Title: In Hindsight
Author: Little Lunar Wolf
Rating: K+
Summary: As much as it may hurt, it is never too late to change the routine.
Disclaimer: The characters of NCIS don't belong to me and I take no credit. This piece is for the enjoyment of fans. No infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Please don't kill me….I know this took ages and ages and ages and I'm so sorry to keep you all waiting. I just hope this will make things all better. So this isn't what I was originally going to write but I felt it sort of continued on well with both Tomorrows and the actual season. If you haven't read Tomorrows yet it would be advisable to do so, it's only short so it shouldn't take too long. Heres hoping you like this.
The lush green grass is soft under his soles, bearing his weight then releasing it. Droplets of dew that continue to fall on the blades get kicked up with each step, scattering across his shoes, and up his pant legs. It is still dark, the sun's first rays puncturing the horizon in the distance. He is a shadow among shadows.
The rain continues to fall steadily, beads of water falling off his shoulders, and down the tendrils of his silver hair. In his right hand he cradles a stem, kept close to his body as to avoid the downpour. A deep shade of maroon nestled next to brown. He carries it gently, with the uttermost care. Protecting, but not crushing.
Through the screen of falling water he sees his destination, and steels himself for the last steps knowing they will be the hardest. This is his first time here alone, away from the sobs of those dressed in black and the looks of sympathy and anger cast his way. He had not shed a tear, his expression stony. Her family had stared, enraged at his lack of emotion for their angel. Those close to him knew he was weeping for her. Knew he blamed himself every moment he took a breath, while she didn't. They knew a part of him had died when the sickening sound of metal against bone permeated through the night.
His eyes are unfocused as he nears her grave, walking on without control. It isn't long before he finds his shoes near the foot of her grave. He hesitates a moment before taking his final steps. He stands; shoulders hunched as he looks down from her headstone to her grave and envisions her, eyes closed skin cold and can't help but see himself lying there next to her. His eyes stray back to her headstone and he stares at the engravings, burning the image to memory.
"Beloved daughter and sister"
He shakes his head in disgust, anger welling up in him as he thinks of all she missed out on. She'll never get recognised as a wife and mother, something he realises most probably would have happened if he never recruited her in the first place.
As he gazes at those four words, he curses himself for seeing something special in her, that he couldn't resist. For selfishly jumping at the chance of staying in contact with her without overstepping the boundary between professionalism and primal want. But most of all he curses himself for being a coward.
The times when he would stay outside her window watching her, seem like a past life. The chances he had to make a move, to be less Gibbs-like, were plentiful, yet he let them slip easily through his fingers, finding comfort in his knowledge that there was always tomorrow. What he would give to be given another chance.
As the rain continues to beat down on him he looks away to stare at his shoes ashamedly. Regarding every droplet as a constant reminder that he stands, breathing, while she rests below him. He feels it's his fault and no one can tell him otherwise. The blame rests at his feet and he accepts it, both hands held out. There is a part of him that whispers that he couldn't do anything, that he's only human, that it wasn't his fault, yet he disregards it as he would the sawdust on his basement floor. Just as credit is given where it is due, the same is said for blame.
His legs feel weak under him, and he falls to his knees, one hand gripping the textured grass, his head bent. Water spreads up his pants, through to his skin and he feels a light chill run through his body. As he once again looks up at her headstone, he feels the need to say something. And as pitiful as it will sound to his ears, he knows that he needs to say it, as much as he feels she needs to hear it. His numb lips open and he murmurs, "I'm sorry Katie. I'm so sorry." And as the words leave his mouth anguish washes over him as he recalls the first time he told her his Rule 4- "Never say you're sorry." He finds it ironic that his life will now be full of apologises that in his mind, will never be accepted.
A single tear escapes from the side of his eye, and he squeezes both tightly shut, teeth clenched. He hasn't cried in years, and he won't start again now. She wouldn't want him to change his ways. She would want him to be strong, for himself and all those around him and he wasn't about to disappoint her again.
He stands to his feet. His hands are numb, and he suddenly remembers the single rose he brought her. Holding it in one hand, he fingers the delicate petals, flicking the droplets of water that managed to fall on the silky surface. He regards it critically, observing any imperfections, before placing a soft kiss onto the petals and moving forward to place it gently to rest on top of her headstone. He runs his hand lightly over her name before turning away and walking back the way he came, vowing that he will continue to watch out for her, though this time he will do it by her side.
END
AN2: Done and I'm really hoping it lived up to its predecessor. If you could review and let me know your opinions it will be helpful.
I've been thinking that since I took so long to do a sequel I would do two alternative endings to Tomorrows to sort of make up for my extended absence. This is the first of those sequels. It's only an idea but I would be grateful if you could let me know if I should just leave it as it is or go ahead with my plan.
Special Thanks: I would like to thank the following people for helping me reach my first double figure review tally by leaving a comment for Tomorrows- orangeangel, Zeki Young, iceicekatie, Navy Babe, Pen, jtbwriter, CK, LadyMarmalade282, Samantha, Kate, Milouze, Gaylehill-crusader and B.C. Thank you so much guys. I appreciate it immensely.