Dudley Dursley and the Gross Abnormality
DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE GROSS ABNORMALITY
-1-
-A Problem-
Dudley Dursley had a problem. His problem was a
large one, but there could have been worse. At least his fifteen years
at number four, Privet Drive, had been comfortable. Except for having his
annoying cousin Harry around- although it was quite fun to taunt the smaller
boy, or even get in a kick now and again. No, Dudley's life was excellent,
except for one small thing.
He was terribly, horribly, rottenly, fat.
And not your average heavyweight, either. It had
been proven by his own mother that Dudley could eat so much that regular
men would have burst five times over with his sort of diet. Until now,
Dudley had always thought his weight an excellent way to convince others
to join him. 'Join or be squished', and the like.
This had changed not one week before these ponderings
hit Dudley's brain. A normal boy would have thought these up at the time;
but Dudley was, unfortunately, a bit slow in the head. That was more than
made up for in largeness, however, his ever-abundant weapon.
Cousin Harry, whose parents were killed thirteen
years ago, had been home for the summer. 'His lot', as Dudley's mother
said, didn't deserve to be in the house, but what could you do when his
murdering godfather was angry and on the loose? So Harry had brought over
his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.
It was Hermione that Dudley noticed first. She was
his exact opposite: a tall, good-looking, smart, and outspoken brunette.
Dudley's short, fat, stupid, limited vocabulary wasn't sure what to think
of her at first. She was part of 'that lot', but her parents were perfectly
normal, and so Dudley thoroughly approved of the girl.
When Dudley took to being kind to her, however,
that overprotective thing Weasley had taken out his wand and pointed
it directly at the fat boy, who for once in his life didn't quite deserve
what he was about to get. Dudley had no time for a shriek when the Weasley
shot some yellow sparks at Dudley, which turned his skin, hair, and nails
a vivid pink.
Mother had spent a full four days scrubbing at her
son's face in an effort to get the offending color off. In the end she
succeeded, if you call rubbing off most of Dudley's skin and being yelled
at for attempting to scrub certain places succeeding.
Hermione hadn't laughed at this; she had given a
stern lecture to both Weasley and Cousin Harry. Dudley had been very pleased
and the thought of losing weight had begun to form then and there. Something
the boy did not know was that his very own crush, Hermione Granger, had
been lecturing about breaking magical rules and not hurting Dudley, but
he couldn't know that when his ears were full of soap and water four days
straight.
One week later, Dudley's grand idea for a go at
dieting struck. It would not be his first diet, although it would be the
first time he agreed wholeheartedly. The subject would have to be brought
up at a good time, however; Cousin Harry and his Weasley friend need not
know about anything Dudley did in his personal life.
-The Eye Of The Beholder Has Been Temporarily
Blinded-
Petunia Dursley was overjoyed when her son spoke
to her about going on a diet. For one thing, the refrigerator certainly
needed some time off; another thing was that it was awful to have something
so bloated call her 'Mother'.
Being a mother-type, however, Petunia treated her
son as though he were two years old. In her mindset, if he was young, then
it was all perhaps some baby fat that hadn't quite worn off as of yet.
But it would soon. "Oh, Dinky Duddykins, you don't need to lose any weight-
you're perfect!" she squealed.
'Dinky Duddykins' would have none of this. After
a fair amount of kicking and screaming (mostly from Dudley himself) Mother
Petunia and Father Vernon set about to underfeeding their son. Vernon protested
vehemently at first but gave up when he couldn't voice his fear: if Dudley
indeed became smaller, then he, Vernon, would look horribly overweight
next to a small son. And Vernon Dursley looking overweight would not bear
well with his drilling company customers.
A week and six days after Dudley's idea first began
forming, he was set on a strict diet.
And hated every moment. It was vicious; watching
Cousin Harry gulp down tarts while staying thin as ever. Once glance at
Hermione, though, and Dudley was nearly convinced of doing the right thing.
Nearly.
His first test came not very long into the diet.
Weasel, as Dudley had heard Cousin Harry call his friend once (while doing
an impression of some boy that Dudley thought had very good taste), was
called away for a couple days because his mum was sick. As soon as Hermione
wasn't around, Dudley laughed at the weasel's tears until Cousin Harry
gave Dudley a good punch in the face.
Once Mother Petunia had given Harry a reprimand
(all she could do, thank to that stupid murdering godfather), Dudley set
about going for walks around the same time that Hermione did. He would
leave the house early in the morning dressed in fashionable sweatpants,
then wait behind a group of trees for Hermione to appear. She would walk
around and do some sight-seeing before Dudley chose to jog up beside her
and start talking. Hermione was much to polite to refuse to talk to the
boy (although she said some very nasty things behind Dudley's back that
he would never know about) and was therefore forced into a half-hour's
worth of conversation each day.
Nasty Cousin Harry's birthday approached more quickly
than Dudley would have liked. Actually, if Dudley had had his way, that
cousin would never have had any birthdays at all.
At six in the morning, a hundred owls came pelting
down the fireplace, through the door (which they somehow managed to unlock),
and even through Dudley's window. he hooting woke him up and caused the
boy to jump, screaming at the top of his lungs, out of bed. He hid in the
closet and dressed, then bolted out of his room straight into Hermione,
who had heard the yelling.
'What happened?' she asked, a tone of laughter in
her voice that Dudley mistook for anger.
'T-t-they attacked me,' Dudley sobbed pitifully.
He had received numerous cuts on his arms while jogging and showed these
to the girl. 'Ripped into me while I was doing homework, I never saw anything
coming ... '
Due to a complete lack of sleep and rationalisation
(she kept hearing clicking noises which she thought to be insects but was
actually Dudley and his spy camera underneath the door), Hermione believed
this story. She stormed down to Harry's room and banged on the door until
he opened it sleepily.
'Harry, he might not deserve complete kindness,
but really, attack owls? I hope Ron comes back soon to knock some sense
into you. Even Fred and George wouldn't have done this.'
Cousin Harry opened his mouth (to say that actually
Fred and George had once done worse) but Dudley appeared behind Hermione,
who suggested she be allowed to practice her medicine skills on his arm.
Dudley stuck his tongue out over Hermione's retreating back, which made
Cousin Harry grab his wand and point it threateningly at his cousin.
Dudley yelped and scarpered.
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Right, end part one. I'd love to have some opinions, as in, should I
continue this? Thought it up during Social... that might explain the insanity
level.
-Cy
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