Summary: Burt is a protective father, so when he finds out Kurt is alone in a house with his too-charming new boyfriend Blaine, the mechanic goes to investigate the situation. Blaine/Kurt from Burt's perspective
Rating: Teen
Genres: Family, Romance, Fluff, Comedy
Disclaimer: The heart-warming Glee characters are not my creations, nor is The Princess Bride, which is referenced in this piece.
Author: MinervaEvenstar
Title: What to Do When your Virginal Son is Alone with his Boyfriend
Kurt called his dad at the shop to ask if Blaine could come over to help him bake Carole's birthday cake. Burt hesitated before answering. He and Carole were both at work, and Finn was out buying his mother a last-minute gift.
"I don't know, Kurt. No one else is home."
"So?"
"So, I don't know if I'm comfortable with you two being alone in my house. Finn isn't supposed to have girls over without supervision either."
"But I thought that was only at night. It's daytime." Kurt sounded confused, and Burt wondered if the naivety was genuine. It might be, which was mildly adorable and majorly worrisome, but Kurt could easily be being deliberately obtuse to get his own way.
"People can behave inappropriately during the day, too."
"Huh, I guess you're right," remarked Kurt as if he'd never thought about it. "But if I were going to do that, wouldn't I have invited Blaine over without asking, then sent him away before anyone came home so nobody would know he'd been here?"
Burt sighed. "Fair point. Okay, he can come over." A brilliant idea struck him. "But I will be calling you randomly, and if you don't answer within four rings every time, then this can never happen again."
He could HEAR Kurt rolling his eyes over the phone, though there was a smile in his voice when he said, "I understand. Thank you, Dad."
"You're welcome, Buddy."
Burt tried to refocus on his work after the call, but couldn't whilst knowing that his gay teenaged son was alone in the house with an equally gay, equally teenaged boy. A boy whom Kurt was dating. A boy who had told Burt that Kurt should be educated about sex. Granted, the two hadn't yet dated when the suggestion of sexual education had been made, but that didn't mean Burt discounted it.
Burt liked Blaine; he really did. The boy always seemed to say and do the right thing. He never used vulgar language or failed to finish his homework. He was punctual for his dates with Kurt. When he came over for dinner, he helped Carole set the table beforehand and assisted Kurt with washing the dishes afterwards. The bedroom-door-open rule was always respected. When he took Kurt out for the evening, Blaine happily watched football with Burt and Finn while Kurt took ages to perfect his outfit. Once the countertenor finally emerged, Blaine complimented Kurt on whatever he was wearing and gallantly offered Kurt an arm while holding the door open with the other. They were never out past Kurt's curfew. Blaine sang Kurt songs and bought him treats. The few times Burt had seen them kiss, Blaine didn't try to slip a hand underneath Kurt's many layers of clothing.
Blaine Anderson was The Ideal Boyfriend. It made Burt suspicious.
Burt had been a teenaged boy himself and remembered the hormonal urges. It was odd Perfect Blaine seemed immune to them. Was Blaine not truly homosexual? Was Blaine getting gratification from someone other than Kurt? Was Blaine a eunuch? Burt wouldn't mind the last one, but Kurt might.
As Burt attempted to tighten loose spark plugs on the engine of a 2001 Chrystler, a scenario of what might be going on at home flashed through Burt's mind:
Blaine's hands touched Kurt in places which weren't appropriate by Burt's standards.
Kurt's eyes were wide with nerves. And innocence. Lots of innocence. "Blaine, I'm not sure I'm okay with that yet."
"I'm sorry. We don't have to do anything you aren't ready for," replied Blaine, moving his hands away, because he ALWAYS said and did the correct response. "It's just I love you so much and I want a chance to show you." Blaine held Kurt tightly. "I want to be close to you and make you feel good." Voice persuasive, face earnest, Blaine asked, "Don't you want to feel close to me, too?"
"Of course," Kurt said uncertainly, "but-"
Blaine's hands drifted back to the Forbidden Zones. "It'll feel good, Kurt, trust me. You do trust me, don't you?"
"Yes..."
"Then let me touch you. Please?"
"I don't kno-" Blaine silenced Kurt's protest with a passionate kiss, leaving the sweet romantic gasping in his arms.
"Please? You're beautiful and special, and I want to make you feel that way. Just try for me. I promise to stop if you don't like it."
"Well, all right."
Just like that, the dapper and suave jerk would have Burt's precious baby doing things that made him uncomfortable.
Burt threw his wrench on the floor in frustration. It wasn't that Burt never wanted Kurt to be intimate with someone. He wanted Kurt to enjoy all of the pleasures the world had to offer. The mechanic simply worried about it happening quicker than Kurt could handle.
Carole had chastised him for worrying himself unnecessarily by watching too many After School Specials online about adolescent peer pressure and date rape once he found out his little angel was in his first relationship. She was probably right; she usually was. He also knew Kurt would pull his Bitch Face if he knew he'd been cast as 'the girl' in Burt's mental picture, and the annoyance would be valid since Burt knew better than anyone that Kurt had an incredibly strong will. However, none of that reassured Burt because he remembered how frightened Kurt had become when he'd been bullied and how tense discussing sex had made him.
There was only one way Burt was going to be able to get any work done now.
Burt Hummel announced to his fellow mechanics he was taking his lunch break and drove home to check on his son and the potential wolf-in-sheep's-clothing with whom Kurt was keeping company.
Burt entered through the front door as quietly as possible, and was optimistic when he heard the electric whisk coming from the Hudmel (a term coined by Finn for the Hudson/Hummel family) kitchen, which likely masked the sound of his entrance and proved the boys were indeed cooking. He crept closer to take a peek.
"The batter is perfectly smooth now!" Kurt announced, pleased. "Could you put the pan in the oven so I can wash the splatter off of my hands, Blaine? Then we can work on making the icing from scratch while the cake bakes." He headed towards the sink.
"No, wait," Blaine requested, placing the pan as directed.
"Hmm?" Kurt turned around in confusion.
Gently, Blaine took Kurt's wrist in his hand and lifted the pale, soiled fingers to his face. He looked at Kurt questioningly and when the taller boy didn't object, a tongue darted out of Blaine's mouth to tentatively lap at the chocolate on one fingertip. Kurt gasped, which Blaine took as a positive sign, and without further ado sucked all three of Kurt's fingers into his mouth.
Kurt looked a bit startled, which Burt deemed fine, but disliked Kurt's wide eyes and tilted head were more curious and considering than anything else. Blaine was loud as he slurped and moaned obscenely and Kurt, by contrast, bit his lip to prevent any noise from escaping.
Blaine finally pulled out Kurt's cleaned fingers with a suggestive pop and met Kurt's gaze boldly. "Mmm. Delicious."
Kurt took a breath to collect himself. "I should hope you'd think so. That cocoa mix is coffee flavored, and you inhale the drink like you might one day be exiled to an island where coffee beans don't grow."
"I wasn't talking about the dessert."
"Oh." A blush spread across Kurt's cheeks.
Blaine traced the blush with his thumbs, staring at Kurt with his heart in his eyes. "I am so lucky to have someone as wonderful as you."
Kurt visibly melted and wrapped his arms around Blaine's shoulders as if he were unable to keep himself upright.
See? THAT was what Burt was worried about. He believed Blaine was a good person who genuinely cared about his son - he wouldn't let them date if he didn't - but Blaine Anderson was too darn charming. Blaine could use Kurt's tendency to swoon at romance to make him putty in Blaine's hands.
Their lips met tenderly, but it didn't stay chaste long. Blaine pulled Kurt closer by the waist and the whimper Kurt emitted enabled the kiss to become open-mouthed. The two remained slow and gentle with one another, but became noticeably more intense. The shorter teenager kissed Kurt as if he could gradually drink him in until they became one being. Kurt ran hands up and down Blaine's arms in appreciation of both Blaine's actions and muscular definition. One of Blaine's hands continued to grip Kurt's hip whilst the other slid back to caress his spine. The paler lad made another muffled sound of pleasure into his boyfriend's mouth and slipped digits from Blaine's shoulders to his chest so they could rest over his heart, which was presumably beating quickly.
Burt knew he had no right to intervene, though he wished they would stop on their own because - despite everything being Above the Belt - the emotions involved in the act were too intimate to be witnessed by others. The mechanic was grateful when the couple's lips disengaged and they leaned their foreheads together as they struggled to regain oxygen.
"We should, um, we should cook," Blaine said breathlessly.
"Right." Kurt nodded dazedly, then shook his head. "No." He appeared resolute about what he was about to say. "Why do you always stop?"
"Stop? Kissing you?" Blaine's blink resembled a bewildered puppy. "I like kissing you, but I need to breathe."
"But after breathing, you don't go back to kissing me unless I ask you to. It makes me feel like maybe you don't want to."
"What do you mean?"
"I love it when we kiss, but it makes me wonder if it's as good for you as it is for me because you're always the one that stops us from kissing more. I know I'm not sexy, so-"
"Woah, wait!" Blaine pushed Kurt away in order to look at his face fully. "What are you talking about?"
Kurt's smile was humorless. "Gas pains, remember?" Burt had no idea to what his son was referring, but Blaine must have understood, as he groaned in dismay.
"No, Kurt, I just meant it was awkward when you were trying too hard to be sexy. You're hot without trying."
Kurt raised his eyebrows in a haughty way. "You don't have to patronize me just to make me feel better. I can handle the truth."
"Are you crazy? You spend so much time looking in the mirror, you must know it IS the truth. You are the single most attractive kid in all of Ohio. Just you being you, all confident in your identity and not afraid to show your true personality, the way you own whatever space you're standing in, is really hot. I'm not a fake person or anything, but I try to only show the parts of myself I think others need or want - the Warblers, my parents, teachers, whoever - and you don't. You're compassionate towards others, but you never tone down your personality for anyone. You're ALL of yourself all of the time, and it's beautiful. I just stop kissing you when things get a little heated because...well, because I don't know what I'm doing. I've never been anybody's boyfriend before, remember? I'm trying to figure out how to be one by acting like what I think a good boyfriend should be, and what you deserve. You deserve more than I can give you, but I try. I try to be a gentleman, so...so I stop myself when we kiss if I think I might..." Blaine swallowed nervously, "stop being a gentleman."
Burt believed the kid, and Kurt must have as well, for he replied warmly, "For the record, you definitely succeed at being Prince Charming, but you don't have to worry about it so much. I'll still like you if you're imperfect. Actually, it might make me less insecure about my own flaws if you show a few once in a while."
Blaine sighed with relief. "Good because I'm bound to make a mistake at some point. Probably many."
"We'll see. So, just to clarify: You stop kissing me, not because I turn you off, but because I turn you on too much?" At Blaine's mortified nod, Kurt smiled smugly. "Well, that's okay then. I'll, uh, let you know if - when - I want you to be less, erm. polite." Kurt's simper became flirtatious. "I'm sure I will because you're hot, too."
"Why thank you." Blaine grinned. "And your wish is my command." He made a sweeping bow. "Anything you want, anytime you want it."
Kurt crossed his arms over his chest and raised challenging brows. "That is a dangerous thing to promise, Blaine Warbler. I could ask you to do something embarrassing."
"You mean other than carry your copious shopping bags?" Blaine joked.
"What's the point of dating a boxer if I don't get to use his sexy strength for my own benefit?" he queried airily.
"Ah, why indeed." Blaine was still grinning. "So you want to make a demand?"
"We-e-ell," Kurt drew out the word thoughtfully. "I could claim to be jealous about the guy with that hair from the Gap getting a song referencing sex toys when all the ones you've sung for me have been PG-rated."
Blaine wriggled his dark brows teasingly. "Challenge accepted. Be careful what you wish for." He took his phone from his pocket, put the audio on speaker, and placed it down on the counter as the first bars of 'Bad Touch' by The Bloodhound Gang began to play. Blaine spun around and hopped onto a chair, holding a mixing spoon like a microphone as he sang the offensive words.
Kurt's high, bell-like laughter filled the kitchen. Self-consciously, he covered his mouth with his hand in an attempt to muffle the sound and conceal his smile, but his eyes were so bright with joyously affectionate amusement that the attempt was wasted.
Anyone who could make Kurt light up like that and stand with Kurt through his public humiliation at prom was good in Burt's book.
"You're ridiculous," Kurt determined delightedly.
"You're gorgeous." Blaine beamed.
"Kiss me again," said Kurt. "With more tongue this time."
Blaine chortled, "You've really taken to this whole bossing-me-around deal, haven't you?"
"Is it too much?" fretted Kurt.
"On the contrary," Blaine cupped the back of Kurt's neck with a hand and pulled their faces close, "it really works for me."
Kurt flushed again, though Burt uncomfortably noted it might be from arousal this time. "I guess that makes me Buttercup and you my farmboy Wesley."
"If that means I get to become a pirate, then I'm all for it!"
"If you don't stop being a dork and kiss me, then I might decide the icing is more interesting than you," Kurt threatened.
Burt did not stick around to find out if Blaine took Kurt's warning seriously. He figured if the pair agreed his own son would be the dominant partner, then he had little cause to worry about anything happening before Kurt was ready.