HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO
Holding On and Letting Go - Ross Copperman
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go
"No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories."
― Haruki Murakami
A/N: To the Stefan fans who have hounded me for months for me to stop with the Stefan one shots and do a story.
Standing in the darkness with the heated glow from the fireplace, left me feeling cold and empty. I could only watch as the flames lick at the laminated Cathedral image in the postcard. It remained on the charcoal and the edges began to curl, revealing the perfected script on the back. Her signature was in a bright red but my fixated stare trailed as it burned further.
Without knowing what I was doing, I whipped my hand out and hissed through clenched teeth as I grabbed hold of what was left of postcard.
The fires crackled again, echoing through the room and into the empty house. It reminded me that I was alone once again and the reminder brought back the memories. All which reeled back feelings of loss as the images of two of the most important people in my life flashed through my mind. Once I realised that they were gone and I was alone again, I stumbled away from the fireplace. My form slumping down onto the armchair
When I reached for the glass filled with the contents from the blood bag, I paused at the sight of the journal. The crinkled pages on display as it had been left open for the past two to three weeks. It had simply been collecting dust as I could no longer write. Well I couldn't find anything new to write. It was all very repetitive and dreary so I decided not to trouble myself.
Every writer needed a muse and mine was Caroline.
For the last year, I had been miserable and stubborn but she never gave up. Every day before school or her weekend meetings, she would drop by. Sometimes she would even make time before dinner to come by. I joked that she was making sure I hadn't killed myself but with the falsified smile, I realise that she might actually believe that.
Anyway, it was this afternoon that it struck me, a year had passed. Only this dawned onto me with the arrival of the postcard. It wasn't her first and I doubted it would be her last.
A month after she had left, she began to send postcards and one came every fortnight.
Today, I counted and I found 26 in the pile on the coffee table. 27 when counting the one that arrived today. This meant that 27 fortnights had passed...54 weeks...378 days. One year, one week and six days.
She had been travelling around the world, having the time of her life and taking two minutes if her days to buy a postcard and write two sentences before signing it off with a simple kiss. All the whole, I had been in the same house, having her best friend refill my mini fridge as I fought against letting her go. I'd found myself counting on those postcards; counting on hearing from her. It was all I had left.
Slowly unravelling my clenched fist, I sighed at the sight of the crumpled and charred edged postcard.
He had left too...
We're they together? What would I do if they were? What could I do?
My phone suddenly buzzed and I used the other hand to open the message. Finally I broke the gaze and whipped to read the text which I knew was from Caroline;
DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAG YOU DOWN HERE? YOU KNOW I WILL.
- C.
Scoffing and smiling at her persistence, I sighed and took a glance at the journal and then darted to the postcard. This continued for a few more seconds before I stuffed the card in my pocket and grabbed the keys.
Hopefully, I would write something new tonight.
-xxxxx-
When I arrived at the Mystic Grill, I perused the room until my peripheral vision caught the blonde jumping up and down at the back.
Apparently, she was having a small get together. I assumed that this would conclude of Bonnie, Matt, Jeremy and Tyler.
There was one good thing from this and that was the lack of Originals wandering the streets. Their departure gave the town some peace and stability. I could sense it with how the townspeople had all gathered here.
Maybe it was the distance and time I had spent apart from contact with others but I was sure there was a difference. It was almost tangible in the atmosphere as they ate and conversed. Seeing them return to their normal lives with the fear dissipating, I was given the courage needed to not turn back around and leave.
"Stefan!"
I snapped my head up to watch her wave me over.
Several people had turned in speculation at her loud outburst. They would then follow her line of sight and surprise flickered when they realised I was recognisable. A few greeted me and I could see the pressing questions I ether eyes so I pushed through the crowd and hastily made my way towards Caroline.
"You came" she beamed and then embraced me with a bubbled giggle. Slowly and with great reluctance, she unwound her hands from me and laughed again. Seeing her this happy almost made it worthwhile. I hated being a burden to her or having her constantly worry over me, rather than relishing on the fact that she was free from Klaus.
"I came" I repeated and even cracked a small smile.
Hers widened with my attempt. "Maybe now you can come back to high school?"she asked hopefully and I tried not to flinch at the suggestion but still, she had been able to read me. "One step right?" she questioned and I nodded in approval.
"Right" I agreed and was grateful for her understanding. Maybe it was the fact that I had left the house that gave her hope.
Only this dulled when my gaze shifted to the empty booty. My only assurance were the four glasses and four plates set out. Four menus beside each setting.
"Hey babe"
I whipped around to look at the person who had now joined us. "Tyler?" I asked and my eyes darted between him and Caroline.
"Stefan?"he asked and I worried that his jealousy would flare again. Thankfully, he simply placed a hand on my shoulder and laughed pleasantly. "Nice to see you man" he seemed to also be congratulating me and I felt like some kind of mental patient.
I grinned again and the strange gesture ached. "You too" I answered and wondered why he was so surprised. It meant that he wasn't the one to be joining us because he hadn't even expected me to be here.
"Where is she?" I looked up to watch as Caroline whispered to him. A method that was clearly useless and I wondered why she even went through the trouble.
Was she talking about Bonnie?
Tyler remained clueless with what she was doing because he didn't even bother to reply in a whisper. "Parking her bike"'he answered and frowned when she reprimanded him.
"What is going on?" I asked.
After silent deliberation, she bowed her head and exhaled deeply. She then brought her head up again and reluctantly met my gaze as she sighed."My cousin's in town" Caroline finally confessed.
"Okay...why didn't you tell me before?" I shrugged, not understanding why the simple fact had to be a secret.
"Because..." she trailed off and failed to finished her sentence as something caught her eye. "Me and Tyler are going to ask for a bigger table" she announced and before I could protest, she had disappeared from my sight.
When I reached down to sit, I stopped when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Only when I spun around, I finally understood why Caroline had kept this a secret.
"Stefan, I'm guessing" she spoke and her lightened tone brought a glimmer of light that brightened her chocolate brown eyes; secrets just seemed to overflow them and I was intrigued. They were a shade lighter than her mahogany tresses which I found had burgundy highlights through them.
Her face was unknown and I tried to remain polite. "She told you about me?" I wondered.
"Non-stop" the girl rolled her eyes and ran her fingers through her darkened locks, messing them up more. "Stefan is such a great guy...he's so sweet and sensitive. Qualities that not many men can bode" she quoted and then realised she was rambling. When she peeked up at me from under her thick lashes, she bit down on her bottom lip in an almost adorable manner. Then, her cheeks flushed a delicious pink. The colour tainting her soft pearly white skin then reminded me of the blood rushing through her. Her scent...sweet and her fragrance was strawberry and hinted with freesias.
Once I swallowed down the hunger that arose, I cleared my throat and found the words. "Sorry to say this, but she never mentioned you" I apologised and caught how her eyebrows furrowed with an emotion that I couldn't comprehend. Suddenly, her forehead creased and I found myself compelled to appear her. "...but it is nice to meet you..."
She accepted the hand I offered with a pleasant grin. "Isabella but call me Bella" she warned playfully and I returned the smile. Like her cousin, she seems to harbour a warmth of friendliness.
I realised that I had been simply standing there with my hand in hers as I smiled in adoration. Pulling from the stupor, I glanced towards the bar. "Drink?" I offered.
"Sure" she nodded in agreement. "I'll need it if I'm going to keep up with Caroline" Isabella - well Bella teased and her voice was devoid of any venom. "I didn't remember her being this...much" she sighed and took a place in the booth.
"What would you like?"
She looked over the drinks list and seemed troubled over something. When she dropped the menu back on the table, she was decisive about something. "I'm not much of a drinker so anything would be fine" she answered and bit down on her lip nervously.
"What's your favourite fruit?" I decided to ask, rather than scaring her with something stronger.
She thought for a second and replied, "Strawberry"
"Fitting" I noted when her scent was once again overwhelming. The sweet aroma was so prominent and tangible that I could almost taste it.
She blinked up at me, dazed and perplexed. "What?"
"Nothing" I waved it off with a smile and hoped she would ignore my mistake.
"It's my shampoo" she suddenly revealed in that light cordial voice and I whipped up in confusion and dread.
Shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head, I braced one hand on the table and maintained nonchalance. "What is?" I continued the ploy, still unsure as to why she would say that. Maybe it was an innocent remark? Maybe it was just a question that s-
"I know about it all. I know about vampires" she confided and I froze, unsure about what to say. "Don't blame Caroline. I met some of my own back home" she whispered with an unmissable edge to her tone. Obviously that was another story that may explain one of her secrets. "But that is a conversation for another time" she sighed heavily, almost as if the burden was lifted.
I couldn't help but deny that I did feel more comfortable knowing that she knew but something about her brazen attitude irked me. "Then why bring it up?" I wondered, giving into the fact that I could no longer keep up with the charade. I was too tired anyway.
Her large doe like eyes met mine as she leaned back and smiled assuringly. "You seem slightly agitated" she surmised and I nodded in understanding and in gratitude. "I thought it would help" she phrased it as a question so I offered another nod.
After contemplating over her confession, I decided to redirect the conversation. "Strawberry cider okay?" I offered and she shrugged in response. The past three minutes now forgotten as we focused on a simple night with somewhat normal friends.
Thankfully she understood this as she fell back into the easy mood. "Sure. Thanks" her answering smile as wide and genuinely beamed with her happiness, giving light to her once marred features. I was stunned by the image and vexed by why that was.
Needing to clear my head, I strolled over to the bar. "What's your poison?" The bartender asked.
"Can I have a bourbon and a glass of strawberry cider?" I placed the order and realised that I had ordered his favourite drink. It wasn't like it mattered...
"5.40" he said and turned to start preparing ten order.
I nodded and reached into my pocket for the wallet. Only when I pulled my hand out it was the postcard left crumpled in my grasp. The card now seemed to burn into my hand as my breath hitched and I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to inhale deeply.
"Everything okay?"
I snapped my eyes open to the wary bartender and forced myself to nod. "Yes" I assured him but when he turned to tend to the drink, I called him back. "Could you..." I paused as the thought now became ridiculous.
"Yes?" he waited patiently.
"Can you..." Thus time when I paused, I glanced towards the booth where Caroline and Tyler had returned. In mid conversation, Is- Bella seemed to know that I was looking at her because she turned to me and offered another one of her heart-warming smiles. It was that simple gesture that I found the strength to turn back to him, "Please throw this away" I rasped and the second he took it from my hands, I felt something. I was surprised with the weight I hadn't realised I had been harbouring was lifted. Well just a piece of it but it was a start.
A/N: Happy now?
Did you like it? I kind of enjoyed writing Stefan.