Who I Am Without You

by sailor-tin-foil

I had so pathetically thought that if he took an interest in her, I could move on that much easier. But I was terribly wrong. Watching her gain his attention was that much more heartbreaking.

Hey there lovely readers! I was watching a few vids on YouTube and I noticed a few to the song Where I Stood by Missy Higgins. I've loved the song for awhile, and seeing the different versions made to fit Harry/Hermione, I was inspired to write this. If you like it, please review. I love hearing back! –STF

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun

I couldn't take any more of this, of sitting right across from them, watching them laugh together and playfully nudge shoulders and knees. I stood up without offering explanation and quietly walked towards the girls' dormitory. I knew that they were watching me, I heard the laughter end and felt all eyes boring into the back of my head. It didn't matter. I kept right on walking.

It wasn't fair of me. I'm the one who had encouraged her. I had so pathetically thought that if he took an interest in her, I could move on that much easier. But I was terribly wrong. Watching her gain his attention was that much more heartbreaking.

"Hermione?" I had only made it to the door. I knew he'd come after me, but I sometimes forgot how fast his feet can carry him. I paused, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

"Yes, Harry?" I turned towards him, false smile painted on my lips, my brow quirked in innocent curiosity. He wasn't fooled.

"What's been up with you lately? This is the third time this week you've just gotten up and left without saying anything. And you've been avoiding me."

"Harry, that's ridicu-"

"Stop. I know you too well for you to lie to me, 'Mione. What's wrong?" he took the last few steps towards me and I could feel my heart flutter. I watched his hands, his fingers splay outwards before twitching back towards his palms. I watched intently because I was unwilling to look him in the eyes. "Look at me."

At his beseeching whisper, I looked up. My heart sputtered painfully for a moment and I could feel the pin prick of tears in the back of my eyes. He looked so sad. I reached out in a moment of weakness and brushed my fingertips over his cheek. His eyes fluttered closed at the contact and I let slip a faint smile. His hand reached up and held my fingers in place.

"I love you, Hermione." He said. And I smiled.

"I love you too, Harry."

He smiled and pulled me close, crushing me in a necessary hug. He was breaking my heart. Those three words meant infinitely different things to him than they did to me. He would never see me as more, and I would never dream of telling him. I couldn't risk it.

I patted him softly on the back and he let me go. I reached onto my toes and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. Then I turned and walked into my room, shutting the door behind me.

Days passed in the same scenario. I made sure not to make as many abrupt exits and she made sure to keep his attention rapt. He was so busy between her and Quidditch that he didn't notice my absence as much.

The following week I received an owl at breakfast. It bore a letter from a job application I had sent out weeks before. Harry and Ron looked at me curiously, waiting for an explanation, but I offered none. I excused myself from the table and hurried to the library. My heart hammered hard against my ribs as I rushed to the back of the stacks. When I knew that no one could find me in the maze of books, I tore the letter open.

I smiled. I had been accepted into the research team I had applied for. I would be going to Egypt only a handful of days after the end of the school year. I held the letter against my chest and bit my lip in excitement. I allowed myself a small triumphant jump before tucking the letter into my bag and making my way back out of the library.

Later I told the boys that the letter had been from my parents. I did not feel the need to tell them just yet. I did not want to see the shocked realization register across their faces when they discovered that I would not be spending the rest of the summer with them. I would not see them again for almost a year. But I needed this. I needed to get away from it all.

But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

I had had the growing feeling of being trapped for the last year; since the end of the War. I had spent so much time planning strategies that I had never planned my own future.

I had lost my sense of being one, and had accepted a sense of being one-third. It had to end. The thoughts had plagued me for months before I cracked and sought out a job far away from London.

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering

Far away from Harry…

I had, at some point unknown to me, begun feeling something more for him. Something that was akin to the deep friendship we had had for years, but seemed so much more. It burned me. It hurt my heart and my head trying to figure out why exactly things had changed.

But things did change. And I had come to accept that the change had only taken place within myself. That he would never feel the same way. That he would never see me as more than his best friend. His "'Mione" who had a solution for everything, knew everything. I wanted to be everything else to him, but my apparent asexuality to the boys was infuriating.

Only in brief bursts of apprehension did I become fully female. Like when they saw me talking to another boy, or accidentally glimpsed a little too much from time to time (which was bound to happen after so many years and near death experiences).

So I had decided to leave. I couldn't hide the blush that betrayed me every time his skin brushed against mine. I couldn't keep making up excuses for when I was caught watching him just a little too long, just a little too intently. He would discover how I felt at some point, and things would be ruined. So I had to leave.

That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

It would be hard, I knew. To get used to being alone, without Harry and Ron. But there were so many other people and places in the world, and I wanted to find them on my own. I wanted to make new adventures and new memories that weren't laced with danger and angst.

I wanted to discover who I was when I was not a part of the Golden Trio. When I had no bookworm label and nothing too exceptional was expected of me. I wanted to see who I could be when I was merely Hermione and nothing more.

I would wait until the last moment to tell the boys of my plans. If they knew any sooner then they would try to change my mind. They would beg and plead and in the end I would crumble under their sad eyes and stay. So I told absolutely no one of my intent.

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should

I sat underneath the large tree, trying to study, but was easily distracted by the surrounding bodies pressing in around me. It was a warm and comfortable day, and we had all decided to spend the afternoon lounging around the grounds soaking up what sun we could. School was almost out, only a handful of days left.

"Put the book away and talk to us, Hermione," Harry whined, reaching over and taking the large tome out of my lap and placing it out of my reach. I shot him a scolding look before he laid down, resting his head on my legs.

I raked my fingers through his messy black hair and smiled. He looked up at me and winked, a cheeky grin on his face and I laughed out loud. At my laugh he smiled and nestled deeper into my lap. I laid my head back against the tree and closed my eyes to the pleasant breeze. I moved my fingers through his hair lazily and listened to Ron, Neville, Luna and Seamus' conversation without partaking in it.

After a long while I looked down to see Harry dozing off, his face set in a care free grin, his breath steady and sure. I did not get to see him like that often enough, even after the war was over. I pondered what would happen if I woke him with a quick kiss to the forehead, but quickly thought against it.

"Hey guys!" I turned to see Ginny walking towards us, her fiery hair blowing in the breeze, her arm raised in a polite wave. At her voice, Harry had opened his eyes and pushed himself up onto his elbows. His face was merely inches away from mine, but he took no notice in the close proximity.

"Hey, Gin!" we all chorused as she finally reached us.

"It's getting late, almost time for dinner. Want to head in?" she asked, though it was obvious that she was talking only to Harry, her eyes trained on his. He nodded, pushing himself into a sitting position then standing. He looked back at me, holding out his hand in an invitation, but I shook my head. He shrugged his shoulders and began walking away with her.

I watched them go for a few moments, finally turning away when her hand reached out to touch his shoulder, expressing a point to whatever it was that they were talking about. I had told Ginny to go after him, to approach him and flirt. I had pushed her onto him. It was the only means of convincing myself that there would never be anything between he and I, and that he would be taken care of when I left.

But it was a terrible thing to watch; her success. I pushed down the lump in my throat and told myself that it was all for the best. They fit together. She was strong enough to take on his nightmares and still blasé enough to help him forget them. I had nightmares of my own, I told myself, I could not cure his as well.

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

The rest of us lingered out on the lawn for a few more minutes, trying to soak up what was left of the waning sun. I reached for my book and put it back into my bag. When we were all ready to go, Ron helped me to my feet and threw his arm around me.

"You've been quiet a lot lately, 'Mione. Not yelled at me too much this last week," he laughed as I playfully poked him in the ribs. He let his arm fall from my shoulders and thrust his hands into his pockets. I braced myself, recognizing Ron's stance. He was trying to look aloof while having every intention of diving into a serious conversation.

"I mean it, though. What's been going on with you? Harry and I are starting to get worried."

"I wish you two would stop discussing me behind my back, Ronald. As I've told both you and Harry, I am perfectly fine. I may be a little stressed about NEWTs, but besides that there is obviously nothing for you boys to worry about." I looked him straight in the eye as I said it, and he grinned and shrugged his shoulders, accepting what I had to say.

"Well, if you ever need to talk, we're here," he murmured, and I had to hold back a very unladylike snort. He and Harry always shied away when I really wanted to talk about my problems. How ridiculous to think they'd listen now. Not that I'd be honest by any means.

Later that night I sat alone in the common room, staring into the dying embers of the fire, my back rested against the couch. I wasn't sure what time it was, but I was certain that I was the only one still awake. I had allowed everyone to go to bed before me, telling them that I wanted to study for a little while longer.

The moment I was truly alone, though, I had put the books away. I could feel the slight build of pressure and the lump in my throat and I tried to hold back a sob. I was scared. All I had ever really known were these stone walls and the two boys sleeping soundly upstairs. What if I could not fit in anywhere else? At that thought, I felt the sob escape, coming out in a rasping, choking breath.

"Hermione?" I froze, trying to compose myself as his footsteps echoed down the stairway. "What are you doing still awake?"

"I couldn't sleep, Harry. And I wanted to study a little more. My last two NEWTs are tomorrow," I smiled sheepishly at him, trying to pass myself off at embarrassed at being caught out of bed so late. Not for crying by myself in the middle of the night.

He studied me for a moment, his head cocked a little to the side, brow furrowed and eyes searching. I stared back because I could not bring myself to look away. His hair was mussed even more than usual from sleep, his pajama shorts slung low on his thin hips and his tee shirt a little tight around his chest, letting me know that there were defined muscles underneath. He began to slowly approach me, and I concentrated on breathing.

He sat down beside me, his skin making contact with mine the length of our arms. I laid my head onto his shoulder and he pressed his cheek into my hair. We sat like that for some time, neither of us really daring to break the silence just yet, realizing it was the calm before the storm.

Then he reached out and brushed his hand against mine. I knew he could feel me shiver at the contact and he reached out and laced his fingers completely with my own. He studied our hands, his thumb brushing up and down my skin. I closed my eyes and savored the contact.

"Hermione?" he whispered. I squeezed his hand ever so slightly to let him know that I was listening. I felt him take a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds, then letting it out in a soft sigh. "What's going on with us?"

I tensed at his words. My eyes snapped open and I turned my head to look at him. He was searching my expression, waiting for the answer in my eyes. I swallowed hard, trying to rid myself of my fear.

"I'm not sure what you mean?" I muttered. He closed his eyes and I could see his jaw tense. He kept them closed for a few seconds before opening them, and when he did I shrugged away a little. He looked so hurt and angry.

"No more lying. You've been avoiding me and I want to know why. I want to know the truth!" he did not speak above a whisper, but the harsh desperation made me flinch as though he had been screaming at me.

"Harry, I can't tell you the truth. It would wreck everything…" I pulled my hand away from his and stood up. I looked down at him and could see his mind roaming every option. Then he had it.

I saw his brows raised in mild surprise, his eyes staring into mine and searching for confirmation. I nodded almost imperceptivity and turned to walk away. I figured he'd want to think about it for awhile. He was always one to brood over things, and I knew that this was going to take a few minutes. I could be up in my room and into my bed by the time he was finished. Then I could try my best to avoid him for the next two days before we left Hogwarts behind and I went to Egypt.

"Hermione," I heard his voice call to me, raspy and urgent. I stopped for only a moment and then began to walk again. I could not deal with his rejection yet.

I had made it to the first stair when I could feel him close behind me. He reached out and slowly turned me to face him. We were almost the same height from my perch on the step, and I could see straight into his eyes. They were churning with something I perceived as confusion and anger.

I was sorely mistaken.

It took me a moment to register that his arm was wrapping around my waist, that his hand was pressing firmly to my back and pulling me near to him. His other hand reached up and cradled the back of my neck, clutching into my hair. When he kissed me, I could not hold back the subtle moan. It was everything I had expected to be, imagined it to be.

At my moan his lips became insistent, feverish. I felt his teeth rake across my bottom lip, begging me to reciprocate. To kiss him back. I felt my arms reach up of their own accord, felt them tangle into his hair and hold him close to me. He lifted me off of the stair and carried me a few short inches before putting me firmly back onto the ground.

When we finally needed to breathe, we pulled apart, both gasping for air and a little flushed. I looked into his eyes again and saw that same emotion churning, and suddenly I recognized it. It was the same look I had felt in my own eyes for the past year, the same want and need and hope. And it broke my heart.

I could feel my body shaking as the tears began pooling over without permission. My body began wracking with sobs and I could see the surprise in his features. He flinched away and I covered my mouth and clamped my eyes shut.

"Hermione? I'm so sorry…I thought you had wanted this, I thought that you felt the same way?" I sobbed even harder at his words. Of course his first conclusion would be guilt; that he had kissed me without my wanting and I was angry.

"Ha-arry. I…I can't do…t-this…" I choked out. He began moving away from me, but I threw my arms around his waist, pulling him tightly against me. He ran his hands soothingly up and down my back as I cried.

When I could finally compose myself enough to speak, I looked up at him. He looked so hurt and confused. What had I done?

"I love you, Harry."

He looked at me closely, and I knew that he was beginning to understand the true meaning. The truth in the words; the feeling of more than friendship. He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed.

"I love you too, Hermione." And I could feel the subtle change in his voice. The deeper pitch and the undertone of what I had always wanted from those words. It almost sent me into hysteria once again.

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right

"I'm going away, Harry. I'm going to Egypt the first week of the summer. I was accepted into an amazing research association. I was afraid to tell you or Ron because I thought you two would try and stop me…" I said it all in a rush, words running together and he tensed and pulled away. He studied me before pulling me into another hug.

"Why wouldn't you want to tell us that? We wouldn't want to stop you. You'd only be gone for the summer," he said confidently, rubbing his hands against my back again. Showing his moral support.

"I'll be gone the whole year, Harry…" I whispered, and he pulled away so suddenly, the loss of his body pressed against mine was an uncomfortable shock.

"What do you mean the whole year? You wouldn't be coming back? We wouldn't see you for a whole year?" his voice was anger tinged with apprehension. I shook my head, unable to speak without the fear of crying again.

"But…but what about us?" he reached up and stroked his fingers across my cheek before dropping his hand back to his side.

"I love you, Harry, but I have to go. I need to go…"

"NEED to go?! I need you here! I need you with me!"

I could feel the tears begin again, but I paid them no mind. I raised my head up and met his eyes.

"I have to find out who I am, without all of this." I motioned to the common room, to him and then towards the stairs in the direction of the boys dormitories. "Without being one-third, Harry."

He looked as though I had struck him, his head jerking to the side, refusing to face me. He took deep, angry breaths and I could see him counting to himself. A trick I had taught him years ago to control his anger.

"I wasn't aware you felt that way. That you were so tired of us." His voice was barely audible but it seemed to hang in the air between us. I could feel myself getting angry then.

"Harry James Potter! How dare you!" I spat, causing him to look at me defiantly. "You should know that I am anything but tired of you and Ron, I am not leaving for good, Harry. I will be back. You and Ron have always known what you would do after this. Go on to be Aurors and such. But I have had no idea! I want this! I want to branch out and away from the fighting and the danger. I want to go and be a part of this. Please try and understand!" I pleaded, desperately needing him to accept this.

"But what about us?" he asked again, and I could feel my resolve shaking.

But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

"What about Ginny?" I answered. I could see the conflict raging in him. He had always had a little thing for her; we all had seen it grow throughout the years. "I will be back, Harry, in one year. And if you still want this, still want me, then I would be more than ready to begin something." I reached my hand out and cupped his cheek in my palm. His eyes fluttered close and he sighed, visibly relaxing. He reached his hand up and pressed it to mine, then gripped it and brought them to his side, pulling me in. He kissed me lightly on the lips, then pressed another kiss to my forehead.

"Don't forget about us, ok? Don't forget about me." He murmured into my hair. I held him close and smiled.

"How could I ever forget?" One year was a long time, but it was enough time to figure out who I was. Enough time for him to figure out what he really wanted. I could wait if he could. We walked back to the couch in front of the dying fire and sat there, huddled close together, wrapped in each others arms. We did not talk, only took in each others company.

Two days later, we stepped off of the Hogwarts Express and back onto platform 9 ¾ the three of us smiling sadly. I had told Ron the day before about Egypt, and though he had fought me at first, he had given in and accepted it.

He smiled at me sheepishly and took me into his arms, giving me a suffocating hug. I laughed and hugged him back, trying to fight the tears threatening. I was sad at the thought of not seeing my best friend for another year, but I knew we would be fine. He let me go and began walking off, leaving Harry and I to our own goodbyes.

"Guess this is it…" he said, not looking at me. I smiled sadly and reached up, kissing him lightly on the lips. He pulled me to him roughly, and I could feel his body shaking in quiet sobs. I cried openly, not really sure if I was ready to let go. But I finally did. I stepped back and he leaned down and kissed me again.

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

"A year isn't so long, Harry. Don't forget to write to me, yeah?" He smiled and nodded. Then I watched him walk off towards the Weasley clan. I picked up my trunk and made my way towards the exit. I smiled to myself. I was nervous and scared, but I was strong. Years of being best friends with Harry and Ron had prepared me for anything.

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

Well, I hope that you enjoyed that. Even though the song is sad, I decided to end it on a fairly uplifting note. Please, let me know if you like it, yeah? Catch you on the flip side! -STF