Losing You

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Author's note: (LAST MINUTE SPOILER ALEEEERT! Just in case somebody who hasn't seen the movie stumbled across this out of nowhere...) Alright, first I must say that this isn't really a "story". It's basically just a train of thought running through Humpty Alexander Dumpty's head after he got Puss arrested as he had intended to do all along, thus betraying his childhood friend for the second time. The following text is just meant as an additional "slice" of internal monologue that could take place near the end of the movie, during the scene where Humpty is back at the top of the orphanage tower and his gaze falls upon the old drawing he did as a child – supposing that he had a little more time than what was shown to think about all that had happened, before Puss arrived and confronted him.

The explanation for this (because unfortunately for my poor readers, I always have to justify everything) is that I found Humpty's character particularly interesting and, despite the fact that he was revealed to be the true antagonist of the story, I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for him. While going through movie reviews and comments, I noticed that a lot of people thought he was kind of funny but despicable. He was often described as the traitor who tricked his friend into robbing a bank because he was a greedy "bad egg" and who then sought vengeance for being sent to prison as he deserved. Personally, I interpreted his motivations a bit differently because of all the things he said to explain his actions and the emotion with which he did, especially the huge emphasis he kept putting on the fact that he had felt betrayed. It appeared to me that he blamed Puss not only for the incident on the bridge, but also for the fact that their relationship had started deteriorating long before that. Their big falling out obviously left deep scars on both sides, which I believe were the actual reason behind his actions.

So this is just my take on the kind of feelings that Humpty might have been holding in all that time, pretty much like an attempt at a character study in literary form, because I'm boring like that and I have no inspiration to write proper fiction while I'm too busy studying. (I'm gonna have to do something about that eventually, maybe...) It's only my personal interpretation of the character, though. I'm not pretending this objectively goes in accordance with the moviemakers' vision, neither do I think it's necessarily the way everybody should understand Humpty's psychology. Also, my intention is not to depict his point of view as being right and to justify the wrong choices he made, but simply a desire to understand the character.

Now before I leave you alone, I would just like to add that English isn't my first language, so if some of the sentence formulations I used sound weird to you, please don't hesitate to let me know so I can correct them and stop making a fool of myself with expressions that don't make any sense. I can only be grateful for having my mistakes pointed out. In fact, don't hesitate to comment on anything you like or dislike about this fic. Constructive criticism is always very welcome!

Disclaimer: Shockingly, I do not own the fairy tale and nursery rhyme characters present or mentioned in this little piece of fiction. I apologize for this devastating revelation. The story version I based my writing on is the Puss in Boots movie released in 2011, which belongs to DreamWorks animation studios. I'm not delusional to the point of thinking I could make profit out of my own writing, especially when I'm using copyrighted material and displaying my text for free on this public website. I am only sharing it for entertainment purposes, if I may use the expression, without any harm intended to the original owners. Thank you for your understanding and please forgive me for this awfully long introduction. (Oh, and by the way, the T rating is only for safety. You won't find anything very extreme here, no slash intended and no gore.) Ok, I'm done now!

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It's done. I can hardly believe it. After anticipating this moment for so long, I finally had my revenge. You must really hate my guts now, don't you, brother? I'm sorry for setting you up like this, but I had to make you understand... You see, seven years ago, you left me behind when I most needed you. You ruined the plans I had spent my whole life preparing for the two of us and left me with nothing. I lost everything I believed in because you let me down, so I hope that now you know just how it feels to see all your hopes reduced to dust by someone you considered a friend.

I wish I had been able to just forgive and forget what happened back then, I really do, only the harder I tried to get you out of my mind, the more tormenting my memories got. There's a simple truth you must understand: eggs are very easy to break. I may seem smooth and solid on the surface, but what you see is only a shell. Something cracked inside of me that night and I don't think the pieces can ever be put back together. There are wounds so deep they just won't heal, no matter how long you've been hiding them and trying to numb the pain with thoughts of denial. Trust is such a fragile and beautiful thing, yet like a piece of glass, it can cut you deeply once it's been shattered. Rancor has very sharp edges. You should have known I couldn't just let you get away with what you did to me. I've suffered too much, too long. Did you know that all that time in prison, I still clang to the hope that you would come back for me as you always had? I tried to convince myself that it was all a big misunderstanding and that I would soon wake up from that awful dream to find everything back the way it used to be... but you didn't show up this time, and as the days turned to months which then stretched into years, my distress gave way to a devouring bitterness. You had made my existence a complete disaster by becoming its center and then leaving out the back door. You had filled my head with solemn promises you didn't keep. With every insult and beating I took behind the bars, with each shiver that ran down my back on the coldest nights that kept me awake, I remembered that I had ended up there because you had let it happen and I came to curse the day I had called you brother.

How did it come to this? You once were a true blessing in my life. Did I ever tell you how much brighter you made every day at the orphanage? Oh, how wonderful it had been to meet another adventurous, freethinking spirit that didn't fit in, when I thought I was bound to spend my days in solitude until I would finally get to my real home. I knew from the start that letting you in would make me vulnerable, and the thought that you might someday turn against me was terrifying, but I really wanted to trust you. You seemed so different from all the other kids... There was something intriguing and oddly comforting about your quiet presence that made it feel safe to drop my guard around you. You were so spontaneously considerate, and although you didn't speak much, your eyes were animated with a vivid curiosity that mirrored my own. I was pretty astonished to see the genuine interest you showed for my unusual vision of things. Since we had instinctively taken each other's defense, I thought we could continue to look after one another instead of facing the world alone. I imagined it would be nice for once to have a friend with whom I could share my ideas and the tales I liked to spin without fear of being ridiculed, someone I could get to really care about and let myself get known by. It seemed worth taking the risk to open up to somebody who could see more in me than just an eccentric dreamer who was losing touch with reality. You thought I was smart and creative and I could tell you really meant it. Your confidence gave life to my projects. You believed in me and that's what kept me hopeful that one day, my aspirations could come true.

Remember the long afternoons we spent on the hill, over there? We would lie down in the long grass under the tree, just watching the clouds float by and dreaming of a better future, a place where we could someday escape and live happily forever, just me and you. I had never told anyone about my ambitions and all the great adventures I pictured in my mind before. You were my first true friend, the only one who had ever stood up for me, who listened to my stories and who was willing to dream with me. I had told you all about the magic beans and you hadn't laughed. I confided to you about my yearning for a place where I wouldn't feel stranded and about the homesick feeling that came over me whenever I gazed up at a golden sky, and you seemed to understand. Even when you didn't, a compassionate look or a sympathetic sigh showed me that you cared. Sometimes I'd get really confused about my place in this world I couldn't comprehend and I'd lose myself in grim thoughts, but I was able to get all those things off my chest, knowing my secrets were safe with you. I could entrust my deepest insecurities to you without ever feeling judged. I don't know what I would have done, hadn't you constantly been there to keep my feet on the ground. Having someone to rely on was something new for me. I had never known what it was like to have a family and a home where I felt I belonged, but as long as you were with me, finding out where I had come from didn't matter so much. I wasn't alone anymore, and now that I had felt the warmth of a friend's committed devotion, I swore to myself I'd never let it go.

How I miss that feeling. Back in those days, I believed we'd be close like that forever. It's a pity that growing up ruined everything. Why did we have to go such opposite ways? We used to share the same vision, you and I. We spent all of our time pursuing a common goal with our minds working as one and nothing could distract us from our great quest... Then in a moment, everything changed. You suddenly became a hero and began to see things differently. People started appreciating you and I watched from a distance as you were making your place among the respectable ones. Your new popularity made you forget all that we'd been aiming for. Nothing had changed for me, though; I was still the same rebellious outcast who collected enemies and problems with the authorities. You were still there to get me out of trouble, but you weren't the same anymore. You had lost all interest in the things that used to make our world and there was no room for me in your new plans. I had become invisible.

When I found you again after all those years, you were still furious for what I did back then. You accused me of betraying you! Do you really think that's how I wanted things to happen? You believed I would have tried to destroy your reputation just because I was jealous of all the attention you were receiving? You dared to think I would have deliberately taken away everything you held dear so you'd be forced to help me against your will? Is that the kind of friend you thought I was all along, some kind of hypocrite who didn't mind using you to get my way? While I won't deny that I somewhat envied your feline charm, your temerity and everything that made you so easy to love, I never even thought of pulling you down to bring the light upon myself. Back then, I still viewed you as a brother.

To tell you the truth, I was scared to death. Couldn't you tell? Had you paid more attention to me than to all those strangers, you would have seen it in the way I always strived to please you. I was afraid of losing you, because you meant everything to me, while the opposite wasn't so true anymore. As orphaned children, it was you and me against the world; all we had was each other and I had no doubt that you would follow me anywhere. Now that the whole village loved you, why would you still want to leave with me? And what reasons were left for you to keep hanging out with the insignificant rogue I was looked upon as, when you were now making much more well-thought-of acquaintances everywhere you went? I had to face it: you no longer needed me as much as I needed you. In fact, I only seemed to be bringing you down and embarrassing you. You were living a dream, but for me it was a nightmare that wouldn't come to an end. You didn't notice that I was all by myself while you were parading out there with your feathered hat and enjoying yourself with those who made my existence miserable, and all of the "good" people whose company seemed so great were urging you to ditch me like an old toy. I was grateful that you never did, but I felt like I was no longer good enough for you, now that you had become someone important. Although you said that wasn't true, it was obviously just a matter of time before we would have to part ways. I could see you were beginning to feel at home in San Ricardo and even to talk like its people. The thought that you could pick that town I despised so intently over me was unbearable. Whenever had they really cared about you before your little heroic rescue? Those superficial fakers didn't know a thing about who you were, except that you had demonstrated the kind of bravery that had given them a good show. What did you need their approval for? Was mine not enough? I needed you to assure me that you would stay true to your word, that your new reality wouldn't change our plans... but those boots were turning you into somebody else and every day, you were slipping farther away from me.

Don't you think I felt horrible for lying to your face, my friend? I only knew too well you wouldn't want to talk to me for a while after I organised the bank robbery, but tell me, what other options did I have? Looking at the once bright future we had vowed to seek together, all I could see now was a dark and lonely path in your shadow. All the dreams I had come to believe and to hold on to were suddenly crumbling before my eyes and, as your priorities changed, you didn't seem to realize how much they still meant to me. I can't really blame you for preferring your new life as a hero to our abstract childhood reveries – who wouldn't jump on such an opportunity to dramatically improve their social status? But why can't you believe that I only did what I did as a last resort? I had no choice, really. There was no future for me in that town. I had been waiting my whole life for the day we'd finally be able to leave this awful place together; it was the only thought that made every day bearable and it was becoming clear that it would never come true, since you had let it die inside your heart. I couldn't let you kill all of our plans, all my future, just like that, all because you had been given a stupid pair of fancy boots... You had promised! We had sworn to never let anything come between us. I know what I did was selfish and I'm sorry for the lie, okay? I never meant to harm you. I just couldn't bring myself to wait until you'd replace me completely and leave me to chase my dreams on my own. I could never have done it without you. And even if I could somehow have pulled this off by myself, what would have been the use if you were to stay behind? I... I needed you, Puss.

I hoped you would understand how desperate I had to be to implicate you into something like that. Instead, you turned your back on me and left me to pick up my broken pieces in jail for seven long years. Can you really judge me for holding a grudge? Even when all of this is over, I doubt you'll ever know just how much it hurts to be abandoned in your time of need by the only person you thought you could always count on. Whatever happened to "brothers forever"? Was being angry with me for making up that story a good enough reason to break our bond? It wasn't my first crime. We'd had arguments about that, but you had never let me down before. You could have helped me that night and you simply chose not to because you got my motivations all wrong. And you still resented me after all this time for losing the respect of your beloved village in one night, but did it ever occur to you that my whole world had been falling apart since your new lifestyle had become more important than me? I was the first to have my bubble burst, in case you only saw your own scars.

Ironically, it's the drastic measures I took by fear of losing you completely that gave our friendship the final blow. It was dead and buried long before we met again, and while I managed to regain your trust, my intention was to deceive you all along, so that you would finally know for yourself how I've been feeling ever since that time. There was no other reason, even the gold was just an excuse. Oh, I'll admit there are moments on our journey when I nearly changed my mind. Some of the things I said were sincere. Being reunited with you on this great adventure as if the last couple of years had never happened seemed too good to be true. On a few occasions, I got lost in the moment and forgot my spite, as I almost let myself believe that our brotherhood could be revived for real... But then the painful truth came rushing back with my bitter memories, reminding me that I wasn't in one of my childhood daydreams. The past is over and reality is cruel. Welcome to my world, brother.

I know you're too proud to cry out for me to come back and save you, like I did more times than I could count from the bottom of my dark cell, so if imprisonment isn't enough to make you despair, the imminent destruction of San Ricardo might. For some reason, you care about that town more than anything, or anyone... It wasn't worth saving me, but everyone else's safety is an awfully big deal, it seems. Well you can grieve for them all you want now, knowing that what happened is all your fault. Things weren't supposed to be like this and would never have gone this far, had you proven to be the friend I thought you were. Too bad you weren't. Hopefully, when the rage that fills your heart as it filled mine starts fading away, you're going to miss the good old days and realize that I should have counted more to you than your renown.

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You know, when I asked you to join me on this quest, I didn't quite believe that you really could trust me again and want to restore our brotherhood. That's why I had to bait you with Kitty and the magic beans. Even when you finally accepted to help me, I could still feel your reproachful glare like a knife. I knew I had messed up big time and I saw no hope of ever being forgiven. All I could think of was everything I had lost, and I let the sharp pain and the anger that had been boiling inside all that time take over my rational thoughts. I had gotten obsessed with the idea of making you suffer as much as I had, so that maybe you would recognize the taste of your own medicine and come to understand the depth of my affliction. I wanted you to feel my pain, to realize how much your indifference had hurt me, and to express some regret for ending it all by stabbing me in the back. I thought that maybe this way you would finally get an idea of the torments you had put me through and start feeling some kind of remorse for turning away so easily.

I know what I did is disgusting. I was blinded by resentment and I couldn't think of another way to free myself from the past. I tried to cast aside my affection for you, but it wasn't so simple. It's the best part of my life I had to let go of and bearing the blame alone for my loss was so heavy... Those memories were too painful, so I buried them very deep and denied the blood oath I had made in my heart, endeavoring to stop thinking of you as my dear brother and friend. I thought my hatred would be more justified, in a way, and would stop torturing me if you had a reason to hate me in return. I wouldn't be at peace until I was really sure that your hard feelings against me had passed a point of no-return. And I wanted to prove to myself that I no longer cared about you either. I had to get over what had happened once and for all, and to put you in my shoes is the only solution I could think of. I had to force you to have a look at the situation from my perspective, even knowing that you would certainly despise me even more afterwards, because at least you would know why I did it.

Now it's your turn to fall to pieces, disgraced and alone, while I'm being praised by the same people who used to be all over you. Isn't it funny how greed can turn the tables around? So much for loyalty. You believe these inconstant humans deserve to be spared from the Great Terror's wrath? Do you still see any good left in me, Puss? I saw the hate in your eyes. I'm sure you would have killed me on the spot, if not for the love of Imelda who was watching. That would have been legitimate, I gotta say. Nothing will ever deprive you of your honor, not even this betrayal, right? Of course, if anyone must be blamed for all of this, it ought to be the nuisance that I am, as usual. My pathetic road was traced long before I consciously treaded on it. You tried to look past my antisocial behavior in search for something valuable, but I just proved that you were mistaken about me. No matter why you first followed me into the hidden bean shed and what made you stay over the years, what you thought you saw in me must have been just a mirage of who I could have been, had I possessed a noble heart like yours. The Humpty you used to know no longer exists. That idealistic boy was too sensitive for this cold reality where only the hardcore ones get what they want, so he went to hide somewhere in a corner of the marble mind that is now mine.

You know, Puss, sometimes I wished I'd been more like you, even though your outlook on life seemed completely illogical to me. I never understood how you could care so much about people who had never given a bean about you. As an orphan, you had been rejected like me. We both grew up on our own in a world that didn't want us. Where did your natural compassion and optimism come from? What's that force that drives you forward in life and makes you reach out to those who did you wrong? I still don't get it, and yet... I must confess that deep down, I've always envied you for that. There's something admirable about that ability you have to keep your heart open independently of the circumstances without getting it irreparably broken. I just don't know how you do it. Somehow, you always seemed so sure of who you were and wanted to be... You believed you were better than the delinquents we had become and your actions demonstrated your conviction, but what about me? I never had that faith. You know I'm no hero. I was just the socially awkward geek everybody picked on. As opposed to you, I had no special quality to define me. Maybe that's why I needed to prove myself so much through the only thing I was good at...

Although you seemed fascinated by my inventions and impressed each time I came up with one of my schemes, I felt like a feeble child next to the self-assured individual you were blossoming into, and when I looked into your piercing eyes, I dreaded how much you could read in mine. I was scared that you'd see right through my shell how weak I really was and that you would come to reject me like everybody else. You've always been so much better than me... It's no wonder that you were Imelda's favorite. From your first day at the orphanage, she adopted you in her heart and treated you in a special way, like her own son. You were strong-willed and charismatic; the ladies were fond of you and your enemies feared you. I was witty and imaginative, but what good was it? People don't care about new ideas; they define your worth by what they see on the outside. They'll only like you if you've got good looks or impressive skills. I had chosen to shut my conscience out long ago so that the others' harsh words couldn't crush me. I had built walls all around me to protect my heart and forgotten how to use it. As a result, I lost sight of who I wanted to become. I never embraced your high morals or your sense of justice, and yet you almost convinced me that I could still be someone. You could see a good seed inside of every soul, even rascals like me... But it doesn't matter anymore. You'll never forgive me for what's about to happen to your dear village, that's for sure. I'm sure you bitterly regret giving me that second chance now, don't you? You probably even wish we had never met.

You must be thinking of me as a heartless back-stabber. Believe me, I'm not enjoying this as much as I expected to. I did my best to make you believe I was done hurting because of you, but if I succeeded at looking indifferent, you have no idea how hard it was for me to keep playing the game. I wish I had found the courage to tell you all these things face to face when I had the chance, but there's no way I could have exposed these wounds only for you to strike a deadly blow. Once was already too much. Anyway, bringing up those painful memories just to be told once more that I'm the one to blame for everything would've been useless. You wouldn't even have listened, let alone admit you had failed me too. To you, I'm the jerk who ruined your perfect life. Well then, why waste our time talking this over? Never again will I let anyone see the frailty I hide underneath this hard exterior; I have to cast aside those feelings that make me so weak. If there ever was a heart beating inside of me, it must have turned solid like these golden eggs so it couldn't be broken twice. Or maybe I just never had one that was made to open up to those around. I guess it was just too fragile, like the rest of me. As I believed before you appeared and as I should never have doubted, you really can count on no one but yourself.

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It's a pity innocence can't last forever. There are times like now when contemplating life from the eyes of a grown up is horrifying. If I could be granted one wish, all I would ask for is to become a child again and remain one indefinitely. If only I could invent a device to transport us back to the days of our youth, when our world only revolved around magic beans and dreams of a perfect future far away beyond the clouds... You know, Puss, in that time, the hope that I would someday get to the great castle gave me wings, but none of those things I so ardently longed for mattered as much to me as our bond. I would have thrown them all away if it had been a choice between accomplishing them on my own or just being with you, because my plans only made sense when you were a part of them. I think I could even have stopped stealing, had I cared more to understand why it was so important to you. I know now that I should have tried harder to see things your way instead of imposing my views upon you. I was just never sure enough...

I wonder, was I ever helpful to you? You were of such an independent nature... Sometimes, I feared that you didn't really need me. Did you start turning away because I had become too depressing to be around? The people out there were more interesting, I suppose. They brought you the recognition I couldn't. You once said that nothing I did could ever change the way you thought of me, that you would give up anything for my sake; yet you weren't ready to leave your precious town for me, since you changed your mind and chose them in the end. You knew how unhappy I was among those judgemental villagers and how eager I was to leave this place. I was only waiting for you to come away with me, but you had forgotten all about our plans. To you, they had become nothing more than childish fantasies. I didn't want to be left out along with them like a relic of your past. I may have been just a childhood buddy you could have done without, but for me, our friendship still meant the world.

I know I shouldn't have let it take such a strong hold of me, but once it had started, there was no going back. I couldn't keep myself from depending on it and building my entire world around it. It had become the one thing that gave significance to all I did and I couldn't bear the thought of losing it. But how could you have understood how I felt? You're a cat; you've always known what you were able of, what made your strength, if your flaws were a characteristic of your race or yours alone... You don't know what it's like to be a freak of nature with nothing but questions and no one to answer them, so of course, you didn't understand why I couldn't loosen my grasp on you. I wasn't trying to be manipulative, though I guess that's what my obsessive need to make sure you were seeing things my way came out as. It's just that for once in my life, I had recognized something in another... like a little part of your soul that resembled mine, in this hostile place where everyone was so hard to decipher. You had reached out to me when nobody else had tried and my melancholy had vanished like mist underneath the sun's warmth. It was your concern that made me believe I had something worthwile. I saw my potential through your eyes and it made me want to try even harder to reach my goals. I had found something real, something I held dear that wasn't just my imagination, for a change.

Your presence was what I needed the most and there was a time when you seemed content with just me too, but when your values started to change, it felt like you were pushing me away and turning to things I couldn't stand... like you had seen the depths of my soul and given up on me, because what you saw there wasn't good enough. Because I could never be like you. I couldn't follow where you were going, and you would rather go without me than renounce your newfound purpose. Can't you have the slightest idea of the panic that struck me when I realized that living among those strangers had begun to take more place in your heart than the things we had sought together all those years? I had nothing else. When you found your place in San Ricardo, I was left completely empty-handed. You took away all my chances of having the future I wanted, and the loneliness I feared so much was back to remind me that I wasn't wanted anywhere for who I was. Unlike you, I could never belong. I wasn't from here, I had always been sure of it. If you had found your home there, then I was utterly alone. But it would have been no use trying to explain that to you. You had already chosen your path and it was no longer the same as mine.

I had a hard time accepting the fact that you could be so different from me and wish for other things than those I treasured so much. The closer we grew, the more fragile I felt, for being known by someone who can read you like an open book takes away all your defenses. Allowing myself to be transparent was a huge risk I had taken, because I had given you the power to destroy me. It was so hard for me to trust anyone that I didn't see what a terrible friend I was. I needed to feel in control, even if that went against your freedom, because I was too afraid that if you had to make a choice, you would desert me. I couldn't think of a logical reason why you wouldn't, since you had gotten everything you could have wished for without my help. Our partnership was no longer an equivalent exchange, as there was nothing I could do to earn the respect you still had for me. My company seemed rather superfluous now, especially since we didn't see eye to eye anymore. I had nothing really worth your time... did I? I didn't want your loyalty to be motivated by pity, but I thought it was still better than being rejected. I felt so lame for twisting your arm, but I figured it was the only way to keep you from leaving.

I've been so selfish... I had my mind set and I didn't even want to consider the possibility that you might have desires of your own, independently from mine. I was so afraid to find myself alone that I held on to you like a lifebelt and tried to keep you all to myself at any cost. How did I not realize that I was dragging you onto a road that went against your strongest convictions? I should have respected your views and given you the freedom you needed, even though I was confused. What I really needed was just to know that I still meant as much to you despite all of my flaws and our diverging opinions. I was so distraught at the thought of being forsaken by the only family I had found... I never meant to cause you so much trouble. I only wanted to keep you with me and to be included in everything you did like before, is that so wrong? I tried to preserve what we had no matter what you wanted, but by clinging to my childhood ideals so tightly, I only made things worse. My last plan to get away failed miserably, you disowned me and I paid the heavy price alone. For that mistake I made, you shut me out of your life and moved on like I didn't exist. Being forgotten was infinitely more painful than being locked up, let me tell you.

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Now that our places have been switched, I guess the mere thought of you enduring the same punishment you put me through should make me feel better. Vengeance was supposed to relieve me of the weight I had been carrying for so long, that intoxicating spite that ran like poison inside of me... so why is the pain even worse now? I don't understand. My plan worked and you're paying your old debt. I had been waiting for this moment so eagerly, but now that I'm here, it doesn't bring me any comfort. I thought settling scores would allow me to move on, to finally let go of my anger and leave my nagging memories behind... Instead, I only added guilt to the sum of my worries. Thinking of the way I tricked you makes me feel sick rather than glad, and remembering the great deeds I wanted to accomplish with you when I was a child only makes me even more acutely aware of my absolute failure. If you could hear me, you'd probably be rolling with laughter at the frustration you're still causing me even from where you are now. You always win, no matter what position you find yourself into, because nothing can break you down.

I'm such a wreck... I don't know what I want anymore, nothing seems to make sense. I only feel disgusted with myself and contemplating the implications of what I'm doing frightens me. I never thought my childhood quest for golden eggs would lead me here, looking down on San Ricardo as an unscrupulous criminal, with more gold than I could have imagined and nothing left of what really mattered. I don't know why my conscience isn't killing me. Maybe I stopped paying attention to the little voice too long ago, or perhaps I don't quite believe that this nightmare is real. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream I can't wake up from, as if for the past seven years, I had only been watching from a dark spot somewhere inside as somebody else had taken control. I don't recognize myself anymore.

Surely, my choices were my own and I could have turned out to be a good person, but how was I supposed to do that when I'm not even a person? I don't know what I am, who I was meant to be... if I was supposed to exist in the first place. All I'm sure of is that I don't like what I've become. I never wanted to be the bad guy. I just couldn't help it, since I was never strong enough to look past my fears and do the right thing. I'm just a coward. I've spent my whole life curled up inside my shell in self-pity, centered on my wounds and blind to everyone else's, even yours. Especially yours. You, you overcome life's blows because you have that spark inside... You're brave, willful and persistent, everything I never was. You don't know what despair is. The awareness of a growing emptiness inside that nothing can quench; to see your reflection and wish you could change every part of it, just be anyone else... As much as I loathe the "normal" people who were always so quick to label me a bad egg, I gotta say they were right all along. I really must be rotten to the core to be capable of such a cruel thing.

Deep down, I still wish there was a way to stop all this and to redeem myself, but it's too late to change anything now and I can't see another way out of this. I just want this old war to be over. I want to forget... I feel so lost and hopeless, like I've totally missed the point but could not have avoided coming to a great fall any more than I can fight gravity that's keeping me so far away from the sky. I've always felt out of place in this town, in this world... No matter where I go, it seems that I'm missing something, and I know nothing will give me relief, because you were the only anchor holding me down here. Without you, I'm only drifting somewhere between the earth my feet are stuck on and the heavenly places my mind hasn't quite returned from. I felt closest to home when you were by my side, even in San Ricardo. I was too insecure and egocentric to see the worth of what I had. I thought I could have the best of both worlds by controlling everything, but I should have known there's no such thing as true friendship without honesty and genuine trust. I put a heavy chain on you instead of letting you offer your affection like a gift and that mistake cost me all I had. While I was overwhelmed by the pain my decisions brought me in the end, I was oblivious to yours, refusing to see that I only had myself to blame for causing my own anguish. I'm so sorry for all you had to endure because of me, because I was expecting you to be the perfect friend when I didn't even know the true meaning of that word. I brought you nothing but trouble and that's why you left me behind, isn't it?

Looking back on what I've made of my time on this earth is so discouraging... The ephemeral things I've been pursuing now seem utterly meaningless to me, as I realize that all the riches and fame in this world couldn't bring back the happiness that died inside of me when I lost you. Even the indescribable feeling of fullness that overcame me when I found myself surrounded by all those golden eggs, like I had finally arrived to the place my heart had been designed to seek, even that wasn't enough to fill the void you had left inside. If it had sufficed to wash away the sorrows I'm only letting out now, I wouldn't have come back down. I never should have. At least up there, my worries were paling as the world seemed to have stopped turning. Why, oh why couldn't I stay there and just forget you? Why was it too hard to try telling you all that was on my mind? Maybe, just maybe, you would have cared to listen and my pain would have subsided, carried out along with all these words I had kept locked inside for far too long. Maybe what I feared would destroy what was left of me is what could have saved me...

.

Why do I still feel the irrepressible need to pour out my heart to you like this? That's nothing new to you, is it, Puss? How many times during our teenage years did you have to cheer me up so I could forget the confusion and doubts growing inside my head for a while... You saw the worst of me and yet you still spent all your time in my presence, patiently listening when I needed a compassionate ear and reminding me of the qualities you still saw in me when I lost sight of them. I wish I could have been sure of them too. You always knew how to make me feel better, somehow. I failed to see what a good friend you were to remain faithful even though I had nothing to offer you. All I did was take and yet you never asked for anything in return. I'll never find someone like you in this life or the next one, that's for sure. How I wish you were with me right now, 'cause I feel more worthless than ever, and so lonely... I swear, you have no idea.

Do you know what I feel like doing? It's completely absurd, but right now, I just want to run to the prison to see you, to tell you what a mess I've made out of everything and beg you on my knees to forgive me. I just want this furor I feel toward you to end, I want to be at peace... and although it's impossible, I want our brotherhood back. More than anything, I want to feel your forgiveness come down to chase away this storm inside, like your soothing hand on my shoulder when we were young. I need to hear you say that you'll remember me as the brother I once was, not as the traitor I've become... but even if I could manage to get you out now, there's no way things could ever be made right again between us, after all that's happened. After what I've done... I ruined everything. I had you right there after all this time, ready to take a new start, and I found a way to let this opportunity pass me by. I let the past steal away my only chance to prove myself worthy of your trust and to get back all I had lost. I've been a fool. I'm so sorry...

I may have been a curse on your life, as you said, but I can assure you it's worse for me. No matter how disillusioned I may have left you, at least you don't have to carry the weight of a crushing guilt and of your own insignificance like a millstone around your neck. I must live every day with the knowledge that no matter how hard I try to put the blame on you for all that I've lost, I really am the one responsible for my own misery, as well as yours and very soon all those people's. How am I supposed to live with that and to sleep at night? I have no home to go, no purpose and no sense of personal accomplishment whatsoever. All I've done just turned out to be a huge disaster. I have nothing. I am nothing to anyone... Making you pay for the result of my own sins didn't relieve my weary conscience, nor did it give me back my future. I'm only getting what I deserve.

What am I to do now? Oh, I could make a small fortune in the neighboring towns as I intended to and end my days in blissful opulence, trying in vain to make myself believe that I will eventually forget your name, the one I gave you, and that I will find some peace of mind through the superficial consideration that wealth will bring me... or I could face the truth and admit that the memory of our lost brotherhood will keep haunting me until my very last day, even more now that I have put a definitive end myself to the only thing that had ever given my life meaning. I shouldn't even bother trying to leave this place before its end comes, but being directly confronted to the consequences of what I've done was never part of the plan. I don't need the villagers' screams to make me feel even more like a monster, so I'll run and I won't look back.

Forgive me for going now. I must leave the past behind once and for all, or at least try to flee from it as far as I can. I guess it's safe to assume that I'll never see you again. I have no expectations that you could someday come to think of me without the deepest contempt, but I hope you'll find out what matters most in your life before your time's up. May you never let your anger get the best of you as I did. I know you'd never end up like me. You're better than this... As for me, I shall wander this land like a ghost, cruelly aware that I have condemned myself to never find happiness ever again. That's something I can't take back from you. I can only hope that in another life, we will find each other again and start everything over the way it should always have been. We're still bound by blood, after all. Maybe that still means something... Should I ever have the chance to do things differently, I swear I would. But for now, unless by some miracle our paths should cross one last time before the end, this is farewell, my brother.

.

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Return of the author's annoying blabla: I'm sorry to end this so abruptly. I wish I could have closed these "thoughts" on a brighter note, but I didn't want to change anything to the story itself. Since Humpty only starts seeing a glimmer of hope after Puss chooses to show him mercy in that tower, I decided to leave it where the movie picks it up, with the sudden arrival of Puss. The story would then continue with the latter offering Humpty a chance to redeem himself by saving San Ricardo, as in the ending we know. At first, this was just supposed to be a very short drabble, but my sentences developed uncontrollably like some kind of mutant mushroom and I ended up over-analyzing the poor guy. (It happens to me all the time, which is why I never find the time to write proper fics that actually tell a story, I guess. Sorry about that.)

As I explained in my introduction, I know there are a lot of people who don't have much sympathy for Humpty and I understand that. After all, he was a mischievous thief, a compulsive liar and a resentful traitor for most of the movie. As for me, though, I think that above all that, he was a very insecure, over-sensitive little guy who was left devastated by what he perceived as being let down by the only person he trusted and who let his emotions get the best of him. I can't really see him as a bad guy, just as a flawed being in need of redemption, like most of us at some point, I think. In an interview, Humpty's voice actor, Zack Galifianakis, described him as a fragile character and I thought his choice of word was very appropriate. Besides making an interesting connection between his physical characteristics and his personality, it would explain Humpty's betrayal as the desperate reaction of someone who was emotionally broken and whose pain turned into bitterness. Even from the beginning of the relationship, it seemed to me that once the "partnership" accepted, he had shown signs of emotional dependency toward Puss, without whom he apparently could no longer envision the future positively. That left me pondering about the character for a while, and it's that pathetic side of him that is so hurt and afraid of being left behind that I tried to depict in this fic.

I must say I really liked the way Puss handled the situation near the end of the movie, by letting his former friend explain his reasons and seeking to understand him. He even apologized for hurting his feelings in the past even though he was the one done wrong to here, and rather than finishing him off (emotionally at least) as he had every reason to do, he chose to give him yet another chance to earn back his trust. I mean, wow! Who would react to an act of betrayal that way? What an inspiring attitude. And it proved to be all that Humpty needed, to know that his "brother" hadn't stopped loving him, even after all he had put him through, and that he still believed he could change for the best. That part of the story when the cycle of hatred was finally broken is what really moved me and made me want to take a closer look at those characters' souls. I hope I succeeded in capturing a fragment of Humpty's rather complex mind and in making him seem a little more human to some who might not have thought much of him. (Now YOU tell me what you think!)

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Update: I would like to thank Leiza for writing the first review. Your sweet words are very appreciated!

mirokulover18 also left me a long comment that put a smile on my face. I'm glad to know there are others out there who like this movie's Humpty Dumpty! (*ridiculous happy dance taking place here*)

Another big THANK YOU to those who added this humble little fic to their list of favorite stories, and to all of you who took the time to read it. :D