Aegis 'Three for the Road'

AEGIS: Jino/Why I Left You

"You should go and comfort him," I said. I smiled – I thought my face would crack and shatter. The uniform clawed at my neck.

"What if it was true?" you asked me, and sneered, one mocking brow quirked as if daring me to hit you.

What if? There was a fine, thin rage growing within my chest, building up, blossoming like a red cloud under the habitual hurt you always inflict.

There was no question about it – it was true. I am not that stupid, not that naïve – not anymore.

"If you like him, I'm sure he's a nice man," I said. I didn't mean that, not at all. I meant that you were leaving me – had left me – long ago and now I knew for sure that I had never been enough. Would never be.

That's why I left you, Izare. I couldn't bear it, no more than I could endure the endless blood and the bullshit and the fact that there was not one soul left in this cold tattered world that I could trust. I couldn't stomach the thought of you offering yourself to someone else when I was right there, waiting, waiting, for one sign, one single gesture, one touch.

You could have called me back any time, Izare. You know you could. I would have come running—

But…you had already left me, Izare. Long ago. You cut me off, threatened me, scoffed at me, and your eyes were always cold like ice. You turned your back on me, my friend, my love, and not once did you ever consider how that destroyed me.

…And still, it was the hardest thing I ever did, leaving you.

AEGIS: Izare/Lament

I still remember that moment, the dread I felt when I realized it was you out there, alone and friendless…finally free. The memory wakes me up when I sleep. It keeps me cold inside, frozen, and only the hope that you are finally safe, far from here, leaves me any warmth at all.

I believe I died a little – or maybe, I died altogether, deep inside. Certainly, what little heart I had left shriveled up within me and the dry, cold sand of the desert encroached. I had simply never believed that you'd actually leave me – no matter how hard I tried to force you to stand up, to walk away from your childish dependence – I never thought that you'd really go.

I wish I had died then, watching your bright spark disappear into the starscape. I could have gone with you if I had no body to hold me here. I could have wrapped my astral arms around you and held you close and tight, tangling this ice blonde hair with your warm dark curls. I would have given anything – anything – to be in that capsule with you, staunching your precious blood back into your body, laughing, joking, making silly, useless plans to track down Sis.

I would give anything now, and forever, to keep that shy smile on your face, the one I wish I had not seen – they had not seen. But, even now you've left me, there are actions I can take to keep your new world free of this senseless bloodshed, this never-ending war.

Free of me, too, and all the scars that I carry. Free of the foolish, hopeless me, who loves you.

I die for you endlessly, as I died every day I glimpsed your face in the hallway, in passing, and every time you looked past me, not seeing. As I die when I think of you touching that woman.

You shouldn't have to see that, not now. You shouldn't be forced to face me… or your cruel, pain-filled past. Let me fade into your distant memory as the one who betrayed you, the one who couldn't be trusted, the one you're glad you left behind. Find someone else, someone who can dare to hold you, someone you can keep safe.

…But, Jino, I still wish you knew I would have given anything – as if I had anything of value left to give – to have gone with you that day.

(Is that what you meant, Sis, when you laughed and cried, and mourned us while still smiling that last night at the orphanage? Did you know already how it would be?)

AEGIS: Izare/Final Fantasy

As I lay dying, I thought of you. No, I'm wrong – I thought of Sis and my promise first, and then you.

Always you. I think of my blood as it leaves my body, gushing, trickling, falling out of the holes the knives and guns left behind. I think of it rushing toward you, seeking you out, so that somehow I can touch you before my fingers are finally clenched in the cold still of death.

I think of my body, the body that Captain Kenny defiled, the body I used for you – I imagine it touching yours, our skins in blessed contact, our breaths mingled sweetly as we kiss. I lick your lip, suck it, seeking nectar. Your hand settles on my neck, under the curtain of my hair, and you pull me closer.

I dream of heat – the heat of bedclothes, the heat of summer, when we used to sneak out of the orphanage in the dusk after dinner and find our way down to the creek bed. We would lie on the smooth long grass, glossy and sharp-edged, and hold hands. I always tried to pull away then, thinking that it was weak of me to cling to you. If only I'd known that'd I'd die without ever having that chance to hold onto you again.

I can almost taste it, the soft sigh of your lips; almost feel the curve of your body, coming together with mine. It eases the memory of pain, of biting my lips so that I wouldn't scream, of hating you so much because I had to do this – I had to do this, for you.

I hear their voices instead, when I only want to hear yours. I want you whisper into my ear – but not that you're leaving. No, not that. Tell me something good, something I can hold onto as the light fades and brightens and the voices are fogged.

Tell me that you love me. Hold me closer, hold me dear. Remember me as I once was, way back when, and don't flinch away.

Hold me closer, love. Don't let go. Take my blood, my dreams, my hope for you – take them and run, as far and as fast as you can. Keep them with you, my love. Take me as armor, as your shield.

Take me—

With…you

…please—