Sam can smell the sex on him from the moment that Dean walks through the motel door. Sex and alcohol. He represses a sigh, not willing to give up the facade. Dean knows he's awake. He knows Dean knows, too. But it's better if they both pretend.
Usually it is, anyway.
Tonight, though, Dean sits down on the edge of Sam's bed, involuntarily shifting slightly towards him when their dips in the mattress join. "Sammy?" Dean's voice is raw. Pained, almost.
Sam hesitates and then finally asks, "Yeah?"
"You think you really would'a married her? Jess? Settled down, had kids, the whole nine?"
Sam is so taken aback by his brother bringing up Jessica that he can't respond for a few moments, Dean shifting his weight breaking the hold. "Uh... I mean, yeah, I guess. I was planning on proposing, so..."
Dean drops his face into his hands, shaking his head. "Y'nung i' w' m' f't."
Sam reaches up, tugging dean's hands away from his mouth. "What?"
Dean attempts to exhale, but it comes out more like a sob. "It was my fault. If I hadn't dragged you away from her..." He pauses, studying the carpet and picking at his fingernails. "But I did. And now there's nothing I can do to take it back or change it. I fucked up everything for you, Sammy. Everything. You were gonna have a life. A girl. Maybe rugrats, one day, and I was too goddamn selfish to let you have any of it. I'm so-"
"Don't." Sam interrupts. "Don't you dare do this to yourself. None of it was your fault, you hear me? If been having dreams about Jess for weeks before it happened. You know that. And as far as having a life goes, I'm guessing you're referring to school. But that's the thing. I didn't have to leave with you that night, but I did. And it wasn't just because you asked, or even because Dad was missing. All the arguing and disagreeing with you was just a show. From the second you pinned me down to the floor of that apartment, I knew I might as well just kiss Stanford and Jessica goodbye. I came with to because I missed you, Dean. And I was too much of a coward to just admit that to myself and go find you. After I saw you that night, though… I knew there was no way in hell I could let you leave without me. When you took me back to school, I didn't know what the hell I was thinking letting you go again. It was almost like my college persona separated itself from the rest of me and forced me to stick to what it thought was important. I was still in there, though, scratching at the walls and begging you from the inside not to let me go. When the fire started, the first thing I thought was that I'd known it was gonna happen. That I could've saved her. But then I had this moment of clarity, like… like I somehow knew that no matter what I'd done, I couldn't have stopped it. And the next thought I had was that after seeing her, the girl who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, die like that, I could never go back to that place again. But at least I would be with you. Which, I never stopped knowing, was where I belonged. Still is. So, no, maybe I don't have Jess and Stanford anymore, but I still have this. I have you. And from the second I was born to right now, you've been the single most important thing in my life. That'll never change."
Dean looks back at Sam like he's lost all hope of ever being good enough and thinks maybe he can find it in a pair of hazel eyes that shine like stars in the dark.