Yes, I finally got around to writing a Murtagh/Nasuada centered fic! This is a sequel to my other fanfiction, Traveling Soldier , and takes place in the months after Murtagh's death. Murtagh fans are going to hate me, but it hurt me to write about his death more then it will hurt you to read about it. Rated 'T' for...well, it's just rated 'T'. Please enjoy.
Weather man says
It's gonna snow.
By now I should
Be used to the cold.
Snowflakes fell in large, lazy bundles outside her window. An uneasy quiet had settled over the house, leaving a feeling vulnerability. Nasuada found herself glad that for once the weather was imitating her mood-cold and distant and vulnerable.
That's how it had been for the last four months. Had it really been that long? The wounds that Murtagh's death had caused felt just as painful as they had been when she had first heard about his fate. And still she was forced to get up, force a smile, pretend to have some semblance of a life and act like the thought of going through life alone didn't terrify her.
Mid-February shouldn't
Be so scary. It was only
December, and I still remember
The presents, the tree, you
And me.
At least the initial shock had worn off after Christmas. They had yet to find his body, which Nasuada had used as proof that he could still be alive. He might be in a P.O.W camp, or perhaps he was on the run, but as long as they couldn't find the body, Murtagh was still alive and he would find his way home. Nasuada had done such a wonderful job convincing herself of this that she had half expected Murtagh to show up on her parents' doorstep. He would flash them that charming half-smile of his and apologize for being late to Christmas dinner.
But of course he didn't appear for Christmas. Nor did he show on New Years. Instead she had received a notification that they had identified Murtagh's body and that his burial would be in two weeks.
But you went away.
How dare you?
I miss you.
It had been a lovely funeral. Not that she could remember much of it. She remembered her friends and family being there for moral support. She even remembered a few of Murtgh's army buddies offering their condolences. The most comforting had been a man named Thorn.
"He really cared about you," Thorn had said to her after the funeral was over and everyone had met back at the church. "He would have given anything to see you again, and he would have wanted you to be happy." He handed her a letter, saying that Murtagh had meant to send it, but had never had the time. She took it and thanked him, wondering all the while how he could think she would possibly be happy again.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to
Ever get over you.
Living alone, here
In this place. I think of you
And I'm not afraid.
Of course her friends had tried to help her after they had heard the news. Even Orrin, the boy who had bullied her throughout elementary and middle school, had expressed his condolences. Yet even with their support she still felt alone. If people had left her be and minded their own business perhaps she could have managed better, but how did they expect her to function when they were all staring at her with pity filled eyes?
The loneliness stopped when she thought of Murtagh though. The relief would last only for a few moments before she remembered what she had lost, but those few moments were enough for her to collect herself and act as though she had a shred of dignity left. In an odd way thinking of Murtagh was the only way she could cope with his death.
Your favorite records
Make me feel better. You
Sing along with every song.
Nasuada also found herself buying the records of artists that he had liked. She could only marvel at some them- how Murtagh ever could have listened to the Rolling Stones she would never know- but she bought the albums anyway. She almost swore she could hear Murtagh singing along while she listened, which made her wonder if she was slowly going mad. She decided it didn't matter if she was; at least she could hear his voice.
I know you didn't mean
To give in, to leave.
But you went away. How
Dare you? I miss you. They
Say I'll be okay, but I'm
Not going to ever get
Over you.
Sometimes she couldn't help but be angry with him. It was stupid, he was far beyond fearing her wrath,but the anger was still there. She almost felt as if he had lied to her. He had promised that he'd be safe; he had said he'd be home in no time at all. He had even proposed for God's sake . But yet here she was alone, wishing something had gone differently.
It really sinks in, you know
When I see it in stone.
She didn't know why she still visited the grave. The funeral had been over a month ago, and she knew she shouldn't torture herself like she did. But visiting him helped Nasuada talk about what she had lost. Her parents didn't understand what she was going through, nor did her friends. At least Murtagh had lost something too, even if he weren't around to talk about it.
Nasuada knew she looked insane to other visitors. If she saw someone talking to a gravestone, she probably would have thought they were crazy too. The threat of being shipped to an asylum aside, she had to many things to talk about to just stand there in silence.
"You wouldn't believe the rumors going around," she said with a small laugh. "One person asked if we had eloped during your leave, and someone else accused me of being pregnant. I don't look it do I?" She looked down at her stomach with mock concern. She was almost certain she could hear Murtagh laugh.
Nasuada grew more serious and said, "I wish you were here." Her voice dropped into a whisper as she continued. "What am I supposed to do without you? Did you even think about me before you went charging off into battle?" After a moments pause she added, "I'm sorry, that was a cruel thing for me to say- I know you couldn't help it." She knelt down so that his name was at eyelevel.
She opened her mouth to speak, only to find she had nothing more to say. So instead she sat in silence, soaking in the peace and quiet that she was denied so often these days. She wasn't sure how long she was there-a second? An hour? All she knew was that too soon she was standing to leave.
"I'll visit you again soon," She said, casting one last glance at his headstone. She reached and touched his name before turning and heading back home. She was faintly surprised to notice that it had stopped snowing, and that she didn't feel so cold.
Cause you went
Away, how dare you
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to
Every get
Over you.
I hope that you enjoyed this, and please reveiw.