CHAPTER ONE
Alexa Cousland woke from a restless sleep. Since defeating the Archdemon, she hadn't gotten a full night's rest. That must have been six months ago by now. Six months. Although she knew she hadn't been down here that long, time had a way of standing still in the Deep Roads. She looked over at her fellow companions; the Legion of the Dead. They were celebrating life as they always did right before venturing further into the Deep Roads to take on the darkspawn. They had been surprised when the Hero of Ferelden had asked to join their ranks and help them fight the endless swarms of darkspawn. But they gladly took her assistance. Alexa had been made an honorary Legionnaire, but being human, she could never truly be one of them. Although they tried to make her welcome, she kept to herself and camped away from them. She decided she never wanted to get close to anyone ever again.
She pulled her sword out of its scabbard and began to polish it. The sword was actually King Maric Theirin's legendary sword of dragonbone with glowing blue runes that cut through darkspawn as if they were butter. She had retrieved it from the ruins of Ostagar and had asked Alistair if he wanted it. He refused and said she should have it. He had taken Duncan's sword and dagger instead. He said those weapons meant more to him than a sword from a father he had never known.
Alistair. Her heart always twisted in pain when she thought of him. It should not have been him that struck the killing blow against the Archdemon; it should have been her. She constantly replayed those last days in her mind and was filled with heartbreak and regret. She should have accepted Morrigan's offer of the dark ritual; should have left Alistair at the gates of Denerim; should have done anything to stop him from killing the Archdemon. Ferelden had lost its King and she had lost the only man she had ever loved. She remembered arguing with him on top of Fort Drakon. Before she knew it, he had taken her in his arms, kissed her and then charged at the Archdemon. It seemed forever before the deed was done. After being knocked to the ground, she rose and ran towards Alistair's lifeless body and took him in her arms. Her cries of pain and sorrow were wrenching to those remaining. She refused to leave his body, her tears washing the grime from his handsome face. Her companions could do nothing to console her. It was Eamon Guerrin, the Arl of Redcliffe who came to her side, talking softly, gently. She finally allowed Alistair's body to be moved but only after Eamon agreed to arrange for an honor guard to take him to a private chamber in the castle. She insisted that she accompany him. In a few minutes, soldiers came to remove Alistair's body from the top of Fort Drakon with Alexa and Eamon in tow. Once Alistair was placed in his private chamber, Alexa kicked everyone out and locked the door. She stayed alone with Alistair for hours, not answering the occasional knocks on the door. Once she asked for a basin of water and a cloth so she could wash him. This she was given and then she locked the door. She gently took the wet cloth and cleaned his face, his hands, his body, crying until she had no more tears; begging his forgiveness for allowing him to die. It was her fault; it was all her fault.
She could hear the celebrations in the castle and in the streets at the ending of the Blight. It sounded odd to her ears. How could they celebrate? How could they be happy at the loss of their King? But she knew the people were not happy about that. They were thrilled to have the darkspawn defeated and Ferelden whole once again. But looking at the lifeless body of her friend, her lover, her betrothed, her King, she felt she would never be joyful again.
In the wee hours of the morning, the knocking came again. It was Eamon's voice calling to her, asking if she was okay. She wanted to respond of course she wasn't okay. Her life was over, but she couldn't get a word out. When she did not answer, he said someone wanted to see her. Unexpectedly she heard her brother Fergus' voice outside the door. She had been unaware that he had survived the war. He was asking to be let in. Alexa released Alistair's cold hand, placing her hand on the hilt of her dagger in case they tried to forcibly remove her from Alistair's side, then cautiously unlocked and opened the door. Only Fergus and Eamon were standing there.
"Little sister," Fergus said. "May I come in?"
Alexa stared at him, thinking. A moment had passed then she allowed him to enter. Once he was inside, she quickly closed and locked the door.
"Have you come to pay your respects?" she asked him.
"Yes and to see you," he replied quietly. "We are all worried about you." He saw her tear-stained face and her tired blue eyes. He also noted that she had not cleaned the blood and gore from her armor; only from her face and hands.
She retrieved a chair and placed it at Alistair's bedside next to her own. Fergus saw that Alexa had washed not only Alistair's body, but his armor as well. She had placed his hands to rest on his abdomen, his golden armor a stark contrast to his skin. Alexa took a seat and then grasped Alistair's hand in hers. She lovingly stroked the back of it, her eyes staring at his lifeless face.
"He looks very peaceful," Fergus said.
"Yes; yes he does."
"He made a great sacrifice for his people, as a King should do."
"I know. I keep trying to tell myself that, but at the moment I don't care. I want him here; alive; with me and I don't give a damn about Ferelden."
Fergus placed his arm around her. "Alexa, I know how you feel."
She turned to him, a stricken look on her face. "Oh, of course you do; Oren and Oriana. Fergus, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry for your loss. And I regret that I couldn't save them." She looked back at Alistair. "I can't save anyone," she said softly. "Father…Mother and Father…Oren and Oriana…Duncan…Alistair…I couldn't save any of them." Her tears began anew.
"Alexa, you have done so much good; you have saved so many."
"No one that I loved," she responded. To that Fergus had no answer.
"Come out of this room. Get some fresh air and a change of clothes."
She shook her head. "I can't leave him alone."
"We'll have two guards posted with him. Alistair will not be alone."
"We haven't been separated since we first met," she confessed. "I can't leave him now."
"Alistair wouldn't want you like this, Alexa. Come with me for a little while. We can return in a few hours."
Alexa thought about Fergus' words. Alistair wouldn't want her to be like this. "I do need to make arrangements to transport his body to Weisshaupt Fortress. He shall be laid to rest next to the other Grey Wardens that have made the same sacrifice in previous Blights."
"Yes," Fergus said.
"But I won't leave until the guards are posted," she stated adamantly.
"Agreed. Let me make the arrangements with Eamon," he promised. Fergus rose, unlocked the door and left the room. Alexa followed him, locking the door behind him, then returned to Alistair's side.
In fifteen minutes, Fergus knocked on the door. He had two guards with him. Alexa opened the door. Surprise registered on her features as she saw the guards. Zevran and Sten were standing behind Fergus. They both bowed their heads when she saw them.
"Will these guards do?" Fergus asked her.
She nodded and opened the door. Zevran and Sten each kissed her cheek which was an awkward display for Sten, but one he had agreed to do, walked over to Alistair's body and paid their respects, then took positions at the foot of the bed. Alexa felt better that friends were watching over Alistair instead of strangers. She smiled her thanks at them, then left with Fergus for a change of clothes and to arrange transportation of Alistair's body to Weisshaupt.
Alexa was given a room in the palace and she went there to bath, change and write the necessary letters for Alistair's funeral. The bath made her feel a little better, but when she started to put quill to paper her hand began to shake. Several times she stopped in mid-word because she could not continue writing, but then remembered how important these letters were. She finished them, each one stained with her tears. She sealed and stamped each with the Grey Warden emblem, then called for a courier to deliver them. She re-dressed in her Warden-Commander armor and was just about to return to Alistair when there was a knock on her door. She opened it and saw Anora standing there. That was the last person she wanted to see.
"My apologies for intruding upon you, but may I come in?" Anora asked.
Alexa stared at her, then opened the door for her to enter. Anora turned to Alexa. "My condolences at your loss," she began.
"Keep your condolences," Alexa said bitterly. "How long was it after you heard of his death that you took the throne, Your Majesty? I bet you couldn't wait. I assume you think this is some sort of poetic justice handed out by the Maker. The slayer of your father is slain himself."
Anora could not keep a small smile from her lips for that was exactly what she thought. She immediately made her face stoic, but not before Alexa saw her smirk.
"I know this is an inopportune moment, but I have been speaking with Eamon. We need to help bolster the morale of Fereldans and have decided to name you the Hero of Ferelden. We shall be having a ceremony in your honor shortly."
Alexa wanted to claw her eyes out. How could she even suggest such a thing now? "I will be taking Alistair…Alistair's body…to Weisshaupt Fortress…for his funeral. He shall be laid to rest there with the other Grey Wardens."
"No funeral ceremony here? Well, I suppose it is more appropriate that he be with the Grey Wardens. That was what he was, after all. So, I guess we shall have the ceremony when you return."
Anora was so smug. It took all of Alexa's will not to wring the woman's throat. "And if I don't want it?"
"You have no choice. As your Queen, I am ordering you to accept this honor and participate in the ceremony. Besides, you deserve it."
"I am no hero. Alistair is your hero. If you wish to bestow the title upon someone, it should be him."
"We need a living hero, not another dead Grey Warden," Anora said callously.
Alexa's eyes flashed, "I think you should leave, Your Majesty," she said quietly.
"Yes, you are right; many things to do as you probably know." She turned cold eyes towards Alexa. "No, I guess you wouldn't know the duties of a Queen. Safe travels, Grey Warden," she said then left.
She watched Anora leave. Hatred for her filled every fiber of her being. But she had more important things to do than be upset with Anora. Alexa returned to Alistair's side. She was determined not to leave him again until he was laid to rest.
The next day, Alistair's body was prepared to be taken to Weisshaupt Fortress with Alexa overseeing the preparations. The day after that he was ready to travel to Weisshaupt. A contingent of Ferelden soldiers, men and women who had been under her command, escorted Alistair to the funeral carriage. It was a black caisson that had been covered in black bunting. The four sides and the top were made of glass so that Alistair's body could be viewed as the funeral procession passed by. She mounted her horse and then positioned herself at Alistair's head. The soldiers were on either side of him. Arrangements had been made for the Grey Wardens of Orlais to meet up with the processional and escort Alistair to Weisshaupt. The palace gates opened and the entire procession slowly made its way through the streets of Denerim and on the long journey to Weisshaupt Fortress. There were many mourners lining the streets and this touched Alexa. There were still others along the highway as they traveled that had come out to pay their respects.
The journey was long and arduous, but they encountered no problems. True to her word, Alexa stayed at Alistair's side until he was entombed with the other Grey Wardens. She then made her way back to Denerim and participated in the ceremony naming her the Hero of Ferelden, but she moved as if in a dream. Nothing seemed real anymore. Once the ceremony was over, she resigned her position as the Commander of the Ferelden Army. Fergus persuaded her to return with him to Highever. She stayed with him for a few weeks, but she was haunted by the massacre of her family. Visions of death seemed to surround and suffocate her.
After she helped Fergus put Highever and Castle Cousland back in order, she told him she was leaving. She did not tell him where she was going, but her grief was overwhelming. She did not wish to live. She knew about the Calling that Grey Wardens experienced; when they knew the taint in their blood was overtaking their body and it was their time to die. She knew they went to the Deep Roads to take as many darkspawn down with them before passing from this realm. She did not wish to wait for her Calling, but went to Orzammar and offered her services to King Bhelen Aeducan. He accepted her offer and she went into the Deep Roads searching for her own death. She had encountered the Legion of the Dead and had asked to join their group, knowing their mission was similar to the Grey Warden's Calling. Having fought with her before, they agreed. She attacked all darkspawn hordes with the fervor of a zealot, charging into the most suicidal situations. But for some reason either her survival instincts or her extraordinary skills would kick in and she would live to fight another day. As she polished her blade she thought that today would be different. Today, she would fall. But she had been thinking that every day for weeks now and she was still alive; still breathing; still grieving.
They were finishing packing up camp and were about to move out when the unusual sight of a messenger appeared. The dwarf was nervous being there, but he was being paid handsomely for his services. He just hoped he would live to enjoy it. He saw Alexa and headed towards her.
"My Lady," he began in a gruff voice, "I have an urgent message from the Queen of Ferelden. Your services are needed back at Denerim. There is also a note from the former Arl of Redcliffe asking the same of you. I am to escort you back to Orzammar and then you are to head to the palace."
"Why would I wish to listen to anything the Queen of Ferelden has to say?" she asked flippantly.
"Apparently there is a darkspawn threat near Amaranthine and a Grey Warden is needed…a Ferelden Grey Warden."
Alexa let out a heavy sigh. She was still a Grey Warden and still had a duty to protect the citizens of Ferelden. She placed her blade in its scabbard and slung her pack over her shoulder. "Fine; lead the way." The dwarf quickly made his way back towards Orzammar. Alexa chuckled to herself as she watched the dwarf's hasty exit, then followed him. She was heading back to Denerim.