Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or New Girl
Hope you enjoy :)
In hindsight, Minato should have known better than to trust Jiraiya. But he'd been in desperate need of a place to stay, and Jiraiya had promised him a room well within his price range. Still, Minato really should have known better. If he had, then he wouldn't be sitting across from three of the strangest people he'd ever met.
He knew Nara Shikaku and Yamanaka Inoichi, of course. They had all gone to school together – which was something Minato tried to forget; he wasn't exactly well-liked in high school – but the pretty redhead, Tsunade's cousin, was someone Minato had never seen before. The girl wasn't his immediate concern, though: both Shikaku and Inoichi – mostly Inoichi – were staring at Minato like he was gum on the bottom of their shoes. The girl looked from Shikaku and Inoichi, confused. "Kushina," Inoichi said at last, addressing the redhead, "this is Namikaze Minato. Minato, this is Uzushio's Uzumaki Kushina"
"It's nice to meet you, Kushina-san," Minato said, smiling hesitantly.
Kushina just blinked at him, squinting a little. "Aren't you a little girly to be Jiraiya-nii's student?" she asked at last. Shikaku heaved a long-suffering sigh. Inoichi, much to Minato's displeasure, burst out laughing. Kushina blushed, and then blinked, as though unsure of what she had done wrong. "I didn't mean it in a bad way," she said quickly. "It's just that Jiraiya-nii usually doesn't like girly boys, dattebane."
There was an uncomfortable silence during which Inoichi and Shikaku tried not to laugh and Minato turned bright red. Finally, Shikaku cleared his throat. "So... Does anyone have a problem with Minato moving in? No?" He nodded to himself, then pushed a pile of papers over to Minato. "Sign after you read it through. Inoichi, house rules?"
"Right!" Inoichi smiled, and Minato's heart sank. Dear god. Nothing out of Inoichi's mouth ever made sense. Or was worth listening to. "So, rule number one: Don't bother Kushina when she's working. She'll get pissed off, and that's never as fun as it sounds." Inoichi winked; Minato grimaced. "Two: Don't mess with my stuff in the bathroom. I have sculpting chutney; I have three types of gel. They're mine. Don't even look." Shikaku rolled his eyes at this, and Inoichi continued. "Three: Do not, under any circumstances, go into my room when I have a girl over. You might actually want to invest in some earplugs, because it can get pretty loud when –"
"That's it," Kushina interrupted. "Jar. Right now."
Inoichi looked crushed. "What? But I was just…" The blonde looked to Shikaku for help.
Shikaku didn't look up from his phone. "Six-hundred yen at least, don't you think, Kushina?" Kushina hummed in agreement, and Inoichi stood, sulking. He stormed to his room, pausing on the way to stuff some bills into a jar on the table.
Once Inoichi had slammed his bedroom door shut, Kushina leaned forward. "That's the douchebag jar," she explained. "Whenever Inoichi does something super douche-y or annoying, he has to put money in the jar." She tapped her cheek, thinking. "I don't actually know what we'll do when the jar is full. Maybe we could all go to Ichiraku for ramen, dattebane?" She fell silent, lost in thought.
Shikaku grunted and sat up straight. "Sorry about Inoichi," he said to Minato. "If you'd still like to move in, the room is yours." He stood, stretching. "I've got to get to work, but you can stay." He walked to the door and let himself out. Kushina absentmindedly murmured a goodbye as the door opened.
Minato wasn't sure what to do. Kushina still seemed out of it, her eyes glazing over as she stared blankly at the table. Inoichi was surprisingly quiet. But beyond the immediate, Minato was conflicted about taking the room. On the one hand, he was in desperate need of a place to stay. On the other… Inoichi. Minato frowned. "That's it!" Kushina exclaimed, causing Minato to jump. She scrambled for a pen, writing sloppily a discarded notebook when she found one. "The enemy shinobi can be a double agent!"
"Er," Minato said, blinking at Kushina. She looked up at him, surprised, as though she hadn't known he was still in the room.
"Sorry," she apologized, cheeks coloring. "I'm Jiraiya's editor, and there was a bit of a plot hole in his latest draft of Icha Icha, dattebane…"
"Well," Minato said, collecting himself, "I'm glad you've figured it out, then." He read through the contract carefully as Kushina grabbed her laptop and began typing away, and signed before thinking through it all again. Still, as he left the apartment – with Kushina distractedly waving goodbye and Inoichi peeking out of his room to do the same – Minato wondered if he'd made the right decision. As he waited for the elevator, he heard a crash in apartment 4B, followed by Inoichi's muffled shouting. Minato thought he heard the words "cat" and "devil," but shrugged and ignored it. At least life wouldn't be dull.
The first week of life in Apartment 4B was… interesting. Shikaku was incredibly lazy, Inoichi had a girl over every night – and Minato was beginning to think he should have listened to Inoichi and invested in earplugs – and Kushina, apparently, had a cat.
It wasn't that Minato didn't like cats – they were fine, he liked them well enough, and it had never been an issue. But Kushina's cat was different. His name was Kurama and he was undoubtedly from hell. Or worse.
Minato's first run-in with Kurama was three days after he moved in. He'd just come home from work, and was sitting beside Shikaku watching some ridiculous detective show, when the furry, orange cat slunk out of Kushina's room. "Hey there," Minato said in his little-kids-and-animals voice. "Here kitty, kitty."
"I wouldn't do that," Shikaku cautioned.
Ignoring him, Minato scooped up the cat. And promptly dropped it, swearing. Shikaku produced two Band-Aids from his pocket and held them out without looking away from the television. Mumbling his thanks, Minato covered the bleeding scratches on his hand. "What's wrong with the cat?" he asked Shikaku, trying to ignore the stinging in his palms.
"Oh, you've met Kurama?" Inoichi flopped down beside Minato. "He's Kushina's cat; don't say anything bad about him unless you want her to flip out. She thinks he's a 'perfect angel, dattebane!'" Inoichi's impression of Kushina wasn't actually far off; Minato wondered if he practiced in his spare time. He wouldn't put it past Inoichi.
In the four days since, Minato had been careful to avoid any interaction with Kurama. It seemed a little silly, to be hiding from a cat, and his students would undoubtedly tease him about it if they knew, but… That cat was from hell. So when Kushina flopped down on the couch beside him on Friday, Kurama perched in her lap, Minato – understandably – flinched away. "K-Kushina," he stammered. "You – cat – um… why?"
"What, Kurama?" Kushina blinked up at Minato, confused. "He's cute, right?" And then – as if it wasn't bad enough to have that damned cat sitting right beside him – Kushina held Kurama up to Minato's face, smiling as though nothing was wrong. Minato squeaked (in a very manly way, mind you; Minato wasn't a girly boy, no matter what Kushina said), and flinched away. Oblivious, Kushina pulled her stupid cat close and rubbed her nose against Kurama's. "Who's the cutest kitty?" Kurama mewled pitifully.
"Hey, Minato?"
He looked over at Kushina. "Yeah?"
"Can you watch Kurama for while? He's been sick lately, and I'm not supposed to leave him alone, but Jiraiya-nii needs my notes from this chapter, and he refuses to use his email so I have to bring them to him in person, and thanks, Mina-chan, you're the best!"
Before Minato was really aware of what was happening, Kushina had dropped the now-hissing Kurama into his lap and was out the door. Minato stared at the cat. The cat stared back, digging his claws into Minato's lap and effectively staining his new pants with blood.
Well, shit.
AN: Finally! I've had this chapter mostly written for at least a month, but I finally added the ending. I have no idea where this story is going - it's based on the show New Girl, but the plot won't match the show at all. Some lines are taken directly from the show (mostly Schmitt's lines, because he is literal perfection). I don't have an update schedule, but hopefully the next chapter will be up soon. Reviews are appreciated! Imaginary cookies to anyone who can guess who Minato, Kushina, Shikaku, and Inoichi's New Girl counterparts are!