Emma looked in the rearview mirror of her old beetle as the vehicle approached the town line. Unlike the other time she wouldn't lose her memories now, and even though it comforted her, at the same time it drives her crazy. It was precisely because of so many memories that she was leaving in the middle of the night on the eve of her marriage to Killian. She was tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, trying to distract herself with the beat of the music that echoed low in the speakers. A craze that she had since childhood and that somehow helped her with her anxiety. She had a destiny in mind and in her thoughts, was the only one that made sense after all. She was going to the apartment she lived in before Henry appeared at her door that night. It was the only thing that was hers and Emma needed to feel it now. She needed to feel that she had something that was hers and that she could hold on to it, hide, feel safe. She sighed thinking about how Killian would feel when he woke up and read the brief note she had left on the nightstand beside the bed. Maybe he'd expected it somehow or maybe he'd turn the world upside down until found her, or maybe just let her alone without saying how much she was responsible for his happy ending. Emma thought about how Regina and Henry would feel when they read the note and the letter she left in the mansion and prayed that at least her son would understand her motives. She thought of her parents and how they would react when they read the note she had left for them under their door. Snow would probably go into denial and David would understand. He always understood her. It was easy to talk to him most of the time, but how could she reach him and say the words that had seemed stuck in her throat for so many years? How could she look Regina in the eye and tell how she really felt? For a moment she thought Regina would make some move the night they ended up at that bar, but Regina did not. And neither did she. She was not the Savior. She was just a woman with too much fear to deal with her feelings, to fight for her own happy ending and so she was running away in the middle of the night. Yes, running away. In addition to meeting people this was another thing in which she was very good. Years away from abusive homes, the police, people who just wanted to take advantage of her, her fears, her feelings made her good at it. She remembered when Regina had told her that she knew that Emma wouldn't stay in Storybrooke for a long time because she didn't take root, that she always moved and that it would break Henry's heart and then she would finally have her son back. Emma laughed bitterly at the memory. So much had happened since then. They had changed so much since then. From enemies to enemies who work together to save their son and then Neverland came, and things changed, and it was then that Emma realized what she felt for Regina. There, on the edge of town, as they parted with Pan's curse in pursuit. There, in the edge of town, between tears and promises of new memories. There, on the edge of town, where they both left their walls to collapse and showed their vulnerabilities to each other in a way they had not dared to do before.
She closed her eyes for a moment as she crossed the town line almost as if hoping her memories would disappear, but she knew that wouldn't happen. She was next to Regina when the brunette put the protection spell back on and she herself helped make the changes so people could leave without suffering consequences. The drive to Boston was quiet and faster than she'd expected. Emma glanced over her shoulder to the backseat where her things were, in boxes. Like when she moved to Storybrooke; there were not many belongings. She parked in the garage and came up with her boxes collapsing on the couch shortly thereafter and drifting into sleep.
(…)
Regina woke to the sound of knocking at her door and mumbled against the pillow. She didn't know what time it was, but it was probably sooner than she'd like. Her head ached, and the light made her eyes hurt as she turned. She immediately regretted the amount of alcohol ingested the night before.
"Go away." She murmured, covering her face with the blanket.
The beats kept getting louder and louder until she gave up and stood up. She grabbed her robe and tied it around her waist as she descended. Her eyebrows arched in surprise as she watched Killian Jones standing at her door, his face contorted in a grimace and his eyes red. Instantly her heart squeezed, and she wondered if anything had ever happened to Emma.
"Where is she?" He demanded as he entered the mansion before she could say anything.
"Excuse me?" The tone of irritation in her voice was clear and she watched him warily.
"Emma. Where is she?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about, pirate."
Without a word he just held out the note to her and Regina tried to ignore the tightness in her chest. Her heart pounding as she read the single line written on the piece of paper. Killian, I cannot do that. I'm sorry.
"What-"
Before she could say anything else, the sound of hurried footsteps on the stairs caught her eye, and before she could tell Henry not to run the boy's expression made her remain silent.
"She left." Henry said at once.
Regina looked confused from one to the other and then her son's words struck her like lightning in a storm and with a flick of her wrist she made Killian disappear from her house and then the door slammed shut.
Henry ran to her and hugged her, not knowing what to do or what to say. He didn't imagine Emma would leave. He had noticed that she had been different since she and Regina came back from that alternate reality created by the Queen's desire, but he thought everything would be all right. He wished that everything would be all right. He handed Regina the note Emma had left for him, and the brunette felt her heart beat faster and faster as she read those lines.
Hey, kid, I want you to know that I'm not abandoning you. I would never make this mistake twice, but I really need a time away from everything, away from everyone. There are things that I cannot explain to you now and honestly, I do not know if I can one day, but I promise we'll see each other again. While I'm gone take care of your mother for me, please. You know that she tends to be stubborn and impulsive and that she does not feed herself well when something unexpected (and usually she cannot control) happens. You certainly remember when the forest guy left and how she was at the time, so please take care of her. And do not even think about loosing your studies. My departure is no reason for this. I love you.
Regina had not realized when tears began to stream down her face and she didn't care. Henry was one of the few people she'd let see her vulnerable. When his eyes met hers again he had tears struggling not to fall as he handed her a photo that Emma had left with the note. The photo had been taken after Robin had left with Marian and Roland. Emma, Henry and she were at Granny's sitting at a table in the corner and each had a cup of milk shake in front of them with a large chunk of fries in the center of the table. She and Emma were sitting side by side and he was on the bench in front of them. It was rare when the two of them sat side by side, but it was the times she liked the most. They were talking about something she couldn't remember now, and they smiled the way it always did, and Henry had a huge smile on his face as he watched them. She had never seen this picture before and certainly had not noticed it the day it was taken. Snow probably had registered the moment without their realizing it, and at some point, it was in Emma's hands.
She returned it to Henry with shaking hands and ran back to her room hoping that Emma had left something for her to explain why she was leaving, but at the same time she prayed that there was nothing and that all this was nothing more than a great misunderstanding, but as always life seemed to play with her and there it was: on her dresser there was an envelope with her name. She took it with her hands even more shaken and sat down on the bed to read.
This is certainly the most difficult letter of all. I do not expect you to understand my reasons. At least not now, but I had to leave. I can't go on with this lie and with a relationship where everything is built based on lies from the beginning. I don't love him, you know? Not really, but it was nice to finally feel wanted and I know I mean so much to him and at first, I really thought he could mean something to me, I thought it might work.
For some time, I felt safe in a way. A feeling that I searched for a long time and he loves me. But that's not enough to build a relationship, isn't it? This feeling must come from both sides, and the truth is that there has never been any love on my part. It was comfortable, it was safe. But his arrogance and his lies reached a level that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't ignore it anymore. He killed my grandfather and why? For nothing! He almost killed you all and still I kept up with him! Heavens! How could you forgive me for that? I was so desperate fearing of being alone that I ignored anything that came from him just to have someone who somehow loved me, wanted me, chose me. Unfortunately, that was not enough for me. Or should I say happily?
You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I'm so sorry that I didn't keep my promise and give you your happy ending, Regina. For my sake Robin is dead and there isn't a trip to the underworld we can do to bring him back. I tried to fix this by encouraging you to bring the other Robin with us when we came back from that wish realm, but it doesn't seem to work too well either. God! I always ruin everything. I told Henry that someday we'll see each other again and that's for real. Although I do not know when that will happen. At least now you are saved. The black fairy is gone, and Rumple and Belle finally have a chance to save their son.
Regina, I hope you can forgive me for running away in the middle of the night instead of facing what scares me the most, but it turns out that I can handle very well with evil fairies, Dark Ones, time travel, ogres, and other things, but I've never been very good at dealing with myself. It was always easier to get away. I know that eventually you and Henry will be okay, just like my parents and Killian. Eventually I'll be fine too. So, I hope. Who knows in another life I will not be the one who ran away.
The idiot,
Your Emma.
That letter is enough for Regina to collapse. Its gravity gone, maybe forever. She is shaking, her sobs are rising, her body shaking harder and then she slides off the bed sitting on the floor with the letter still in her hands. She looks at the piece of paper again, but her eyesight is blurred by tears, yet she can still read the scrawled Idiot word again and let out a choked laugh with her sobs and tears.
(…)
When Emma wakes up late in the morning she sees countless messages and missed calls on her cell phone. Killian, Henry, her parents... but none of Regina. She feels her heart clench as she realizes that there is not even a message from the brunette, but she decides to put that feeling aside and only responds to Henry's messages saying she was fine and asking him not to tell Killian or his grandmother that she contacted him and that at the right time she would answer them.
She gets up and resolves to organize her things before doing any other task. When she decided to leave Storybrooke, Emma thought of everything. She would go back to her old apartment, return to work as bail bondsman, and go on with her life. It would take a while to forget Regina and her feelings for her, but eventually that would happen right? At least that was what Emma expected.
As she packed up her things, she remembered the night Henry appeared in her apartment saying that he was her son and that she needed to go with him to a town she had never heard of to break a curse. She remembered when she lived with Henry in NY, and that, despite the circumstances, was a good life. When she took the potion, Killian had brought so she could remember everything Regina was in her memories, and from the moment it all came back the only thing she wanted was to back for Storybrooke and find the brunette again, and who knows, with some courage to confess what she felt, but that was not what happened. When they arrived, there was another villain to defeat and then there was Robin and that stupid story of fairy dust and soul mate and then Regina was with him and, so she started to date Killian. She shook her head to dismiss those thoughts and focused on the task of organizing her few things.
(...)
"I don't know what led her to leave, Snow." Regina said slowly as she massaged her temples. She had managed to escape the woman for a few hours, but by nightfall she had no choice but to open the door for Hurricane Snow to enter. "What Emma did was a surprise to me as much as it is to you."
"But today was her wedding day!"
"Apparently she didn't want to get married."
"But Killian is her true love!" Snow demanded.
"It is?" Regina looked at her with arched eyebrows and a sarcastic smile on her lips. "Please refresh my memory, because I do not remember a kiss of true love between them and no act other than him wanting to kill us when he discovered that Emma had made him the Dark One. Or did this happen as he chased her up and down every corner of town like an abandoned dog until she finally gave in? Or was it at all times that he lied to her?"
"Regina..."
"No, Snow!" She took a step toward the woman who cringed on the couch. They had not quarreled for years, and Snow couldn't remember when it had been the last time she'd seen Regina so furious. Her hands were opening and closing at the side of her body and she could feel the slight tremble in her lips as she spoke. "You insisted on this ridiculous idea of true love. Emma never wanted this, she never believed it! You wanted a wedding, a party, a celebration. Emma never wanted any of this. She preferred something simpler, but you wanted a princess wedding for her."
"I tried to make her give up the idea and wait a little longer, but no one ever listens to me." David said more to himself than to both.
"Good God! You two are such idiots!" Regina cried in frustration. "Emma did not even want to get married!"
Without another word, she disappeared in her purple smoke, leaving them behind, gaping.
"How come Emma didn't want to get married?" Snow looked at her husband with wide, confused eyes.
David just shrugged and knowing they had nothing else to do there he led Snow out of the mansion and waited until the click of the door was locked, ensuring Henry was safe.
(…)
Regina opened her eyes trying to focus on the place in front of her just to realize she was standing in front of Zelena's house. She snorted and turned to walk away, but before she could disappear into her smoke again she felt the redhead's hand gripping her wrist.
"What are you doing? Let me go, Zelena!"
"Not until you tell me what's going on." Zelena relaxed the grip on her wrist, praying that Regina would not disappear. "I may not know you as well as Emma, but I know enough to see the disturbance in your magic. I've never seen your eyes of this color before and that's enough for me to know that there's something very, very wrong.
"What you mean?" Regina widened her eyes in surprise, condemning herself for not having noticed such a lack of control of her magic.
"Your eyes are purple. The same tone of your smoke. Our eyes change only when our magic is disturbed for some reason." There was no disapproval or judgment in Zelena's voice, only genuine concern. "I know we started the wrong way, and we keep going wrong in a lot of ways after Regina, but I really want a chance to be your sister. To help you, and, who knows, to take care of you if need be. I had a small taste of what I could have when your other half was on the loose around here and for the first time I felt wanted. Even though she later betrayed me because of Rumplestiltskin."
Regina took a deep breath and looked closely at the woman in front of her. Maybe she could sit and talk to Zelena and try to be the sister she was looking for just as the redhead was trying to be hers. She remembered the day before when she had given up her magic to save them and her promise to look after little Robyn should something happen to her and then Emma... Emma with her big, intense green eyes getting into the moment and saying that she would help Regina to take care of Robyn if something happened to her. With what right did she promise that when she was about to marry that one-handed pirate and break her heart in more pieces than any other had broken before? With what right did she make one more promise she couldn't keep?
"That's because of her, isn't it?" Zelena asked softly, pulling her thoughts away. When Regina looked at her with half-closed eyes and a defiant look, the redhead smiled and continued. "It's because of Emma Swan. Your magic is disturbed because of her. And do not try to deny it, Regina. I saw the way you look at her. I saw your look when her mother took the dress for her to prove it and Fiona appeared. I saw your gaze when she said that Hook had asked her to marry him. By the way, wasn't she her wedding with the pirate who stinks rum today?
"She left." Regina answered at once.
"She what?" Zelena let go of her sister's wrist and looked at her carefully. "When?"
"During the night."
Without saying anything, Zelena led them into the house and guided Regina to the room where she had never been before. It was cozy and comfortable and somehow made her feel at home.
"I think you're going to need this." Zelena smiled as she handed a glass of whiskey to her sister. "Now tell me what happened to our dear savior to run away in the middle of the night."
Regina took a deep breath and took a long sip of the whiskey, closing her eyes as the liquid trickled down her throat.
She began to explain to Zelena about the letters and notes that Emma had left before leaving. The redhead listened carefully, and by her look, Regina knew that her mind was working quickly gathering all the information she was giving. Even if she didn't want to admit it, she knew her sister was a good strategist and very quick to figure things out, and because she was out of the situation, she might be seeing things she did not see.
"I knew it!" Zelena smiled when Regina showed her the letter Emma had left with her name. "My God! You two are so stubborn and fearful! Could it be that all those years and everything that has happened between you has been of no use? Could neither one of you have realized what was in front of your noses, or are you both too cowardly to believe?"
"Zelena, I don't understand where you're going." Regina narrowed her eyes and her tone made it clear she wasn't about to argue about whatever her sister might say.
"Regina, this woman sacrificed her soul, her heart for you! So that you could be happy. She did not do it for the pirate or her parents or anyone else. It was for you! And then you did your best to go to her in another realm and you had her blanket with you when not even her mother owned it. By the way, why was with you? It doesn't matter now." Zelena continued speaking without giving Regina a chance to interrupt. "And then when we got to Camelot she gave you the dagger! The only thing that could control her. The only thing that could destroy her and, yet she delivered it to you without even blinking. And then another day, not too long ago you told me in one of our fights that you chose to go underworld with her. You fight like a couple who have been together for a long time, understand what the other wants or needs only with a look, your magic is invincible when you perform it together, you have raised a child together! Speaking of magic, have you noticed the colors of yours? Especially when combined. I have!"
"And you think that because of this..."
"I do not think anything." Zelena interrupted her. "I'm just showing you the facts. Who does all this if not for love? Who passes through all this if it is not for love? Tell me, Regina, what did you do to stop Robin from leaving with me when you thought I was his late wife? What did you do to bring him back? You have not considered even going beyond the line of this town to go after him. You only went to him because Emma needed to find Maleficent's daughter and you seized the opportunity. Now tell me sincerely, Regina: if Maleficent hadn't practically forced Emma to look for her daughter would you have gone after him? You chose Emma instead of him when you found out I was with him! Why would you choose this if it were not for love?"
"To give up your magic must have affected your mental capacity." Regina murmured.
"When I was sheltering your other half here we talked a lot..." Zelena smirked at a certain panic in her sister's eyes. "She told me very interesting things."
Regina felt her blood boil. How did her other half dare to tell their deepest secrets to anyone? Even if that person was her sister. They had not been sisters all their lives. Regina didn't know what it was to have a sister to whom she could confide her secrets, her fears, her wishes. She didn't know what it was to have someone she could count on when everything was falling over her head until Emma arrived. Someone who was always beside her, but who did not put a hand on her head when she made a mistake. Someone who comforted her, but who also challenged her. Someone who would choose her. The only person who had sacrificed for her before had been her father. Her father who loved her unconditionally. Loved... The word echoed in her mind and seemed to hit her with everything. Unknowingly the tears began to flow down her face and she closed her eyes remembering every moment one had sacrificed herself for the other, in all the times their magic had combined and even defeated the impossible like that trigger that would destroy the town or that Hades spell to imprison them in the underworld. When she opened her eyes Zelena was smiling affectionately at her, but her gaze expressed a contentment like a teenager when she convinced her parents about something they were not willing to accept. Without a word she just disappeared in her purple smoke leaving a smiling Zelena behind.
(…)
Emma looked at her cell phone once more and sighed when she saw that she had not yet received any signal from Regina. Maybe the brunette didn't mind her departure. Maybe she was not missing her. Maybe Emma had played it wrong every time, and her feelings had never been reciprocated in any way, not even an attraction. The touch of her device took her out of her thoughts and she only sighed when she saw another call from Killian. He had called and texted all day, alternating between angry messages and messages begging her to come back. All his calls went to the message box and she heard them later. He seemed drunk on most of them and Emma deduced that he had spent part of his day drinking. She had not yet answered any of her messages. Deep down she feared that if she spoke to him she might end up giving way once more and returning to him. You need to stop with the illusion that you can be happy with someone you don't love. He does not want you because he loves you. He wants you to show off as a prize, to prove that villains also have happy endings.
"Villains do not have happy endings." Emma muttered to herself. "Regina will have a happy ending because she is no longer a villain. She wasn't a villain for a long time. She's a hero now."
She let her thoughts travel to Regina one more time, and how things between them had changed since the night Emma had arrived in Storybrooke. She remembered when she fell into the portal of time with Hook and ended up at King Midas's ball and met the Queen and then after the guards took her to Regina's castle her memory was confused, and she could not quite know what would have happened until she had escaped from prison with Marian. She felt as if part of her memory had been erased or clouded on purpose and each time she tried to remember what had happened in the meantime her mind was redirected to the ball or by the time she met Killian with her father and Ruby. Emma remembered when Regina relinquished Henry and gave her new memories to save them from Pan's curse. Since Killian had appeared in NY behind her and had her take the potion she wondered if the memories of baby Henry they were in her mind was Regina's memories or if she only created them for her. For some reason Emma thought those memories were moments the brunette had had with her son and that made her heart warm. Henry had been loved from the first moment and he had helped Regina find the way to love again. She wouldn't change anything in her life.
(…)
A few weeks had passed since Emma was gone and things were slowly returning to normal in the lives of those who stayed in Storybrooke. After the third discussion with Regina, Snow stopped trying to prove that Killian and her daughter were true love and that she had run away because she was afraid of the weight of the marriage. David had intervened in the last quarrel between the two when a fireball appeared in Regina's hand. Killian had been prowling around town for a few days - drunk most of the time - until he realized that Emma would not be coming back to him, and then the pirate had left on his ship with Liam and Nemo.
It wasn't because of me that she left. He'd told Regina one afternoon when she'd gone after him. I thought I could compete. I thought one day she would come to love me as she loves Your Majesty, but I was a fool to think that I could compete with that. The way she looked at you... there's nothing in the world that could compete with that. I know because I just felt that love for three people in my life. Killian took another sip of his rum and smiled. And I lost all three. When I met Swan, and knew who she was I thought I could get her to give me what I had lost one day. She is the savior. It was her duty to give me a happy ending. Except that I did not want to accept that she had already chosen her happy ending and the person to whom she would happily give the happy ending. When you came after me in the underworld and couldn't bring me back, I made her promise to move on with her life, that she would be happy and then Zeus thought it would be right to send me back after I helped to extinguish Hades life. What kind of brother is he? But I'm a pirate. I steal things, I'm selfish so I just thanked him and accepted this new chance. And for what?
Regina rubbed her temples with her left hand as her right slid over the picture on her desk. Henry had given her the photo that Emma had left with him before she left, and since then the brunette had kept her close by and took every moment by herself to look at the picture as if she expected Emma to return to the town in by magic.
"And here I was thinking that by now you would have set the world on fire for her." David's voice startled her, and she did not have time to hide the picture on the table. "I took the picture." He smiled proudly. "You were so light, so distracted, so... happy. Until that day I had never stopped to pay close attention to how you seemed to attract each other like two magnetic fields. How her eyes shone every time your eyes met, or how your smiles lit up next to each other."
"I'm not in the mood for your speeches, Charming."
"Oh, but I'm not here to give a speech." He smiled and sat down before her without waiting for a permit. "I'm here hoping to put some sense into you and make you move to go after her. I'm pretty sure you have at least an idea of where she might be."
"If Emma wanted to be found, she would have left an address."
"I almost miss that queen who would relentlessly pursue what she wanted. That would turn every stone in the kingdom to find something she wanted." David teased with a smile. His gaze was distant as if he were remembering a moment as he spoke to her. "Unless you don't feel for her..."
"I think you'd better stop right there, Charming." Regina stared at him. "If Emma sensed something like all of you are insinuating she would have at least called me to say she's okay. Or sent a message."
"Are you telling me you haven't talked to Emma since she left?" David's eyes widened. "God, Regina! You're really stubborn. Maybe worse than Emma." He buried his face in his hands and cursed something she didn't understand. "Zelena was right. You two are too stubborn to be together without anyone helping. I really thought you could take the first step after she left. After Killian finally gave it up and left with his ship I do not care from where."
Regina shrugged, blushing slightly, and wanting to slap herself for receiving this kind of reprimand from David. Who did he think he was to talk to her like that? If they were all so sure of what Emma felt for her then why didn't anyone ever say anything?
"I always thought that if anyone were to take the first step, it would be you, Regina." David got up and smiled. "Do not let your fears stop you from going after my daughter."
Before she could say anything, David was already leaving the studio, leaving her with even more questions. She shook her head and put the picture in the drawer and went to prepare dinner.
(…)
Emma came home exhausted after an intense day at work. She had been working on this case for two weeks and the guy was harder to catch than she had imagined, but after Maggie's help, one of the new girls, she had finally managed to catch the guy and handed him over to the authorities.
She set the keys on the table beside the door and took off her shoes, sighing low as her feet touched the cold floor of the apartment. Even in her thick socks because of winter, the cold was doing that day had found a way to reach her skin. She dropped her purse and coat in the armchair and slipped on the slippers that were waiting for her. Emma walked to the kitchen and made a hot cocoa with cinnamon and turned on the TV searching for something to distract her.
Emma was almost falling asleep when the doorbell of her apartment rang startling her. She looked at her watch and it was almost midnight. Frowning, she got up and walked to the door a little sleepy.
"Maggie, I already told you I'm not going to dinner-"
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Miss Swan, but I'm not that Maggie you're expecting." Regina's voice lifted her out of her sleep, causing Emma to jerk her head up sharply.
"Regina?" Emma stared at the doorway, her eyes wide. "How did you find me?"
"I've learned a thing or two with you over the years, Miss Swan." Regina smirked. "Are you going to let me in or are we going to stand here all night?"
The blonde gave way to her to enter without being able to utter a phrase. Emma closed the door, and when she turned, she stumbled, cursing softly as Regina held herself so as not to laugh.
"Hm ... uhm ... Make yourself at home?"
"Eloquent as always." Regina teased.
The brunette looked around the apartment. It had a beautiful view of the city with its huge windows that ran practically from ceiling to floor. The place was cozy and somewhat upscale. Simple as Emma Swan, but there was that thing that always attracted people's attention.
"You came alone?" Emma finally managed to utter a phrase without stammering. "How did you get here? Not even Henry knows where I am." She stopped looking around, biting into the inside of her cheek. "Can I offer you some water, some coffee... something?"
"Thank you, Emma, but I'm fine." She smiled. "Like I said, I've learned a thing or two with you over the years." Regina raised an eyebrow, but she couldn't help the smile on her lips. "Is that how you plan to spend Christmas, Miss Swan? Watching an old movie, alone, away from your family?"
"Hey! Home Alone it's a great movie!"
"Of all I've said, that's the only thing she's been able to absorb?"
"What do you want me to say?" Emma pout and sat down on the couch with her arms folded. "I thought the letter made my motive clear."
"Some of them, yes, but there are some things I did not understand."
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"The truth, Emma." Regina sighed. She sat down next to the blonde and took one of her hands between hers. The simple gesture burning like ember between them sending shivers through their bodies. "I thought after all we'd been through there would be no more room for secrecy between us."
"As if you opened up to me." Emma grumbled, fleeing from the brunette's intense gaze.
"I try, Emma." Regina replied, making it clear she had heard what she had said. "But sometimes it's hard for me. There are things that I do not understand and others that I do not allow myself to understand. There are things I'd rather ignore in the hope that someday it will just disappear the way it appears. These are feelings." Regina paused, taking a deep breath, and choosing the words carefully. Her first instinct was to make up some excuse or say something even arrogant, but Regina was no longer that woman when they first met. She bit her lower lip thinking that what she said from now on could be a complete disaster or could be the solution to all their problems. If David and Zelena were right that would be the most magnificent thing that would ever happen in their lives, but if they were wrong... She considered not to say anything to protect Emma, but looking at the blonde in front of her with her emeralds shining in anxiety and fear; she knew she couldn't lie or say anything that was not true because Emma had been cheated and abandoned many times in her life and no matter how much she said no, Regina still felt responsible for so much pain in her life. Regina didn't want to think about that, so she nodded slowly and moistened her lips before continuing. When she looked up again her eyes met Emma's and she saw so much expectancy, so much fear, so much love in them that she thought she could drown in so many feelings. "These are feelings that have been forgotten or ignored by me. They are feelings that I do not allow myself to feel because whenever I let someone get close enough I ended up losing. I've been broken in every way possible through life, Emma. I learned very early not to trust even my mother. Not even to count with my father, because he would never put himself in the madness of my mother and me. No matter how much he loved me. I learned very early on that to love is to destroy and to be loved is to be destroyed. Everything I loved was taken from me one day. Daniel, Henry, my father, Robin... I couldn't bear another such loss. When you took the darkness to save me and disappeared in the middle of the night I feared that the worst had happened. You were the light and suddenly became darkness. I was afraid it might have caused you something that I could not reverse. I did not fear the darkness I could find in you, no. I was afraid I would not be able to find you. To save you.
Emma felt her heart beating like never before. She was sure that by this time Regina could hear the nearly mad rapping in her chest. Emma knew what she felt for Regina. She had been certain of her feelings since Killian had taken her back to Storybrooke after Pan's curse and despite everything she and Regina shared, she preferred not to hope that her feelings were reciprocate. She preferred to think that Regina was looking at her with that intensity because of the friendship and companionship they developed. She would rather think that if she let herself believe that Regina could somehow reciprocate her feelings and so end up making some mistake that separated them forever. Of all Emma could bear for Regina, rejection was not one of them.
"When the Evil Queen sent you for the wish realm" Regina took a deep breath, knowing she needed to continue. That she owed them both the truth of her feelings. She knew it was a step from which she could not regret or turn back, and she did not want to. Regina thought she had run too far from her feelings, and perhaps, just maybe, if she had not been such a coward, many pains could have been avoided in their lives. "When she sent you there and I saw that pirate standing there waiting for a miracle I almost went crazy. He should have gone after you the moment you disappeared, but instead he just stood there complaining and yelling at everyone and talking about how much he did not know you. I could not bear it. I could not bear the thought of losing you again. To have you separated from your family because of me again."
"It was not your fault." Emma said so quietly that if Regina wasn't close enough she wouldn't have heard. "Not at all. My parents always say that heroes always find a third way, but what did they do for me? At the first opportunity they put me in a magical wardrobe and sent me into a world where they had no idea where I was and no one to look after me. They replaced me at the first opportunity they had, and they did not even bother to pretend they felt bad about it!"
Regina looked at her confused for a moment and when she was going to ask what she was talking about, the pieces finally settled into her mind. She was talking about her brother. She knew Emma had felt out of place with the baby, but they never stopped to actually talk about it. Never had time. Instead they had Zelena, Elsa, Ingrid, the darkness... Regina felt a lump in her throat. She couldn't bear the thought that all this time Emma had felt this way and she never even imagined it. "Oh, Emma."
Before she could stop her impulses, she put Emma in a tight hug and she did not need to look at her face to know that tears were coming down her cheek. Gradually she felt Emma put an arm around her waist as she clung to her like a shipwrecked ship wreck. Regina wanted to take care of her. Show her that she was loved and desired, loved and appreciated. Emma. Her Emma. Her sweet Emma. So strong and so fragile. So tough and so vulnerable.
"They only cared about the happy family picture of the perfect fairy tale. My mother never noticed my changes, she never noticed my fears, my insecurities, my wishes." Emma wiped her tears and pulled away just enough to look Regina in the eyes still in her arms. "Before the curse broke we had a certain connection, you know? She seemed to understand me and to know me. She was my friend, but from the moment the curse broke, and she discovered she was my mother she seemed to be unable to reconcile the two. As if she couldn't be my mother and my friend at the same time. Not that I gave much chance at first because I was really upset, but then..."
Regina felt her blood boil. How could Snow be so stupid? She was great with Regina, they had become friends somehow. They had buried their past and carried on even with all the baggage between them. Snow knew her almost as well as Emma, she advised and understood her, but when she was with her own daughter she couldn't see what was under her nose. David on the other hand seemed to be the most rational among them. He always seemed. He had his heroic moments and committed some bullshit, but he always seemed to understand Emma better, but once again... he did nothing. Maybe that was the problem with fathers. They never did anything to protect their daughters.
"It's not your fault, mi querida." Regina laid her against her again and Emma let herself be hugged. She felt the brunette making affectionate circles on her back and slowly she was calming down.
In the background the film continued to appear on TV and she could still hear the part where Kevin's mother comes home, and they meet again, and the tears came down harder on her face.
"Home Alone has always been my favorite Christmas movie." Emma said after a while, when she finally managed to stop crying. "I'm sorry I ran away in the middle of the night, but I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't marry Killian, I couldn't go on with that lie. I will never be the perfect daughter, the princess my parents dreamed so much. This is me. The lost girl, the orphan. Imperfect, broken."
Regina touched Emma's face gently making her look at her. Her cheeks were tear-stained, and her eyes were wet. She smiled at the blonde and kissed her forehead affectionately. "That's where you make a mistake, Emma. You're perfect in your way. Broken, lost girl, orphaned. As you wish, but never imperfect. You're brave, you're strong, you're stubborn. You are good. You see the best in people even when they do not deserve it. You love too much, you feel too much. You care too much. I wouldn't change anything about you, Emma Swan."
"You're just saying this to cheer me up.
"Do not be silly, Miss Swan. Regina caressed her face. "I thought after all this time you knew me better to know that I'm not the type to say things just to cheer someone up."
"Except our son." Emma laughed weakly.
"Except our son." Regina agreed.
"Did you come here to convince me to go back to Storybrooke?" Emma asked suddenly. Her eyes were big and shining in insecurity.
"No, Emma. This is your decision to make. I would never force you into anything." Regina straightened on the couch and stared at her. "I came to you because I needed to see you."
Emma looked at her in silence, searching for anything in her eyes to indicate that she was leaving something out, that she was not telling it all, but found nothing but sincerity. She knew Regina was the best person to understand her. She was one of the only ones who would not force her back to Storybrooke if she didn't want to. "Did you give up spending Christmas with our son for me?"
"Henry's as worried as I am, Emma." Regina smiled. "He's big enough already to realize that the fact that I'm not there with him at Christmas does not mean I do not love him, but that there's someone very important to me who needs me right now and I needed to be by her side."
Emma's eyes flashed brightly. The emeralds lighter because of the tears, shining with hope, uncertainty, insecurity and... love. Her eyes were overflowing with the feeling her lips seemed unable to express and before she could register what was happening Regina's lips were pressed gently against hers. An act so delicate that Emma might have been in doubt if it really happened had it not been for the light taste of coffee and the shiver in her body.
Her stomach was now full of all the butterflies in the world, her chest shaking with short breaths that did not seem to be feeding her lungs with enough oxygen.
Regina.
Regina isn't smiling anymore. Her breathing is as uneven as Emma's. Desire dancing in her eyes. Emma part her lips, unable to look anywhere but Regina's lips. The lips she dreamed for so long.
She feels the warmth of Regina's sweet breath as she inhales, closing her eyes and allowing herself to be lost in that sensation. For a moment she thinks about how Regina is able to release feelings in her that no one has ever been able to reach before. Neither Lilith nor Neal, much less Killian. Not even her first childhood crush.
She closes her eyes at the force of Regina's lips on hers again. The desire between her legs rising and falling in waves through her veins, pushing her further into Regina's arms. The groan in the brunette's throat is like music to her ears when she opens her mouth.
Regina takes the nape of her neck while Emma puts a hand on the underside of her back. She's sure she can hear Emma's heartbeat mingling with hers. She feels her body vibrating with every second, with every touch of Emma's hand on her back and her hips. She pulls the blonde to herself and kisses her more intensely, if that's possible. When their lips finally separate, their foreheads rest against each other as they try to calm their breaths. Both know that this changes everything between them. There is no chance of pretending that nothing happened after that. Regina smiles. Charming and her sister were right after all. She caresses Emma's face and pulls her to another kiss, gentler, softer.
"If you do not want to go back to Storybrooke, I think Henry and I can move -" Regina says as they separate again.
"I know where I belong." Emma whispers against the brunette's lips. "Home is where your heart is and mine is with you, Regina. It has always been and always will be."
"Merry Christmas, Emma." Regina grins at the sound of bells invading the small apartment. She doesn't need to look at the clock to know what time it is. She doesn't need to look anywhere but Emma's eyes.
"Merry Christmas, Regina."
Emma has no doubt that this is the best Christmas of her life. She has no doubt she's finally home. When Henry took her to Storybrooke, all this years ago... he didn't take her just to break the curse and be the savior. He took her home, and at that moment Emma was certain that the saying was real. She closed her eyes and once again allowed herself to be lost on Regina Mills's lips.
Finally.
"I love you, Emma." Regina says before she can think or block words, but this time she doesn't feel afraid. She knows what she feels, and she knows it's the right thing to say. She has no doubts about Emma Swan. She has no doubts about herself. She has no doubts about anything else.
Finally.
Emma smiled at her as if she had won the best gift in the world. Her eyes shine brightly, and her smile widens as words register in her mind, her heart in her ears. Regina Mills loves her. Regina Mills reciprocate her feelings. Regina Mills is smiling at her and there is so much love and so sure in her look that Emma feels that she can explode with happiness.
"I love you, Regina." There is so much intensity in her voice, so much love, so much affection that Regina is sure that she will never find something as precious as her sweet Emma. She quickly thinks of Whale bringing Daniel back and what he said; Love again. And she did. She loved. She loved and was loved back. Intensely. Fiercely. Sincerely. Truly. It didn't need fairy dust or soul mate to tell who Emma Swan was in her life. She knew the moment she laid eyes on her. She was certain the moment their lips touched.
True love.