Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot
Reflections
Seeing you again. Not as close as I'd like, but instead I'm watching you from my window. You are walking around the lake with, surprise surprise, Potter and the two Weasels.
You are talking animatedly to them, laughing, joking, like you haven't a care in the world. Not that you'd have any. Why should you?
When, at the start of term feast today, Dumbledore called your name out as head girl nobody was surprised, you've always been perfect, haven't you? Chris Herald, of Ravenclaw house, is head boy. You like him, don't you?
And to cap it all, you and your two best friends: the wonderful Harry Potter, the boy who bloody lived, and the 'courageous' Ronald Weasley, from one of the poorest wizarding families around, who the school so fondly refers to as 'the dream team' have decided to train as aurors when you leave school in a years time. No, not a care in the world. But you will.
Like I have. And I have only myself to blame for them I know. Last year. I remember when we split up, three months before sixth year ended. I said to you that the whole year had been a waste, that I must have been insane to have spent a year secretly seeing a mudblood. How I regretted those words, and over the summer I found it hard to justify the reasons why I left you. They were, I assure you, good reasons at the time. I was preparing to be initiated as a deatheater. I had always been taught to be devoid of emotions- they were for the weak, they dragged you down. And there I was, in love. With you. A muggle born. The scum of the earth, or so I was told.
So, I could not stay with you. And had to surrender everything that came with loving you, trust, love, loyalty. Being a deatheater was all I wanted to be- my family wanted me to be. All I could do was tell myself that what were we, but a couple of sixteen year olds who thought themselves to be in love? Soon, however I realized that I was wrong, I loved you, no matter what I told myself, all I wanted now was you. However, I had already hurt you too much. Still, it was too late, every time I saw a muggle being tortured, I thought of you, and what if one day It were you-there-being tortured. By my own hands. You taught me how to love. You showed me the light.
So, I walked away from the dark side, turned my back on it and joined the light. For you, simple as that, being a death eater was what I aspired to, and then all I wanted – want- is to be good enough for you. I apparated to Professor Snape – a deatheater who joined the light side, like, now I think of it, me. Only I was never a deatheater. I told him that I had left the dark side, and how I wished to become an auror. God knows we need them, now that Lord Voldemort and his minions are getting ever stronger and more powerful. I am glad that I will be fighting with you if it comes to war, and not against you. At first Snape was suspicious that I had been sent as a spy for the dark side. I believe he gave me some Vertasium and asked me if I really wished to join the light and become an auror, for honest reasons, not because I was sent as a spy. Matters of the heart are honest reasons, are they not? When I replied yes, he seemed pleased and immediately sent for Professor Dumbledore. We informed him of my intention of becoming an auror, and he seemed well pleased.
However, my father and family were not at all pleased. Hell, my father was furious. However, I was not disinherited. That is not the Malfoy way. No, I think he would- will- try to kill me. So, obviously I could not return to the manor. Instead, I took the liberty of taking some money out of my vault at Gringotts (I have a lot of my own money) and checked into a hotel for the remainder of the holidays.
So here I am, on my first day of seventh year. On the light side. I am not nice, no, I'm still the same bastard I always have been…but I'm not evil thanks to you. Believe me, I will still take pleasure in tormenting Potter, Weasel and you…yes, even you. You were always the only person who was clever enough to argue with me, retort quickly, the only person who didn't use fists in a fight. We always argued, even when we were together. You brought out the best and worst in me. It was always fun to argue with you. It was fun to see you angry. But in last three months the arguments we had were full of hate. You hated me for what I did to you.
I have requested that Dumbledore and Snape say nothing of my changing sides – you will probably only find out when we are together training to be aurors. And, after all, I am still in Slytherin and most of the people in this house have at least some relative who is a servant to Lord Voldemort. My father, I am sure, will have prevented any death eaters from talking of my not joining their ranks. He always hated being embarrassed. And even if I am now 'of the light' I still enjoy being a Slytherin. Why shouldn't I? My friends are all here, Blaise and the rest of them. Even Pansy, who contrary to popular belief has never been my girlfriend. I have not informed them of my switch to the light obviously, but have merely said I did not feel ready to be a deatheater. I have not even said anything to Blaise, even though he has become one of my closest friends over the past 2 years. Crabbe and Goyle, who although useful in the first few years of Hogwarts are no longer necessary. I am more than capable of defending myself. You must remember that despite everything, I have only changed sides, not who I am.
And as I sit watching you, I suddenly wonder what was the point. Not for the first time today, either. I changed sides for you. On the last day of term you gave me back a necklace, which I had given you, one you had said you would not take of until you no longer loved me. I thought it was just you, angry, trying to show me you didn't love me anymore-pretending. Pretending you didn't love me. How I wish that were true. But it's not. In the three months after our split, you grew friendly with a Hufflepuff, Tim Mallings. He asked you out on the last day of term. The day you returned the necklace. You've been seeing him over the holidays, haven't you? And it was him you kissed when you returned from collecting your head girls badge at the feast tonight. That was the first I knew of you…and him. It should have been me who you kissed. But you no longer love me. And then I remember why I did all this. I miss holding you, kissing you, the stolen glances in the corridors. I love you. And I hate you. How could you? Don't you know what you mean to me? How could you?
And as night falls, I watch you and your friends return to the castle. You are probably returning to him. But, I swear to you, one day you will love me. You will.