Jane was about to open her first beer of the night when there was a knock on the door. Even though she was exhausted she smiled and opened the door.
"Hey, gorgeous."
She could barely say the two words before her girlfriend wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and pulled her in for a kiss. Jane did her best to kiss her back while pulling her inside and closing the door. She could almost feel all the tension from the long day disappear from her body at the touch of those lips against hers.
"Finally" Emily mumbled and kissed down Jane's jaw, to her neck.
Jane closed her eyes and took a deep breath while she smiled.
"You smell so good" Emily whispered.
"Yeah, I just got out of the shower."
Emily pulled back with a huge grin.
"Really? Are you expecting to get lucky tonight?"
Jane laughed and nodded.
"A girl can dream, right? But after dinner, because right now…"
She stopped to place a soft kiss on Emily's lips again.
"I barely have the energy to kiss you."
"Well, then I guess we better get started on dinner. I promise you will need the energy later tonight, because your girlfriend hasn't seen you for almost three days… and she's missed you. A lot."
Another kiss was shared before they walked over to the kitchen. Jane knew she would be taken care of the rest of the night. Emily loved to cook and Jane willingly let her. She opened the beer she had left on the counter and handed it to Emily before she found herself a new one in the fridge. Another part of their relationship that was perfect, Emily preferred the same beer as Jane. And she didn't just tolerate Jane's addiction to the Red Sox, she agreed. A night with beer, pizza and a Red Sox game was perfect for the both of them. They had spent many nights on the couch, yelling at the umpire and jumping up and down in pure bliss after a win. And in the aftermath of a win they always ended up in a heated kiss that always led to an intense night of lovemaking on the couch, the floor, wherever. Red Sox winning a game was basically like foreplay some nights. Jane snickered at the thought.
"What?" Emily asked and looked at her.
"Nothing… Just hoping the Red Sox win their next game."
Emily laughed and nodded.
"Yeah, me too. It always feels so… good."
Her voice dropped to a soft whisper at the last word, and Jane grinned.
"So, how was work?" Emily continued.
The smile disappeared quickly from Jane's face. She hated that question, she hated the fact that her girlfriend hated her job.
"A total mess" Jane replied.
She could see Emily's body tensed at her words.
"Do I want to hear about it?"
"No."
Jane might as well just say she had been in some kind of danger during the day, because that's what her one word meant. Emily didn't want to hear about all the dangerous situations that was a part of Jane's job. She didn't want to know her girlfriend had been in danger. Still she asked, every time.
"Anything I can help you with?" Jane offered to change the subject.
"No, I got it. You can relax" Emily smiled.
Jane walked around the counter and sat down. She sipped her beer and tried her best to relax while she watched Emily. They hadn't been a couple for more than four months, but still her job had caused tension between them. Jane couldn't understand why she was so surprised. It was always like this. No one accepted that her job was a part of her. Sure, it was all fun and exciting dating a cop in the beginning, but as soon as people started to really care about her, the tension started. They would always worry and imagine the worst if she failed to answer her phone. Emily hadn't gone that far yet, but Jane was still prepared for it. She always was.
"Oh, by the way, did you remember to pick up my dress?"
Jane looked up and sighed as she remembered the one thing she had promised to do for Emily the last three days.
"Shit…"
Emily's hands dropped to the counter when she heard the reply.
"You forgot?!"
"Yeah, I'm so sorry! I'll pick it up tomorrow morning. I promise."
Jane tried a charming smile, but Emily laughed in disbelief and ran a hand through her hair.
"Good luck with that. The store is closed tomorrow!"
Jane's head dropped and she cursed silently. She knew she had messed up big time, and she tried to figure out why she hadn't paid more attention, or written it down on a thousand post-its on her desk, or had her mother pick it up for her.
"I was going to wear that dress to my parents' anniversary party tomorrow! That's why you had to pick it up for me while I was out of town!"
"I know! Okay? I know I screwed up. I'm sorry…"
Emily was pacing and rubbing the inside of her left hand, obviously angry and frustrated. Jane desperately tried to come up with an idea on how to fix her own mess.
"How could you forget? You had three days, Jane!"
Emily stopped and looked at her.
"I don't know. I've had a lot on my mind and work has been crazy. I guess it just slipped my mind."
"It slipped your mind? You should've made a note to yourself, or told your mother, or Maura or… whoever."
Jane didn't move and just stared at her beer. She knew Emily was easily stressed by sudden change of plans, so she let her freak out for a minute.
"Oh God, now I have to find a new dress for tomorrow. And this wouldn't have happened if you just spent ten minutes of your lunch break."
Emily sighed and gently shook her head. Jane released the bottle and straightened up.
"You know I can't plan my days like most people. I haven't had a lunch break this week."
"Yeah, don't remind me. I remember our first three lunch dates. I waited an hour, all three times."
Emily nearly spat out the words, and Jane rolled her eyes.
"And you knew that could happen. You knew that from the beginning."
"I know, but that doesn't mean I like it."
Jane stood up and shook her head.
"Em, don't start the same fight about my job again. I'm not doing it."
"I'm not starting anything!"
"Yes, you kind of are. You're starting to freak out."
Jane took a few steps towards the restless and worried woman in front of her. She wasn't quite sure to deal with this. She had no trouble handling a 200 pound serial killer, but a woman freaking out and on the verge of crying was terrifying.
"Can you blame me? I'm giving a speech to over sixty people tomorrow, and all of them are friends of my parents. And I have no dress!"
"I know. We'll figure it out, okay?"
Jane carefully reached out for Emily's hand, but Emily pulled back the second their hands touched.
"We? How are you going to fix this, Jane? Do you happen to have a closet full of dresses that I don't know about?"
"Yeah, sure, I have a whole fucking house filled with dresses and shoes and purses in the suburbs" Jane blurted out sarcastically.
Emily raised her eyebrows, not amused at all.
"I'm going home, I have to find a new dress" she muttered and headed for the door.
"No, wait. That's it. I know someone with a house full of dresses and shoes."
Jane's face lit up at the idea and followed Emily.
"I'm not borrowing a dress from Maura."
Emily grabbed her jacket from the couch and put it on.
"Why not?" Jane asked confused.
"Because one of her dresses costs the same as my whole freaking wardrobe. I wouldn't be comfortable, and I want to enjoy the party tomorrow, not worrying all the time about ruining the dress. I'm going home."
Jane stepped in between Emily and the door, denying her exit.
"You won't ruin the dress. And Maura doesn't care. I've ruined a lot of her stuff through the years, and I'm still alive."
Jane knew it was the wrong thing to say. Any joke that ended with 'I'm still alive' was wrong. It just reminded Emily of the potential danger Jane was facing every day.
"Yeah, well, I'm not you… Can you move, please? I want to go."
"Why can't you stay? It's still early, we can still have a nice evening. And a very… good night…"
Jane tried with a flirtatious smile, but the look in Emily's eyes didn't go away. She was obviously still angry.
"You're fucking kidding me, right?"
"Apparently" Jane sighed, feeling the last bit of patience running out.
"You know me, Jane. You should know how stressed out I am about this! I have no backup plan. I didn't need one because I trusted you. But maybe I should've known better. This is probably my own fault, right?"
Jane was an expert in using sarcasm to express her feelings, and Emily had obviously picked up a few things during their relationship. But Jane was smart enough to keep her mouth shut. She didn't trust herself to say anything more, so she turned and walked away. As she was about to pick up her beer from the counter, she could hear the door slam shut and she turned around. She was alone.
"Shit…"
She exhaled deeply and closed her eyes, wondering if she should go after Emily or not. But she decided to let them both cool off for a while. Jane was angry as well, even though she wasn't quite sure why she was angry. Maybe she was angry at herself for messing up, again. She grabbed her bottle and curled up on her couch. Exhaustion took over when she finally relaxed a little bit. Her mind, though, didn't want to let go of the last few days and how she had forgotten the dress. She pulled out her phone and was about to dial the one person she always called in situations like these. Then she remembered Maura was out of town, and she sighed and settled for a text instead.
Her apartment in New York had never felt like home. Sometimes it didn't even feel like hers. The only place she called home was her house in Boston, where the Rizzolis kept barging in at all times. It had taken a while to get used to having people around, but now she loved it. She felt loved and part of the family. She enjoyed all the evenings where the Rizzoli siblings were gathered on her couch yelling at a game, while she and Angela were making dinner and gossiping.
Maura sighed as she slipped off her shoes. She had decided hours ago that she didn't like those shoes anymore, they were too uncomfortable. She had been walking around for hours, surveying the success of her mother's new art installation and putting up the mask of a perfect daughter. The city was buzzing outside as it usually was on a Friday night. The younger generations were just starting their night as Maura ended hers. She was tired, but this night she was also very confused. Jane's text had occupied her thoughts the last 20 minutes and it was all she could think of as she got ready for bed. As soon as she was under the sheets, she found the text to read it again.
Why are relationships so difficult? The whole night went straight to hell. I've messed up, again. Emily is mad at me. Not sure what to do right now. Think we might be too much alike some times. Kind of wishing you were her…
Her eyes forced her to read it over and over again, just to make sure she wasn't making things up. But the feeling inside stayed the same every time she read the last words; ecstasy. The very thought of Jane wanting her was overwhelming. Maura had been aware of her feelings for Jane for a long time, but she never thought Jane could ever feel the same. And when Jane had fallen in love with Emily, Maura couldn't use the fact that they were both women as an excuse anymore. Jane was simply not attracted to Maura. Or so it seemed. The text had already changed something in Maura's logical brain, and she fell asleep with a content smile on her face.
The drive back home to Boston had never been longer than on that Sunday afternoon. When she finally saw the familiar skyline, Maura drove straight to Jane's apartment. They had barely spoken throughout the weekend, and Maura couldn't wait any longer. She walked down the hall and stopped in front of Jane's door. It took her a few deep breaths before she knocked three times, but she couldn't control her smile when Jane opened the door.
"Hey! You're back early! How was New York?"
Jane broke out into a huge smile when she saw Maura standing outside her door.
"It was fine. Pretty much the same as always. I decided to come home a bit earlier than planned because I needed to talk to you about something."
"Okay…" Jane replied before she threw a quick glance towards the kitchen.
Maura followed her gaze and saw Emily standing by the counter, looking at them.
"Oh… I didn't know she was here…" Maura almost whispered.
"Yeah, we just had dinner."
"I'm sorry, I won't bother you. We can talk tomorrow."
Maura tried to smile and was about to turn away when Jane caught her arm.
"Maura, it's okay. If you need to talk, we'll talk."
Jane spoke slowly and didn't even smile, which meant she was serious. But Maura shook her head and smiled.
"No, it's… it's not that important. Enjoy your evening, I'll see you at work tomorrow."
She ignored the touch of Jane's hand on her arm and walked away. The sound of her heels against the wooden floor was all she could hear. It wasn't until she was halfway down the stairs before she heard the door closing. The sight of Emily in Jane's apartment confused her even though Maura knew better. Of course Emily was in the apartment, she was Jane's girlfriend. And they had obviously made up for the fight that Maura didn't know much about. Why wouldn't they? But Maura couldn't ignore the text, no matter how hard she tried.
When Jane arrived at BPD the next morning she went straight to the café and picked up two coffees before she headed down to the basement. Maura was already in her office when Jane entered.
"Can I interest you in a cup of coffee on a Monday morning?" Jane smiled.
She handed Maura the cup before she sat down in front of the desk.
"Thank you."
Jane watched as Maura took a slow sip before she turned her attention to the file in front of her. Her eyes flicked across the paper in no apparent order, and Jane could tell something was off.
"So, what happened in New York?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
Maura didn't even look up.
"You said you left earlier than planned because you needed to talk to me. I guess it had something to do with your trip. Didn't something happen?"
"No. Nothing happened in New York."
Still no eye contact and Jane leaned forwards.
"Maura. You're not reading that file, and you won't look at me. What's going on?"
With a sigh, Maura closed the file and looked up.
"Your text on Friday. I don't…. Did you mean it?"
"Yeah… of course. Why?"
Jane looked at Maura, trying to make her elaborate. But Maura looked away and got up. She walked slowly over to the door and closed it.
"I want the same as you, Jane. But I didn't think you felt the same way. Especially not after Emily came along."
Jane turned around in the chair and looked at Maura standing by the door.
"I'm really confused right no-"
"I know" Maura cut her off.
"And I understand that. I don't want to pressure you or anything. But I just thought you should know that I want this too. Us. I want you…"
Jane's jaw dropped as she got up in a hurry.
"What? Maura, I… What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about what you wrote in the text on Friday."
They stood there staring at each other a few seconds before Jane grabbed her phone. She quickly pulled up the text, and Maura watched as Jane's eyes read, wondering why Jane had to re-read her own words.
"Oh shit…" Jane mumbled as her hands fell down.
"Maura… I'm so sorry… I…"
She stopped when she saw the confusion on Maura's face.
"Jesus, I don't know how to tell you this but… I meant to write here, not… her."
Everything unraveled for the both of them as they looked at each other. Maura's confession filled the room, making them both uncomfortable and she finally looked away from Jane's intense eyes.
"Oh my god…." Jane sighed.
"You thought that-"
"No, don't!" Maura cut her off.
"Please, can we… just forget about this?"
She barely managed to look at Jane who was shaking her head.
"No! We can't just forget about this. Maura… you said you…. You want me?"
"Please… don't" Maura repeated and turned around.
She didn't want Jane to see the tears that were bound to come any second. Not only had she misunderstood the whole situation, she had even made it worse. Jane knew how she felt, and her worst nightmare was coming true. Jane didn't feel the same.
"I have to. We need to talk about this. Maura, please…."
She shook her head while the first tear escaped her eye.
"You said you want me. You said you want us… How long?"
Jane's voice had turned into a soft plea, begging for an explanation. But Maura remained silent. Jane sighed before she took a step forward.
"Don't."
Jane stopped at the sharp response.
"Please leave. I want to be alone."
"I'm not walking away, Maura. Not until you talk to me."
Jane tried her best to be patient and not push too much. She knew Maura was crying, her trembling voice gave it away, but the questions wouldn't stop spinning in her head. She took another small step forward.
"I had no idea you felt this way…"
Still no response and Jane ran her fingers through her hair. She wanted to reach out and give Maura a hug, but she knew she would be pushed away if she tried.
"I can't believe I'm actually going to ask you this but…"
Jane whispered and wasn't even sure if Maura heard her.
"I need to know. Are you..."
She paused and rolled her eyes at the question that lingered on the tip of her tongue.
"Are you in love with me?"
It sounded so strange and Jane struggled to keep a straight face as Maura laughed slightly and finally turned around.
"Of course I am! You're beautiful and smart, you're brave and you protect me, you stand by me no matter what, you make me feel like I belong, you make me feel like I'm part of a family, you take care of me and you never let me down, I know I can trust you with my life, you let me be who I am, you make me feel alive… Of course I love you!"
The words poured out of her. She sounded frustrated and a little bit angry, like she couldn't believe that Jane even had to ask. Jane on the other hand, was speechless. She stood there staring at Maura, at the tearful face that was trying so hard to fight back all the emotions.
"Jane, I need to be alone… Either you leave, or I'll leave. Do you want me to be even more humiliated by walking around the halls looking like this?"
"No…" Jane whispered and shook her head.
She knew well enough when to leave Maura alone, and this was really not the moment for the slightest doubt. Without thinking, she reached out and gave Maura's arm a gentle squeeze before she left the office.
Maura managed to avoid Jane for the rest of the day. She had no autopsy to perform that would give Jane an excuse to come down to the morgue. Whenever she needed to deliver a report to the detectives, Maura sent Susie instead. She knew Jane would take the hint. She skipped lunch and buried herself in work instead. Anything to keep her mind occupied. But as soon as she got home to her empty house it was useless to ignore her thoughts and feelings. Words came rushing back and she felt the urge to cry again. The sound of Bass moving around in the living room gave her something to focus on for a short while. She found some fresh leaves and sat down on the floor in front of him.
"You are a lucky guy, you know that? No text messages to misunderstand, no awkward confrontations…"
She watched him eat, trying to imagine what it would be like to be Bass for a day. No deadlines, no responsibilities, no one to take care of. She had to admit it sounded very tempting. Locking the door, closing the blinds, turn off the phone… It all seemed like a good idea, because she had no idea how to face tomorrow.
Jane had given up on the movie. She couldn't focus at all. The only thing going through her mind was Maura. Maura and her feelings. Maura's feelings. For her. All the words they had exchanged were still playing, she could almost hear them. It had been a long and painful day at work. She had spent so much time trying to come up with a plan on how to deal with the new change, but she didn't know what to say or what to do. And Maura was obviously not interested in dealing with it at all.
"Hey, everything okay?"
A hand on her cheek forced her out of her thoughts, and Jane looked at Emily who was cuddled up against her shoulder.
"Yeah… I just can't concentrate…"
"No kidding. It looked like you were a million miles away. Something happen at work?"
Emily sat up and turned towards Jane, never letting go of her hand. Jane shook her head and sighed.
"No, it's not work. Maura is going through some stuff, but she won't talk about it and… I don't know. She's been avoiding me all day and I'm trying to figure out what to do."
"Let me guess, you want to help her but she won't let you?"
Jane nodded and rubbed her eyes.
"She can be really stubborn sometimes…"
"Yeah, just like a certain cop I'm dating" Emily laughed.
Jane couldn't hold back her own laughter. It was true. They were both used to dealing with things on their own, refusing to let anyone help. And maybe that was the way to go this time. Jane had no idea how to help anyway.
"She'll come around. Just be there for her, like you always are. So that's why she wanted to talk last night?"
Jane nodded slowly as her thoughts went back to the night before. Maura had come to talk, most likely about her feelings. And then she had noticed Emily and it wasn't important anymore. Now Maura was upset, she felt humiliated and Jane had hurt her and wasn't even aware of it until it was too late. She felt like hitting herself. All this because of one missing letter in a text.
A soft knock on her door made Maura look up from her laptop the next morning. Jane was standing in the doorway and seemed scared to take a step into the office.
"Hey… Can I come in?"
Maura felt her body tense up, but nodded.
"Sure. Anything you need?"
She knew it sounded way harsher than she meant it, but she refused to correct herself. Jane avoided eye contact and looked like she was approaching a wild animal trapped in a corner. She was ready to run if she had to.
"No… not really. I can't stop by just to see you?"
Maura leaned back in her chair and tried to smile, but didn't really succeed. She had tried to prepare herself for this moment, but the humiliation was still present and she found it hard to face Jane again.
"Of course you can" she said, softer this time.
"Good" Jane smiled and took a few steps forward.
Their eyes met for the first time that day and brought their barely existent conversation to a stop. Maura had no intentions of bringing up the awkward moments from the day before and just looked at Jane. The only thing she could hear was her own breathing, and despite her own knowledge, it felt like time was moving slower. Finally she took her eyes off of Jane and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Jane grabbed the opportunity to walk up to the desk.
"Maura… I know you don't want to talk about it, but can I just say one thing?"
Maura sighed before she looked up at Jane again, with eyebrows slightly raised.
"Fine" she mumbled, and Jane didn't hesitate.
"I'm sorry about everything, and I won't talk about it if that's what you want. But…"
Jane smiled and tilted her head.
"But it's really boring eating lunch alone, without you complaining about my choice of food!" And it's only been one day!"
Maura couldn't help but smile.
"That smile… that tells me you hate it too. Because you love to point out everything that's wrong with my lunch."
Jane looked confident while Maura's smile turned into a light chuckle.
"Yes, that is true. Lunch is always boring without our usual argument."
"Are you saying I won't have to spend my lunch staring at an empty booth at the Robber later today?"
"Yes, I believe that's what I'm saying" Maura smiled.
"So… we're good? I'm still your friend?"
Jane bit her lip. Maura couldn't tell if it was because Jane was nervous or just trying to look as adorable as possible. No matter what, it worked.
"You're still my best friend."
Any other day and Maura would have given her friend a hug, but this time she resisted. Instead she smiled and was relieved they had come to some sort of agreement regarding the new change. Jane seemed pleased as well and smiled back. The buzz from Jane's phone startled them both, and Jane jumped by the sudden vibrations on her hip.
"Shit…" she laughed and grabbed her phone.
She read the text before she looked back at Maura.
"You know, if you're interested I know a place where there's a body that needs the attention of a medical examiner. Wanna come along?"
She tried to make it playful, hoping it was the way to go.
"But Jane, they haven't called me yet" Maura protested.
No matter how conciliatory she tried to be, Jane couldn't fight back the eye-roll.
"Really? Four years and you still wait for them to call even though you know they will call any minute because you are the chief medical examiner, and you are on call and you work with homicide detectives and you are always the one that joins us at a crime scene and I'm telling you we have a dead body? Really?"
Maura burst out laughing and reached for her phone.
"I'm teasing you! Let's go."
She knew it could never be the same again. Going back to their close friendship was simply impossible. Countless shared looks which they both broke right away, an arm awkwardly stretched out before it was pulled back instead of completing the friendly touch. Maura knew it would be difficult, but as soon as they were back in the morgue she immediately felt more comfortable. She could focus on the body on her table and what she did best. And even though Jane was there with her, they both had too much to focus on. They worked like the team they had always been; Maura finding the clues and Jane putting the pieces together.
After making sure the lab had plenty of work to do, they headed out to the Dirty Robber for a quick lunch. Maura sighed when the waiter served their food.
"I know. Just say it" Jane teased and looked down at her greasy burger.
Maura smiled and just shook her head.
"I think you know perfectly well what I have to say about all that grease you are about to shove into your mouth."
"Yeah, I do. It's so bad for me, it will clog up my arteries and it's not the kind of food a bad-ass detective should eat. But it's so good!"
Maura laughed as Jane tried to wrap her hands around the burger without creating too much mess.
"You know, you could have a perfectly good burger that is also very nutritious and healthy. Chicken is a perfectly good substitute."
"Yes, I'm aware of that. Chicken, some tomatoes, lettuce with dry whole wheat buns and no cheese! And no dressing or ketchup! That's not my kind of burger. This is! Besides, whenever Emily is making dinner, it's usually that…"
Jane silenced and they shared a quick look.
"That healthy stuff" Jane finished, not nearly as enthusiastic anymore.
Maura looked down at her plate and carefully stabbed at her salad, impaling an innocent piece of chicken.
"Well, that's good. You should probably enjoy this one then."
They both started eating, and Maura made sure to chew as slow as possible to avoid having to come up with something to say. It was the most awkward silence she had ever experienced with Jane. She stared at her salad until Jane cleared her throat and put down her burger.
"Hey… if you are free this weekend, do you wanna catch a movie or something?"
"Don't you have plans with Emily?" Maura asked without taking her eyes off her plate.
"No…"
Jane swirled a couple of fries through a puddle of ketchup on her plate.
"Look" she started and looked up.
"I know we haven't spent much time together since… well, lately. And I feel bad about it."
She let the fries drop to the plate again and leaned her elbows on the table.
"And I just want to make out fo-"
She froze when she noticed the mix up.
"Make up. For it…" she corrected herself.
She buried her face in her hands and sighed. Maura looked at her, unable to control her smile that quickly turned into a chuckle and then an uncontrollable belly laugh. Jane looked up in confusion as Maura reached for her napkin to wipe the tears from her eyes.
"You're laughing" Jane stated, but it just made Maura laugh even more.
"Good job, detective!"
Jane chuckled at the sarcastic remark from Maura.
"Yeah. But it wasn't that funny, Maura."
"Yes, it was! The tough homicide detective is obviously nervous on some levels. And you seemed rather embarrassed about it too."
Jane laughed herself and nodded.
"Fine, I'm obviously afraid to mess up… But as long as you're laughing I'm okay with it."
Maura wiped the remaining tears and took a deep breath, thankful for how easy it was for them to get out of awkward situations.
"Thank you."
The next three days went by like nothing had happened, and Maura started to relax a little bit. Jane didn't mention Emily whenever Maura was around, and Maura never asked about her. It was a simple task that needed to explanation or discussing. For them it was obvious.
Maura was in the middle of an autopsy when Jane strode into the morgue like she was on a mission ordered from the highest authority. Maura saw the determined look in Jane's eyes and knew something was wrong.
"Jane, what's wrong?"
Jane didn't even blink, and Maura took a step forward. But Jane didn't stop. Two more steps and she was deep inside Maura's personal space. She was close enough for Maura to feel the warm breath against her skin, and she lifted her arms on pure instinct as Jane's arms wrapped around her waist. It didn't even take one second before Jane shared more than the space with her, lips pressing against hers and Maura could only think of one thing. Her arms up in the air, scalpel in one hand, gloves covered with blood. She was certain she had blood on her scrubs as well, and now Jane's shirt could be covered with blood stains. And then she realized the lips. Jane's lips, soft and closer than ever. Jane was kissing her. Their lips had somehow found the perfect angle together and matched. Maura didn't even know she had closed her eyes before Jane pulled back.
"I had to know" Jane breathed out, and Maura opened her eyes.
A taste of heaven, so close and all she could do was to stutter something that wasn't even words, but sounds.
"I need to know I'm doing the right thing..."
Jane's voice left no indication on whether she was happy, sad or confused. Nothing. Maura was left speechless as Jane took a step back before she turned around and left. Maura's once treasured personal space became her own again, and her head slowly dropped until she was staring down at her shoes. Confusion didn't even cover part of what she was feeling. Exhilaration wasn't right either, because she had never imagined their first kiss to end up this way. She sighed and her eyes settled on her scrubs, wondering if Emily would ask about the smeared blood on Jane's shirt later that day.
Maura was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, and she wasn't quite sure what to believe. The weekend was coming to an end and not a word from Jane. They hadn't talked since Jane had disappeared in a hurry from the morgue on Friday. Maura had racked her brain trying to understand Jane and her actions. But she wasn't ready to accept what the logical part of her already knew. She tried telling herself she needed more proof, but deep inside she knew what the silence meant; Maura wasn't the right thing. Emily was, and she had been from the start.
"So, tell me? How did it go?" Maura asked and gave Jane a little nudge.
Jane turned to her and smiled. She had been grinning like a fool since she stepped inside the house, and Maura tried her best to be happy for her friend.
"It was… it was a date. Like a date should be. We talked about everything and nothing, about things we've done, things we hate, we laughed and… It just felt so good. It felt better than I could ever imagine."
The words were a slap in her face, and the happiness in Jane's eyes was the dagger in Maura's heart. She knew this day would eventually come. She knew Jane wasn't going to stay single for the rest of her life, but she had never thought it would be a woman that could finally sweep the detective off her feet. And it wasn't herself.
"That's really great. You deserve this."
She forced herself to smile to avoid any suspicion from Jane.
"So you don't think it's weird that it's a woman?"
"No, of course not. Do you?"
Jane tilted her head and sighed.
"Well… yeah, of course it's a bit weird. But… I don't think I care."
The smile was just as painful for Maura as the words. She had spent so much time wondering if she should confess her feelings or not. For a while, every little thing Jane did or said had been analyzed by Maura in hopes of finding a hint, no matter how subtle. Now Maura found herself facing new questions; how should she deal with the intruder? And if Jane had dropped any hints that gender wasn't important before Emily showed up, could it have been the final push for Maura to tell the truth?
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and she slowly made her way to the front door. Jane was standing outside, and Maura froze. She had not expected to see Jane after being ignored for almost three days.
"Hey… can we talk?" Jane asked carefully.
Maura hesitated, but finally nodded and took a step aside. There was something about the detective that made her curious that night, and as Jane walked past her, Maura knew what it was. Jane reeked of beer, and Maura looked at her.
"Are you drunk?"
Jane turned around and noticed the slightly angry tone.
"What? Oh… no, I'm not drunk" Jane answered before looking down herself.
Her hair was wet, there were still some wet spots on her shirt and her jeans were soaked on her thighs.
"I smell really bad, don't I?"
Maura nodded.
"But I'm really not drunk. It's beer… and it's on the outside, not the inside" Jane tried to joke, but received nothing but a stare from Maura.
"And why are you soaked in beer, if I may ask?"
Maura heard how angry she sounded and wondered why. She wasn't really angry, even though she wasn't exactly pleased to see Jane either.
"Emily wasn't too happy when I told her why I was breaking up with her…"
The mention of Emily's name did what it usually did to Maura, it made her want to cry. But as the rest of the words followed her head was immediately filled with a thousand thoughts.
"You broke up?" she stuttered as everything was a total chaos in her head.
"Yeah… and that's why I'm soaked in beer. She found a creative way to empty her glass" Jane smiled.
Maura stared down at the floor, completely lost in the thoughts that were racing through her head. Emily was no longer an intruder and had been mad enough to throw her beer at Jane. The awkward misunderstanding, the kiss, the silence, the fact that Jane obviously had come straight to her house judging by her wet clothes. If Emily wasn't the right thing…
A hand that reached for hers made Maura look up again. Jane had taken a few steps closer, and Maura found herself looking straight into a pair of eyes she knew so well.
"Are you going to ask me why I broke up with her?"
The soft voice and the smile made Maura nervous in the blink of an eye. And when Jane took another step closer, Maura took a deep breath hoping it would calm her down.
"Why… did you break up with her?" she whispered.
"Because I love you. Because I only want you" Jane replied right away without hesitating.
Maura was speechless, and Jane squeezed her hand.
"It's always been you, Maura."
The touch of Jane's hand on her cheek was almost too much to handle, and Maura closed her eyes to prevent tears from falling. It was a powerful trip from complete sadness to confusion and pure bliss, all in one night. She still had a lot of questions, but wasn't quite sure if she should ruin the moment or save them for later. She slowly opened her eyes and smiled at the hopeful look on Jane's face.
"You really are a piece of work, detective…"
Jane laughed and nodded.
"I know. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes."
Maura slipped her arms around Jane's waist, removing the rest of the space between them.
"It's not always easy, but it always seems to be worth it in the end."
"Does that mean I can be your piece of work?"
Jane leaned closer, making their noses touch, and Maura bit her lip. She didn't mind the smell of beer all around her, she didn't care that she might end up smelling just as bad.
"Yes, I think so" she whispered.
"As long as you promise to proofread your texts from now on."