THIS IS CRACK.
Once upon a time, in an organization called the Akatsuki, there was a cannibal men, named Zetsu.
He had two sides to himself. One that was White, he was the more rational of the two, and the bad side; Black.
Well one day, they were arguing about how to relive the sexual tension they both felt.
"No one wants me Zetsu! We are cannibalistic, and if I mate with myself, I'll eat my head."
"That isn't true, Zetsu."
"Then prove it to me."
"I can't," Zetsu cried.
"What can't you do?!" replied Tobi; the orange masked male of the Akatsuki.
"Oh nothing," Zetsu replied.
"Oh. Okay then. I'm going to the store to buy some cheese; do you need anything?"
"No, we are fine."
"Okay, I'll be back in thirty minutes."
"Take your time."
"Oh, I will."
"Goodbye," Zetsu called after Tobi.
After Tobi's footsteps were gone, Zetsu locked the door.
"Now, we can experiment, Zetsu."
"Experiment? What ever could you mean?"
"I've always had this theory that if I could end up folding my body together, I could fuck myself."
"I might sound stupid, but I know I'm not."
"No one in the possible history of the world can do that."
"That's because no one else in the world is split right down the middle."
"Zetsu, Masturbation can be a sensible solution."
"But Zetsu! I want me!"
"Uh. Okay. We can try."
--
After about ten minutes of trying to fold himself into two, the black Zetsu ended up on top of white Zetsu.
"Okay Zetsu, I got me this far. Now lick my fingers."
Zetsu did as he was told.
Zetsu bent his arm down toward his ass, and pushed his fingers in.
"Ah! I hurt myself!"
"It's okay Zetsu, I'm here for me."
He tried once again, feeling the pain ebb away, slowly pulling a moan from himself.
"Z ..Zetsu...,"
"Don't stop me."
"I wont Zetsu, I'm no where near done yet."
This motion, seemed to interest Zetsu's vines.
The vines ran down Zetsu's stomach, towards Zetsu's more private area.
The vine took place of Zetsu's fingers, taking a harder, more rapid pace inside of his ass.
Another vine slithered down his body, took hold of his ding, and started pumping it.
"Ah, ...Zetsu. I feel so good."
"I ..Told.. Ah... me," Zetsu panted. "That I would... nnn..t eat my head..."
"Zetsu! I'm close!"
At this point, The Venus flytrap above his head began to vibrate.
All of a sudden, the doorknob clicked.
Zetsu was to far gone to notice.
Tobi stood at the doorway, letting out a startled squeal at the scene before him.
"Uh. Zetsu-san?!"
"Tobi?!"
"Zetsu-san! Zetsu-san! What are you doing?!"
"Not having sexual relations with that woman."
Zetsu stared at Zetsu.
"Hey Tobi.."
"Zetsu-san?"
"Where's the cheese?"
I warned you.
All the crack you could possibly need in your lifetime routine.
THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME.
Ahem. It was written by my –censored- sister, who knows nothing about Naruto, or the Akatsuki.
(: