, but now it made me angry. Her own daughter, and she didn't even take the time to care about her. "Look, Noelle's not okay. You've stuck her with a physically and sexually abusive father and, at least to me, it seems you don't even give a damn!"
She only avoided my look. I would have guessed her reaction to be anger, I would have thought she would take my comment offensively, but she only sort of shrank back and would not look at me.
"You don't! You don't care about your own daughter!" Her own refusing to reply only encouraged my fury. "She doesn't deserve you - no one deserves you! Even your husband...your partner, whatever he is, he doesn't deserve you! You're just a sick, irresponsible-"
I heard a door open across the street - a curious neighbor not minding their own business, no doubt. I turned around, eyes narrowed, and the door quickly shut. Turning back to the woman, I glared angrily. "If you don't see the...the potential in your daughter, that's your loss! I don't know how she managed to survive fifteen years living with you and that man you're living with, but I'm surprised she hasn't attempted suicide!" Sehe only stared at me fearfully, torn between looking hurt and looking indifferent - no doubt wondering if she should show how she felt, indifferent, or what would get her sympathy.
"You won't get any sympathy from me," I snapped. Some inner part of me was protesting, yelling that verbally abusing a woman that didn't even know who I was wasn't only wrong, I could get in trouble for it. But another part of me, the part that was in control, knew this was how to satisfy the rage building within me. The other part protested that, deserved or not, the speech I was giving the woman was cruel and hurtful - not to mention not helping. And yet even though it may not have been worthwhile, it gave me some sense of...of power. I felt righteous, I was sticking up for Noelle...wasn't I? I felt in control, filled with a comforting anger that only increased as I went on. "You don't deserve sympathy. Is that your ploy? Run away from your abusive husband, after you have enough bruises to look pathetic and lost... Acting innocent, are you? Some poor victim? Where do you go when you run away, tell me that! D'you think they're all oblivious to your...job?"
"I'm supporting a family!" she sniffled, real tears dripping down her face. The sight of them almost made me back down. But my mind cruelly insisted she had plenty of practice, was sure that she could turn on the tears easily. Hadn't I seen her run out of the house nearly every time Noelle's father was drunk, tears streaming down her cheeks?
"A family," I snorted. "What, all of the sudden they're your family? But just a few minutes ago, he wasn't your husband and your daughter wasn't important enough to bother about. Don't tell me you actually believe you do what you do because you want money to support 'your family?'"
"He don't care what I do," she said, her voice tearful. She now seemed to view me as someone she could possibly get to pity her, maybe give her money, something. "'Sides, gets him alcohol, that's all he cares about. He don't care about me, so why should I care about him?"
"What about Noelle?" I demanded, feeling like I was repeating the question for the millionth time.
"What about her?"
"She's suffering because of the pathetic actions of you and...and her father!" She only stared at me blankly until I continued, driven by my anger. "Or is he her father? Are you sure he was the one that fathered Noelle? It seems to me that in your line of 'work' you can't be sure!"
"Th-that's not true," she whimpered, cowering against the car. Why was it that she made me feel like the antagonist and she the victim? "B-back then, I th...I th-thought he really d-did love me and..." she paused to wipe her tears, smearing them across her cheeks. Mascara trickled down along with the water flowing from her eyes, a dark stream down her face. "I thought we'd have a real life, thought maybe things would be different." When I said nothing as she paused, she hesitated and then continued. "He t-told me it'd work out, me and him both working and we could support each other, y'know? He used to be a construction worker, got paid all right. And I had this job at a...a hair salon, wasn't great but it was something and he said we'd get by, we'd manage, and someday..."
"You should've known better," I said, unable to think of anything else.
"He wasn't drinking as much then!" she cried, casting about for anything else to make her seem less at fault. "We had Noelle and he went away for awhile-"
"'Went away for awhile,'" I echoed. "Awhile? Away? Why, or did he never tell you? Did you never ask? Did you think he was still the husband that'd go to work and get paid and support your family? The one that promised you'd get by and that someday, someday, everything'd work out? Did you never stop to question these idealistic words that are worth nothing?"
"I dunno," she sniffled. "I guess the idea of a baby might've scared him, y'know more to support and all...but he came back. He wasn't drunk, neither, not then...it was only after, when she'd be cryin' all night and keepin' us up, he'd go downstairs and drink and drink, go out to get away from the noise...he had to go to work, see, he had to keep supporting us so he needed sleep so he wouldn't miss work..."
She collapsed against the side of the car. "I-it's what I thought," she sobbed. "We were doin' all right, we..."
"So it's Noelle's fault," I said angrily. "Because of you being a slut and him being an abusive alcoholic, it's Noelle's fault?" My voice was rising and I made no effort to check it. "Noelle doesn't deserve you! No one deserves you!"
"I didn't start in...in my other job-"
"Being a prostitute, you mean." My glare was cold, accusing. She flinched.
"I caught him with.." She looked evasive. "Somebody else, and he wasn't supporting us too good anymore, I had to do something!"
"You caught him taking advantage of Noelle, you selfish bitch! Admit it, admit you knew about him! And you didn't do anything!"
She cowered away from me and I realized I looked about to hit her, looked about to kill her even. I slowly lowered my arm, shocked myself. I scarcely knew what I'd been saying. "Sorry," I whispered, even as I wondered why I was sorry. What I was sorry for. Losing my temper? Giving in to the rage, the anger, just like...
Just like your uncle, my mind whispered insidiously. Wanting to hurt someone else...wanting to punish someone else...
She deserved it! I cried back desperately. The woman watched warily, unaware of the inner battle I was fighting. You're always fighting some sort of battle, aren't you, Tobias. The street seemed quiet now, like that eerie calm that settles after a storm. I wondered if the neighbors had been watching the whole time, curious, anxious for entertainment. Nothing better to do.
I turned and walked away. What else could I do, say? Nothing I had said had made a difference. Nothing I'd yelled had had any impact, except on me. It made me feel like a tyrant, a power-hungry monarch eager for dominance. Like...like my uncle, I thought resignedly.
I half expected her to call out, to yell at me to wait. But as I rounded the corner I heard the engine start up and her car speed off in the opposite direction. Of course, why would she call for me to wait? That was ridiculous. I turned to Noelle's house one last time, wondering in dread if she'd witnessed the scene. When I had left, she'd been asleep. And there was no movement at the window, no searching gray eyes staring down at me. Nothing.
And so, like I had so many other times, consumed with guilt or cowardice or something else, I walked away from the scene.

-- c h a p t e r s e v e n --

"What happened?" I asked quietly, my morph finishing. Settling on the bed beside her, I watched her self-consciously touch the dark purple bruise spreading across her cheek.
"She's gone, Tobias." I stared at Noelle uncomprehendingly, the 'she' quite obvious but the 'gone' not as much so. Gone? I had a guilty, unsettled gnawing in the pit of my stomach. Gone...where?
"Gone?" I echoed, feeling as if the truth was deliberately evading me. She was usually gone...
"She left. Two nights ago my father beat her once again and she...she took a few things and ran off without warning." Noelle looked up at me, face an emotionless mask. "He's been drunk ever since. Unconscious in the living room now."
Silence settled over the room like a blanket, the shadows languidly shifting in the golden sun of late afternoon. I finally spoke, shattering the silence. "Are you sure she's gone for good?" Neither of us spoke her name. There was a sort of understood part of it, and it seemed that to elucidate was not only unnecessary, it would change something.
"She took the car. And the little money she had hidden away." She met my eyes again, her cloudy gaze unwavering now. She sighed as if in answer to my unspoken question. "I'm all right, Tobias. You shouldn't worry about me."
"But-" The weight of it finally hit me. What had I done? She obviously had had something to push her over that point, and it wasn't just him beating her again. I stared at Noelle, wondering if she knew. What she knew. "I'm sorry," I finally said lamely. "I never expected...she shouldn't have..."
"It's not your fault." She looked over at me, the look in her eyes sincere. "It makes little difference. Here or not here, I never felt her presence. She never loved my father - or if she did, he never loved her." Noelle shrugged slightly. "Love changes things, Tobias."
I stared at her in silence for a moment, allowing my mind to travel back to that day - only a short time ago, really. Had she, did she, think herself in love with me? "Yeah," I finally answered flatly.
"You feel guilty," Noelle said. Not a question, a statement. She knew. "Don't. It wasn't your fault, and you meant well. You were trying to help."
"How do you know?" I demanded. "What if I just wanted to get back at her for everything she's done to you, what if I really was plotting to murder her out there? You don't know I went to talk to her for your sake!"
"Yes I do. I know you, Tobias."
Part of me wanted to continue to protest, to tell her that she didn't. How could she? No one knew me. Not even Rachel knew even half of me, and I wondered if anyone ever would. Did anyone ever know all of someone else? "Do you?"
She was quiet for a moment. "I think only you can answer that." Then, "Do you know you, Tobias?"
I blinked, uncomprehending of her cryptic questions. "All right, I was trying to help," I finally sighed. "But I didn't."
"That doesn't matter." Noelle looked up at me, her eyes regarding me calmly and almost sadly. "Thanks, Tobias."
I had nothing else to say. "You're welcome." Then a sigh. "What will you do now?"
Noelle looked up at me, as if the thought hadn't crossed her mind yet. "Stay here. What else can I do?" She shook her head. "Think about it. What would you have done, were you in my position? You never told me much of your childhood, but I know you were abused..."
My immediate reaction was to freeze up. I wouldn't, couldn't, talk of that. There was nothing... Look what she's shared with you, Tobias. Look what she's given. And you're afraid of what, her not understanding? Her pity? Maybe from the others, maybe from Rachel, but not from Noelle. I...yeah. I didn't know my parents, and my uncle, all my relatives, none of them wanted me. And my uncle was the one...> I trailed off, but she was only staring up at me in interested understanding.
"It's all right, Tobias. Go on."
I told her the rest, feeling somehow selfish about taking the time and yet more relieved than ever to get it out. She listened attentively the entire time, waiting patiently while I demorphed because of the time limit. I ended up staying hawk. I didn't mean...to...>
"It's all right. You needed to do that." Somehow she was right. Somehow she knew me better than I knew myself and could simply understand... "It's getting late, Tobias," Noelle said gently. "If you have more to say, you can stay. But..." She shrugged, a small glance towards the door. "I-"
I understand. Thanks, Noelle. I didn't - didn't know I could get that out.> She smiled faintly and watched me as I clutched her windowsill. Goodbye.>
"'Bye."
And I flew from the window, feeling as if somehow that freedom was a bit closer than it had ever been before.

-- c h a p t e r e i g h t --

"Bye, Jake," Cassie called as he walked out of the barn. She turned to Rachel and I, who were remaining there. Silent. "You guys can always stick around if you want," she said almost tentatively. Since we didn't seem to be speaking to one another, though I had no idea why. Rachel was angry, at least annoyed, but I didn't know what for.
"No, but thanks. We're going flying." And there was something in her tone...
"Oh, right. Of course." Cassie turned to look up at me, then down at the animal she had been tending. A raccoon, its leg broken. "Bye, then."
"I'll call you tonight," Rachel managed to get out before her mouth formed into a sharp beak and she had to use thought-speak. By the time she was fully eagle, Cassie had moved on to feeding the next animal and I was still waiting almost hesitantly on my rafter.
Come on, Tobias.> She took off, powerful wings pumping the air as she left the barn and soared above. I quickly followed, managing a See ya, Cassie,> before catching up to Rachel. She was beating her wings much more often than necessary. I soared beside her nervously.
So...how are you?>
Fine,> Rachel returned, her tone a little cold even then.
Nice thermals today.>
Yeah.>
We lapsed into silence again, she too angry or something to speak, me too unsure. It wasn't until we were soaring quietly over the middle of the forest that she spoke again.
Tobias, what is up with you?> Rachel asked, her voice somewhere between worry and annoyance. I haven't seen you at all lately.>
I was silent for a moment, just flying. Attempting to come up with an excuse. I've been...well, I don't know. A little...busy.>
Busy?> she echoed, her tone now completely annoyed. With what, catching mice? Watching soap operas with Ax? Come on, Tobias. It's not like you have a life.>
That comment stung more than she could have known. How do you know?> I retorted, angry she would just assume such. It hurt to actually realize that's how she saw me. No different from the wimp I'd been when my uncle was beating me. Still a loser. Only a loser.
She laughed almost derisively, sensing my anger and almost unconsciously becoming angry herself. What, you do have a life? Do you...I don't know, morph some college kid and go to clubs at night? Do you have a girlfriend when you're in some other form? Jeez, Tobias, of all the lame excuses->
It's not an excuse!> I interrupted. I have been busy, all right? I've been thinking a lot.> Which wasn't exactly a lie.
Thinking? Look, if you don't want to see me or something, that's just too bad, since we have to save the world together. But just because we're Animorphs doesn't mean we have to be Olive Oyl and Popeye!>
What?>
She ignored me and barreled on. Just come out with it, will you? Don't give me some crap about being busy thinking!>
Thrown off by her comment, I was silent for a brief second. It's...it's the truth, Rachel.>
It was her turn to be silent, and from the barrier steadily building between us I realized that what had guardedly started out as a harmless time of going flying could end our relationship for good. Why? my mind taunted. Because of Noelle? But it's not Noelle's fault. It's your fault, Tobias. It's your fault. I'm sorry, Rachel.>
Sorry for what?> she demanded. Just tell me that! You can't be sorry for...for thinking!> As if she realized at the same moment as I her slightly hysterical tone of voice, she continued in a lower voice but with just as much force. Tobias, you can't just brush me off like this. If something's wrong I want to know! Something I deserve to know.>
I sighed, unable to dredge up a response. What was there to say? I had no explanation, and yet I simply couldn't tell her about Noelle. It wasn't just cowardice on my part, it was something more.
Tobias!> Rachel sighed irritatedly and swerved away. You have to admit I have a reason to be mad! You're acting like I'm just some...some...other bird! I'm your fucking girlfriend, all right? Or at least, I thought I was. But I see you're too busy for me.>
That isn't it!> I protested.
Then tell me what 'it' is!> She was silent for about two seconds, waiting impatiently for the reply I didn't have. See? You can't tell me! When you can, maybe then I'll listen, all right?> Rachel plunged towards the ground and left me, soaring unsteadily on the air currents watching her helplessly.
Should I follow her? I wondered. But no, what had I to say? In all actuality, I would probably just make her angrier. I needed time to think, time to muse over what she'd said and find an answer. Is there one? I found myself doubting. Are there ever answers for everything?
It was about noon, but I wasn't hungry. Was I ever? My eating habits changed, anyway, being a hawk. And now what did I have to do? She was right, she did deserve to know. But I couldn't tell her. She deserved to know but couldn't, and I could do nothing to change that either.
What can I do? I demanded of myself, determined to find an answer. I felt trapped, lost in a problem I had created and could not solve.

-- c h a p t e r n i n e --

The afternoon was cool and silent - the former breeze that had carried Rachel and I had died down. Catching a glimpse of the sagging roof, the scratched paint of the house, I let my body plunge towards the house. Noelle's window was open, as if she had expected me. As if she was waiting.
Yes, there she was, staring unfocusedly up at the ceiling. At the flurry of wings at her window, she looked around and saw me land on the floor, beginning to demorph. A smile flickered across her face. "Tobias!" she exclaimed. "Hi."
Hey, Noelle.> My morph finished, the last traces of feathers vanishing from my human skin. She shut the window to keep out the cold air and settled back onto her place on her bed, me beside her. "How are you?" I asked, reverting to my human voice. The last traces of the dark bruise on her cheek were fading, only a faint blemish against her pale skin.
"I'm all right," she shrugged. "What about you? You haven't been here in three or four days."
I winced, barely, recalling Rachel's angry comments towards me. We hadn't spoken since - I'd been avoiding Rachel, and she had probably been doing the same of me. She's waiting for an apology. You know she deserves one. "I'm sorry," I shrugged, wondering how it was so easy to apologize to Noelle but so much harder to do the same for Rachel. "I've been busy."
Noelle nodded, then a malicious sort of smile came over her face, one I never expected from her. "Maybe you should've stayed away," she snarled and raised a knife in one hand, something I'd previously forgotten about.
"Noe-" I began, then grunted inaudibly as her fist slammed into my stomach, knocking my unprepared body to the floor. I struggled to regain my position but she was on me, the knife clutched tightly in her hand. The breath was knocked out of me as she leaned in close, the glittering blade only inches from my throat.
React, Tobias, I told myself desperately. Do something! Anything...
But the solid weight on my stomach, the familiar feeling of overwhelming defeat and helplessness - it all took me back to the too familiar days of when my uncle would beat me and...
"Is this familiar?" Noelle whispered, her eyes glittering. "Can you recall this from your past, Tobias?"
Expelling air as I thrust her body off mine, I grabbed for the knife. She stabbed wildly, catching me on the arm. I winced but the cut was light, and I'd survive. Stumbling to my feet, I knew my weight would have to be my advantage, for otherwise I was unarmed. Clutching her left arm, I ducked as she swung at me with the knife in her right. Twisting, we both lost our balance and slammed to the floor. I landed halfway on top of her, and grimaced as I felt her much lighter weight give under me. Should've picked her father, Yeerk, I thought as I pinned her left arm to the floor. Should've got me while in mid-morph.
She flailed and caught me in the stomach once with her foot, then her knife stabbed into the fleshy, tender part of my elbow. I screamed, more in surprise than pain, and clutched the inner part of my arm. I grabbed her knife arm, the other attempting to block her wild punches at my face. She caught me once on the side and I teetered on the edge of unconsciousness. I shook off the threatening blackness, and as she twisted under me to attempt to hit me again I flailed desperately and heard a sickening crack. Noelle grimaced in pain, eyes watering with agony.
I nearly tore the knife from her hand, the action a blur. Don't make me do this, Yeerk, I thought grimly as Noelle stumbled to her feet, teeth clenched. "Give up," I panted, fingers gripping the knife. "I've won."
"No," she gasped and leapt for me, her eyes wild and hungry. I turned the knife, trying to knock her out instead of stab her. Her fingers gripped onto my neck, other arm hanging limp.
"Give up," I demanded, voice ragged as I tried to shake her off. Her feet were hitting my shins hard.
I cried out as her nails raked down my neck, stabbing out wildly. Her lips parted as if she was going to speak, then her body went rigid and she collapsed.
"Noelle?"
There she lay, eyes staring up at me helplessly. "Tobias," she choked out. I gathered her limp body, setting her gently onto the bed. I'd...I'd really killed her...
Something wriggled at the entrance to her ear. Desperate to escape Noelle's dying body, the Yeerk was fleeing. I watched it squirm onto the mattress coldly. Soon it would be too late. I turned my gaze to Noelle, watching helplessly as her complexion grew pale.
"Give me wings..." she whispered, her voice choked with blood. She paused to cough and I saw flecks of blood appear on her trembling lip. She looked up at me, her gray eyes clear and filled with tears. Her lips moved silently to form the words, as she sighed and seemed to relax.
"Noelle?" I barely recognized my voice. "Noelle!" I didn't even feel the tears running down my cheeks. The sound of my own heart beating seemed to thunder in my ears, a cruel reminder of how I still lived and she lay there, eyes glazed, hands growing cold. "Noelle..."
Almost mechanically, I took her pale hands and folded them on a chest that would no longer rise and fall. I watched her for a moment, her eyes staring wistfully towards the ceiling and then the sky, her hair curling gently around her face... I almost expected her to begin breathing again, any moment. Almost thought she would sit up any time now, alive and well, her faith having carried her through as it had carried her all other times.
But she didn't.
I looked down at the knife I clutched in white fingers smeared with blood. Her blood. I flung it from me, not even watching as it hit the wall. I brushed my hand against her cool cheek once, then turned away. I turned to her desk, fumbling around in the drawer for a moment before coming up with what I was searching for. Pulling one match from the box, I scraped it against the side of the box. A few sparks were created, and then the match burst into flame. I watched as it slowly burned down the short stick, watched the flame hungrily lick at the edge of my thumb and forefinger. I didn't even feel it.
I set the match down almost reverently at her feet. The white sheets were instantly consumed with flame. I took one step towards the head of the bed, grabbing a tiny gray form lying beside her ear. Walking towards the window, I crushed it slowly, watching it squirm in my hand, watching the slime ooze from between my fingers. "There," I whispered, staring down at the remains of the yeerk. "There." Deep inside I knew it wasn't enough, no - wasn't even right. It would not, could not, compensate for Noelle's death. I knew that.
But as the flames spilled down her blankets to the floor, as they eagerly crawled up the walls and enveloped her entire bed in a pillar of flames, I didn't care. Swiftly demorphing, I turned to look back only once. Her room was on the verge of collapse, and I could barely see through the smoke. Her father was most likely in a drunken stupor downstairs, and would not know until too late.
Much too late.
I flew out the window, landing in a tree a few feet away. I watched, unemotional, as the fire spread throughout the house, until it erupted in a shower of sparks. The entire building was ablaze. I could hear sirens in the distance, but knew it would be far too late to save the house by the time they reached it. A few neighbors gathered on the lawn across the street, pointing and exchanging worried looks. One was on the phone, and another was casually smoking as they beheld the spectacle. The single mother that lived on the corner stood on her lawn, her twin boys hugging her legs as they peered at the fire with wide eyes.
The fire truck pulled down the street, sirens going and tires squealing. The firemen jumped out and made a show of getting the hose ready, when even I could see they would be too late in a few seconds. No evidence would be left of Noelle's dead body. No fingerprints of mine would reveal my visit. Nothing would remain to tell of the incident. I would be the only one to know.
One of the people watching screamed and pointed. I heard the roof crack behind me. As it collapsed, I spread my wings and moved to another tree, out of the danger zone. "Stay calm, everyone!" one fireman yelled as he hauled the hose forward. Sparks leapt from the blazing building, setting a nearby tree afire. I fled to the sky, mind distached from the entire scene. The cool breeze that held me aloft also carried the smoke in the direction of the onlookers. Coughing, they returned to their homes, watching from the safety of their houses. Faces pressed to the glass, they stared as the house's utter destruction.
The attention of the firemen was now focused upon the merrily blazing tree rather than the house. Most likely they'd given up on saving the building, content to let it burn itself down to the ground if they could only douse the tree and prevent the fire from spreading. A news truck screeched down the road, two men clibing from the car. One was a camera man, the other a reporter. I turned to fly away. I was unneeded here, it was over. The murderer did not linger at the scene of the crime. The act had been done.
I flew from the scene, feeling hollow. There was a strange distachment, a cold lack of emotion like the blood had been sucked from my body but I still lived and was waiting for my body to recognize the fact. My mind knew but had yet to react.
Behind me lay the burning remains of the building, a trail of smoke lingering on the air. I soared away, sharp eyes focused before me. I had no need to look back. The scene was imprinted deep into my mind, unable to be expunged no matter how hard I tried. I had always wished for something to keep, something that would last forever. And somehow I felt that this unwelcome memory would be just that, something that would unfortunately never leave.

-- c h a p t e r t e n --

There is no God, I thought angrily. Still feeling empty, I shouted, There is...no...God!> My words seemed to echo within my mind, repeating, repeating, in the silence. There can't be,> I continued in a quieter tone. If there was a God, how could He just desert his most faithful, loyal believer?> I got an image of Noelle kneeling solemnly before her bed, instructing me in prayer. With a choked back sob, I bitterly repeated, There is no God. There isn't. There isn't.>
How can you not have anything to believe in, Tobias? If you don't have anything to cling to, no hope to hold to, how can you last?
It was as if she was there beside me. Flying beside me on the breeze, her voice a whisper in my mind. Don't doubt Him because of me, she seemed to say. I gave you a chance to believe. Don't pass it by.
I can't,> I said, half to myself, half believing she was truly there with me. I...I don't know how. It doesn't feel right.>
You as well, Tobias. Please feel free to drop in whenever you can.
A sudden image of the kindly priest formed in my mind, his fatherly concern for Noelle, his gentle encouragement, his kindness. I'd laughed mentally then - not at him, but the idea of me, entering a church. The idea that loser Tobias could find some sort of sanctuary in God. Not exactly the holy sort, was I.
God welcomes everyone back with open arms, Father Connor had said. I'd felt out of place then, perhaps I still did. Like I was spying on some religious ritual I wasn't allowed to attend because it was too far above me. And yet...
Half an hour later, I was standing in front of the church doors, thinking nervously how uncomfortable I must look. Just go in, I told myself repeatedly. To be wimpy before your uncle is one thing, to be wimpy in front of God another. I almost turned and walked away twice, before swallowing hard and pushing open the doors. I stepped inside, trying to look inconspicious, thinking to myself it looked a bit less welcoming and quite a bit larger and empty. The door swung shut with a clang that echoed in the church with all it's high ceilings. I winced. Nothing like drawing attention to myself.
"Father Connor?" I practically whispered. I suddenly had no idea what I was doing here. It was an impulse, a stupid little idea of my mind and now-
"Tobias, is that you?" I nearly jumped, before recognizing the voice. I turned, trying to wipe that guilty look off my face. There was no reason to be guilty, I shouldn't feel like an intruder, and yet... He beamed. "You've come back!"
"Uh...yeah, I..." I trailed off. "I wanted to, uhm..."
Strangely, he seemed to understand my uncertainty. "You're always welcome here, Tobias. Please feel free to visit any time. If you need me I'll be in the back of the church." He rested one hand on my shoulder for a moment before moving away. I stared after him for a moment before taking a step forward. Are all priests full of that comfort mixed with disconcerting omniscience? I walked down the central aisle, a brief memory catching up with me. Noelle, her slender fingers warm in my hand as she pulled me through the church, wonder in her eyes. As I reached the front of the church I slipped into a pew, mind still hesitant and questioning my place here.
I glanced behind me, but the priest had disappeared into some room out of sight. I quickly made the sign of the cross as Noelle had shown me those nights ago - why did it seem like years? Bending my head, wondering the last time - besides my visit with Noelle - I'd been in a church. Too long ago to remember, it was certain. I bent my head, closing my eyes and pushing back the persistent doubt gnawing at me.
I'm here for Noelle, I thought firmly. There's nothing wrong with that.
I sighed, relaxing in the solitude I was so unused to. This isn't so bad, Tobias, I told myself. The quiet seemed strange but was quit a welcome change. The crackling sound of a roaring fire filled my memory, my teeth clenched as I recalled the slimy Yeerk flesh sticking to my bloody fingers. The angelic expression fo death on Noelle's features, the neighbors staring, the way I flew away and did not look back...
Maybe a church isn't where you belong, a voice in my head taunted. Maybe God doesn't welcome murderers back with open arms.
I took a deep, shaky breath as my clammy hands clutched the smooth wood of the pew. Forced my eyes open, mad my muscles unclench and relax. "You did the right thing," I whispered, voice sounding raw even to my own ears. "You had to do it." Wouldn't the others have done the same? Forced to kill or be killed, wouldn't they have fought as desperately to live?
"I'm sorry," I cried nearly inaudibly, dropping to my knees as if I could no longer sit under the weight of my guilt. "I don't know how to pray, I've never tried it, but Noelle once said it was just like holding a conversation with God..." I trailed off, voice unsteady. After a minute I reminded myself, this is for Noelle, and plunged uncertainly onwards.
"I've never been exposed to religion or God, Noelle was the first to talk to me about it..." A deep breath. "I still don't know if I believe, what i believe, but I'm here. I'm here and I know I've done something considered immoral by Christians and non-Christians alike. I know self-defense is an excuse for murder in the courts but it still feels wrong to me." I hesitated, half wondering just what i was doing and yet half-uncaring. I'd started and had to finish.
"I've never known anyone like Noelle - maybe no one else like her even exists. I...I feel lucky for knowing her, I feel like she's done something for me no one else could do. R-reached out..." I hesitated again, but I was alone. Who would hear anyway? "She gave me that...freedom that not even flying brought on. She gave me a gift I didn't know I could receive." I closed my eyes and stayed silent for a long moment.
"I-if there is a God, if you're listening, if you know me I don't need to explain. Things are c-complicated. We've all been something we shouldn't have to be. It's not over and no one knows what the end will bring. I guess this is only the latest in a long line of sins - not the first person I've killed." I sighed, somehow feeling lighter than before. "I don't even know if I believe...in you...but Noelle does - did. That's enough right now at least for...me."
I broke off, startled to feel a tear rolling down my cheek. Though I quickly wiped it away, another took its place, and another.
"I guess I wanted to say th-thank you," I finally whispered. "Noelle didn't deserve this but the world's a cruel place. And i-if faith like hers isn't rewarded, I guess...I guess it's a lot crueler than I thought."
I sat in silence for a moment, lost in my thoughts. I'd just blurted out everything on the top of my mind, mostly about Noelle. I slipped from the pew, nervously glancing about me. But the building was empty, save for me. I sighed and took a step back, wondering if I had even done the right thing in coming. What harm could it have done? I asked myself. There was no reason not to come. Quickly making the sign of the cross, I murmured, "Amen," and spun to walk out of the church. There was a sort of unreal quality about the moment, as if I was only dreaming it. At the entrance I stopped and turned, looking back at the empty church I was about to vacate. If it weren't so real I would have guessed I was dreaming, the entire idea of today being completely ludicrous. Forced to kill Noelle. Praying in a church.
"I'm sorry, Noelle," I said softly. I remembered my prayer, the words that poured from my mind uncontrollably, as if having been held behind a dam until now. "You didn't deserve this. You were a part of something you shouldn't have been..." I could still see the flecks of blood startlingly red against her pale complexion, could still see the tears glittering in her eyes... Now away from the room, now thinking back, I realized her tears were not over her death. It was unlike Noelle to mourn for herself. I knew now she hadn't been crying for her death, or even her life, but for me. For me.
This was what the war was about. Freedom for all, I guess, but mostly, the killing of innocents. The murder of people not even aware of the fight, the robbing of childhood from children, the way people died with tears in their eyes, not for themselves, but for the world. For everyone else who still had time to change, to reform, to make a difference.
Before I could break down again, I turned and left, muscles tensed and mind exhibiting all control to prevent me from running. The brilliant sunset blazed through the sky to the west, an array of colors across the sky. I stared up at it for a moment, thinking. Allowing my mind, finally free of the dam that blocked it, to run over the memories it cherished, even those it wanted to forget.
Another sun sank in my mind, a warm glow spreading across the world before it raced for the horizon. It's beautiful, I heard myself saying, the echoes of my words ricocheting through my mind. A pair of lips seeking mine, a halo of gold falling around her, a shower of rainbows dancing in the mist before dissipating as quickly as they formed. It's beautiful...
It was something I never realized before, something Noelle had shown me, in her own roundabout way. So much beauty in the world - beauty in everything. Something there in everything, everyone... She had seen that. Somehow, I don't know how, she had realized that in so much darkness there was still light. It wasn't being an optimist, not really. Just looking for what no one else realized was there, seeing something no one else took the time to see.
I demorphed behind the bushes of the church, clothes left inconspiciously beneath one bush. Perhaps someone would find them, give them to the Salvation Army or some such organization. I didn't know. There was nothing else I could do.
On hawk wings I soared towards the sky, reaching up to soar upwards into the sunset. Clouds were slipping across the sky, a curtain of marbly gray overshadowing the brilliance of the setting sun. I drifted upwards, floating on the breeze. Soaring. Thinking. Flying free.
Free, I thought quietly, the word floating on my brain as I did under the clouds. Was I? Had I ever been? Had I always been?
I'm sorry, Noelle, I whispered to the sky. I loved you.
And, plunging to the earth, I headed the last place I would have expected to go - and yet the only place I could.

-- c h a p t e r e l e v e n --

Rachel?> She looked up, her eyes wide. Quickly coming to the window, she unlocked it and let me in. I fluttered to her desk, careful not to mark the wood. Staring up at her, I realized she'd been crying.
She stood there in silence for a minute, sort of avoiding my gaze. Finally, she said hesitantly, "Tobias. I...I wasn't expecting you."
I guess I wasn't expecting to come.> She sighed and sat down. I looked at her, into her clear blue eyes, and realized something I'd never realized before. She was human under all her acting, more human than I guess even I'd taken the time to see. Under that warrior's exterior, under the coldness and beauty, she was just as human as the rest of us. Just as helpless, just as...
Rachel?> She looked up tiredly. Did anyone ever tell you how beautiful you were?>
"What?" She looked confused, then annoyed. "Yes, actually. And if you think yo-"
Did any of them mean it?>
She stared at me for a few quiet seconds, then frowned slightly. I knew I'd been one of those people before. One of them who looked at her and saw the beautiful warrior, not the girl inside. Someone who needed her, but never stopped to think that she might need them. "How am I supposed to-"
Did they?>
"No." Looking almost startled at her response, she added, "I mean, I don't think-"
I do. Mean it, that is.>
She rolled her eyes, hesitated. "God, I can't believe I'm falling for this. You think you can just...just...forget about me for weeks on end, then come back, tell me I'm beautiful, and all will be forgiven?" Rachel sighed. "I've learned not to go for that cheap line, okay? It's just another lie. And if you think somehow being...being you is going to make a difference..." Her voice sounded choked. "Well it's not! I don't...I don't care..."
I'm not lying, Rachel. I don't blame you for hating me now, but don't deny everything that's true because it could be false.> She was watching me warily, biting her lip. Look, I - I don't know if you believe me or not, but what I said to you before was true. I have been thinking lately, and...> I trailed off. Noelle's laughter gently tickled my ears, her smile dancing before my mind's eye. I got a sudden picture of her, letting her father abuse her, enduring without crying out. He needed her, like she needed him. And, I realized, like I needed her. I suppose I'd denied it, telling myself I was going there for her -- but I needed her, a lot more than I had admitted. I'd needed what she had to show me. I'd needed to know her wisdom, her faith. Her love, in her own way.
"And?" Rachel prompted, looking torn between impatience and tears.
And I realized how...how...>
I saw Noelle, her face conflicted with pain and determination as she calmly, almost mechanically, placed the tip of the knife against her skin, ready to draw it with careful precision across her flesh. Noelle, gently biting her lip as she considered my questions. Her eyes shining with faith as she knelt beside me, voice clear and unwavering as she prayed. Her breath, a warm touch on my cheek; her lips gently caressing mine - hesitant yet sure.
I...>
Rachel pressed her lips together slightly. Almost unnoticeably, but I was watching her carefully. I hesitated. Believe me, all right? When you told me you had a reason to be angry, you were right. You did - you do. But I'm sorry for what I can't tell you, I just want you to know that anything that's happened over these last days made me realize...> I glanced around. Life's so short and fragile, Rachel. I wanted you to know that I...> I trailed off again. I couldn't say it. Somehow it felt so awkward here, so difficult.
Don't be a coward, Tobias.
I remembered Noelle's father, his weaknesses leading him to take advantage of Noelle. And how I'd left, how she'd wanted me to leave and so I had. I'd run away, like I'd run away from so many other things over the years.
What we could do is different than what we do do.
Isn't it?
It doesn't have to be.
I love you, Rachel. I didn't - and I guess I still don't - know how much but I do.>
Her eyes softened for a moment, the anger draining from her voice like it never belonged there. "I always fall for the stupid sentimental stuff," she muttered under her breath. "Why do I always do that??"
Because you need someone to love you too, I didn't say. Because you're just as human as me, as Noelle. As Noelle's father, as her mother. We all have our faults, and yet...
I'm sorry.>
"I forgive you, I guess," she sighed, and I knew the 'I guess' never belonged there to begin with. "Or at least I'll consider it."
I laughed quietly. Okay. I just wanted to come by to apologize for...for earlier. I guess I should go now.>
"Yeah, it's getting late," Rachel agreed guardedly. "Bye, Tobias." There was a pause. "Thanks for stopping by."
I flew from her windowsill, out into the darkness. It wa over, more or less. She'd forgiven me but we hadn't quite made up. She'd accepted my apology, but there was still something between us. She's not Noelle, I reminded myself sharply. Don't expect her to be.
I hadn't told her about Noelle. Hadn't tried to explain, hadn't told her the whole truth. It wouldn't have helped if I had. Rachel isn't the kind of person that forgives easily. She wouldn't have thanked me for telling her the truth, wouldn't have believed me when I said Noelle and I had just been friends.
Had we? Yes, at least friends - perhaps more, but what I had with Rachel I never would have had with Noelle. And what I had had with Noelle wasn't possible with Rachel. It just...wasn't. I couldn't expect her to be Noelle, I couldn't make her change. Rachel was Rachel. Saying I loved both of them amounted to nothing. I couldn't compare the two - they were two entirely different things. Noelle had something I had, something in common, something the same. Some weakness, some strength, some emotion that bound us together.
I pictured her there, imagined her in the realm of the god she so staunchly believed in. The image of heaven was a little hard to comprehend, but I focused on her. Somehow I could see her so clearly, arms outstretched like the angels they show in pictures, a gentle halo of light crowning her and her beautiful wings holding her in the sky.
Give me wings with which to fly...
If I had been human, I was nearly sure tears would be staining my cheeks. But I could not cry, not in hawk form - a mixed blessing, perhaps. Summoning the image of her, I smiled mentally. She was home, it seemed. Dead, gone - but Noelle had never belonged on Earth to begin with. I almost compared her to Jesus, wondering if that was a sin. But she wasn't perfect, she was human, after all. But above me, above the rest, above the selfishness and close-mindedness that bound us to mortality. An angel, I thought briefly. An angel.
The clouds parted, giving me a quick glimpse of glittering stars before they fell back to shield the sky once more. I landed on the gnarled branches of my tree, still lost in contemplation. I half-smiled as I watched the skies, the overcast, dreamy gray of her eyes. As if she was looking down on me. Watching me. Watching out for me.
You're still with me even now,> I whispered, my feathers ruffling as the wind blew past my tree, causing the few leaves to shiver. She was still here, some part of her. In the trees, in the sky. In the beauty that still lingered in the world - the rainbows bringing hope after a storm, the stars that remained after the clouds moved on.
I saw something sparkle behind the overcast skies, a tiny look at the far-off orbs shining above me. I felt some inexplicable sadness, but at the same time...peace? Noelle had been a gift, a brief message sent to help me. Perhaps to help everyone. I remembered what she had said when she had first met me, when she had thought me to be a sign sent to her from God. Her guardian angel, watching over her. I wasn't the sign from God, I thought. You were. You came to me and showed me more than anyone else could.
She'd been the real sign, the one sent for me. An angel. My guardian angel.