Dumbledore: Let me use this fancy flame thingy that muggles use in the opposite way.
McGonagall: Albus, do you think it is wise, it being so dark, and leaving Harry in this snobbish and un-symbolized household?
Dumbledore: Yes, sherbet lemon?
Hagrid: Don't mind my unexplainable loud entrance. Does anyone have a razor?
Dumbledore: Just hand over the kid, lard.
McGonagall: Is it really necessary to have his name written in the sky for the whole country to see?
Dumbledore: Who knows, that's the special effects guy's job.
10 YEARS LATER
Aunt Petunia: Wow, this cupboard is fun to bang against to make my ungrateful nephew wake up!
Harry: Oh, look, its raining saw dust. I wonder when he'll finally break through the stairs and come crashing down on me.
Dudley: Let me waddle down the stairs, and after begging my cousin to get out of bed, push him back into the oddly shaped door that is where he comes out.
Harry: How painful it is in this snobbish and un-symbolized household.
Petunia: Just cook the pheasant and try to kill yourself.
Harry: Yes Aunt Evil-witted-son-of-a-witch!
Vernon: Hurry and drink my scalding hot coffee boy!
Harry: Wow, caffeine really is as effective as everyone says it is!
Dudley: Watch me be ungrateful for the presents I received from my parents' retirement funds or my college funds.
Vernon: Time to get in the car and go to the zoo for a kid's 11 year old birthday party even though an amusement park would be more expensive and snobbish.
Harry: Next time try shutting the door when I'm in the car.
Dudley: Look, a snake. Boy, I wish I could be that thin!
Harry: Sometimes I wish glass would disappear just because I fell to the ground
Dudley: Whoa, I fell in the snake thing after the glass disappeared, even though I had plenty of time to regain my balance.
Harry: I can speak a language that really doesn't exist.
Dudley: Wow, if I didn't know better, I'd say the glass reappeared by magic!
Vernon: Even though I don't want to believe, I'd have to agree, meaning I need to punish Harry for something he didn't do purposely.
Harry: Oh, look, a letter came through the mailbox for me! Better walk into the kitchen so Uncle Vernon can see it and thicken the plot!
Vernon: Watch me burn letters and board up mailboxes to thicken the plot.
Harry: I wonder if the house always shakes like this on Sundays, or if that's just over half a million letters flying down the chimney.
Vernon: I should just shout at Harry and hope he listens.
Harry: Instead of running upstairs and locking myself in the bathroom, I will fumble with my cupboard lock that I can't even lock from the inside, and let Vernon grab me.
Vernon: Maybe if we wade out to a small cabin in the middle of the ocean we will be safe.
Harry: All I want for Christmas is…oops, wrong thing
Hagrid: BOOM BOOM BOOM CRASH!
Harry: What a nice surprise, a giant coming to take me away on a long journey. That's a good present.
Dudley: While the fat dude argues with my dad…
Hagrid: NO, I need to lose more weight, and don't insult Albus Dumbledore…
I'll just sneak away with the cake that he never gave Harry in this form of the movie and eat it with my butt sticking right at him
Hagrid: Oh, how lucky, a person eating a nonexistent cake. I should make him grow a pig tail!
Harry: Hey, my letter. I've just noticed it, even though Hagrid supposedly gave it to me minutes ago.
Hagrid: While the raisins scream in the other room, let me tear this door down and we'll leave.
Harry: I'm still wondering how we got off the island.
Hagrid: Even though I've been here for myself, you'll need to read me that list.
Harry: I need a stick that has some sort of hair or bloody thing inside it that is polished much too much.
Hagrid: First we need to get your oversized money out of Gingotts.
Harry: Why do the goblins hate me?
Goblins: We hate everyone and everything!
Harry: Let's go on a ride down to my vault, then to a secret vault that is a big plot thickener but is only mentioned five or less times in the whole book.
Hagrid: Harry, I could care less if you told the world about this ruby with the white sides on it. Just don't tell them that I like fluffy ponies.
Harry: now that I have all my things you need to bring me to the train.
Hagrid: Here take this ticket and I will magically disappear as you read it.
Harry: Hey, you, the fat one with red hair! Will you show me how to get onto the platform?
Molly: Just run at the wall, and if you're lucky, you won't break anything!
Ginny: I have a big part in the next movie, but for now I'm just going to say good luck and dream about us making out.
Ron: Can I sit with you.
Harry: I can smell the smell of friendship, and symbolism together, and it smells rather good.
Ron: No, that's just my pet rat.
Scabbers: I may not seem evil, but I really am.
Hermione: Being the genius and helpful person I am, I'm looking for a frog. I'll take a break so I can show you that I knew you would take my smarts the wrong way and think that I'm snobbish and un-symbolic. Even so I will fix your glasses AND make the tape disappear with one spell.
Ron: That's amazing, but at least I have a pronounceable name!
Hermione: Now, just to make all the fans think I like Ron, I will tell him to wipe his nose, then swing my hair and leave.
Harry: Wow, she's amazing!
Ron: Look, an extremely large person!
Harry: Dudley came too!
Hagrid: First years, follow me, and smile. We're going to be on a poster!
Hermione: Look at the unreasonably large castle. I wonder if half of its even used.
To be continued…Maybe