A tale of Scabior, Greyback and their Idiots
Well I wrote this whilst semi- conscious one night so if you find anything mildly disturbing that the reason. Hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: it's all J.K Rowling's. not mine
Thanks to XxFoxiexX for beta reading
It was a cold winter's night; the wind blew hard and biting. The trees bent and swayed in the torrent. Leaves were thrown about as the storm unleashed its wrath on the mountainside and the Snatchers were sick of it.
Scabior had long since curled up under a badger, very uncharacteristic of his pompous nature. Halfway through his marshmallow filled dream, a fly farted and he awoke, gave it his death glare, and promptly fell back asleep snoring. The fly fainted.
Manly was stuck three quarters of the way up a tree. Despite power suggested in his name, he was impossibly small and skinny. The wind had literally picked him up and put him in the tree! A squirrel began to nest in his curly hair, pulling out bits to use as bedding. Manly desperately tried to live up to his name but failed and cried instead.
So far, Chicken Poop was faring the best out of all them. He had managed to light a fire, and thus keep warm. The only problem was that the fire was in his hair...
The Snatchers were waiting for Greyback once again. *Whispers* it was his time of the month. His manstrual cycle. The Snatchers had all learnt to stay well out of his way when he got even a bit stroppy. Well, what was left of them after the frog incident of '05. They still cringe whenever what happened to Flag is brought up. A pencil to the genitals is never a nice way to go...
Anyway Greyback was off doing his 'whatever-he-does-when-the-need-arises', Scabior was dreaming of a werewolf shaped gummy bear that wanted him to do the doodaah in a windmill, Manly was still crying and Chicken Poop... Well he burnt all his hair off, until Manly fell out of the tree and landed on Chicken Poop, consequently putting out said fire.
Suddenly a thunderous crash sounded throughout the night and Scabior jumped up clutching the badger. The badger pooed. Manly and Chicken Poop awkwardly rose from their tangled heap of limbs, clinging tightly to the other's leg. The remaining limbs just remained limbs on the floor. From the darkness arose a black figure, clothed in... nothing?!
"Greyback! What the hell?!" Scabior shouted, dropping the poor badger, and proceeding to blush furiously as he caught an unexpected glance of a certain werewolf's marriage vegetables.
"You scared the crap out of us. Literally" Scabior proceeded to point out the poor badgers poop. Our friendly badger died of embarrassment.
"Oneself was taking a refreshing stroll through the forest. Wonderful change of scenery", Greyback said quite innocently. Manly and Chicken Poop smirked whilst Greyback continued to be oblivious. Scabior trained his eyes firmly on the badger poop and whispered under his breath," certainly a change in scenery..."
Chicken Poop decided it was time to give the innocent Greyback the facts of life. Just randomly, because Manly was picking his nose and Chicken Poop felt the need to do something.
Meanwhile off in the distance the farting fly's flood gates opened; and fly diarrhoea rained from the heavens.
Back on the mountain, Greyback clutched his left foot and sobbed at the loss of his innocence. Chicken Poop had gone into M-rated detail and used Manly as a practical example. Scabior was sitting shell shocked with the badgers toe up his nose. And Manly was staring fascinated at a squirrel, completely unaware of what had just happened.
And as our foursome sat in idiocy on their mountainside, the world carried on without them. Cars speed past on roads, and muggles went about doing their weekday jobs. And somewhere out in the world someone was looking out of their bedroom window wondering when their true love would come. Just as Scabior stared at the stars thinking of his werewolf who slept behind him, completely unaware of the snatcher's love for him.
"I say! Chicken Poop! Scabior looks a bit sad doesn't he? Should we give him the honorary leaf bath to cheer him up, or just drop him off the mountain and end his suffering?", whispered Manly. Chicken Poop thought for a while until he came to a dramatic conclusion.
"Methinks that his heart is too far gone. It has shattered beyond belief and cannot be mended. Even spellotape can't fix him!"
Manly sniffed and wiped his nose on the back of his hand, "Then it's all over!" he wailed. Chicken Poop removed his non-existent hat and bowed elaborately. He then proceeded to step over the still naked, sleeping form of Greyback. The werewolf had one foot behind his head and was cuddling the other to his chest. He was sucking his thumb like a little puppy.
When Chicken Poop had finally reached Scabior, avoiding all the fart mines they had planted for fun, he sat down beside his leader and hugged him. It was all very emotional at this point. Scabior obviously still had no idea what was happening and was unaware that two of his Idiots wanted to throw him off a cliff. He was too caught up wallowing in self-pity.
"Scabior me mate. We have come to the conclusion that your poor heart has been ripped out ruthlessly and stamped on. We understand that you are in pain because your werewolf rejected you..."
At this Scabior burst out crying, purple snot running out his nose as he tried, but failed, to contain his overwhelming Feelnados. Manly tapped Chicken Poop on the shoulder and frantically whispered in his ear, "Code purple snot! Code purple snot! This is serious!"
Chicken Poop proceeded to slap Manly hard, then turned back to Scabior and sung a song of the Feelnados.
Chicken Poop: There once was a boy called Scabior,
Whose name was the same as a rat.
He then became a smelly Snatcher man,
To kidnap stinkier muggles.
Then Voldemort came and #boom,
And the Ministry was overrun.
But my friend Scabior he stayed strong,
And still-turned-to-the-dark-side...
Manly: that's not the point!
Chicken Poop: But Scabior you see we still love you,
Even though you are lost.
Lost in the realms of L-U-R-V-E,
Manly: it's a dark place where the Feelnados roam unchecked...
Chicken Poop: but let us help you wipe up that purple snot as we throw you off the cliff to end your eternal suffering.
Scabior looked positively terrified. As Manly and Chicken Poop stalked towards him, he looked frantically around for a way of escape. His foot slipped on the badger poop and he fell, only to land on a fart bomb.
It went off and the whole mountain shook. Greyback woke up from his sleep, to see Scabior being manhandled by Manly and Chicken Poop. No one touched his Scabior! Greyback had never been told what love was but he was pretty sure it felt warm and snugly inside his chest. Just like he felt every time he looked at Scabior. Scabior was his love.
Greyback jumped up and strode over to where Manly and Chicken Poop where trying to kill his Scabior. He pushed them away easily and hugged Scabior in what could be described as a 5 year old bear cuddle.
"Scabior. I don't know what love is but Chicken Poop said that when people love each other they..." Greyback didn't get further than that before Manly and Chicken Poop ran away crying, clutching their heads as many dirty images entered their minds.
Meanwhile Scabior stared dreamily up into Greyback's yellow eyes and Greyback stared back.
"What else did Chicken Poop teach you, Fenrir?"
And on that night Greyback discovered what love was, and that marriage vegetables had a purpose.
Scabior discovered that Greyback loved him, the heart could be mended and that his world utterly, truly revolved around his werewolf...
There it is…
Thanks for reading, please review. They make me happy