Fandom: Rookie Blue
Pairing: Sam/Andy; implied Luke/Andy
Category: Unrequited love, romance
Rating: K+
ONE-SHOT
Disclaimer: Sam Swarek isn't mine, neither is Luke Callaghan, unfortunately. No copyright infringement is intended.
Synopsis: She was the scar that silence had carved on him, and she would always remain with him. She would never go away. Spoilers for 2x03 "Bad Moon Rising"
Author's Note: I recently got into Rookie Blue, and it's been such a great ride so far! This is my first Rookie Blue fic, so go gentle please. Title is from "Gravity" by singer-songwriter Vienna Teng. It's a brilliant song, go take a listen. You won't regret it.
Hey love, I am a constant satellite of your blazing sun;
my love, I obey your law of gravity;
this is the fate you've carved on me.
~ Vienna Teng, Gravity ~
There are times when life deals you a blow so hard that it makes it difficult to breathe, difficult to lift your head above the water, difficult to keep ploughing through the madness that seems to have sucked you under.
This was Sam Swarek's time.
The news had been announced, cloaked in a veneer of optimism, happiness, unadulterated joy, but for that brief second, instead of rejoicing as he knew he should, he felt his world crashing down on him.
This was his drowning moment. He felt the air being choked in his throat, his airway refusing to expel any breaths and he struggled to stop his world from spinning.
She was engaged.
A step closer to marriage; a step further away from him.
He had always known that she was out of his reach, out of his league. When he first met her, he could smell her hesitation and her fear in that tiny apartment room. When she tackled him to the ground, all he could smell was her faint perfume. He had known, from the moment she handcuffed him, that she was of a different breed.
He should have stayed far away.
Against instinct, he had taken one step after another towards her. He hadn't stopped to think, hadn't stopped to consider the consequences – to him, or to her – but he had kept on walking. Into her light, into her warmth, into her beautiful smiles, right onto the path of eternal damnation that seemed hell-bent on making sure he knew he was making a mistake.
Plus, there was the tiny fact that he was her training officer. It was the greatest impediment, and he should have grabbed the obstacle with both hands, should have let it continue standing in their way, should have taken it as a sign when they were paired together that he should back away, but he didn't.
And now, it wasn't the case anymore. She was off rookie probation, she was a full-fledged cop, and she was fair game. It shouldn't be hanging over their heads, but yet it did. It still did. He suspected that their T.O.-rookie relationship would always overshadow any relationship they would ever have.
He was her T.O. and he would always be just that to her. Nothing more, nothing less.
But he couldn't make himself stay away, no matter how much he tried. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame; his dark and dirty past attracted to the innocence that seemed to radiate from her. He needed her presence beside him like he needed air itself; it was undeniable, but he never told her.
He came close once; under the cover of darkness, where his blackened soul lurked, he nearly told her. Nearly said the words he wanted – no, needed – desperately to say, but even then, he held himself back.
He had thought that actions would be enough, that she would somehow figure it out on her own, smart girl that she was. But he was wrong. Each day passed without him saying anything, and another day passed without her acknowledging anything.
And now, his silence was strangling him.
Callaghan had beaten him to the punch, because Callaghan didn't seem to have much trouble with words. Especially with the words she needed to hear. He supposed that it was useless to blame the man.
After all, he was the one who choked on the words; he was the one who never quite knew what to say. He was the one who fumbled with words and hid behind lame jokes to smooth over the bubbling tension that always seem to rise up between them.
But now… now was the time to change all that.
Now was the time he needed to say the words she needed to hear. Now was the time that he had to say the words he didn't want to say, had never dreamt he would ever say, had never imagined he would ever have to say.
Slowly, but surely, as he made his way over to her, he clamped down on his accelerating heartbeat, the treacherous response to her nearness.
He opened his mouth, barely hearing himself congratulating her on the engagement, and suddenly he couldn't get out of there fast enough. He saw the smile ghost over those lips that tormented his nights, and he knew then, what his silence had cost him.
Her.
She was the scar that silence had carved on him, and she would always remain with him. She would never go away. She was his rookie, his partner, his center, his life; but he had thrown it all away.
It was the fate she carved on him, and now he had to let her go.