A/N: Special thanks to Darkwolf3000 for this prompt. I was in the perfect mood for some angst. 8D You should all know I don't own any characters mentioned. Please enjoy.
Title: Because Of You
Characters: Prowl, Sari, Ratchet, Optimus, Bulkhead
Summary: (sequel to Tonight I Wanna Cry) They understand his loss, why he can't forgive. What they don't understand is why he seems to blame them as well.
Warnings: mentions of character death and past slash, a little Sari-bashing, angst
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Now that you did this
You ask for forgiveness
Doctor could you be my priest?
You say you're mistaken
But look what you've taken
Because Of You--Nickelback
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Ratchet
"Prowl, you know I didn't mean it. It was an accident. I'm so, so sorry. How many times do I have to say it?" She was pleading with him yet again, begging for his forgiveness. But no matter how many times she asked, he wouldn't give it; the kid just hurt too bad. I can't say I blamed him. However, I knew how absolutely awful and wretched she felt for being responsible for her best friend's death. I had been unable to hold a grudge against her, though I didn't completely forgive her. No one on the team had. Not even Bulkhead. At least I wasn't treating her like a disease. Despite looking right down at her, Prowl didn't even see her. He refused to look at her.
"Say it as many times as you want, Sari. I. Don't. Care." Pivoting, he left the techno-organic where she was, retreating to his room to probably down more high-grade and lose himself in memories. Tears welled up in her blue eyes, and before I knew it, she was running, out the front door and back home to her father, the only one who truly accepted her now. My spark wrenched for her, but at the same time, I felt a small twinge of loathing for her, too. I didn't think it would ever happen after how attached we'd gotten to the little girl. Then again, it was the little girl who'd made the decision, the utterly stupid decision of upgrading. Because of that decision, we all suffer from Prowl's grief.
Why did he take it out on us as well? He made sure to avoid us, speaking only when spoken to, and generally ignoring our very existence. Sari, of course, had it worse, but that was to be expected. Perhaps he blamed me for leaving his injured bondmate to tend to the girl who had become his killer. Had it been just circuit damage and broken relays, I could've done more. I should've been able to do more, but his spark had been pierced, and it would've taken an act of Primus himself to save the young bot. There was nothing I could do. I had to stop Sari before her and the whole city of Detriot went up in some catastrophic explosion.
Maybe that's what he would have preferred. He wouldn't have to live with the pain of a broken bond or the memory of Bumblebee dying in his arms. Deplorable as the thought was, maybe he would have preferred for Sari to offline as well. With his emotions in such a wreck, it was possible that's what he thought every time he looked at her. Whatever the case, we just had to accept it. If Prowl wanted to act as if the whole 'verse was against him, then so be it. All we can do is just try to move on and hope that somehow he manages to catch up.
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Optimus
I could only watch as Sari fled from the base, her attempt at forgiveness shot down yet again by Prowl's grief and anger. The last few weeks had been tense, to say the least. I could remember all too well having to pilot the ship from Earth to Cybertron for the funeral. Prowl never once left Bumblebee's side, and he'd been very adversed to Sari's presence onboard. I couldn't deny her the right to see her friend's burial. If she wanted to come, that was her choice to make, no matter what Prowl said. Bumblebee had three brothers that I never knew about. I hate how little I actually knew about him now. I invited Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and Hot Shot to come to Earth so they could at least see what their brother had been doing with his life. They thanked me but declined, offering to come at another time. I understood.
I don't know how I ended up standing in front of Prowl's door, but I was so I knocked, hoping I didn't get the door slammed in my faceplate. At least three kliks passed before it finally opened, and I was faceplate to faceplate with a very angry, moody, and disheveled Prowl.
"What?" He snapped, visor narrowed almost to slits. I had to supress the urge to flinch, drawing in a calming intake of air.
"Listen, Prowl. I understand how you feel, but taking it out on Sari is not going to bring him back." His expression darkened, and I knew immediately that I was in for it, sticking up for Sari.
"You can't possibly understand how I feel."
"I lost someone close to me, too. I know--"
"It's not the same, Optimus!" Prowl snarled, his visor flashing a dark, navy blue, "You and Elita weren't bonded, and she wasn't deactivated. She was just reformatted as a cold-sparked Decepticon bitch. I will never see Bumblebee again," His voice broke for just a nanosec, but he gained control of it, "Now, unless you want your optics ripped out, leave me the fuck alone!" With that, the door was slammed shut, and I was left with my thoughts. Sighing, I retreated to my own room to think on how the discussion went.
How could I have thought for a second I could relate to Prowl? As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. I hadn't lost Elita-One, not completely anyway. A totally different femme with her memories and a grudge named Blackarachnia had taken her place. Prowl had lost the one he loved most and had gotten nothing in return but a lifestream of pain. Bumblebee had meant everything to Prowl. He'd been his life, his joy, his entire world. Without him, Prowl was nothing but an angry, grief-stricken shell of a mech. All because of one little girl.
Maybe I should've taken the key from her a long time ago. This could've been avoided that way. Or maybe I should've stayed with her to make sure she stayed out of trouble. I should've been more strict with her. She'd always used the key as toy, but I'd never seen any real danger behind it. With her personality, I should've known she would try something the minute our backstruts were turned. It was hard to admit, but maybe Prowl's treatment of her was justified. His treatment of us wasn't. We'd tried to help, Primus knows we tried our damnedest to help. In the end, it just wasn't enough. I want him to be our friend again, but without Bumblebee, I just don't think it's possible. That part of Prowl died along with him, and I have to mourn for two mechs. Primus just isn't fair.
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Bulkhead
You know, a month ago, I would've gone chasing after Sari to tell her Prowl didn't mean it, and he was just being aft. The only problem with that was Prowl did mean it, and I was finding it harder and harder to find a reason to disagree with him. The only thing that kept me civil towards the techno-organic was the long-standing friendship between us and Bumblebee and how I knew my little buddy would disapprove of the way Prowl acted towards her now. I'm sure Prowl's aware of this fact, too, but he's not likely to forgive her anytime soon. What I don't get (and I'm pretty sure the others are as confused as I am) is why the old ninja-bot is acting like it's our fault, too, that Bumblebee's gone.
I can admit I didn't do much to help out with Sari's upgrade. The only thing I'd told her was to hold it in which proved more dangerous than before. It wasn't long after that when Prowl had tried his ninja power thing, but that backfired, knocking him back at least thirty feet. Both me and Bumblebee were by his side in an instant, Bumblebee being the quicker since he was faster and Prowl's bondmate. I could tell how worried he was about him and Sari. If I'd done something more, like hold him back when he charged right at an uncontrollable Sari, he'd still be here. I've been friends with him forever; it doesn't feel right now that he's dead.
Out of the rest of the team, I probably get the least of Prowl's attitude. Oh, he still avoids and ignores me, but at least he doesn't blow up at me for even trying to start a conversation. I can't figure out why. Though any time I try to stick up for the others, that changes real quick, and he stays mad for days. When it eventually passes, he's back to tolerating me which is probably the closest any of us will ever come to being friends with him again. Why, Sari? Why'd you have to go and do it? Couldn't you have listened to Prime for once? All he said was we needed time to find out what you could and couldn't do with your newfound powers and body. You didn't need an upgrade to get better. I hope you gain something from this cause we sure as the Pit lost more than our fair share.
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Sari
It's not fair. It's just not fair. They all know I didn't mean to kill Bumblebee. It was an accident. He should've listened when I told him to stay back. I've tried defending myself with that, but Prowl always interrupts and harshly reminds me that Optimus told me to stay at the base. Prowl...I've apologized to him a thousand times, but I know he's never going to forgive me. The rest of them sorta forgave me, but I can tell they still blame me. Except for Prowl, they still try to make me feel like part of the team. Bumblebee's ever-present absence will always be a reminder of what I did. What I didn't mean to do.
My heart, spark, whatever it is, hurts so much, both with the guilt and Prowl's apparent hatred of me. Why can't he understand? It was an accident. Yeah, I shouldn't have disobeyed Optimus's orders, but I only wanted to help. Those creatures had Bumblebee. I was trying to help my best friend. I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all Bumblebee. I of course went to his funeral, even though I knew Prowl didn't want me there. Murderer is probably what he thinks whenever he looks at me if he's actually looking at me behind that visor. It wouldn't be far from the truth, I guess. I didn't get to meet Bumblebee's brothers, but I saw them from a distance.
I didn't get how they could've been related until someone explained that all four had been hot-headed, pranksters with a need to show-off. Hot-Shot shared Bumblebee's love of speed. The other two had something called 'jet judo' though I'm sure I didn't want to know just as I'm sure they didn't want to meet a techno-organic, least of all the one who deactivated their youngest brother. They did talk to Prowl though and offered their condolences. If I understood the concept of bonding right, he was practically related to them now. They were family. I hate how they all looked at me after that, how he still looked at me. I just want things to be normal again, even with Bumblebee gone. I don't want to be blamed, even if it is my fault. I just want my friends' trust again, Prowl's most of all.
I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so, so sorry. Why can't anyone accept that? Why can't Prowl understand? What must I do to prove I didn't want any of this? I was just trying to help. 'Some of the worst things imaginable are done with the best intentions.' I remember Prowl saying that to me after my upgrade. I knew he'd gotten it from a movie, but at the time, I could've cared less which one. The relevance of it was what mattered. He's never going to forgive me, but I still want him to know. I'm sorry I killed his bondmate. I'm sorry I killed Bumblebee. I don't know what else he wants me to say. I just pray that one day he'll forgive me because I don't know how much more of this I can take.
BTW: The quote Sari's remembering is from Jurassic Park III. It came to me suddenly, and it fit rather well. Well, Darkwolf, I hope I satisfied the prompt. I hated that I had to bash Sari majorly just to make it work, but I agree with you. She was kinda stupid for doing what she did. Review please. Flames are not welcome, but will be ignore and laughed at just in case. :D