AN: Thank you so much for all your lovely comments, and they really do mean a lot. I've been struggling a bit with this particular story, and I originally meant for it to be a two or perhaps three-parter. So it may be just be a random one-shot or it may be updated later if I somehow manage to actually write something coherent. It's set during 3.6.
She finds it difficult to look at him, at the monster in her lover's body. That's not Stefan, Elena tells herself repeatedly, finding new ways to differentiate between her Stefan and the other Stefan, the one currently roaming around town. The other Stefan has cold eyes and his facial expression shifts from total boredom to a sneer, his voice cold and unnerving; he would never admit to listening to that one Miley song, wouldn't dream of cooking her dinner or sitting up all night with her just to make sure she wouldn't have nightmares about dead parents. This Stefan wouldn't wake her with wet, sloppy kisses, wouldn't spend time trying to make her laugh and smile. Elena's Stefan, for the moment, is gone, buried beneath the Ripper and compulsion and who knows what else.
Yet Elena can't help but wonder if that really is the case. Every so often a softness comes across his face, usually when he's looking at her and it's easy then to think that Stefan's actually seeing her and not Elena the human blood-bag. Easy to think that despite the compulsion her Stefan is still there, struggling like hell to break free. He smiles at her and it's a different smile, not as soft or loving as before, but not quite the evil leer he had right before he drank her blood. If anything the smile resembles the one he always wore right after sex, all pleasure and satisfaction. Elena has to admit that when she looks at him in class and sees him looking at her like that she wants to dart out of class and find the closest convenient spot just so they could fuck right there in school. Fucking Stefan in his current state- that thought doesn't repulse her.
No. She can't let herself be okay with this. She can't let herself fall for dangerous, destructive Stefan, she has to fight this, continue fighting for her Stefan; she knows it's not going to be easy, that even if the real Stefan does come back he's going to be broken with guilt and grief. He'll definitely try to kill himself with sunlight or starvation, will push her away, might try to run away, but she won't let him do any of those things. If- when that happens (because her Stefan will come back, she can't let herself think otherwise), Elena won't let Stefan give up on himself or give up hope. All through the past year Stefan fought so hard for her and she has to do the same now. She needs him back.
It's difficult though. Difficult to make eye contact with him and smile, because even if it just starts out as a game, a way to draw him in so Alaric can stake him with vervain, it becomes real. The little smiles, the flirty eyes, and Elena wants to just shove Stefan against the tree and kiss him. Her face heats up and Stefan's smirk grows and she has to look away. And then he's talking to her in a low voice, standing right behind her and it was all she could do to focus on his words rather than his hips; if it weren't for the fact that Stefan's tone is eerily blank Elena could easily do something quite different from storming off in a semi-drunken huff.
It's like that despite knowing Ripper Stefan doesn't care about anything but blood, has no qualms about killing people, hurting them and using them, Elena's still attracted to him. She can't decide if that made her a totally selfish and disgusting person, more so than the whatever feelings she has for Damon (those she can't think about, isn't sure if they're actually real) and knows that they're only so freaking apparent because she's so fucked up about Stefan. It's like she has feelings for two people, Stefan and Ripper Stefan.
Yet there is something about Ripper Stefan, much as Elena hates to admit it. When she falls and he catches her, their eyes lock and she nearly faints from the contact because there's so much heat and passion there. Stefan looks afraid, frightened and terrified that something would happen to her and that he wouldn't be there to save her; yet there's so much else there besides fear, so much love that for a moment Elena forgot about the plan and simply gazed back, unable to move because it hit her again how much she loved him. Slowly, gently, Stefan set her back on the ground, keeping his hands on her body to steady her, and Elena wants nothing more than to kiss him and tell him how much she loves him.
While they watch Alaric's truck burn, it's Elena who steadies Stefan- he's still weak and dizzy from the vervain as he leans heavily against her body, his head on her shoulder. Despite Alaric's warning looks Elena holds onto Stefan tightly, cradling him against him, eventually even resting her head on his; it just felt so fucking good to hold him even if he wasn't her Stefan and he was only leaning on her because of the vervain. That look... Elena can't get that look out of her mind. Maybe his emotions aren't really turned off, maybe even Ripper Stefan still cares for her in ways more than just her blood.
Alaric drives them back to the Salvatore house, protesting against Elena coming along but Elena flat-out refuses to go home; she sits in the backseat with Stefan still semi-collapsed against her and though she thinks the vervain would be wearing off by now Stefan remains leaning heavily against her, one hand fisting the hem of her shirt. Elena closes her eyes and inhales his scent, now marred by smoke and blood, but underneath it's still him, he hasn't started using Evil Cologne or something. It's still Stefan and yet not Stefan.
The bloodstained rugs make her want to cry, vomit and hit something, preferably Klaus's heart with a stake or his head with a very heavy books, a dictionary or Riverside Shakespeare. She's exhausted and confused, can't figure out what the hell is up with her emotions and Stefan. She loves him, she always knows that, that's probably the only thing she's fully sure of right now. But her feelings for Ripper Stefan- why the hell does she have feelings for a monster?
Stefan doesn't exactly help matters before Elena leaves. His voice was soft and soothing, and Elena desperately wants to believe his words, but more than that, she wants to believe that he'll protect her not just because he has to but because he wants to, that he's still capable of feeling something other than bloodlust. She kind of thinks it's true, based on the look earlier. Then Stefan has to go and try to wreck that, which makes Elena so fucking furious that she nails him with the stake, storms out before she could act out her impulses and fuck him right there on the hall floor. Because what kind of person wants to fuck a cruel monster wearing her boyfriend's face?
In bed she tries to sleep, knowing 5:15 will come all too soon. Yet Elena can't sleep, can't stop thinking about Stefan, analyzing every detail about the look, the way he held her and wouldn't let her go. The way he smiled at her, a non-fake smile but one with actual emotion even if it was just gleeful satisfaction. She wants her Stefan back, more than anything she wants her Stefan back, her Stefan who's a little awkward with others and an amazing cook and better dancer than he'll admit, who will spend a day with her watching romantic movies just so he can sit with her and hold her close. Her Stefan. Yet there's something intriguing about Ripper Stefan, about his icy confidence and lazy smile.
Stop it, Elena told herself. That's not the Stefan you love, that's not the Stefan you want. She tells herself that before going to sleep, but thoughts of Ripper Stefan standing behind her, smiling at her, looking at her are impossible to erase from her mind.
Elena doesn't get much sleep that night.